It's ok to disinherit a firstborn if remarried and have a new family, right?

[Eatcabbage]

Or am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit hurt?
I feel like it is saying you aren't my daughter anymore, though this is about the billionth way this has been said over the years.
According to my mother, my father "should have got nothing" when they divorced as he did "f-all" and stayed at home with me after I was born when my mother went back to work, "and I paid your school fees", so why should I inherit anything from her?
I'm not bothered about the financial side of things and don't expect anything from my mother or anyone else and I never have, I'm fiercely independent, but I do get hurt by rejection.
I have two step siblings, and my father not recognising them in his will is apparently another reason why I have been disinherited by my mother.
I'm genuinely interested to know what is normally done in situations like this. Am I just being oversensitive? I know I am very sensitive to rejection and easily hurt by it.

They are half siblings then not step siblings
But there is still no reason why your father should leave them any money in his will.
Your dad sounds lovely and staying home to look after the baby is work it's just unpaid..
I understand that her leaving you out of the will is about more than the money but I would try to shrug it of and perhaps not give her much thought either.

My half siblings will inherit from their father, and my mother and step father are much, much wealthier than my father is, so I don't think that is it. They are in the process of selling one of their three houses, (three that I know of), for close to a million, and my father is living on a state pension.

It's perfectly normal to leave an inheritance to children of a first marriage and not subsequent marriages where step children are involved.

Not sure who has 3 houses (your mum and your step father? Or your half siblings?) How come they have 3 houses? Holiday homes?

But in any case this is all theoretical.
Your mum is how old?

She may end up with no money - care home fees are around £1k a week so who knows where her money will go in 20 or 30 years' time.

Who IS she going to leave her estate to when the time comes?
If it's not you or your half siblings, where will it all go?

I suspect it's because she feels guilty about being a rubbish mum to you. Unfortunately, many people use inheritance as a weapon.

She's a Horrible Mother who doesn't love you because she is incapable of love.

But you haven't been able to convince yourself that she doesn't love or care for you because there's a part of you that believes that if she really doesn't care, then it is because you are unloveable. That isn't true - it's all on her.

She is not worth your time or energy. I'm glad your Dad got away from her, and I hope you are still in touch with him, and that he was a loving Dad.

i'm sorry that you're in this situation, OP.

In certain places, a child cannot be disinherited completely, but I'm assuming that you're in England?

(Under Scots law, a child is entitled to a share of the moveable estate - even if excluded in the will.)

Your mother sound completely unhinged. This is a ‘her’ problem and not a ‘you’ problem, and I’m sorry that you have been caught up in it all.

I find on MN there is always this rush to say "I don't expect anything" as though it's something you should say.

However if people are totally honest, if you have been born to two people who have amassed wealth when wealth was a great deal easier to amass - especially given that so much of it is through far more favourable pensions than we will ever get, and large amounts of unearned income simply because they were lucky enough to be of house buying age in the 70s and 80s - then yes. It is not unreasonable to "expect something". This is especially if one parent has died and left it all tax free to the surviving parent, particularly if that parent is one of the women who never worked particularly.

This is a generic point, rather than being particularly directed at the OP.

Hugs OP. This is a kick in the guts.

OP's half siblings will inherit from OP's mum and OP's step-father. OP will just inherit from her own father. She will get nothing from her mum.

She has mentioned her mother's and step-father's wealth in response to a poster who asked whether her mum is trying to ensure that all her children get equal amounts of inheritance, assuming that OP's dad is wealthier than her mum and step-dad. OP will receive much less than her half-siblings as she is only inheriting from one parent (her dad) and her dad is much less wealthy than her mum and step-dad.

Sorry not sorry 😂

Oh love this is not ok. I know it's hard but so be it. It's not about the money, even if there is some, it's about her bitterness. No wonder you are in bits.

That's it. You have nothing more to do with her. Let them think what they like. Your half siblings can get on with supporting her and with you out of the picture she will start on them. She will need more support as she ages but you do not do it.

My DMs family had a very different take on things once I went NC and they had all her bile. It was not so much "oh it's just what she's like" then. Fat lot of good that did me then or after. As if I'm supposed to have sympathy.

The same for you. Let them experience this horrible, spiteful woman once you've removed yourself as her target.

Do something nice no matter how small each day over Christmas. You are valued x

Wow OP, I’m so sorry for what your mother has put you through. She has been cruel, and manipulative.

Have you ever spoken to a professional about this? I have a complicated relationship with my tricky mum (lots of people think she is great, but she was an over bearing, narcissistic mother and it’s had a huge impact on me and my siblings, in different ways)

I really encourage you to find a good professional therapist to talk to, it has helped me so much.

Carrying the weight of your mother’s toxicity like this will eventually impact your health, as it doesn’t sound like anything you could do would ‘fix’ this situation. She has her own demons, and she is trying to shift some of the blame onto you. It’s not ok.

Airing it all to a therapist is a safe, private way to keep figuring out how you deal with such a negative figure in your life, and move past it.

sending hugs x

Which has what to do with anything?

You are completely misunderstanding the point being made.

OP mam thinks she will inherit 100% of her fathers estate.

OPs mam is therfore leaving her estate split to 2 out of 3 of her children (OPs MATERNAL half siblings) based on this assumption.

PP who you quoted is saying if OPs dad remarried and has more children (or his new wife has children so PATERNAL half/step sibling) then the father will split his estate between OP and her new half or step sibling... they said the mother might then add her back into her will (wishful thinking).

It has absoloutly nothing to do with the mothers kids at all.

No, they aren't his step children. They would only be his step children if they were already alive when he was married to their mother.

Is your mother seriously suggesting that it's fine to disinherit you on the grounds that your father won't be leaving anything to the children that she had with her next husband after they divorced? That's so bizarre.

The post I quoted from said her half siblings will inherit from their father.
It doesn't say anything about her mother's money (which may or may not be part of the family estate.) Her mum could, if she wishes, leave her money to the OP.

Given that men usually die first, her mum will stand to inherit his estate. He does however have the option to leave his estate only to his own children and not OP (who's his step child.)

Your DMs children with her husband are nothing to do with your DF. So of course he wouldn't include them because that's mad.

PP who you quoted is saying if OPs dad remarried and has more children (or his new wife has children so PATERNAL half/step sibling) then the father will split his estate between OP and her new half or step sibling... they said the mother might then add her back into her will (wishful thinking).

Surely this all depends on the age of her father?

I assumed that OP was perhaps in her 40s and her parents were in their 60s, to be discussing inheritances.

Is it likely that her father will have more children? (And yes, I know some men do have new families in their 50s.)

Ah, so your D(or not so much D) M is the female form of so many men that resent their ex getting their haif of assets in recognition of their work in raising the family? It's a shame OP but not unusual in itself sadly, but usually comes from the fathers side as its usually mum that is the SAHP.
It's not easy to do, but don't take it personally, your mother is stunted emotionally and morally

She sounds awful to be honest. Imagine thinking your father giving up his career to care for you was worthless. And absolutely bizarre that she thinks your Dad should recognise her children (has he ever even met them?) in his will. They are no relation whatsoever to him, there is no term I know of for your ex's children by their new partner.

I'm so sorry to hear this, how awful of DM. Are you sure it's just her and not DSD? When DH's DF died earlier this year he split his estate equally between DH, SIL, and his (ex but still living together, it's complicated) wife, and their daughter. His wife decided this was unfair on her and her daughter and threatened to overturn the will and take it all; DH didn't have the fight in him as he and SIL have both been very ill this year, so they agreed to settle for a lesser amount. FIL would have been so upset :-( but this may be coming from pressure from your step-father?

I hate it when people are drama llamas about changing their wills over perceived slights.

You don’t know what the future may bring, and neither does your mother or how long she will be around to mess with your head. Best to live your life, secure your own future financially without banking on inheritance, and stay away from her dramas!

I know you’ve already said you don’t want to grey rock / go NC with her but honestly I think you’d be much, much, happier if you did.

If your maternal aunts, uncles, etc have anything about them then they’ll stay in contact with you, regardless of what’s happening between you and your ‘mother.’

I don't know, but interestingly both my mother and step father have said that my single child and three step children should inherit equally from me "because that's just how it works", even though step children have their own mother who is wealthier than me.
If the conversation arises, I might ask whether my half siblings would expect to inherit from their father (my step father), should he re-marry and have future children, or whether the same logic would apply to them as for me.

How is your father staying home with and looking after you as a baby when your mother went back to work doing "fuck all"? Your mother sounds odd.

It all sounds very much, "heads everyone else wins, tails you lose".

You don't inherit anything from your mum because you have a father, even though your half siblings also have a father.

Your father should include your half siblings (who have never even been his step children) in his will, but you don't get anything from your stepfather, or even your actual mother.

What?

Make it make sense.

Your mothers children who she’s had with another man, isn’t anything to do with your dad!