It's ok to disinherit a firstborn if remarried and have a new family, right?

[Eatcabbage]

Or am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit hurt?
I feel like it is saying you aren't my daughter anymore, though this is about the billionth way this has been said over the years.
According to my mother, my father "should have got nothing" when they divorced as he did "f-all" and stayed at home with me after I was born when my mother went back to work, "and I paid your school fees", so why should I inherit anything from her?
I'm not bothered about the financial side of things and don't expect anything from my mother or anyone else and I never have, I'm fiercely independent, but I do get hurt by rejection.
I have two step siblings, and my father not recognising them in his will is apparently another reason why I have been disinherited by my mother.
I'm genuinely interested to know what is normally done in situations like this. Am I just being oversensitive? I know I am very sensitive to rejection and easily hurt by it.

My late parents left quite a tidy sum.

Briefly I dated a woman with a 13 year old son when they were both still alive.

My mother quietly commented to me that step children should get the same deal as biological ones so clearly intended that via me any step children I had should benefit from their wealth in the same was as any biological children I had.

Given the clarification provided by the OP, the mother is clearly being very unfair.

The OP's father should leave his money to the OP (and any other children he has).

The OP's stepfather should leave his money to his children.

The OP's mother should either a) split her money equally between her three children or b) try to ensure that they all end up equally provided for. Given what the OP says that would mean giving her more than her half siblings not less - and certainly not nothing.

I don't think youvshould suck this up and be quiet. I think you should ditch your mother, get therapy and spend time with people who do love you. She is toxic. Is she all there? It sounds like she might actually like playing her children off against each other. I would not bet she loves her other dc more, more likely she gets a kick out of controlling and hurting you with her money.

Drop out of sight and she will probably do the same thing to her other 2 children. Don't engage in her games.

That is just totally messed up.

"...that's just how it works" No, it does not work that way at all.

Why would you be expected to treat your half-siblings equally to your own child?

Your mother and step-father have some very odd ideas indeed.

What's normal is that your bio father's estate is divided equally between his bio children, and your bio mother's estate divided equally between her bio children. Obviously this wouldn't work if a step parent had been very much acting as the actual parent all his/her life - there things get a bit blurred. But your situation is clearly not right.

Your mother sounds like a relative I knew. Constantly talking about their will and who they were leaving what to... it was a power flex... designed to divide and rule. The relative who did this clearly found the effect it had on their listeners very very gratifying.

It was designed to get people to compete with each other for their favour. Even reading about your mother's behaviour towards you makes me feel cross on your behalf. It makes me wonder if her attitude coloured your step sister's attitude towards you - if she made her slightly jealous of you growing up in a manipulative way so that she could be sure of her loyalty and attempts to please her.
That is no way to treat a child. In the case I'm talking about as the years went by, it became apparent that those who were initially well off compared to the others had misfortunes in life, the others were luckier... So it cemented the idea in my mind that it should be equal, which is what I've done with my DC.. as who knows what life will throw at someone.

Don't let her make you miserable constantly talking about what she's going to leave a b or c... its just sheer emotional blackmail. Pity her for the poverty of her thought if that is the best thing she can spend her time thinking about. And take comfort in the fact that you would never treat your child like this.

You know this already I am sure but staying home looking after a baby/child is not doing anything anyway. I, and many of the women on here, have experience of staying home with a baby and experience of paid employment and I wouldn't describe looking after a baby as not working or somehow easy. That must be a very difficult thing for you to hear from her, because it does sort of imply that she doesn't see looking after you as contributing etc. Its quite hurtful BUT its nonsense and probably more to do with the person (in this case a woman though more often its a man TBH) having a value system that prioritises money -rather than a reflection on you or even how much she actually loves you. Its just a weird way some people have of viewing the world.

I've seen this in families I know. I think it's often unintentional, leaving estate to the wife vaguely assuming she'll do the decent thing, rather than deliberately cutting off bio children. But the outcome is the same and it hurts

You know what OP, you are a punching bag for this really truly awful person. Stop taking this shit and cut her off. She just gets drama from your relationship and nothing else. This is not how you treat your children if you love them.

No, your mother's children are not your father's step-children. A person's step-children are the already-existing children of their current spouse.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My mum was 15 when her half brother was born and 19 when her half sister was born and my grandmother always made my mum feel like she mattered less. It was always but you’re dad did alright raising you didn’t he when I disappeared to Rhodesia for a couple of years with my boyfriend. When I was born my aunt was 7 years old and my grandmother was still young enough that she could have been my mother. Even after becoming a grandmother for the first time she made my mum feel like she was worth less. My mum ended up going no contact with her mother and going for counselling to sort out her feelings. This may be best for you too as difficult as that will be as like my grandmother your mum seems incapable of viewing you and treating you as equal to her children from her second marriage.

I guess it's okay.... because they are making a conscious? decision.
However much crap in the background.
Sorry.
🙁

@Eatcabbage I'm very sorry to hear this. My grandmother disinherited my mother because she stopped giving her narcissistic supply. Same as yourself, my mother's upset was 100% to do with the hurt of being deliberately disinherited rather than the financial side.

My mum chose to maintain her relationship with her mother but on her own terms. She doesn't do a fraction of the heavy lifting she used to do. She maintains the relationship mainly for her own sake rather than her mother's and it's quite a bit cooler than it once was.

Your mother's behaviour is terrible. She won't change. My mum figured her own situation out via years of therapy. It's very helpful in trying to understand this behaviour and how to best protect yourself from it. Don't apologise. You've done nothing wrong. There's no easy answer here - you may have to mourn the mother you should have had. This woman did not fulfil your needs and continues to hurt you. It's hard to accept and I'm so sorry. I hope you can have a lovely Christmas with your own family.

Your mother should not be holding her issues with your father against you. She's spiteful and vindictive. You have nothing to lose by telling her the truth.

You've just got a very nasty Mother OP.

Hopefully in time you'll be able to detach from her.

They are your half siblings then, not step siblings. Step siblings are not blood relations. In this scenario they would be your mother's husband's biological children.

This is so awful OP. These feuds need to be left in your mum’s generation where they happened. Not passed on via the will.

She could die before her husband and leave him everything and then he could leave his estate to his children only. That’s a common scenario.

I wouldn’t suck up to her to get her to change her mind. She sounds like she could be in her late 50s or 60s so you could have another 30 or so years of drama so best keep out of it. Then as the years go by and the half-siblings start living their own lives she’ll be complaining to her flying monkeys that none of her children (well you) care about her, but by then you’ll be indifferent to her moans!

If they are that sort of people they - and what they have taken - are no loss to you. Forge your own path and make your own happiness.💐

My dad got remarried this week. I'm also cut out. Surplus to requirements.

It's shit but it's not us, it's them. We've done nothing wrong and they'll regret it one day.

ExceededUsefulEconomicLife

How old is your mother @Eatcabbage ?

I've asked a few times but you've not said.

I'd assume if you have a child of your own and 3 step children you're at least in your late 30s and your mum is late 50s+ or older.

I don't know, but interestingly both my mother and step father have said that my single child and three step children should inherit equally from me "because that's just how it works"

Not clear- do you have 3 step children in your current relationship/marriage?

What happens to your husband's money when he dies if he has 3 children from a former marriage/relationship? Does some go to your child?

I'd forget it all for now, because she could live for another 30 or 40 years and anything could happen.

The important thing is how to manage your relationship from now.

Eatcabbage · Today 09:38
She says I'll inherit from my father so I don't need to inherit from her as well, but like I said, it's not about the money, it's about the emotional implications

If you want to leave something to someone then leave it to them

No one can foresee the future and what circumstances change.

MIL and FIL had wills that in the event of one of their death everything was left to the surviving spouse and on the death of the surviving spouse the estate would be split with a small percent to each GC and the rest split between dh and BIL

Except MIL made a new will leaving everything to BIL a week before being diagnosed with dementia

Just because you assume things are going to happen and family are going to be taken care of doesn’t mean they will

If your mother doesn’t leave you anything in her will that just means that she doesn’t want you to have anything.

It’s very arrogant to assume someone else will leave you something because she doesn’t want to.

That woman is the Antichrist of all mother’s! You haven’t upset her or caused her any distress, she chose to be upset with you this close to Christmas. You, not covering up your emotions in front of her, didn’t cause this neither. She is narcissistic, this all on her! In her eyes you are an extension of your dad, not her like your siblings are.
She chose to make you feel unwanted, not part of her, to make your siblings feel you were an interloper.
She chooses to place her feelings towards your dad onto you, her ego couldn’t bear that you were close to him. She demands 100% loyalty and she saw your love for your father as a betrayal that you chose him even though you were a small child at the time.
She remarried and had two more children who turned out exactly like her, they didn’t have to choose between them because their dad is still married to her. Has she divorced their dad and felt discarded, married again and had more children, they too would’ve been rejected.

You should be on your hands and knees thanking the lord that you didn’t end up an extension of her, that you are not her clone.

I wouldn’t subject myself nor any children you have to that family, they are toxic.
I wouldn’t lose anymore sleep over them neither, you’ve been walking on eggshells all these years trying to not displease/ upset her, and keep everything on an even keel but the reality is, you having your own thoughts and feelings is a threat to her and she will punish you for it. You’re unpicking your conversation with her trying to find anything you said that justifies her reaction but you need to accept that there isn’t one. She deliberately twists anything you do or say as a slight against her. It’s not you it’s her x

@SpryCat do you know my mother, or are you just good at this? What you said really hit home.