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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband expecting too much 4 months PP or AIBU

264 replies

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 10:59

Gave birth to our second son 4 weeks ago via c section. First son has just turned 4. Husband is back in work (wfh 1 day a week).

Last night husband took off on me for the house being “untidy”. To give context, husband hates clutter and his definition of untidy is things being left around the house (shoes by the door, parcels being left on the island, a chopping board in the sink and eldest son’s toys left out). Despite the clutter, the bathrooms had been cleaned and the floors hoovered/mopped and a duster had been thrown around. A wash load had been dried and put away with another wash just finished. I explained that the only time I had to do any housework was 2 hours in the afternoon due to taking my son to a play group he attends weekly and having to get the bus due to not being able to drive. Husband still accused me of not doing enough around the house.

I am EBF and son feeds every 2-3 hours all day/night. Of an evening he cluster feeds from about 8 until 12. Husband has been sleeping in with my eldest son who can still wake in the night but certainly not to the extent of our newborn. He may wake 1 or 2 times and will fall straight back asleep after some reassurance. Husband has taken on responsibilities for eldest son, he does bath time of an evening and gets him ready of a morning for pre-school (jobs which I used to do before baby’s arrival) I told my husband I appreciate he is doing more, but I am exhausted I have a baby on my boob constantly and he is being unreasonable to expect any more from me this early on. He suggested that I’m never too exhausted to do any of the fun things (I went the Christmas market with my son and my friend and her son one afternoon this week). We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

So question is, is he being an inconsiderate A* AIBU to think he is being wholly unreasonable?

OP posts:
JingleB · 19/12/2024 11:29

You shouldn’t be mopping, brushing or hovering this soon after a section!

He is absolutely out of order. Even without the stresses of a newborn and breastfeeding, such major abdominal surgery would put you on ‘light duties’ for the sake of your recovery.

Tell him if he wants you to risk a rupture he can get stuffed.

coconutpie · 19/12/2024 11:29

booisbooming · 19/12/2024 11:04

What the hell did I just read? Awful abusive shitbag.

This.

Mulledjuice · 19/12/2024 11:30

CowGirl19 · 19/12/2024 11:24

You had major abdominal surgery 4 WEEKS ago. Let alone the demands of a newborn baby.
Be kind to yourself OP
Your husband needs to seriously adjust his expectations.

This with Christmas bells on

RegulatorsMountUp · 19/12/2024 11:32

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 11:20

I worry I’ve made him out to sound like he doesn’t do anything which is far from the case!

He does his fair share of house work, he does all DIY he does have a stressful job which takes up some evenings of his time but he is still very much a hands on dad who is idolised by our eldest. This wasn’t to shame him for not doing anything because that is far from the truth, it was to find out if I was being unreasonable to be hurt by his behaviour.

What the fuck

Why are you defending him and minimising!! He is a complete twat. The 'productive day' comment would have had me packing a bag and leaving to stay at my mums with the baby. See how he gets on juggling just 1 child and the housework. YOU GAVE BIRTH VIA C SECTION 4 WEEKS AGO!! Tell him to fuck off. I actually can't believe what I've just read. Are you going back to work? Are you sorted financially? Because he sounds like an abusive controlling twat.

Couldyounot · 19/12/2024 11:33

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 11:20

I worry I’ve made him out to sound like he doesn’t do anything which is far from the case!

He does his fair share of house work, he does all DIY he does have a stressful job which takes up some evenings of his time but he is still very much a hands on dad who is idolised by our eldest. This wasn’t to shame him for not doing anything because that is far from the truth, it was to find out if I was being unreasonable to be hurt by his behaviour.

None of that really matters - he is being a cock

Alwaystired2023 · 19/12/2024 11:34

Outrageous he's a fucking prick.

jeomeollibyeoldul · 19/12/2024 11:35

"have a productive day" omg...even at a normal time i would be cringing out of my skin at that let alone 4 weeks after giving birth!

LoveRicePudding · 19/12/2024 11:35

I really really hope you'll read this thread to him.
He's a completely inconsiderate arseholy wanker. May he spend one week in pain equal to recovery from CS while having to take care of a newborn.

cantthinkofausernametoadd · 19/12/2024 11:36

He's a dickhead. Make him a list of jobs to do and don't give up a job if you've got one.

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · 19/12/2024 11:37

I would send him a text right now saying,
'If you repeat anything like yesterday or even anything near it, I will leave, you can have 50/50 custody and see how you like them apples, you fucking freak'

Readysetgooo · 19/12/2024 11:37

Euch I'm so sorry you've been made to feel like you're not doing enough. I'm so impressed you've done everything you have done! When I was PP I didn't do a fraction of that.

I remember DH and I both thought I'd have loads of time on mat leave to keep on top of the house, I even planned time to garden and paint the back door. Reality was very different! DH said he couldn't believe how much time baby care takes and completely got it!

As for meeting friends, it's important to have time for self care, relaxation and to maintain relationships out of the house so absolutely don't feel guilty.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/12/2024 11:37

I would ( and did) list every single feed and its duration, list everything else you’ve done in the day and when you did it, list when you slept and when you were woken and how long for.
Set that against what he does band when he sleeps , and add that you are being productive by being the sole food source for the baby, and that you are not yet recovered from major surgery.
Then tell you need time to recover so you will be heading to bed and he can bring you the baby when it’s time for a feed. Can he also please sort out some nutritious food for you and the other child and clean the house .
Seriously tell him to fuck off and take to your bed. The man’s delusional!^^

LoveRicePudding · 19/12/2024 11:37

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 11:20

I worry I’ve made him out to sound like he doesn’t do anything which is far from the case!

He does his fair share of house work, he does all DIY he does have a stressful job which takes up some evenings of his time but he is still very much a hands on dad who is idolised by our eldest. This wasn’t to shame him for not doing anything because that is far from the truth, it was to find out if I was being unreasonable to be hurt by his behaviour.

This isn't about help, it's about his attitude to you.
He clearly doesn't know what it means to recover from CS and doesn't understand all hormonal changes women's bodies go through after birth.
He's a twat.

ChimpiestoftheChimps · 19/12/2024 11:38

Would he count productive as changing the locks? Because I think that's what I would do.
(have a 5mo and a 7yo, house frequently a disaster because there is now a whole extra person in it along with all their stuff ie pram clothes nappies etc and not enough space or time to put away!)

rainbowsparkle28 · 19/12/2024 11:38

You mean ex-husband right? His behaviour is abhorrent and abusive.

Honeycrisp · 19/12/2024 11:38

Your husband is being a twat.

LostittoBostik · 19/12/2024 11:39

I don't know if it's 4 weeks or 4 months but he is a twat either way.

If it's 4 weeks pick up your stuff and your toddler and go and stay with family who can support you

thepariscrimefiles · 19/12/2024 11:39

You are 4 weeks PP, you have a 4 year old, you had a C-section and you are breastfeeding.

His behaviour is so unkind and unreasonable that it's bordering on abusive. Your children are your priority, not a spotless and tidy house.

Switcher · 19/12/2024 11:40

Yeah that would be over for me. He can fuck right off.

user1471600850 · 19/12/2024 11:41

I am horrified by him - has he ever had a c section? Tell him to lie down and you will cut him open, take out a baby, sew you back up and see how he feels. It hurts!!! Let alone having a new baby and a young child - I know because when I had my c section I also had a 2 year old and a 4 year old and it is hard - you need time to heal so sod the housework!!!

DelphiniumBlue · 19/12/2024 11:42

And the fair share of housework for him to do would be all of it! You are recovering from surgery and feeding a baby.
He doesn’t need to be doing DIY, he needs to be supporting you so you can recover properly.
Go to bed!

TheBreak · 19/12/2024 11:42

Four weeks pp and he said 'have a productive day'? I would kill him. Just reading that makes me murderous.

You're already doing way too much too soon after your c section. It's horrific. He's awful.

CheeseyOnionPie · 19/12/2024 11:43

What an absolute arsehole. His preference for tidy isn’t an issue, it’s that he thinks you exist to serve him. I bet he thinks he’s a real stand up guy, a proper modern man for “helping you” with your elder child.

I’m so angry for you.

Bowies · 19/12/2024 11:43

No and he needs to step up and clean and declutter.

You are recovering from major surgery, pregnancy as well as the demand of BF. I don’t think you should be scrubbing the bathroom or bending down all the time picking things up off the floor.

I feel sorry you just had a 2nd DC with him based on how unreasonable he’s being.

Dolphinnoises · 19/12/2024 11:43

I would suggest to him this evening that you go together to visit the health visitor and he can ask her which of these domestic tasks you should be doing at 4 weeks PP. And tell him not only will she say none of them, firmly, but she would also raise a flag re. domestic abuse. Tell him if he thinks you’re wrong, you’re game if he is…