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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being silly re Christmas dinner/day.

246 replies

Hairisbad · 18/12/2024 20:55

I knew for a number of months that DD is working over Christmas.
Won't be home until 6pm so is going to have her Christmas day
with her family at 7pm. Live 5 miles away.
Back in boxing day.

But have just been told by DS that him and his family are going
to his wife's friends house for Christmas day. No plans to see us.
Lives less than a mile away. Going sales shopping on boxing day.

As a family we are getting together at the weekend after Christmas day.

This means that DH and I are on our own. Yes we can get nice food in
and watch what we want on TV.
It seemed as though they didn't care we were on our own.
We are retired so it will just be a normal day for us.

Am I being Silly to feel left out.

OP posts:
motherofonegirl · 19/12/2024 00:00

Although I can understand why you feel disappointed, your grown children don't owe you their company on Christmas day. They have their own lives and other in-laws and friends to share their time with or maybe they want a small Christmas with their partner and children with no extended family. Don't show them you feel upset and try to enjoy the day with your husband - you aren't on your own. Then look forward to another Christmas day with your children later on.

RawBloomers · 19/12/2024 00:01

I can see why, after the conversation in the summer, you thought he was coming. He may have thought the plan was off when his sister said she couldn’t make it, he may have just forgotten because it’s a while ago and a lot has happened. Or when they got an invite from the wife’s friend he thought it was more appealing and decided to flake on you.

You will have a better idea than anyone on here which is most likely. The last of those I’d find really hurtful, the others not so much.

Of course, whatever the reason, it’s disappointing to find out the plans you’d been looking forward to are not going ahead, especially so close to the day. But I think your attitude that you will be “alone” (and especially the emotional blackmail-ish “they don’t care we’ll be on our own”) when you’re with your DH and that it will “just be a normal day” is a unnecessarily negative and you can make it a great day without your kids there if you want to.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 19/12/2024 00:03

I'm sorry that you feel sad OP but you're not alone you have your DH. I never spend Christmas with family and do think the obsession with seeing family on the day is strange. As long as you see them at some point over the holidays what does it matter? Enjoy a relaxed day with your DH and look forward to the weekend when you will see your family. It's only 3 days later!

GravyBoatWars · 19/12/2024 00:24

I can see why, after the conversation in the summer, you thought he was coming. He may have thought the plan was off when his sister said she couldn’t make it, he may have just forgotten because it’s a while ago and a lot has happened. Or when they got an invite from the wife’s friend he thought it was more appealing and decided to flake on you.

I think the other possibility is that DS & wife said sure to a general “let’s celebrate at our house this year” back in August but DD said she couldn’t do it on Christmas Day so you weren’t all going to be able to be together then after all, and no further plans were discussed for several months. Then a few weeks ago everyone agrees on concrete plans to celebrate together with Op’s family a couple of days after Christmas and DS and his wife thought that would be instead of a celebration on the 25th while OP was thinking it was in addition to.

I’d tell DS you had thought they were coming over on Christmas Day because of what was discussed in August and see what he says.

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/12/2024 00:46

We are the retired grandparents in this situation. This year we are lucky and hosting all DC and DGC. Last year and next they will be at their in-laws and we will discuss spending Christmas Day on a foreign beach (then probably settle for a quiet day, just the two of us).

ChubbyMorticia · 19/12/2024 01:07

I have two AC that are out on their own. One has a partner and a brand new baby as of last week. The new parents are staying home and we’re probably going to see them in the new year. Other AC will be here Friday.

I honestly don’t care when they visit, as long as we get to see each other. Why do folks get so caught up in having to do everything on the specific date?

GreenTeaLikesMe · 19/12/2024 01:23

I said something about this on another thread, but this kind of thing is why I wish "Chistmas Day" would stop being a thing (other than for sincerely religious people, a bit like Whitsun or Lent); it creates a lot of hurt feelings, drama, competition, arguments and stigma about "who's going where and who's going to be at whose place for Xmas Day." It would be better to think of Xmas as being a sort of "generalized winter period" where we catch up with different people at different times/days and enjoy some nice special food and sparkly lights in between.

Can you ask around your hobby groups, social groups etc. and see if any other couples (or singles) are in a similar situation and would enjoy getting a takeout, going to the pub or cooking together at your place or one of theirs?

ExitPersuedByAMemory · 19/12/2024 01:39

ChubbyMorticia · 19/12/2024 01:07

I have two AC that are out on their own. One has a partner and a brand new baby as of last week. The new parents are staying home and we’re probably going to see them in the new year. Other AC will be here Friday.

I honestly don’t care when they visit, as long as we get to see each other. Why do folks get so caught up in having to do everything on the specific date?

I completely agree. Besides, while the exact date of Jesus’s birth isn’t known and December 25 isn’t necessarily his actual birthday, Christmas is more about celebrating the message of hope, love, and peace that Jesus brought to the world. The day itself isn’t as important as the spirit of the celebration. It’s a time for reflection, gratitude, and spreading kindness, which can be meaningful any day of the year and therefore does not need to be a specific date.

ChubbyMorticia · 19/12/2024 02:09

ExitPersuedByAMemory · 19/12/2024 01:39

I completely agree. Besides, while the exact date of Jesus’s birth isn’t known and December 25 isn’t necessarily his actual birthday, Christmas is more about celebrating the message of hope, love, and peace that Jesus brought to the world. The day itself isn’t as important as the spirit of the celebration. It’s a time for reflection, gratitude, and spreading kindness, which can be meaningful any day of the year and therefore does not need to be a specific date.

Edited
Show quote history

Actually, from what the Bible says, Jesus was born in the spring.

It’s celebrated in December due to wanting Pagans to comply, by basically shifting Yule/Winter Solstice.

Which is why all the trappings (trees, candles, singing etc) are also Pagan.

Happyinarcon · 19/12/2024 02:17

I would feel upset in your shoes. I have friends that I could go to see on Xmas day though if I found myself in this position

Eenameenadeeka · 19/12/2024 02:39

I understand why you feel disappointed. I hope that you enjoy the day with your husband, and that when you do get together with your children its a lovely Christmas celebration:)

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/12/2024 03:10

Hairisbad · 18/12/2024 21:39

@AlohaRose do you not know the meaning of 'discuss'.
We as a family chatted. Me and DH asked if they would like to come on Christmas day. Ds and wife said ok.
DD then mentioned she would be working.
We presumed that as ds didn't say no then, they were still coming.
The family get together at the weekend after was only sorted a few weeks ago.

Did you always keep agreements and promises with your kids when they were growing up? If they said ok and then backed out, especially after last year, he’s being really unfair. Idk if I’d say something. But that’s pretty rubbish.

ChubbyMorticia · 19/12/2024 03:21

I need to ask: do folks discuss Christmas that far in advance as a normal thing? I don’t want to even think about it until after Halloween.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 19/12/2024 03:27

ChubbyMorticia · 19/12/2024 01:07

I have two AC that are out on their own. One has a partner and a brand new baby as of last week. The new parents are staying home and we’re probably going to see them in the new year. Other AC will be here Friday.

I honestly don’t care when they visit, as long as we get to see each other. Why do folks get so caught up in having to do everything on the specific date?

I don't get it either. My kids will be at their dads for the next week. The 28th is going to be Christmas day for me this year. The 'real' Christmas day will just be me, takeaway and a movie. My Christmas day celebration isn't less real for happening on a different date. Seeing or not seeing someone on Christmas day isn't a measure of love. Id feel different if I didn't get to celebrate Christmas at all with loved ons, but I can't understand why it matters it's on that exact date.

Time2beme · 19/12/2024 03:28

Invite friends over, head to church or for a walk,.head for a cold water swim.

I'm in my forties our adult DD and fiancé are spending Christmas day together seeing friends on the 27/28th and coming to us 31st to 2nd and seeing her in-laws after us. I'm happy to be willingly visited when fits in with their work and other plans. They phoned and asked if we had any specific plans and then sat down with their leave calendar and fitted everyone in.

We have one child still at home so will do church and Christmas with him and I'll head for a cold water swim. But we'll have lunch and some gifts and do a jigsaw/play a game/read new books/craft something perhaps have a walk to see Christmas lights.

Boxing day we have a visit to a stately home and friends to see we've in-laws to meet up with/host on the 28th

Its ok to be disappointed at late notice from your son. Is this usual communication from him? What normally happens for you at Christmas? Do you have any friends or neighbours who'll be alone or in a similar position to you and can meet together?

Perhaps next year you can clarify situation earlier and plan a different set up for the day

LameBorzoi · 19/12/2024 03:35

So your Christmas Day isn't the 25th this year, it's a few days later.

LameBorzoi · 19/12/2024 03:37

GreenTeaLikesMe · 19/12/2024 01:23

I said something about this on another thread, but this kind of thing is why I wish "Chistmas Day" would stop being a thing (other than for sincerely religious people, a bit like Whitsun or Lent); it creates a lot of hurt feelings, drama, competition, arguments and stigma about "who's going where and who's going to be at whose place for Xmas Day." It would be better to think of Xmas as being a sort of "generalized winter period" where we catch up with different people at different times/days and enjoy some nice special food and sparkly lights in between.

Can you ask around your hobby groups, social groups etc. and see if any other couples (or singles) are in a similar situation and would enjoy getting a takeout, going to the pub or cooking together at your place or one of theirs?

I've decided that it isn't a thing, and that I can choose a day to celebrate Christmas on.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 19/12/2024 03:37

healthybychristmas · 18/12/2024 23:18

It really bugs me when people say they're going to be spending Christmas on their own… apart from their partner that is!

It's like people that say their single parents because their OH travels a lot. It's not the same at all. I will actually be alone for Christmas, as in seeing no one at all. Absolutely not bothered by it, but actually alone unlike OP.

Huonneyywisshful · 19/12/2024 03:42

When your children become adults, you have to work on yourself to let go. They build lives, have their own children and acquire in-laws. We’ve been on our own for some Christmases, so made our own plans. One year we went to the Lake District, another time we went to Spain. Don’t be sad @Hairisbad , do your own thing and rejoice in the fact that you have your DH to do things with.

anon4net · 19/12/2024 03:59

@Hairisbad it's normal to feel emotion when it comes to holidays and expectations. It's also really normal for adult children to have different wants/needs/desires/expectations and I think for many families there's an adjustment that sometimes comes with feeling let down when adult dc don't do what is hoped for/expected. I think we are bombarded with images of big family gatherings on the holidays and not all families have that even if the media makes it seem like that is the norm.

Try as best you can to do something special with dh on the 25th and treat your family get together as no less than if it was on Christmas Day. Go all out and enjoy your adult dc and their families that day. Rarely does adult dc being made to feel guilty result in changed 'behaviour', it's more likely to result in their distancing themselves and making alternative plans the norm for years to come.

I am sorry to hear last Christmas was hard with cancer treatment. Wishing you a lovely time this year, even if it feels a bit different to what you expected. Flowers

suki1964 · 19/12/2024 04:18

We rarely see our adult children over Christmas . Sometimes our son is home from Oz and will stay a night, but then heads to his home town to be with friends and our daughter ( my step children ) is still in her home town, has her mother and MIL close by plus her husbands children from a previous

Year ago the stress our daughter was under to try and accommodate everyone was immense so she finally put her foot down and said Im having Christmas in my home with my children and thats that and I dont blame her. We will drive down either Sunday or Monday to see the grandkids and drop their pressies, we will face time at some point Christmas Day

Usually if they are broke after Christmas she will ring and ask to come for NYE, and stay a few nights but now her children are becoming young adults and starting to head out themselves NYE, shes less likely to come

Families and traditions evolve

So Mr S and I have our own tradition of meeting our friends for a drink in the pub before lunch on Christmas Day. Most of our friends are in the same boat, their children have their own families, live miles away and none of them expect to see them for Christmas

Best Christmas days I had were when we lived in London and Mr S had to fly home to have Christmas with his children ( before we were married and they were still young ) I was alone with the dog and it was great. Ate what I wanted when I wanted, watched what I wanted, wallowed in the bath for hours, went for long walks, met with friends, read a book in peace, the only demand on my time was from the dog needing walks

StampOnTheGround · 19/12/2024 04:27

You're not on your own, you have each other, a lot of people are not that lucky - YABU.

HoppingPavlova · 19/12/2024 04:41

I don’t understand, seems no one has left you at Xmas but rather it has been moved? An initial agreement was made that Xmas was at yours, and all were coming. Then your DD learns she has to work Xmas so Xmas gets rearranged to the weekend after. Your DS, on learning Xmas had been rearranged made alternate plans on 25th but is still coming to family Xmas the weekend after. If so, that sounds sensible. Or, do I have any or all of that wrong?

temperance81 · 19/12/2024 04:52

What did your ds say when you said 'i thought you said you would come to us Christmas Day when it was discussed in the summer?'

BettyBardMacDonald · 19/12/2024 04:57

OldTinHat · 18/12/2024 21:06

You have someone to share the day with. All good!!

I spend two out of three Christmases alone.

This. Be grateful you have your husband. Millions of people around the world will spend Christmas entirely alone.