Not wanting to do childcare for another GC - VERY SAD UPDATE, PLEASE READ THREAD BEFORE RESPONDING (Title edited by MNHQ)

[ReluctantGrandma]

NC for obvious reasons.

i have looked after GD since she was 6 months old. Childcare is very expensive where we live so I always agreed to do one day a week when DIL went back to work. At that stage I worked four days a week so that was my day off, I have since retired due to poor health (I’m 63 now) so when I was asked if I could possibly do an extra day (DIL originally went back 4 days but wanted to go full time) I said yes. I love the relationship I have with GD and she is lots of fun, but she gets dropped off at 6.30am and collected at 6pm and I have found it increasingly tiring. My health is not great and I am knackered by the end of the day.

She starts school next year and I was looking forward to doing some school drop offs/pick ups where I would still spend time with her but not have the long days. DS and DIL always said they were “one and done” for a number of reasons which I completely got (and even if I didn’t it was their choice and none of my business). They have just announced that they are expecting a second child due beginning of July. Wonderful, BUT, they are now talking about which days I can do once DIL goes back to work in January 2026. It doesn’t appear to have occurred to either of them that my doing 2 days a week with the new baby on top of school drop offs/pick ups is anything other than a given, more of a “do you still want to do Monday and Wednesday or would you prefer Monday and Friday”. I usually have no issue in standing my ground and saying no to things I don’t want to do but I know that they are screwed if they have to pay for full time child care so would feel like the work’s worst grandma if I say no. DH still works FT but tries to come home early to help when he can. How on earth can we say no? Ironically I spent my working life as a therapist encouraging open communication in families but now it has come to my own I don’t feel able to put any of my strategies into practice.

Throw them! Tough shit, they got pregnant and decided to inform another person they'd be responsible for looking after it. They don't seem that concerned with other people's sensitive feelings.

I would be clear at the start ,You are happy to carry on babysitting your elder GC. However the baby will be too much for you. Dont apologise or get drawn in to long explanations .Childcare is hard work!

If you can’t afford childcare don’t have children. It’s as simple as that. I know a couple who have never paid for childcare while overpaying their mortgage, the grandparents have basically paid for their house. It’s just greed and entitlement.

I am a similar age but work full time (I also have grandchildren). I was always clear that I didn't even look after my own _- we paid 50% of each of our net salaries in 1984 for example for a full time daily nanny for the first child. Luckily our salaries did increase after that but it was very very expensive as the state makes you pay out of net income and then there is the nanny's tax, NI and then employer NI (and these days pension too).

In your case you never agreed to help with no. 2 0 - they might even have ten children and you might even have other children who in due course have children. I have 5 children, 2 are married with children (and have used either full time 5 day a week day nursery 10 hours a day or a daily nanny 5 days a week 8am to 6pm (very very expensive of course but the price you ie fathers and mothers (it is never just a mother's issue) pay to preserve your career) and the other 3 children might be having children goodness knows when so I would never make a commitment that is open ended and you have not. You just agreed to help with no. 1.

Perhaps just suggest practical suggestions eg send them links to good day nurseries and help them work out how they will afford Monday - Friday full time fees. They may be entitled if their income is under the threshold to the 30 free hours in term time that is coming up for babies from age 9 months for example.

What I have found useful is years ago agreeing everything eg I will pay for university fees (which I did do), I will help with a first property (I have done that - equal basis all the children. I do not support you from XYZ date etc. This year my sons who live at home buy their own food etc. They have known this for years so no surprises.

Good luck.

Perfect

Everyone knows the cost of childcare before they have children yet they go ahead and have them anyway knowing their parents will do it because...like they have no choice 🙄

My friend's mum is 81 and can't walk more than a few feet - her mobility is terrible and yet she has my friend's dc about 4 times a week. I couldn't do that to my mum.

Op the earlier you say something, the better - rip the plaster off and say it.

What an amazing thread. First of all may I say you are a most excellent and kind grandparent and mother in law. If you were to be an essential part of their plan, really you should have been consulted (not briefed) on what the new regime would be. In your situation, I would be tempted to agree to school runs (whatever you are comfortable with) and suggest a nursery for the youngest, childcare fees are the reality of children. Lots can’t afford a second child and if this is the case, it certainly isn’t your job to suck up the workload for free. Any expectation of theirs should have been underwritten by the finances to pay for their growing family.

You've been so generous already - but in my experience people who use family to look after children often widen the goalposts as time goes on. It's absolutely ridiculous that they just assume and you absolutely have to mention it now. They are actually taking the piss, to be honest.

Exactly!

OP im so sorry, looking after a young child for 12 hours is a hard slog.

you do have to be firm and say you cannot provide any childcare for this second baby, do not offer top ay for childcare. They need to financially prepare for this child fully.

While its lovely to offer support you no longer have the capacity and your health and wellbeing for your retirement is paramount.

You must be exhausted.

We receive lots of help from grandparents, particularly over holidays, but this has generally been underpinned by other childcare holiday camps. Our DD attended nursery and preschool, the GP’s helped us wrap other childcare arrangements - not provide the lot FOC. Small children are fizzing with energy and whilst grandparents can match that for short periods, it’s not sustainable as a permanent plan. I’d be amazed if they don’t already know they are taking the piss. Be strong OP - lay out what you’re prepared to do, be factual and to the point.

All of this. YANBU. Say no.

"I have since retired due to poor health"

Surely your son and DIL are aware of this? I'm frankly aghast at them seeking to pile more on your shoulders, knowing that.

That's where I'd start the conversation - your health. Tell them what you've told us - that you're already struggling with the two long days, that you were basically clinging on by your fingertips because your granddaughter's impending school attendance was going to take some of that pressure off, it was the light at the end of the tunnel. If they're worth a damn as people, they'll back off and make other arrangements.

Honestly, I don't care how excited they are - they know your health is sub-par, they really should be capable of a bit of consideration.

Have this conversation ASAP, give them the maximum time to make other arrangements. Although that's more consideration than they've shown you!

Not every afternoon, only 2 times a week which is what she asked to do. She knows if she doesn't want to do it anymore that's absolutely fine and we up nursery hours and older one goes to after school club.

As I said, yes she is helping with childcare but the main focus for us is her spending the time she wants to with her grandchildren

As you've got younger children you definitely need to nip this in the bud now.

Otherwise it will be even more unfair to the younger two if the oldest child got 2 free days of childcare, for 2 DC, saving them thousands.

One is fair enough - you were younger, it was the first GC, there will be a clear gap between the first GC going to school and the younger DC having babies when you aren't doing any childcare, to reset expectations.

But by the time you've finished doing 3 years for GC 2 it's not unlikely the other DC might be coming up to having (or already had) children, in which case it will be really hard and seem really unfair to say "Yes I'm still looking after your brother's DC for another 2 years, two days a week, but I'm not going to even start looking after yours."

If you stop committing to one or two days EVERY week you'll have more energy and flexibility, so can perhaps offer any of the DC a night or weekend of babysitting on an occasional basis, which is more fair to all of them, but still occasional enough to be clearly a favour and not become an expectation.

I'd even mention this as part of my reasoning to DC1 "If DC3 has 2 GC at the same age you had yours I will be [insert age] by the time the last one goes to school, you must realise that's not practical, but also not fair for me to help you out so much and give nothing to your siblings just because you're older and happened to have kids first."

My parents offered extraordinary levels of childcare for one sibling who had 2 children he and his then wife could not afford. Parents then told me and other sibling they would not look after our children at all (neither of us expected them to or had ever asked them). It has caused significant bad feeling because of the way my parents chose to deliver the message - essentially your brother had used up all the childcare credit. The fact they enabled my now exSIL to do a second degree by providing non stop childcare for 3 years still rankles. When i had my kids my family then expected me to to help with school runs etc because i was at home. Piss poor choices by my brother endlessly enabled and rewarded. You need to shut this down now.

It's really not. House prices and rent have risen dramatically so it's not simple, and it's not entitled to ask grandparents to provide childcare.

I'm speaking for others here - we're high earners. However you shouldn't have to be a high earner to have kids.

It's clear OP should say no for medical reasons. However let's not slag loads of people off in the process.

The situation I described in the post you quoted is greed and entitlement and merits criticism.

Point out to them that the nursery education funding for 9 month old + will be increasing to 30 hours for working parents from September 2025 so the cost of care won't be as much as it would for their older child. Also your circumstances have changed with regard to your health.

It absolutely is entitled. You make a decision to have a child whose care you cannot afford KNOWING that your parents will HAVE to look after them. Put it this way, would you have that child if your parents have passed? No you would not because you cannot afford the childcare. It is selfish, it is entitled and it is wrong.

The unspoken part may be that you would be expected to provide childcare for the second child until they start school, so you'd be committing to something until 2030 or so.

As well as school drop offs, pick-ups, sick days, inset days, school holidays for child 1 with baby in tow....and then the same again for baby no2 when he starts school - when does it end? My aunt with a DH with mild dementia is still doing afterschool care for her last grandchild now 9 years old .... she is 86 years old!!!!!

I actually don’t think of them as being cheeky or entitled, they are both very grateful for the support they get

That's good to hear, OP; you know them best, and if this is the case there presumably won't be any problems when they're told

Fingers crossed ...

My mother-in-law (similar situation to you age wise work wise and age of GC) told me don't have any more children I can't look after them. I'm not planning anymore - but I heard what she meant. She can't do childcare after this GC.

That sounds like a good plan to have the honest open conversation now and set expectations.

I really hope they appreciate what you have done for them and don't throw a tantrum and throw out the baby with the water by getting upset that you cannot provide the same level of support for their second child. And as you mentioned you have 2 other children who may also expect you to provide the same level or care which is too much for you especially with your health issues.

Please let us know how it goes and I'm hoping they understand where you're coming from and this doesn't affect your relationship, but if it does remember it's due to the way they choose to react, you are not doing anything wrong. You are already doing a lot more than other grandparents.