Am I being silly re Christmas dinner/day.

[Hairisbad]

I knew for a number of months that DD is working over Christmas.
Won't be home until 6pm so is going to have her Christmas day
with her family at 7pm. Live 5 miles away.
Back in boxing day.

But have just been told by DS that him and his family are going
to his wife's friends house for Christmas day. No plans to see us.
Lives less than a mile away. Going sales shopping on boxing day.

As a family we are getting together at the weekend after Christmas day.

This means that DH and I are on our own. Yes we can get nice food in
and watch what we want on TV.
It seemed as though they didn't care we were on our own.
We are retired so it will just be a normal day for us.

Am I being Silly to feel left out.

I lived alone for a good time and have gone home to a cold empty flat over the xmas period. I’m an introvert so it wasn’t always awful but I was also skint so no lovely xmas tree and twinkly lights or fancy food and drinks and Netflix wasn’t a thing.

I do get a bit annoyed when people are “alone” together. OP I do get it, it would be nice to see your children, I would want to see mine. But you aren’t alone, there are people who really will be alone all through xmas and find that incredibly hard. You are seeing your kids the weekend after, make that your big xmas, be cheerful and start planning. It’s really not that bad. I assume at some point that my DC won’t be with us so I’m planning to just choose a different day to have a big xmas party.

I think often we look back and remember all the lovely Christmas with children. However for most women it also meant a lot of hard work! One year my son about 7 had a candy floss maker, after cooking turkey and trimmings ,ready to flop.DS and I another hour or two making candy floss. So tired! Put your feet up and look forward to a lovely rest,tv a nice walk ,lots of drinks and chocolates 🍫

Surely there must have been a conversation to clarify/confirm this some time between now and August?

Mine are adults, and have moved out. I love to see them on Christmas Day but I don’t put any pressure or expectation on them. They have busy lives with shift work and in laws.

The only thing I do ask is that we know in advance what their plans are as I’d book a holiday in the canaries if it was just me and DH.
We've never had a Xmas with just us in the whole 37 years we’ve been together!

Those of you saying "but you won't be on your own!" It was obvious what OP meant - that she and her DH (both retired) will be spending the day just the two of them rather than having any of their family round. And surely people can understand why this would matter to OP especially after having cancer treatment (hope all's well now, OP 💐)

OP - could you tell your DS how much you'd love to see him on Xmas Day - even if it's just for coffee and cake before they go to their friends?

What about meeting up with DD and her family for lunch or coffee in town during a break from shopping? Maybe take the grandkids off them for a bit. I'm assuming there are dgc as you said DD would be spending Xmas evening with her family.

You’re not being silly feeling how you feel. However, I would make an effort to accept the situation graciously and make the best of having a nice day with your husband. There’s no benefit to guilt tripping your children, they are adults now and will make their own choices. Just focus on the family day ahead and in you mind you could frame that day as the more special day. Also try to count your blessings as you are not actually alone on Christmas Day & have a lovely family day to look forward to a few days after.

OP and her DH spend every day just the two of them when presumably they can eat and drink and watch what they like. Understandably, they'd like company on Xmas Day.

I get it, OP. DH and I are empty nesters and I work from home. We have lovely evenings and weekends but on Christmas Day I want more company!

And I don't usually use the word "company" but it's right for this thread!

And the conversation with your DS when he told you they were no longer coming on Christmas Day went like what exactly? Did you tell him you thought the agreement was they were coming to you? That you'd already planned the food, etc?

I think communication is an issue here on both sides.

You should have had a follow up discussion weeks ago to make sure DS was coming and to discuss timings etc. And DS should have called you when they decided to go to friends.

Maybe DS thought he was saving you and DH from cooking and hosting.

Has he ever hosted you?

If DS and DIL agreed to come and have now backtracked to go to a friend's, I think that's pretty awful and I'd be asking why.

I can see how there would be doubt if you just chatted about it in August but said nothing since. Sounds like a miscommunication to me.

You don't get to tell another adult where they will have dinner. Not on any day of the year.

Book a last minute holiday and see everyone in the New Year. Personally I would not be bothered at all. My DH maybe a bit but we are both adaptable adults who are happy to travel at the drop of a hat.

Obviously DD is blameless. Poor thing, what a rubbish Christmas working both days. I do feel sorry for her, especially if she has DC (you mention a family).

Sounds like crossed wires with DS. If it hasn't been discussed since August and you're all meeting up at the weekend then I can see how it happened.

You could always ask him to pop in in the morning, or for you to pop to them. They're so close it would surely work logistically. Just ask in a light way, "why don't you pop in for a quick drink on your way to friend's house?", not "I can't believe you aren't spending Christmas Day with us after my cancer treatment, we're all alone, it will be awful, the least you can do is call in and try to cheer us up".

You discussed but did any one actually say yes?

I don't understand what the big deal is about seeing everyone at christmas unless you are devoutly religious and plan on attending church together. Can you not see him any day of the year.
DS and DiL are knackered after a tough year and they are relaxing at home alone and so am I. We'll get together in the new year. I can't see the problem.

We're also in this situation. We'll still see my parents and in-laws, but on different days between boxing day and new year.

I noticed OP that your own term was you "presumed" DS was coming because he didn't say he wasn't... But by that virtue he also never said that he definitely was coming? And it was mentioned in August but then never chatted about again until last week?

It sounds like the last few Christmases have been spent apart for various reasons, so maybe your kids have got used to the new routine of not all gathering together on Christmas day itself.

I think the learning point from this OP is if you want to be sure that everyone's on the same page next year then making sure people have explicitly said they're coming and confirming it again later.

Yep totally this. My partner and I have a one year old and another on the way, and as such Christmas Day will be spent just the three of us with the dog! Leisurely day, no having to get ready at certain times, able to play with little one all day and keep him in his nap routines so he's not grumpy! We've arranged to see both sides of the family on Christmas Eve, last year one side was Christmas Eve and the other was Boxing Day. There are lots of days around Christmas to see family but people should be able to spend the day doing what they'd enjoy

If your DS agreed and has now changed his mind, you are not unreasonable to be upset, particularly as you have recently recovered from cancer. As he lives less than a mile away, I'm not sure why he can't pop to spend some time with you on Christmas Day.

Does your DS normally alternate Christmas with you and his in-laws? If so, is it their turn this year?

We did mention after my treatment, that this year
they will have dinner with us.

Who mentioned? You mentioned? Mentioning isn't the same as asking

I think there is doubt about what was actually said.

First OP says:

We did mention after my treatment, that this year they will have dinner with us.

Then:

Me and DH asked if they would like to come on Christmas day. Ds and wife said ok.

Ah yeah sorry missed that bit.

In that case yeah that's a bit off especially leaving it so late to let you know but they're adults so I'd just be happy he's found someone he wants to spend his Christmases and life with

Yes but I don’t think OP has been very clear with DS on plans. Perhaps understandable as she has been through a lot.

But I agree with you, I’d be happy that he was having a good life.

Did you not discuss since August? That surprises me. Did you never mention it since?

I'm sorry your feeling this way especially after being through treatment. I hope you are fully recovered. It can be really hard trying to get the whole family together once there is children and work commitments to consider. Try and enjoy the day with your husband. You will all be together a few days later.