It's ok to disinherit a firstborn if remarried and have a new family, right?

[Eatcabbage]

Or am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit hurt?
I feel like it is saying you aren't my daughter anymore, though this is about the billionth way this has been said over the years.
According to my mother, my father "should have got nothing" when they divorced as he did "f-all" and stayed at home with me after I was born when my mother went back to work, "and I paid your school fees", so why should I inherit anything from her?
I'm not bothered about the financial side of things and don't expect anything from my mother or anyone else and I never have, I'm fiercely independent, but I do get hurt by rejection.
I have two step siblings, and my father not recognising them in his will is apparently another reason why I have been disinherited by my mother.
I'm genuinely interested to know what is normally done in situations like this. Am I just being oversensitive? I know I am very sensitive to rejection and easily hurt by it.

You are not at all unreasonable to feel hurt but I can understand that your mother might want to try to even things up between her three children.

If she expects to inherit from your father and her other children are unlikely to inherit from theirs, she might decide that it is fairer to all three of you to leave you out of her will.

I don't think it would be unreasonable of her to make that choice (though I don't think I would do it) but if so I would expect her to explain her reasoning, making clear that she loved you very much but was leaving you out of her Will because you were already well provided for.

@Fifthtimelucky yes the logic is fine, but @Eatcabbage 's mother is not sitting her down and appealing to her to understand the reasoning behind not making a 3 way split. She is involving @Eatcabbage in her bitterness towards her ex, @Eatcabbage 's dad.

The OP bears no responsibility for the divorce or how her father came out of it financially. It is appalling that her mother even mentions it to her, let alone slamming the phone down, etc. She sounds horrendous.

Your mother should be feeling guilty and selfish, not you. Hugs from a fellow sufferer with a toxic mother. You have done nothing wrong.

I don't really have any solution to offer but I can sympathise with what you're saying @Eatcabbage

DF remarried and had more kids when my and DB were small. We were brought up by DM, we'd have the odd night staying over with DF but it was never like there was room for us, typically it would be staying over on the sofa etc.

While they were welcoming it didn't feel like we were part of their family. Stuff like they'd get a big stack of stuff for Christmas and we'd get a single gift. They'd go away on holiday every year while we'd go away with grandparents every other year. While I understand now it was expected of DM to provide for us what DF provided for them, when you're a kid it's like looking in the window of a toy shop.

I do think DF realised this after he divorced and he spent some time living with DB. One year he came into a little bit of money and DB got a nice gift. I got nothing because I was already old enough to provide by myself by that point. No problem 🤷‍♂️

It's not a nice feeling to be left out unintentionally, or even by someone with good intentions, so to have it weaponised against you is a horrible thing for someone to do.

I don't get what you're saying.

Why would the OP's mother inherit anything from OP's father? They are divorced.

I have two step siblings, and my father not recognising them in his will is apparently another reason why I have been disinherited by my mother.

OP means half siblings.
Her mother has had younger children with another man.
Why should OP's father leave them anything? There is no connection.
They are his ex-wife's children from another man, since their divorce.

Sorry OP. Would sending her a 'Father's for Justice' membership application and t-shirt help her understand whether she's being reasonable, as well as give you a smile?

Good luck.

Your mum is using inheritance as a weapon. She knows this is wrong and unfair, which is why she reacts so badly when the issue is raised.

Of course it isn't ok. Almost everyone here understands how unkind and hurtful this is for you, but is your mum going to change? It seems unlikely TBH.

I think you know that only you can reconcile yourself to the fact that this is how things are, and to learn to genuinely not care. Hard, very hard, but if she doesn't have that as an effective weapon to try to hurt your DF through you things may change then.

Your mum is horrible, sorry OP.

I totally understand how it feels to not be part of any family. My dad's estate went to my stepmum when he died, and will pass down to their kids (my half siblings). I won't get any. It'll be the same on my Mum's side. It's not the money though, who even knows with inheritance if anyone will get anything anyway, it's what you say about that sense of being the one on the outside looking in, while the new families are the 'real' families. It's why I simply don't believe blended families actually work in practice. Someone (usually the remarried mum) is deluding themselves that it's all great and in the best interests of all her kids, when in reality, it isn't.

@SantasBeardTrimmer apologies there is a typo in my previous post. The second para should have said "if she expects you to inherit from your father and her other children are unlikely to inherit from theirs"

I would not expect the OP's father to leave anything to anyone other than his own child/children.

@Badgersarethebiggestcarnivores I agree that the OP's mother is behaving appalling.

Your mother sounds like a narc.

"I can see a shred of logic here to be fair. Her logic is that you will be well provided for by your father, whose money she believes (rightly or wrongly) she contributed to, and therefore she’s making up for that by prioritising her other children in her own will."

Yes, and as for the DM expecting the DF to provide for the half-siblings too, I can also see the logic from the DM's point of view that the DF's money comes from their divorce so is originally money from the half-sibling's DM or even grandparents.

Not saying I agree with it, but I can see the logic.

She says I'll inherit from my father so I don't need to inherit from her as well, but like I said, it's not about the money, it's about the emotional implications

Is the amount you are likely to receive from your father similar to what your half sibling might receive from your Mum and their Dad? If you are already potentially likely to receive a big inheritance then I can see why she might be thinking to give her estate to your half sibling. I don't agree with that but it is something that some people believe.

Your mother’s children have no relationship to/with your father. They are his ex partner’s children. Just like my ex boyfriend has children, they are nothing to do with me.

Your mother is behaving awfully.

This is horrible to say, but one day you have to understand it to move on. You cannot make your mother love you and be kind to you like a mother should be. That is something which rests with her. The state of your relationship is entirely due to her. There is no apology you can give that will help because it is her behaviour that is the problem. One day you will realise this, and please trust me while it will hurt you will be free.

Sounds like it because they're younger than her.
I think she's completely confused about what family relations are called, but I suppose it doesn't matter.

This is called "sideways inheritance". It's so unfair on the bio child of the person who died

To the people determined to make this somehow OP's fault, it wouldn't be surprising if she did see her half-siblings as less connected to her than in a typical half-sibling relationship, given that her mother has apparently done a terrible job of parenting, drawing a sharp delineation between her firstborn and her subsequent children. The half-siblings don't sound great, either, tbh, though I suppose you can't be surprised, since their own mother has shown them how to act.

OP, I understand not wanting to sever the relationship with that entire half of your family, but please take measures to protect yourself and your children from further damage and never completely rule out the option to strictly limit contact with them. Sometimes having no family is actually better, and it sounds like your mother is horribly immature, selfish, and even intentionally cruel and perverse in her treatment of you. Your children don't deserve to be emotionally harmed by exposure to that.

This was my thought. It IS possible this has been explained as the primary reason, however the op is perceiving it otherwise?

My apologies OP if this doesn't apply. Perhaps I'm biased, and the terminology is just triggering for me, however I have a sibling who uses the term emotional rejection in reference to our parents. In reality, the emotional rejection is/has always been on their (my sibling's) part. They've caused me a great deal of heartache over the years by proclaiming to people that our parents treat me differently (when, in reality, the difference is actually how they treat our parents).

I hate to say this it’s better not to expect anything that way never be disappointed.

Im close to my Dad and without a conversation I’m aware that most likely it will go to his second wife and son (half brother). And even if I don’t know what’s actually in his will it’s easier that way. (Even though the house was bought with his share of my parents marriage)

Same with my Mum half her share will go to her husband and that would then go to my Step-siblings.

I’m still very close to both parents and easier just to not expect anything and then when the time comes (which I hope is a very very long time away) not be sad.

I completely agree with you, I pay a fortune in life insurance to make sure that all of my kids will be okay.

This is sort of true. My DM tries to level up 2 GC who won't get anything from their father's side, by giving them extra. It isn't necessarily to entirely cut off to do this; explaining "proportionally I will give you less than the others because you'll get more from your dad than they will from theirs" is different than "I won't give you anything".

Ii know she's your mother, but you need to distance yourself from this woman. for your sake and that of your child. She sounds horrid and I dont understand why you keep going back for more.

My half siblings will inherit from their father, and my mother and step father are much, much wealthier than my father is, so I don't think that is it. They are in the process of selling one of their three houses, (three that I know of), for close to a million, and my father is living on a state pension.
But, as I said, to me, it's not about it being a financial decision, it's about being recognised as being her daughter and I really don't think she sees it that way and your comments have reinforced that.
I think I need to grow up, suck it up and stop expecting her to be something she isn't.
I have tried to explain this to people in the past, that she's more like a distant aunt (except my aunt is absolutely lovely) than a mother and that I don't expect anything from her, but I evidently haven't done a very good job of believing myself.

That's the thing - you just end up feeling like you don't matter as much as the children that came after you. As if it was your fault that your parents divorced - they both moved on, and you're left behind, not part of either new family and largely irrelevant.

The more you say, the more I'd be inclined to suggest you think about what's in your own best interests. And that might not be maintaining a relationship with her. Not because of the inheritance but because contact with her is detrimental to your wellbeing. Why don't you talk it all through with a therapist?

You shouldn't feel guilty but your mother should. She is still angry about having to give your dad some money in the divorce and is using you to get back at him.

It sounds as though she made a new family following the divorce and you were always the outsider. Your half sibling doesn't sound very nice either, telling you that you were not part of her family.

I would distance myself as much as possible without cutting yourself off from the wider family. Please don't apologise to her, as you haven't done anything wrong.