To want to kill unwell DH?

[meltingsnowwomen]

He’s been in bed since Tuesday morning. So I’ve had to do everything.

The thing is he normally is away Tuesday to Thursday night anyway. So no difference.

But having him here and doing nothing is ten times worse than not here at all.

I am sure I am BU.

I feel your pain. My OH does this when ill. When I'm ill I'm just supposed to get on with it. If we're both ill then he takes to his bed and if challenged about the unfairness says something along the lines of 'You find it easier to keep doing things when you're ill than I do'. Drives me nuts. I'm not better at keeping going, just have never been given an option as he doesn't step up. Hope he recovers soon...

That your husband is leaving you to do all the care for your younger child when you are that ill and post-surgery is really shocking. He should be the cavalry! I honestly don't think it's a normal 'just what mums do' situation - maybe they do, but only if the dads are utterly shit. It's unforgivable.

Yes, this! Great suggestion for that conversation.

What is he ill with OP? Because if it’s a cold / man flu then this sort of behaviour grinds my absolute gears. When you become a parent you do have to step up. The days of lounging around with a cold are out the window with small kids on the scene. He should absolutely be helping where he can in the evenings unless he is on literal deaths door. Also one day of this is fine but multiple days of checking himself out for 24 hours is bullshit.

I also agree!! Please do have this discussion OP.

We won't tell if you do!

Is he doing the "ill voice"? That alone is good enough reason for murder.

I'm sorry, I don't get this irritation, "hatred and wanting to kill" a spouse who isn't well.
My husband is 75, massive age difference between us and when he's unwell, I get anxious.
Same for him.
Must be other reasons.
🙁

Why is it overwhelming only men who get so unwell that they can't care for children?

"Same for him" indicates you care about and for each other when one of you is unwell. OP is 'expected' to soldier on when she is ill, while her husband gets to retire to his bed to recover.

My DH has had the most awful cough for several weeks, and for about a week he was in bed. I WFH and was bringing him meals and Lemsip etc. in between meetings. The thing is - I am fairly decrepit and because he is retired he usually looks after me, which he does beautifully. I usually have breakfast brought to me either in bed or at my desk (upstairs). He gets my lunch for me and cooks our evening meal when I'm working. I find it difficult to make a lot of trips up and downstairs and can only carry things in one hand as I need the other to hold onto the stair rail. I found it really really difficult to not only look after him, but also to look after myself! I was irrationally annoyed at him which was so unfair of me.

Added to that there is the disgusting sound of old man coughing. It is still going on.... I find myself thinking 'why can't you just cough properly '!

Euthanasia? Its just that its involuntary.

Are you saying only women can get the flu?

Honestly this is the only time he's shit. If he wasn't unwell he'd be taking care of me, no questions.
He does his fair share of housework and parenting and he works full time.
He is autistic and I don't know if this impacts on how he behaves when unwell but it is really the only time he behaves this way. It's been worse since 2021 when he nearly died from pneumonia, so I think there's a trauma element there whenever he's ill.
It's just unfortunate I'm unwell at the same time. I do have family who can help, if I were too unwell to do anything in this situation I'd just go with my youngest to stay with my mum.

That makes sense @fraggeek - I can imagine nearly dying of pneumonia definitely would make future respiratory infections quite traumatic. And I'm really glad to hear that you're usually taken care of when unwell and that you have other sources of support.

Me and my husband have had the flu the last 2 weeks. I felt awful, I took it easy, but still got up, did a few hours work from home, walked the dog, went food shopping, did laundry, made dinner, just dotted in-between those things I had naps, honey and Lemons and really dropped my house keeping standards etc. On top of that im also pregnant and nauseous. My husband was in bed for a whole week, barely eating, and only drinking when I'd fetch and carry him beverages. I get that he may have been hit harder, but i said he can't do this in the future. I'm not expecting him to be super productive and pretend to be his normal self when ill. But you at least need to force yourself to function as an adult.

I do have sympathy for op, as for some reason when men get these things they just assume it's an opportunity to do literally nothing. You can rest and take it easy, while forcing moments of being a functional adult. Obviously there are exceptions when you are hospital / pneumonia levels unwell.

Me and my husband have had the flu the last 2 weeks. I felt awful, I took it easy, but still got up, did a few hours work from home, walked the dog, went food shopping, did laundry, made dinner, just dotted in-between those things I had naps, honey and Lemons and really dropped my house keeping standards etc

Are you sure you had flu and not just a bad cold? I have never had flu (touch wood), but I understand you are unable to get out of bed apart from to stagger to the loo, maybe sip something and that's about it.

Yes we took flu tests. It was my second time having it, had it as a child and was unwell for weeks. this time 2 weeks with a lingering cough going a week later. Its very distinctive, fever dreams, severe fatigue, relentless cough, headache, fevers, lost voice. But very little in the way of cold symptoms such as snotty nose

I do demand. I say you won’t be able to go to work tomorrow, you’re needed here. I didn’t demand and he never did anything to help when I was sick, and I realised this is a total deal breaker and told him that he can look after the kids when I’m sick including if he has to stay home or he can be divorced, and I tell him if I need him to look after them. Why shouldn’t I? He does barely get sick, uses his personal leave to do it, why shouldn’t he have to do it.of course if yours is already away you’re stuck, but if he isn’t you can say you need to stay home, and if you’re very unwell you can say you need to come home. That should be ok in a good marriage. Go into rhe bedroom and say to him I’d like you to think about how it works when I’m sick and I have to carry on looking after the kids without a break and how that would have felt, because the truth is I’m pretty resentful that we are a family but you get sick leave and I effectively don’t, it feels very unbalanced and I feel uncared for.

Is he wearing the dressing gown of doom too???

Fair enough. It seems your husband did get hit much harder, like we often hear about. I don't think it's fair of you to expect someone with flu to function well just because you have very mild symptoms.

I didn't, I let him rest and bought his drinks and food to him as requested. I said in the future (e.g when the baby is here) if we are both in this situation again, just because I feel better (even though I'm still feeling horrific) doesn't mean everything falls on me, unless completely debilitated (and if you are that ill with flu you should be in hospital) then you can fetch your own drinks, clean up after yourself etc. My parents had flu same time as me and my siblings as a child, I think i would have found it quite distressing if they refused to get out of bed for a week, we still needed fed and our basic needs met, so they did that.

Yes to all of this, but also do outsource where you can when you need to - getting a dog walker and supermarket deliveries if ill so that you can conserve energy, and taking time off work completely if that's possible and required. Laundry can usually wait a few days too.

This is spot on. Totally reasonable to be annoyed if he doesn't help you when you're ill.

Oh a lot of laundry definitely did wait a few days 😅 but yes you are right, I did the bare minimum to make sure dog was happy and we were fed, but there are ways to make it easier if organised/plan ahead