It's ok to disinherit a firstborn if remarried and have a new family, right?

[Eatcabbage]

Or am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit hurt?
I feel like it is saying you aren't my daughter anymore, though this is about the billionth way this has been said over the years.
According to my mother, my father "should have got nothing" when they divorced as he did "f-all" and stayed at home with me after I was born when my mother went back to work, "and I paid your school fees", so why should I inherit anything from her?
I'm not bothered about the financial side of things and don't expect anything from my mother or anyone else and I never have, I'm fiercely independent, but I do get hurt by rejection.
I have two step siblings, and my father not recognising them in his will is apparently another reason why I have been disinherited by my mother.
I'm genuinely interested to know what is normally done in situations like this. Am I just being oversensitive? I know I am very sensitive to rejection and easily hurt by it.

Oh OP i am so sorry your mother is, by what you say, punishing you for being her ex' child. She clearly has issues about how everything went down. I'd be really hurt if my mum did that to me. She's basically saying you don't count 😢

Well let's hope your absolutely awful excuse of a mother and her 2nd husband end up in care when they are older, then there won't be much inheritance left to worry about! The way she treats you is despicable. I do wonder how much influence your mother's second husband (your step father) has on your mother. Is he pulling the purse strings? Has he put these ideas of who should inherit what into her head. If so she is still a pathetic awful excuse of a mother to take any notice of him. Like others have said Walk away form her she is so toxic and your own children will notice before long. Who is your biological dad going to spend Christmas with? Can you not share Christmas day with him and make nice new memories, or even your aunt that you mentioned? I would go nc with your mother if you don't see her she can't hurt you any more. Whatever you decide I hope you and your children have a Happy Christmas.

Ironically, my father is actually away spending Christmas with my mother, step father and one of my half siblings.
It's kind of been a thing that the whole extended family has gone to the same place for Christmas every year for decades, but it has got more and more complicated for everyone to go at the same time over the years.
I'm spending Christmas with my more than lovely partner and his grown up kids and family, and then we are supposed to be joining my family when my child is back from their not so lovely father's after Christmas.

I'm so, so confused.
Your mother and father made you > they divorced and eventually you had a step-dad > Mam and step-dad had children, your half siblings...
Is that correct? If so, how are your half siblings in any way liked to your birth father??

(Apologies if this has already been discussed- I've read most of the thread but not all.)

This is bizarre! I understand that sometimes ex-partners can be amicable, even to the point that Mam and Dad split but they still have family days out with their children and co-parent well. But given the circumstances you have shared why on earth are they spending Christmas together? Especially when you won't even be there?! You are the only link between your mother and your father.

So sorry your mum is like this. Some folk are just bitter. My mother turned very bitter after her divorce. In fact she lost the plot i think. She had strange themes and the one year it was a war themed christmas with bomb related xmas gifts. She also had a sting in her tail. Your mum sounds like she is blaming you, and viewing inheritance entirely as a financial matter (which i guess many do see it as). One option is for her to buypass you and go to your children if that is more palatable to her. it does seem so unfair that money is not passed down the generations. However it is her decision i guess. You could contest the will afterwards I guess and maybe you should tell her you will contest the will and that whether or not you won the entire legal process would be extremely stressful and unpleasant for her children to deal with - my point here is fight fire with fire. Maybe you are being too nice and she is taking advantage. Its just an idea ..... you are the best judge. Im sorry she is like this towards you. Many parents can be bitter and vengeful and use whatever is in their power. Its worth thinking about whether to cut yourself off from them or at least to reduce contact for your own wellbeing x

You are best left out of the will entirely; then, you can take legal action and get included after her death. As her birth daughter, you could be entitled to the same inheritance as your half-siblings. You will have a more significant issue if she leaves you a token £1k or £10k as this shows she thought about you but didn't think much and left you a small amount.

You need someone here with legal knowledge to tell you more accurately than I have. I know it's the emotional side that is hurting, but you may draw solace that you overruled her in the end and stood up for your birthright.

Your Mother is toxic go NC for your own mental health

If your parents aren’t legally divorced then I hope your dad has a will leaving everything to you and not your cow if a mum as she could be next of kin.

I’ve heard the jealousy over a child of divorce with effectively 4 parents getting more inheritance than a subsequent half sibling who will ‘only’ inherit from 2 parents.

I think the double inheritance is the least compensation for a trauma of a split home. Divorce happens, parents split, there’s usually good cause, but the child is never at fault and always suffers. I’m sure you would swap the inheritance for a happy family growing up in a heartbeat.

Your mother is so mean and manipulative, right before Christmas, it’s so disappointing for you.

OP, you were absolutely not selfish for bringing this up. Your mother disinherited you which is hurtful and you simply called her on it.

Also - your mum sounds like she's on a massive (and cruel) power trip.
Wills and inheritance are complicated in step families, but it would be both usual (and kind) to protect your step siblings from "losing out" By getting all of their dads but also to support you in getting a third of your mums.
It honestly sounds like she's not over the first divorce and is taking this out on you. Does her wider family know you're being treated like this? How would they react if you said - calmly and factually "mum has cut me out of her Will and is leaving everything to step siblings. Whilst I do t care about the money, I'm finding this extremely hurtful and I'm taking a step back. We'll still see you at family events etc". Would you still be able to have a relationship with th em?

@Coatsoff42 whilst it is certainly possible for a child of a divorced family to inherit x4 (parents and step parents), at the ‘cost’ of a step or half sibling, it’s not something I’ve heard of. Imho - the ‘right’ scenario is child inherits from bio parents ie x2 but the more common scenario (the OP’s and mine) is that the child of a divorced family inherits x1 and half siblings inherit x2. Lots of ‘reasons’

• ‘New’ family is younger and needs to be financially protected.
• ’new’ family isn’t younger any more, doesn’t need the money more but bio parent never adjusts their thinking as new family reaches maturity
• bio parent thinks that the divorce settlement to former partner was a divorce settlement in perpetuity to the children. And this is a hurtful one.

add to the above mix a second wife/husband indignantly declaring that inheritance isn’t a right, adults need to look after themselves and having a complete blind spot to their own child/children benefiting wholly and completely. Oh yes - and also the amnesia around the bio parent bringing anything to the relationship… ‘my money (aka the family money aka the bio parents money) will go to my children only’. Throw in difficult relationships and ill feeling around the divorce and you’ve got a right mess.

Your Mother is treating you in a horrible way. Her prerogative, and you can’t control her behaviour.

What you can control is your reaction. I hope your half siblings will step up in the future if she requires care etc, as obviously not being a member of the family you will have zero obligation.

Personally, I would make different plans for Christmas but that’s me. If you do go, ensure you have an escape plan so can leave on your terms if you are not enjoying things. You are an adult so can choose whether to attend or not and she has clearly stated you are not one of the family, that cannot be unsaid, it’s out there now so if you feel you want to distance yourself that is your prerogative.

I’ve actually heard of a friends scenario where a divorced and remarried parent wills all of their assets to new spouse upon death….. with the spouse dying soon after, meaning new deceased spouses adult children x 2 got a very large inheritance and original adult child got nothing. It all went to the other family to be passed down their children’s line. I don’t know if that was contested.

I think putting aside your feelings….. either leave it be now and contest the will legally after she dies (nb some home insurance covers this). Play the long game. Continue your relationship with her and your family as you said you wanted to. Keep Xmas cards from her keep messages of your ongoing relationship. she may just be saying she has disinherited you for power kicks. Who knows maybe get some legal advice.

or raise it now and kick up a stink and fight your corner. Speak to your parents

best of luck … I’d be gutted too

I think your mom is just 'wow'.
Sorry to say, but she didn't bother to stay home with you, but your father did, which I applaud him for. I'm currently a home stayed mom with my soon-to-be 3 year old and guess what, I know my husband doesn't do nearly as much at work, as I have to deal with every day. Staying home parent is a hardest job ever, but of course she wouldn't know as she didn't do it.
Secondly - do I understand correctly, she wants your father to put in his will her 2 children, who are yours step-siblings and he is not even related to them? If that's the case, she should see a professional.
I'm really sorry for this to happen to you and that was your child-life, but great that you make it through, that you don't need her financially. And maybe when she gives everything to others 2, they will just bite her back and she will come on her knees begging you to forgive her. I wish you a lovely life, you deserve it!

I have a feeling, poor man didn't even do that much wrong. But with the controlling personality she is, it is probably not hard to get her upset. Feel sorry for him that he had to put up with her for years.