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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being silly re Christmas dinner/day.

246 replies

Hairisbad · 18/12/2024 20:55

I knew for a number of months that DD is working over Christmas.
Won't be home until 6pm so is going to have her Christmas day
with her family at 7pm. Live 5 miles away.
Back in boxing day.

But have just been told by DS that him and his family are going
to his wife's friends house for Christmas day. No plans to see us.
Lives less than a mile away. Going sales shopping on boxing day.

As a family we are getting together at the weekend after Christmas day.

This means that DH and I are on our own. Yes we can get nice food in
and watch what we want on TV.
It seemed as though they didn't care we were on our own.
We are retired so it will just be a normal day for us.

Am I being Silly to feel left out.

OP posts:
Peaceandquietandacuppa · 19/12/2024 07:15

Hairisbad · 18/12/2024 21:39

@AlohaRose do you not know the meaning of 'discuss'.
We as a family chatted. Me and DH asked if they would like to come on Christmas day. Ds and wife said ok.
DD then mentioned she would be working.
We presumed that as ds didn't say no then, they were still coming.
The family get together at the weekend after was only sorted a few weeks ago.

Would you not talk about it at some point between August and now to say “what time do you want to come over” or similar?

TooManyBloodyMarys · 19/12/2024 07:19

Sounds like your son has (understandably) thought that Christmas would be celebrated once as a family and it would be on the day everyone could make it. The problem here is the lack of communication about it between you all. I can sympathise with your disappointment, especially after your illness, but I don't think it sounds malicious. Try to make the most of a lovely peaceful day and enjoy your family day when it comes.

Sugargliderwombat · 19/12/2024 07:20

We are attempting to establish this with our families. It's too much to rush around trying to please everyone in one day. Sounds like your son is a rubbish communicator but just thinks your Christmas is the following weekend.

CandiedPrincess · 19/12/2024 07:23

Hairisbad · 18/12/2024 21:04

Last year I was recovering from cancer.
We did mention after my treatment, that this year
they will have dinner with us.
That's when DD mentioned that she was working.

That doesn't sound like an invite, it sounds like a summons!

Differentstarts · 19/12/2024 07:23

OTannenbaumOTannenbaum · 19/12/2024 06:23

If DS and DIL agreed to come and have now backtracked to go to a friend's, I think that's pretty awful and I'd be asking why.

Because Christmas has been moved to the weekend

speakout · 19/12/2024 07:25

You won't be alone though OP.

It's a bit insulting to people who truly spend christmas alone.

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 19/12/2024 07:47

I’m in my 40s, haven’t had Christmas dinner with my mum or Dad for over 20 years-before I was married. I see them in the Christmas period, but not actually at Christmas.

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 07:49

You’re not on your own though, you have your husband?

BriannaCranston · 19/12/2024 07:50

Hairisbad · 18/12/2024 21:04

Last year I was recovering from cancer.
We did mention after my treatment, that this year
they will have dinner with us.
That's when DD mentioned that she was working.

This sticks out to me OP. You "mentioned" that they "will" have dinner with you? You don't get to decide that I'm afraid, they are adults with their own lives and their own plans. And you and your DH can still have a full Christmas Day, you are just choosing not to.

ProfessionalPirate · 19/12/2024 07:51

YANBU. It’s understandable that your DD is unavailable because of work but if I was in her shoes I’d be very unimpressed that my brother didn’t step up. Between myself and my brothers, we’d never let my parents be alone on Christmas Day, same for my in-laws.

BriannaCranston · 19/12/2024 07:54

CapercailleP · 19/12/2024 05:36

Those of you saying "but you won't be on your own!" It was obvious what OP meant - that she and her DH (both retired) will be spending the day just the two of them rather than having any of their family round. And surely people can understand why this would matter to OP especially after having cancer treatment (hope all's well now, OP 💐)

OP - could you tell your DS how much you'd love to see him on Xmas Day - even if it's just for coffee and cake before they go to their friends?

What about meeting up with DD and her family for lunch or coffee in town during a break from shopping? Maybe take the grandkids off them for a bit. I'm assuming there are dgc as you said DD would be spending Xmas evening with her family.

Edited

What does them being retired have to do with anything? And again, two people cannot be alone: they are together on Christmas Day.

GabriellaMontez · 19/12/2024 07:55

It's not nice that your ds sprung this on you yesterday.

Yanbu.

Did you say anything?

Mill3nniel · 19/12/2024 07:57

I think it's difficult to balance everything at Christmas. There are families to see and at least you are not home alone like many will be.

Mill3nniel · 19/12/2024 07:58

It sounds like you discussed this last year and then you haven't mentioned it again until now which is too late as people may not remember last year's conversation

crumblingschools · 19/12/2024 07:59

Have you not spoken about Christmas Day since August? When you arranged the weekend meal was Christmas Day mentioned then? Do you think your son then thought you had moved your celebrations to then because of his sibling working on Christmas Day.

LucastaNoir · 19/12/2024 08:00

You are not alone.

You are with the person you love who you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with.

heartforacompass · 19/12/2024 08:00

we were almost in this situation for the first time this year and it was the thought that both our kids didn’t think it was a problem for us to spend Xmas day alone that hurt us a bit, more than it actually happening ! as obviously we would have got on with it on the day - we’re in our 60s and no doubt a Xmas day just together is in our future 🎄

Sayoonara · 19/12/2024 08:02

You're having the family celebration at the weekend though, when your daughter can make it? Your son could pop in on xmas day though, that is true.

I hate all this pressure around 'the day'. I live extremely far from my parents and other family (they moved, not me). It's expensive, crowded (on train), and difficult with my work schedule to get there for Christmas Day itself, yet they pressure me to do so. I don't, I go a few days before or after, and spend my Christmas Day alone (actually alone! No partner).

thepariscrimefiles · 19/12/2024 08:04

TempuraCustard · 19/12/2024 07:02

Ah yeah sorry missed that bit.

In that case yeah that's a bit off especially leaving it so late to let you know but they're adults so I'd just be happy he's found someone he wants to spend his Christmases and life with

Show quote history

She probably is happy that he has found someone to spend his life and Christmases with.

However, as OP has been unable to celebrate the previous two Christmases due to her cancer treatment, it isn't unreasonable of her to invite her DS and DIL for Christmas once her treatment was over and to be disappointed that, having agreed to come, they are now going to spend the day with DIL's friend.

CleanShirt · 19/12/2024 08:04

speakout · 19/12/2024 07:25

You won't be alone though OP.

It's a bit insulting to people who truly spend christmas alone.

This.

Why OP can't make the most of the day with her husband I don't know. It's literally one day.

Owly11 · 19/12/2024 08:06

Your posts about how and when everything was discussed are a little vague. Are you saying that in August you invited both DS and DD over and they both said yes. Then nearer the time (when?) your daughter got her work schedule and said she couldn't come any more and because you heard nothing from your son you assumed he was still coming? I think August is too early for definitive and final plans. I would expect to follow up in November with a conversation along the lines of are you still coming for Christmas? It's also not clear when and why another date was arranged. I think if I were your son or daughter I would assume that this was the family get together and not expect another date. If you communicate with everyone as vaguely as you communicate on this thread then that might be contributing to the breakdown in communication.

HoundsOfHelfire · 19/12/2024 08:10

Why not book a meal out somewhere nice Christmas Day? Make it special for you and DH. You’ve got your big Christmas do a little after x

SillyNavySnail · 19/12/2024 08:12

I'll be in france at partners parents, who are French and don't speak English. I've tried learning but can read/write, not join in any native conversation.

I luckily have our 2 kids 1 & 3, but it's very lonely with 6 adults chatting non stop leaving me out. 23rd morning until 26th eve.

Also, no christmas meal (they just have a non particular nice meal), no tubs of chocolates, only strong Cheeses I don't like (i like brie & roule but thats never there). Often the starter is a patè type thing i don't like, so i have an empty plate whilst they ear (5th year me going and parents still don't cater for me)

It's not christmassy at all!

Both my parents are dead, last one has been 3 years. So my kids have never met their grandparents, which sucks even more at this time of year. But we'll see my side of the family some 27th and my brothers & families 4th Jan for my Xmas dinner

If I was you, I wouldn't just say "you're coming over", I'd put it writing on WhatsApp etc, "right, let's sort xmas. Can we do a get together xmas day, can you do the whole day or morning or afternoon" get it firmed up properly in early October

EdithBond · 19/12/2024 08:13

@Hairisbad. You’re not being silly at all. Most mothers would be hurt if neither of their kids could see them on Xmas Day when they’ve been unable to be together for two years due to cancer.

Your son sounds uncommunicative and uncaring. How did he tell you he wouldn’t be seeing you on Xmas Day? What reason did he give for not being with you? Was he torn or apologetic?

Even your daughter could surely have made sure she’s not working if she hasn’t spent the day with you for two years due to your cancer. Again, was she apologetic? Did she say she’d fought to get the day off but couldn’t?

Do you generally get on well? Are you close? It does sound odd behaviour. But probably a misunderstanding because you haven’t spoken openly. Maybe your son assumed your family Xmas was at the weekend rather than on Xmas Day and didn’t realise you’d love to see him both times. Maybe his partner really struggles being with your family on Xmas Day because it emphasises how much she misses her own.

I’d let them know you’re hurt and why. I assume because, when you’ve not been able to celebrate with them for two years due to cancer treatment, you hoped they’d want to be together now you’re feeling better. And that having dealt with cancer, you’ve realised how precious spending Xmas Day with family is, to make memories.

But I wouldn’t cause upset if you’re getting together at the weekend. That’s your time to celebrate and you should enjoy it. So, best not to ruin it. I hope you and your partner make sure Xmas Day is special and romantic for just the two of you. Take advantage of it being just the two of you after was must have been a tough couple of years.

aCatCalledFawkes · 19/12/2024 08:14

I can understand you’re disappointed but I think it’s a you problem not them. Christmas Day is just one day out of a whole period of time and they are coming round at the weekend to have another Christmas with you. There is lots celebrating to go around.
There is plenty you can do instead, Maybe ask some friends round for a drink, go out for dinner on Christmas Eve etc.
My daughter goes alternate Christmas days with her Dad, some years it’s just been my son and I. Its been hard but also been totally fine, we have had a lovely chilled out day including a full turkey roast between us.
By no means are you lonely, there are people in far worse situations, or there are people like your DD who get no choice and have to work.