To want to kill unwell DH?

[meltingsnowwomen]

He’s been in bed since Tuesday morning. So I’ve had to do everything.

The thing is he normally is away Tuesday to Thursday night anyway. So no difference.

But having him here and doing nothing is ten times worse than not here at all.

I am sure I am BU.

I logged on Tuesday morning but wasn't well enough and have been in bed ever since.

My DH has worked and looked after me since then, he's fed me, got me cups of teas, lemsip, etc

When he isn't well it will be my turn to look after him.

Of course he’s a shit partner, I probably wouldn’t want to kill him otherwise, would I 😂

But irrespective of that I can actually see that most men don’t take days off work to dotingly tend to their ill wives.

I can manage ok with lower sats, simply because I'm used to it when unwell. The GP aren't concerned unless they drop below 85 and that's been the case for all 3 chest infections I've had this year. I'm just susceptible I guess. They're not as bad now, I've been able to cough up enough to clear my lungs a bit. I couldn't initially (I had a hysterectomy and the cough started 3 weeks later so it was painful).

When they're home from school/college the boys are more than happy to help me and they're constantly checking on me to see if I need anything. So at that stage I go and rest in the bedroom.

Maybe he does feel more unwell than me, I've no way of knowing. I think as a mum you naturally carry on as best you can anyway so I definitely cope much better at least. He's always been like it though, on deaths door the moment he gets a slight sniffle. I'm used to it now

When they're home from school/college the boys are more than happy to help me and they're constantly checking on me to see if I need anything. So at that stage I go and rest in the bedroom. why don't you rest while they're at school and college too @fraggeek? What's the everything that you're doing and can some if it just wait until you're better? It sounds really nasty and post-hysterectomy as well don't you need to be really careful and take it easy?

You're correct, it would be unusual for one spouse to take a day off to care for the other.

However it's perfectly normal for the men I know to take a day off to care for the children, if the mum is unable because she is sick.

But then most of the fathers we socialise with took shared parental leave or some sort of extended leave and are very fair in sharing in the parenting responsibilities, so my view may be skewed as yours appears to be the other way.

I also have a 4 year old with additional needs and challenging behaviour, so it a case of waiting for the cavalry to arrive 🤣
Postop wise I'm doing well now, so it's not so much of an issue x

Man here, currently with Manflu

of course your DH needs to be in bed - unfortunately you ladies just don't get the awfulness of the condition that is manflu

It makes Covid, Influenza, Dengue Fever, Ebola, SARS etc look like a walk in the park

Your DH needs to be in bed, served with hot toddy's and Lemsips for at least 7 days.

You will kill the poor chap if you interrupt the delicate process of recovery.

😀

YANBU, I feel your pain. my husband has a cold. A cold is not usually fatal, but could be arranged. I have a large patio.

She's letting off steam - its a frustrating situation. No-one said it was daggers at dawn! Sometimes you just want to vent, get it out there then move on.

I don't remember your thread but obviously it's important to consider attachment when moving children especially if it's repeated or for short periods.
I get your upset now but sometimes you need to look at the overall picture which is hard when you're trapped in everyday life. But your updates do seem to say more about circumstances other than this is the only issue not saying it's anyone's fault but if you feel unsupported or unable to ever take any me time life is not balanced.
Posts are in their nature short and abrupt that's the problem with them it's not like a face to face as people are doing many things I don't mean to offend you.
Merry Christmas

You only don't have that luxury as you allow him not to give it to you. People only treat us the way we let them. No-one needs to be a martyr.

I wish mine would stay in bed he clutters up the sitting room with used tissues, cups, glasses, coughing/sneezing, moaning, snoring, hogging the TV asking for another log on the burner.

I could scream at times.

DP took two days off work to look after me when I was ill recently, and we don't have kids.

The issue here isn't that your partner is unwell, it's that you're obviously unhappy in your marriage.

Agreed. I think this post should have a trigger warning. My husband recently died by suicide using the method mentioned above and I now very much regret reading this thread

If either parent is in bed ill then the other steps in, which means he takes a day off work to care for the children when you're ill in bed.
You are being questioned because things are not equal in the household.

Are you saying that if you are unwell enough to need a day in bed that your husband would trundle off to work leaving you to care for the children? This is why you're feeling resentful. Has he acknowledged this or does he not even see it as an issue?

So if I understand correctly then under normal circumstances he’d be working away Tuesday-Thursday and you’d only have the options to do everything yourself OR to ask him to come home and takeover, which you’d never do unless dead and dying. He is sufficiently unwell he’s been in bed for those 3 days and it’s making you angry because if you were equally poorly you’d not have another adult around without asking OH to leave work so you have to crack on with it.

If I’ve understood that then I get it’s annoying because it feels unfair that when he is ill the option exists for him to rest without disrupting the normal household/work routine and when you are ill it doesn’t. I think though that’s not really his fault if you’ve agreed between you on that work pattern and you don’t think it’s reasonable to ask he uses parental leave in case you are unwell and need to spend a couple of days in bed to recover. If he were at home I’d fully expect him to flex working hours and take on the kid stuff in the evenings but I get he can’t do that while working away and it’s just a bit shit.

On the whole YABU to expect him to help you while he is il enough to be bed bound. YANBU to be frustrated with the set up and venting about that. Also if I misread and he doesn’t usually work away it wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect him to do everything outside of working hours and to arrange to vary his working hours to do drop off/pick up when you are sick. Even working away I don’t see it as unreasonable that he might need to take parental leave if you are unwell enough to be bed bound (I think you do though so that’s likely something you wouldn’t want to explore)

Suggesting this got me told to F...off. then attacked

What does he do to make your life easier when you are ill? Does he sort the children and food etc when he comes from work?
If not, that has to change.
Is it and option for him to work from home on that occasion?

They'll be another thread on here in about 1 hour moaning about how people who are ill should stay at home and away from work and not pass diseases around before Xmas.

If you want him to help in such situation, tell him. It would be good if you talk about situations like this to see how you want to handle this together.

He was there.

I've now read all OP's posts and he sounds awful.
You shouldn't need to physically force him to care for his children if you are ill.
You should be able to take to your bed knowing that the father can look after his children. He sounds selfish and incapable.
People who work don't stop being parents when they are at work.
I am a lone parent, if my child needs me I have to stop work (or call in a favour from a good friend if I am physically unable to take care of child e.g. at a conference).

Do you love him, OP?

Maybe he was trying to avoid giving you and the children the bug he's got by staying out of the way.

The bit with the screaming kids at bath time would have finished me off too OP. Unless he's at deaths door or recovering from major surgery there was feck all stopping him taking 10 minutes out his bed to come and help!

I have an amazing husband, but there is still no way he would take a day off work to look after the kids unless I was so ill I physically couldn't move. He's self employed and that would be ludicrous. I suck it up! And yes, as a result I am ridiculously jealous of anyone who has the luxury of 'taking to bed' when they are ill. It's just not realistic for the majority of mums with small children.