It's ok to disinherit a firstborn if remarried and have a new family, right?

[Eatcabbage]

Or am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit hurt?
I feel like it is saying you aren't my daughter anymore, though this is about the billionth way this has been said over the years.
According to my mother, my father "should have got nothing" when they divorced as he did "f-all" and stayed at home with me after I was born when my mother went back to work, "and I paid your school fees", so why should I inherit anything from her?
I'm not bothered about the financial side of things and don't expect anything from my mother or anyone else and I never have, I'm fiercely independent, but I do get hurt by rejection.
I have two step siblings, and my father not recognising them in his will is apparently another reason why I have been disinherited by my mother.
I'm genuinely interested to know what is normally done in situations like this. Am I just being oversensitive? I know I am very sensitive to rejection and easily hurt by it.

There’s no reason on earth for your father to leave money to his ex-wife’s children with a new husband. Your mother would be barmy to think that’d happen.
Also, at divorce didn’t they have a final settlement they signed ? Long time since I divorced but I remember signing neither of us could claim from the other in future. Entirely separate from child support, of course.

And the way your mother treats you is shameful, my mother was similar. No idea what makes them like that.

What a vile person your Mother is! I struggle to understand how a m other could treat her child like it. I'm so very sorry 😞

You can claim if your mother leaves you out of her will (in England & Wales) https://www.brownejacobson.com/insights/inheritance-act-1975-common-questions

I'd be tempted to ask her why she is repeatedly trying to punish you, for the percieved wrongs/failings of your Father, when you had assumed she was emotionally and intellectually above such ridiculous behaviour.

And I would also not bother speaking to her again, she sounds absolutely vile.

My story is a bit similar although no money to inherit, but I do know that my mum kept blaming me for my dad because everything he did wrong she saw in me. I was really a bad child because I looked and acted like my dad, who I didn’t even know because he left me when I was two, and I’ve never seen him.
I think she resent you because you are a ex-husband’s child and that’s what she’s trying to say, but not in the right way

^ this^

things that grate on Mumsnet (1) faux (or not faux) moral outrage at why anyone question’s parental inheritance choices (2) failure of maths and logic when considering division of assets. Like other posters, I’ve been at the sharp end of this. Parents divorced, one remarried and had a third child. Everything left to that third child. ‘Step’ parent justified this on the basis that Id already inherited from other parent. Her ‘rule of one inheritance’ will be forgotten when she goes and half sibling also inherits from her. It’s hurtful because the bio parent hasn’t bothered to think it through and put the effort in to leave something to ALL their children. Half sibling also benefited from private education, world travel and, when 21, their own mortgage free home, as well as the stability of two parents for the duration of their childhood and early adulthood.

I haven't read all the stories but some of your (all posters) childhood stories are just heartbreaking. And I thought I had toxic family members (my DM was disinheruyes my nan, we could not understand why)... I hope you all have found source of comfort and love in your lives.

Op - o know it's not about money to you, but if it comes to inheriting I would totally challenge the will for your child's benefit.

Hmm. This might be an unpopular opinion.

I was adopted by my stepdad when he re-married my mum. (Stepdad was 60 and mum was about 35 and I was about 10… I’m now 29)

for his own reasons, my (step) dad disinherited his first born son with his first wife. He died this year and his will only named 2 beneficiaries. Myself and his daughter from first marriage - to inherit his entire estate.

im inclined to say that if its her (your mums) money, she can really do what she wants with it.
as I’ve learned, no one is really entitled to anything.
some people die and leave their entire fortune to strangers or charities and not their kids. Some inheritances are left to just one person where the person had many family members.

swallow the sting and get on with it.

I’m sorry to hear this. Tbh all manor of hurt can be dished out in wills. Some see it as a chance at a poke beyond the grave. I’d try and reason with your mum. It sounds like her thinking is this…. Divorce split the assets (eg 50/50). She wasn’t happy about it and felt the division unfair but thought that it would even itself out upon death and assets would be divided amongst the 3 children then. Except your dad had other ideas and only wants his assets to go to you as only you are his biological child. That’s his choice to do so and is understandable. I don’t know how your mum even knows what’s in your dad’s will. It sounds like you are still caught up in a toxic family dynamic years after divorce … sorry…no easy answers. You could talk to them both. But it may be better to just accept the decision. It’s about assets not relationships in your mums thinking. But for you it’s about relationships and status in the family and being left out really hurts. I hope this gets resolved x

I think it would be nice if she willed you jewelry or some other family heirloom but for god’s sake don’t mention it! She’ll lock everything in a safe deposit box! Not many families are perfect Op. You’re in company with many of us who had and have shitty family dynamics.

Just as well your dad stayed at home, your mum sounds horrible! What an awful thing to say to you.

You get very hurt by rejection because you've had far too much of it. Your mother sounds unhinged. On what planet would it be reasonable for your father to leave money to her children? And on what planet if it ok to disinherit your own child? Particularly as she's doing it to get back at him.
Expect nothing from her, protect yourself and, if you can, walk away from her. She sounds utterly poisonous.

At home "doing f-all" is hardly how I would describe raising your child and that alone is enough for me to disregard anything else your mother thinks. You shouldn't feel rejected.

Are you in the UK? In some (European countries) it is illegal to dis-inherit your children

I think the UK should change the law this situation is too precarious in families especially in these times of housing costs.

I think she's just trying to press your buttons.
It's still relatively unusual for Dad to be the SAHP, so I think you can say they had a non conventional marriage/views. I suspect DM likes the limelight and drama.

I'd forget about any inheritance, go low contact for a while. Limit Christmas celebrations with that side to a minimum and involve the half sibs more than Dm.
Then after about 6m start picking up the contact a bit more. But anytime she mentions inheritance or other s--t talk, back off til she gets the message.

The earlier post from @RogueFemale is correct- wills can be challenged. I’ve direct experience in my family where this has happened twice. Not pleasant but can be done.
Yr mum is using your obvious fear of rejection to create even further hurt and pain. It’s horrible and I’m so sorry this is happening. I can’t bear the vindictive cruelty you describe earlier about yr cat being given away.
I agree with other posters - reduce contact, reduce any emotional responses. You aren’t obliged to listen to screaming down the phone- or personal attacks in front of your extended family. Warn her then put phone down. Be prepared with strategies.
Can you reach out to others in your family for support - or are they all agreeing with your mum?
A woman who screams at you down the phone and says you are after her money is not someone you should be spending time with and pretending everything is rosy. I completely understand your desperate need to show your mum you aren’t after her money. But nothing you will say will make the slightest difference and the more you show your distress the longer she will milk it.
You don’t need to apologise, explain or justify or even discuss your own will with her. Do your best to ignore, send a polite neutral Christmas card, and read up on narcissism. It’s a very difficult destructive condition- looks like this may be what you have to deal with. Best of luck.

Of course I believe what you say, but that wouldn't be possible where I live (Belgium). Every child gets a legally reserved part of the inheritance of their parents. Parents are free to give the rest of their estate to one or more preferred children (or other people) but the reserved part of your inheritance would be untouchable. I'm so sorry for you if that's not the case in the UK.

I’ve gone no contact with my mother now for 2 years and it’s done so much for my mental health. My moto is just because she’s my mother’s doesn’t mean I have to like her!! I do still see her at family gatherings and I’ve been civil as she’s usually with someone I want to speak to but is as far as it goes. If she wants to see my children she asks my sister but that is not very often. I was difficult in the beginning and I really struggled with the rejection but not having any arguments over the last two years with her has made my decision easier x

Who knows why your Dad disinherited his son. Maybe he was reasonable maybe he wasn’t. However, as someone who directly benefited from that decision, you are not exactly coming at this from a neutral perspective and it’s a bit rich to tell the OP to ‘swallow the sting and get on with it’.

One thing I’m curious about in Scotland, Belgium and other countries where it isn’t possible to disinherit children entirely; how does that work when there are multiple families and a surviving spouse?

There are complex rules as to who gets what.

I could see my DH ex wife pulling something like this on my SC.
When my DH dies his children will inherit a vast amount whereas her new child with her current husband will not. I would not be surprised if she disinherits her older two to leave more for the younger one when she karks it.

I'm sorry to say your mum is being a bitch and you have every right to feel hurt!

Looking after a baby isn’t doing nothing.

Even so, am I wrong?

what other option does she have? Is it her money?