Not wanting to do childcare for another GC - VERY SAD UPDATE, PLEASE READ THREAD BEFORE RESPONDING (Title edited by MNHQ)

[ReluctantGrandma]

NC for obvious reasons.

i have looked after GD since she was 6 months old. Childcare is very expensive where we live so I always agreed to do one day a week when DIL went back to work. At that stage I worked four days a week so that was my day off, I have since retired due to poor health (I’m 63 now) so when I was asked if I could possibly do an extra day (DIL originally went back 4 days but wanted to go full time) I said yes. I love the relationship I have with GD and she is lots of fun, but she gets dropped off at 6.30am and collected at 6pm and I have found it increasingly tiring. My health is not great and I am knackered by the end of the day.

She starts school next year and I was looking forward to doing some school drop offs/pick ups where I would still spend time with her but not have the long days. DS and DIL always said they were “one and done” for a number of reasons which I completely got (and even if I didn’t it was their choice and none of my business). They have just announced that they are expecting a second child due beginning of July. Wonderful, BUT, they are now talking about which days I can do once DIL goes back to work in January 2026. It doesn’t appear to have occurred to either of them that my doing 2 days a week with the new baby on top of school drop offs/pick ups is anything other than a given, more of a “do you still want to do Monday and Wednesday or would you prefer Monday and Friday”. I usually have no issue in standing my ground and saying no to things I don’t want to do but I know that they are screwed if they have to pay for full time child care so would feel like the work’s worst grandma if I say no. DH still works FT but tries to come home early to help when he can. How on earth can we say no? Ironically I spent my working life as a therapist encouraging open communication in families but now it has come to my own I don’t feel able to put any of my strategies into practice.

I think you need to say:

I have loved looking after DGC. However, I found it increasingly difficult as my health has deteriorated. I dont feel well enough or able to provide regular childcare for a baby/ 1 year old. Unfortunately, you'll have to arrange childcare when maternity leave ends. I can't regularly commit to childcare, but i am happy to help, health permitting, if you want a night out occasionally.

You are not responsible for their choices or their childcare.

My mum, also in her 60s, minded both of my newphew before they went to school. They are a few years apart. She had one 3 days a week, and then when he went to school, she had the other one 3 days a week. When my kids come along, she just wasn't able to do it. Her health had deteriorated and she didn't feel able to do any regular childcare. She covers hospital appointments and the occasional date night. I see how much that takes it out of her. It takes her days to recover. I dont resent it. I thank her for what she had been able to to.

I think if you get any irritating/ fallout from Dson and Ddil you need to remind them that you have supported them and saved them a fortune. They didn't ask if you would be able to help prior to choosing to have another baby.

I wouldn't be having a conversation after a party night out or 3 days before xmas.

If this is going to throw them somewhat pick your timing of deriving this news a bit after the holidays and party

And of course being a mother yourself... you've already served your time with child raising!

They have been exceptionally lucky to have had you help out with one child, but you are now older and your health has deteriorated. Being blunt, if they want you around in a fit state to have a relationship with DC2, then they're going to have to let you have a rest! A bit of babysitting is fine - and a lot more than many new parents get - so they'll have to be thankful for that. The more notice you can give them of your limitations on the day to day care the better, though.

Yeah I definitely wouldn't have the conversation if they're possibly hungover, tired and irritable!

You are very generous. Nobody should have children and absolutely assume grandparents will provide care.
Being a therapist is a tough job, you are going to a phase now where you need some rest.
The fact that you are struggling with your health seems to have been overlooked and I just don’t understand it.
I see GMs I know trying to deal with some serious health issues and are up at 5 in the morning, then on the go for 12 hours and it’s just not fair unless the carer is in fine health and really enjoys the role.
Just to talk to them.
If for some reason you were really unavailable, they would have to cope and find a solution. They need to do that now.

Yes just be honest. I had children with a big gap my mum is a year older than you and I definitely wouldn't expect the same sort of help with childcare as when she was younger. She helps out but I know she wouldn't want to commit regularly. They've bought a camper van and like to pop off whenever they like and I absolutely respect that.

My mum looked after DC 1 1 day a week
for me. She didn’t look after DC2 - absolutely fine. My responsibility to get childcare for my child. She offered for DC1 but not for DC2, I didn’t ask either time. We all get on well, she gets on equally fine with both kids. I’ve not even thought about it. You can’t count on favours. Just be clear, say you’re not up to it. It’s very reasonable.

Also, no one esp me or the kids thinks my mum is a better or worse gran for the childcare she did or did not provide. She’s just a wonderful gran!

2026 is a long way off.
You are 63 so, even if you wanted to mind the new grandchild, your health and circumstances might not allow it.
You need to speak up early and honestly.
If you would enjoy looking after the new one for one day per week and helping out with school drop pickups then say that clearly.
If you would like to do no childcare that is fair too.

Do you plan to travel and have a flourish of adventures once your husband retires?

Rarely are we the same people we were 5 years ago.
My mum did a full time job over 3 14h shifts a week and 2-3 days child care for the first 2 years then retired and continued to do 2-3 days a week childcare until she was 9-10. At this point she added in caring for both her parents. My daughter came along and my mum was providing full time care for her parents and she didn't have any spare minutes for herself there was no chance of her doing any childcare. She then became unwell and needed caring for herself for 12-18 months. It's taken another 6-9 months for her to get back to something close to normal functioning. She's now doing 1 after school pick up a week and the odd day when she's off sick or during holidays as she was missing her - we used to spend time with her on my day off before she started school. This is absolutely her limit. She would love to provide us with the same help and spend the same amount of time with my daughter as she did my niece but in the 10 years since my niece was this age she's changed so much. It's just not possible and even a few months ago the one evening a week wouldn't have been possible. There's absolutely no way she could have my daughter regularly for a full day and a baby would be completely out of the question.

Be open an honest about what you can manage. For me personally it's easy to adjust to weekly requirements you can plan for those. The real benefit to my mum is the days when I can call her to do some childcare if my daughter is off sick. It usually means I get half a day's work done that day and the other half is easy to make up over the rest of the week so I don't lose a day's pay. Help can come in all shapes and sizes the important things is it being sustainable.

It never ceases to amaze me that people have babies and expect mothers and mothers-in-law to do the childminding!
you need to have the conversation now that you are not prepared to do this for their second baby and they need to make alternative arrangements.
Babysitting on the odd occasion is fine and acceptable but rearing someones offspring is a totally different ball game

We're one and done for a few reasons but child care and support being the massive decider.
My phenomenal mother in law has very kindly provided childcare (we do pay, but nothing like what a nursery would cost more of a holiday fund so she gets a decent break a couple of times a year) and she does 630am to 430pm Monday to Thursday truthfully I couldn't have coped without her.
However she is ageing as we all do and it's clear she couldn't do what she does again.
If we did decide another baby we would be fully aware from the off the situation and I am sorry your son is expecting you to be able to provide care again.
Definitely set the standards early doors so they can research their options. There is more state support for nursery now that there wasn't a couple of years ago.

AmandaHoldensLips · Today 10:35
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And of course being a mother yourself... you've already served your time with child raising”

Indeed. I think many grown up children forget this.

But if a red flag that they've accepted payment from you to cover nursery when you're not available on "your" days. This strikes me that they've made you believe it's your responsibility to cover that time and they don't appreciate what they're getting is a favour as it is.

Wow at 630am starts and 12hr days

You have more than done enough

Retiring due to ill health should be a big clue to them

Looking after a baby is hard work

So you need to work out whether want to do 2 1/2 days and they get a cm /nursery

Tho I doubt many will start /open 630

Or they don't want to do childcare at all

And that's fine

You have brought up your kids. Now your time. Not to do childcare for another 5yrs

They will have to work out childcare costs and pay them

Whether they extend their mortgage term to reduce monthly costs or try and condense hours and work 4 days each so only need and pay for 3 days childcare

They have over a year to discuss and arrange this

Do not feel guilty

12 hour days! No wonder you’re tired Op!
My mother looks after my 1 year old one day a week and will increase to two next year. She adores her and is in good health, but I wouldn’t dare take the piss and leave my toddler for 12 hours days with her.

You just have to be honest Op, if you want just offer to help in ways that take less of your energy and time.
If they are appreciative as you describe, they will understand and will come to a compromise.

You need to be really careful in offering so much childcare to one child as when your other children have kids they may also ask you and resentment will build if you give so much to one and don’t offer the same to another.

You need to speak to them and say it’s to much.

also 6.30-6pm is a bit of a joke.

I'm absolutely flabbergasted that you pay for the extra childcare when you can't have them on your day and yet you provide childcare for free!

I know you say your DS and DIL are not cheeky and entitled but they most definitely are letting you pay their childcare costs when they don't have the decency to pay you for a long, hard 12 hour day.

I actually work in a childcare setting and one of the downsides to all the extra funding coming in for working parents is that some parents don't want to pay for anything.

It actually pains me to see grandparents being taken advantage of with childcare. Ohhh but we cannot afford nursery fees, we have no choice, we have no other option, you have to mind them or we will lose our house, not be able to pay mortgage etc etc. I have seen grandparents literally age before their time, run ragged with small kids every single day and the parents saying..ohhh my mum just LOVES having her grandkids.
How ANYONE thinks it's ok to land your child or worse still multiple children over to their parents every day at cock crow for free childcare is beyond me. How utterly selfish and entitled to guilt your patents into minding YOUR children because YOU decided to have them and could not afford childcare.
Then if they are not able they are expected to help with childcare fees? Are you having a laugh? Where is their retirement time, their rest time, they have already brought you and your siblings up and you want them to do it all over again when they are in their older years? What kind of life is that?

Absolute ARSEHOLES. Shame on you.

I agree. It’s madness you are paying for the days you can’t do if you are on holiday.

If my parents can’t have the kids then they let me know and myself and my husband cover it instead!

They shouldn’t be taking anything from you.

Yes and no. No one must look after their grandkids- for sure it's a choice and not always possible depending on health.

But surely you empathise with the cost of childcare and cost of living now parents often need to rely on grandparents?

Totally disagree that this is a common view on MN. Childcare from grandparents is a luxury, not a right, on here, and anyone who posts expecting grandparents to cover it is swiftly outnumbered.

The cost of living. Yes. But childcare costs have always been high in this country and lots of us managed to put our children through nursery/childcare without all the extra funding that has come in from the government. Guess what? We paid for it ourselves and budgeted properly.

I will allow my DC to stay with me rent free for as long as they wish. But I dont want GC if it means doing daily childcare. Ad hoc yes! I want to travel when I am retired.

I think that is enough of a CoL concession.