Am I being silly re Christmas dinner/day.

[Hairisbad]

I knew for a number of months that DD is working over Christmas.
Won't be home until 6pm so is going to have her Christmas day
with her family at 7pm. Live 5 miles away.
Back in boxing day.

But have just been told by DS that him and his family are going
to his wife's friends house for Christmas day. No plans to see us.
Lives less than a mile away. Going sales shopping on boxing day.

As a family we are getting together at the weekend after Christmas day.

This means that DH and I are on our own. Yes we can get nice food in
and watch what we want on TV.
It seemed as though they didn't care we were on our own.
We are retired so it will just be a normal day for us.

Am I being Silly to feel left out.

But why is it a problem? It’s not a problem, it’s not your children’s responsibility to shield you from spending time by yourselves, you chose each other.

Not to derail the topic but why not go shopping and buy cheese you do like, or chocolates? They're not being very considerate to you so who cares if they think it's strange. Your husband should have done this years ago to make you feel comfortable and included

If you want to make them happy, buy French cheese and chocolate, if not, Somerset brie and quality street it is!

Frankly it sounds great. You and your DH have a lovely cosy time on the day itself - it is just a day after all, while your adult children are busy with their own lives and pressures Then you see family a few days later. I am sorry if you are sad about it op, particularly if you were expecting and wanting something different, but you need to make the best of it and enjoy the day.

I think DS assumed the family Christmas meal was rescheduled to accommodate DD and therefore he nade other plans for Christmas Day

Sounds like poor communication / misunderstanding rather than flaky

Wishing you well with your health

Unless you’re religious then December 25th is just another holiday and if you’re religious then you’ll be going to church anyway 🤣
I thought I’d hate not having the children and GChildren over on the 25th but I love the fact I’m only cooking for 2!

Do you honestly believe the DD would be choosing to work Christmas Day and Boxing Day away from her own household if she had a choice about it? Why should she be apologising when she made it clear back in August that she wouldn't be able to make it?

We are the children in your scenario. Both sets of parents retired so look forward to Christmas and expect to see us. For us, this time of year is hard with tiredness, illness and needing a break. I hate Christmas and the expectation I have to rush around and see everyone when there are 51 other weeks of the year to see us. i hate being made to feel guilty that they are on their own and it becomes my burden. I just want to stay at home and relax. Your daughter is working, I can’t believe you’d expect her to come and see you after a shift at work just because it’s Christmas. Maybe give your kids a bit of understanding. They might be tired and in need of some downtime, you are retired and can be flexible when you see them.

I’m worried that what I say now might be misinterpreted so know that I mean this gently and kindly….it’s not all about you. I can imagine that if you’ve been ill for some time, people have given you a lot of attention, more perhaps than adult kids would normally. During that time, they have probably sacrificed seeing other people close to them. I know this because it happened to me when I had a sick parent. It’s right that DiL gets to spend time with people important to her, as well as your family. As she doesn’t have family of her own, those connections will be even more precious to her and she needs to nurture them too.

You aren’t alone, you’re with DH and there’s no reason why you can’t meet up another day. You’ve had a rough time so think of all that you do have instead of concentrating on one day.

I hope your recovery is going well.

I can understand feeling left out, but sonetimes with all the pressure over Christmas and who to spend time with, things get blown out of proportion.

Personally, I'd be having the following conversation if I was in your place and wanted to be included.

'DD: I completely understand that you're working and will be tired, but we'd very much like to join some part of Christmas celebrations. Of course I don't want to add yo your workload by expecting you to host/cater for us but is there some way we can join you for a bit? Could we join you for pre dinner drinks, or after dinner for a bit of Christmas pudding and watch the kids open some presents?'

'DS: we'd love to see you over the Christmas period - completely understanding and happy that you're spending the day with friends. Is there any possibility that we could join you for breakfast or just a coffee on Christmas moring before you head to friends house, if timing works? (Not sure if DS has kids) Or alternatively, can we meet after your sales shopping on b. Day for a purchase debrief - we can provide wine & snacks?'

Honestly you are being silly. You won't be alone. You get a Christmas just you and DH - a choice many people actively make.

First Christmas after getting married me and DH decided we weren't going anywhere and stayed home alone and it was bliss. Then DC came along so stayed home with them obviously but if they hadn't come along by that second Christmas we would have spent it just us two again.

I'm sure they'll call and you're having a get together a couple days later.

I can understand your disappointment but you should concentrate on making the date you have arranged to spend with them enjoyable and special.

Xmas is often the only time many adults get a small break from their busy lives and have their small 'me time' ..unfortunately society pressures young adults to spend this time catering to the wants of others. Making them feel bad if they proritize the own wants and also making others feel bad if they are not then the 'chosen ones' for their time that year.

Please have some kindness with your own feelings of disappointment but also you should respect that these adults have made different choices on how to spend their xmas day but have still made plans to be with you at a later date.

Have a great Xmas day with your husband and try to make it a special xmas for two..

I wonder if your DD is sort of like the nuclear family member - if she doesn’t go then the dynamic is quite different so maybe your DS likes to go when you can all go?

This is how it is in my family, if one of my siblings doesn’t go then everyone else is a little muted and it isn’t as enjoyable to visit.

YANBU to feel wistful about the family Christmas you'd hoped for not happening. What with COVID and cancer it's been an up-and-down few years and who'd blame you for wanting to get back to normal? Unfortunately, meanwhile "normal" has moved on. What some posters have said about Christmas being a season rather than a single day is the way to try and think about it. In some countries the day itself (which is not even December 25th for some) is a religious festival and the parties and feasting happen another time such as 24th, 26th or on Twelfth Night. That we "have to" have everyone together on the 25th is a cultural thing that seems to be set in stone but doesn't have to be.

For example 2 of my DC have moved to the other end of the country, while one has DC of his own plus numerous in-laws and his dad to juggle. When DS4 and I get a chance for Christmas dinner with any of them we take it. Meanwhile DSis is single with cats and reduced mobility. In order not to leave her feeling like an afterthought, we've arranged it for the past few years that, regardless of whether we are going anywhere for Christmas Day (this year we're not), we will go round to hers on the next available day - usually Boxing Day - for party style foods and to abuse her movie channel. She's ok having the Big Day on her own because she's developed her own routine for it that wouldn't really work for me and DS anyway (like certain films she has to watch every year!), and of course we're at the end of a phone if she feels lonely or sentimental. There's comfort in tradition, but it doesn't have to be the same as everyone else's tradition.

It’s perfectly possible she’s choosing to work. Lots of people prefer working on Xmas Day for various reasons. If they don’t have young kids and most of their colleagues do, considerate people offer to work to allow their colleagues to be with their kids.

I manage people and if someone I managed hadn’t been able to be with her parents on Xmas Day for two years because her mother was very ill with cancer, I’d hope her work colleagues would be supportive of me giving her Xmas Day off.

If my mother had been ill for two years and I couldn’t see her on Xmas Day, I’d have fought for the time off. If I wasn’t successful, I’d tell my mother how sad, frustrated and apologetic I was that it wasn’t possible.

It does seem quite late to find this info out. We sorted out hosting and who was attending done tine ago - so I could plan food etc. but it's not unreasonable for married DC to go to in laws.

I had two christmases over Covid years just me and DD and we had a good time and were very jolly. I poshed up the champagne and food - having lobster as starters which I wouldn't normally do when feeding 8-14 people. We just decided to make it fun! Played games etc.

Well, now is the time to decide to invite your kids for next Christmas Dinner.
Plan a year in advance.

You will have a lovely Christmas get together the following weekend so you are not missing out.
Do somethings that you two have secretly wanted to do for Christmas.
Is there a Carols that you want to join?
Do you want to help dish up a festive meal with the Salvos?
Is there a delightful long film or delicious rich food that you'd enjoy.
Do you crave to go to the beach?
Climb a mountain?

If this is the case I presume you don't like them and have very little to do with them. Otherwise it's just weird.

@Hairisbad did you see your DC on Christmas Day the last 2 years just not for a large Christmas meal etc

Thank you for your responses.

After reading some last evening I realise I am being silly.
I agree Im not alone.

Speaking to DH we are going to see if we can go away tomorrow sometime until next Friday. Whether it's abroad or this country. Plenty of clothes upstairs to be able to pack quickly.
Then be back in time for the whole family get together.

Merry Christmas to you all.

To all these posters( many of whom do not have adult children ),saying it's perfectly fine for the son, who lives only a mile away, to not see his parents on Christmas Day, I wonder whether you'd be as blasé if your own adult children did not see you at all on Christmas day, especially if you had recovered from cancer?

My Dad has recovered from cancer and he’s always been supportive of our choices. We normally go another day so my kids benefit from two Christmas days (the 27th this year). Him and my mum have a busier Christmas social life than I do so have a full Christmas itinerary anyway.

I also have shared care of my daughter so have not had the choice to have her with me every Christmas but we have always found another day to celebrate.

The people on this thread moaning about being 'alone' when in a couple should go and look at the recent thread where people who are actually alone shared what they are doing at xmas. There are some lovely ideas, and you could learn from the lack of self-pity on there.

That sounds a wonderful idea @Hairisbad. I hope you manage to book something special and make wonderful memories together. You may even get a great last minute deal. Have a fabulous time, whatever you do.

It’s deffo not silly to feel left out that your kids can’t or don’t want to spend the day with you. Your feelings are valid.

But there’s always a way to turn it into a positive, which you have. Merry Xmas!

Merry Christmas, OP. I'm glad you've made some nice plans.

Thanks for this. It’s what we understand about our own adult children (we’re the grandparents)

OP, a Christmas celebration can be held on a different day, to suit the kids. Ours is on 23rd. It’s just us two on 25th and that’s ok. It sounds as if what’s extra hard for you this year is that you had hopes of all being together after your illness and treatment. In fact you can have two Christmases: one for the two of you and one for you all a couple of days later.