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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband expecting too much 4 months PP or AIBU

264 replies

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 10:59

Gave birth to our second son 4 weeks ago via c section. First son has just turned 4. Husband is back in work (wfh 1 day a week).

Last night husband took off on me for the house being “untidy”. To give context, husband hates clutter and his definition of untidy is things being left around the house (shoes by the door, parcels being left on the island, a chopping board in the sink and eldest son’s toys left out). Despite the clutter, the bathrooms had been cleaned and the floors hoovered/mopped and a duster had been thrown around. A wash load had been dried and put away with another wash just finished. I explained that the only time I had to do any housework was 2 hours in the afternoon due to taking my son to a play group he attends weekly and having to get the bus due to not being able to drive. Husband still accused me of not doing enough around the house.

I am EBF and son feeds every 2-3 hours all day/night. Of an evening he cluster feeds from about 8 until 12. Husband has been sleeping in with my eldest son who can still wake in the night but certainly not to the extent of our newborn. He may wake 1 or 2 times and will fall straight back asleep after some reassurance. Husband has taken on responsibilities for eldest son, he does bath time of an evening and gets him ready of a morning for pre-school (jobs which I used to do before baby’s arrival) I told my husband I appreciate he is doing more, but I am exhausted I have a baby on my boob constantly and he is being unreasonable to expect any more from me this early on. He suggested that I’m never too exhausted to do any of the fun things (I went the Christmas market with my son and my friend and her son one afternoon this week). We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

So question is, is he being an inconsiderate A* AIBU to think he is being wholly unreasonable?

OP posts:
Boardingschoolmumoftwo · 19/12/2024 11:44

He’s a wanker. I’m ten months PP still EBF and my husband works all day and then has the kids while I cook and then cleans the house/does wash loads when they are in bed. I can’t believe you are only four weeks PP and are doing any housework tbh

nightmarepickle2025 · 19/12/2024 11:44

I'd like to see him keep the house tidy 4 weeks after major abdominal surgery.

My husband was a bit like this after my second was born and I've never forgiven him for it. "Have a productive day" is just 100% dickish behaviour. Yuck.

I hope you're planning on going back to work, he's the type to treat you as the family servant if you're a SAHM

qwertyasdfgzxcv · 19/12/2024 11:44

I dont even need to read the whole thread to say that he is being completely unreasonable!

GabriellaMontez · 19/12/2024 11:46

Four weeks!!!? I'd invite him to GTF.

nightmarepickle2025 · 19/12/2024 11:47

In fact as PP says, take the kids and go to stay with family if you can.

GiddyRobin · 19/12/2024 11:48

4 WEEKS?! Fuck him! Not literally!

When I was 4 weeks pp, I couldn't move after my second. After my first I was still a mess! DH was off work to look after me (very lucky paternity package), but he was doing everything and without a whinge! Man was run ragged as we usually do 50/50 - did he moan? No! Holy shit I am actually fuming on your behalf! Tell him to piss off and clean up himself. Your body literally just grew and birthed a human, and is now keeping it alive by feeding it!

nutbrownhare15 · 19/12/2024 11:49

Tell him if he wants the house to be tidy then he needs to tidy it. I'd be really pissed off.

ChillysWaterBottle · 19/12/2024 11:49

Sorry OP I know its not easy to hear your partner being slated but I'm afraid I have to agree with everyone else. You are absolutely not being unreasonable - he is being unreasonable at best, outrageously nasty and thick at worst. You have had major stomach surgery, that's no joke. You have a tiny newborn and breastfeeding demands. That's just a huge amount to have on your plate anyway. You are doing everything right, except maybe taking on too much cleaning and tidying at 4 weeks PP (you have to let you body heal and rest). Congrats on your little baby and please, please take on board the replies here x

TheBreak · 19/12/2024 11:49

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 11:20

I worry I’ve made him out to sound like he doesn’t do anything which is far from the case!

He does his fair share of house work, he does all DIY he does have a stressful job which takes up some evenings of his time but he is still very much a hands on dad who is idolised by our eldest. This wasn’t to shame him for not doing anything because that is far from the truth, it was to find out if I was being unreasonable to be hurt by his behaviour.

It doesn't matter what he's doing round the house; he begrudges you a trip to the christmas market because he thinks you should be scrubbing the house instead one month after giving birth, he is a prick of staggering proportions.

Serriadh · 19/12/2024 11:50

He’s a tosspot. If you can be bothered, write him a productivity report for your day. Split into 30 minute sections and list what you did. “Sole food source for newborn”, “made lunch”, “recovered from major surgery”, “loaded dishwasher”, “fostered newborn’s development”, “slept”. If you’re on mat leave, make sure you include “made xyz in mat leave pay” for every standard working hour.

Then fold the report up nice and small and shove it up his arse when he gets home.

nonbinaryfinery · 19/12/2024 11:50

He needs to be fucking quiet. What a knobhead.

BurrosTail · 19/12/2024 11:53

Ask him which of the other activities he thinks you should’ve left so that you could’ve done his preferred tasks. Is that not feed your son, not go to play group, not change his nappy, you not eat lunch, you not sorting out laundry? Which would he rather not done? He prob can’t answer that one…

Iliketulips · 19/12/2024 11:54

I'd be tempted to go off and leave your DC and DB with him with a list of jobs similar to the ones you'd done and ask him to make sure everything is tidy. Oh yes, and no doubt food prep or even cooking your evening meal ready for your return!

Whattochoose1 · 19/12/2024 11:55

Even if it was months he's still being unreasonable. At 4 WEEKS you should still be resting.

sanityisamyth · 19/12/2024 11:55

Serriadh · 19/12/2024 11:50

He’s a tosspot. If you can be bothered, write him a productivity report for your day. Split into 30 minute sections and list what you did. “Sole food source for newborn”, “made lunch”, “recovered from major surgery”, “loaded dishwasher”, “fostered newborn’s development”, “slept”. If you’re on mat leave, make sure you include “made xyz in mat leave pay” for every standard working hour.

Then fold the report up nice and small and shove it up his arse when he gets home.

It doesn't need to be rolled up that small as the 'D' H is a massive arsehole.

Pallisers · 19/12/2024 11:56

I'd fucking kill him.

Ohthatsabitshit · 19/12/2024 11:59

Unless he is going hard manual labour in the freezing cold all day he’s a complete knob. If he is physically exhausted he’s unkind. Either way he needs to apologise.

Whatsitreallylike · 19/12/2024 12:00

I’m angry reading this. I have no advice except maybe LTB… but YANBU

Bogginsthe3rd · 19/12/2024 12:00

LTB. Not joking

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 12:01

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 11:20

I worry I’ve made him out to sound like he doesn’t do anything which is far from the case!

He does his fair share of house work, he does all DIY he does have a stressful job which takes up some evenings of his time but he is still very much a hands on dad who is idolised by our eldest. This wasn’t to shame him for not doing anything because that is far from the truth, it was to find out if I was being unreasonable to be hurt by his behaviour.

It’s a shame that your eldest idolises such a misogynistic prick.

I fell ill and had a week in hospital when my baby was young. My husband took it in his stride, as expected. Baby and house were like I’d never been away, and despite missing them I never worried that he couldn’t manage. Could you say the same? Would he be able to manage doing every night feed and then getting up for a full day of work (because that is what you’re doing as a mother with young children at home)? Maybe ask him to think about that, oh, and imagine doing it a short time after major abdominal surgery and with hormones going haywire.

FuppinNora · 19/12/2024 12:03

I'm 15 weeks pp and the house is still upside down. We are just surviving. At 4 weeks I'm not even sure I was getting dressed most mornings nevermind anything else

Ohhmydays · 19/12/2024 12:04

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Does he realise a c-section is major surgery and that it was only 4weeks ago. So really you still shouldn’t be doing stuff thats puts to much strain on you. Even without the c-section 4wks Pp your body is still in recovery mode. And then you have your other child too to look after as well as breastfeeding, that in itself is physically draining. Your husband is being a dickhead. If he wants the house spotless he should do it himself. Children play with toys and make a mess. Thats just what they do. I have a 2 and 5year old, spend half my day chasing my tail tidying and cleaning up but as soon as bed time comes Im done. Anything that hasn’t been done or put away can wait till tomorrow. If my DP didn’t like it he would be told to do it himself when he’s home from work

pikkumyy77 · 19/12/2024 12:05

Your dh is awful. Measure and weigh your ds2 every day and put it on a chart for your dh to see. Has he ever built a new human from scratch? Have a productive day! You are cluster feeding a tiny human FGS.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/12/2024 12:06

Passive aggressive pr*ck. You could try this
https://www.boredpanda.com/wife-stops-housework-husbands-comment-lindsaydonnelly2/

In all seriousness, I grew up with a father like this. We'd hear his car in the drive and scramble in a panic to remove every shred of "stuff" that had been left on a counter, on a floor or in a hallway and disappear as fast as we f*cking could. It has conditioned me into an adult who also loathes clutter and irrationally irritated by peoples inability to just put their shit away.
BUT, I recognise this is not reasonable. I recognise that there are times when this is is not practical and I do not want to make my home a place where my husband and kids dread me walking in the door and immediately picking on all the stuff that could be elsewhere. This is within his control and he needs to step up and do so. He has two small children, this is going to be his world for years to come and if he wants a minimalist bachelor pad then he knows where the door is.

I would sit him down and tell him he needs to get a grip on himself. Under the circumstances it is an abusive comment even if he doesn't recognise that yet, and you will NOT stand for it.

“My Husband Made A Comment That I Do Nothing Around The House. So For Two Days, I Really Did Nothing”

Lindsay's video made a huge splash on the internet, getting 15.7 million views and starting a discussion about dividing up chores at home.

https://www.boredpanda.com/wife-stops-housework-husbands-comment-lindsaydonnelly2

Codlingmoths · 19/12/2024 12:06

I think I’d rather chop my own hands off than tidy or wash a single thing today. Rest, cuddle baby and watch tv. Take a walk. Tell dh when you got home you did have a productive mental health day as when you’re a vulnerable exhausted new mum and noone else in your marriage is supportive then you need to look after yourself as the only person who will.