Not wanting to do childcare for another GC - VERY SAD UPDATE, PLEASE READ THREAD BEFORE RESPONDING (Title edited by MNHQ)

[ReluctantGrandma]

NC for obvious reasons.

i have looked after GD since she was 6 months old. Childcare is very expensive where we live so I always agreed to do one day a week when DIL went back to work. At that stage I worked four days a week so that was my day off, I have since retired due to poor health (I’m 63 now) so when I was asked if I could possibly do an extra day (DIL originally went back 4 days but wanted to go full time) I said yes. I love the relationship I have with GD and she is lots of fun, but she gets dropped off at 6.30am and collected at 6pm and I have found it increasingly tiring. My health is not great and I am knackered by the end of the day.

She starts school next year and I was looking forward to doing some school drop offs/pick ups where I would still spend time with her but not have the long days. DS and DIL always said they were “one and done” for a number of reasons which I completely got (and even if I didn’t it was their choice and none of my business). They have just announced that they are expecting a second child due beginning of July. Wonderful, BUT, they are now talking about which days I can do once DIL goes back to work in January 2026. It doesn’t appear to have occurred to either of them that my doing 2 days a week with the new baby on top of school drop offs/pick ups is anything other than a given, more of a “do you still want to do Monday and Wednesday or would you prefer Monday and Friday”. I usually have no issue in standing my ground and saying no to things I don’t want to do but I know that they are screwed if they have to pay for full time child care so would feel like the work’s worst grandma if I say no. DH still works FT but tries to come home early to help when he can. How on earth can we say no? Ironically I spent my working life as a therapist encouraging open communication in families but now it has come to my own I don’t feel able to put any of my strategies into practice.

This. The worst part is the blithe assumption that you’ll do it.

You tell them kindly, but with no doubt. 'I am 63 now ,i will be pushing 65 by the time you go back to work. I have health issues and I really can't do it. I would rather not promise you something that I know is not going to be possible.'
I'm a bit older than you and I really couldn't cope with it.

Tell them you retired because of poor health and looking after a child is more exhausting than work. It's their problem not yours. If they thought they needed you to provide childcare they should have spoken to you before they got pregnant. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about sounding bad if I was you because they sound very entitled and selfish. I would draw a very hard line now that I wouldn't be childcare, except on the occasional one off occurrence.

I think you sound really supportive OP and your son and DIL are taking advantage of that whether they intend to or not. It's clear you're being taken for granted given they've assumed you'll just continue to provide free care despite your illness which is very cheeky and self absorbed.

My parents (both retired) look after my 3 yr old 3 days a week. They insist they want to but I have been and continue to regularly check in with them making clear that they can end the arrangement at any time. Also that they can go away and not feel bad about it. I would met dream of allowing them to pay for childcare for "their" days if they're away given how much they do for us.

I'm also pregnant with my second and have already made clear I am NOT expecting help and am making other arrangements as I can see that by the time I go back to work it will likely be too much.

Their finances are unfortunate, but that really isn't your problem. As others have said you've been more than generous to date. I wouldn't recommend paying for childcare on their behalf. If you feel you must then don't do it unless you're able and willing to do it for all of your kids further down the line.

I think sometimes parents don't appreciate how tiring childcare can be especially when you are experiencing ill health.
You need to sit down and tell them what you can manage. Remind them you've had to retire due to your health .Being a GP is wonderful and I enjoy having my gc but I'm absolutely knackered afterwards .There is a reason we have children at a younger age .Don't feel bad about it, you've done well by them all

Could the little girls sleep over at yours so that you both have a late start instead of a 630 start? That's awfully early for both of you.

Childcare is much harder work than an office job so if you retired due to ill health are they not concerned about the impact of such long hours of childcare on your health? What happens if you become too ill to cope? Far better to have that conversation now so they can find a nursery place rather than it being unplanned and only once you've become ill.

The worst part is the blithe assumption that you’ll do it.

This

I'm a similar age to you and couldn't do 12 hour days with a baby long-term. It would be exhausting. 12 hour baby days and school pick ups and I'd be on my knees. If you really feel you want to do some childcare I would suggest you do two mornings. Then take baby to nursery pick up older GC from school, pick up baby and go home. However the flaw in that plan is the early mornings. Why do they drop your grandchild off so early in the morning?. Most childcare doesn't open until 7.30 am so why on your days is it so early? You sound lovely and if you added it up you have saved them thousands in childcare fees but really they should be able to manage their own children and the associated costs. Millions of people do.

As what would be the DIL in this situation I absolutely would not take offence or think you unreasonable were you to explain that the long days are too much for you to manage and to say you still want to help and be involved but could you swap two full days to two half days (or one day whichever you think is better for you). They must understand - two 12 hour days plus drop offs and pick ups is a huge amount to ask someone regardless of their age and health!

Wow @ReluctantGrandma you cover childcare cost on the days you are away/unavailable? that is crazy!

you are going to have to sit them down and gently explain that once GC1 has gone to school you will be stepping back a bit, maybe collect from school only, they can get her to school in the morning or get a childminder to do so. Otherwise it might be a better thing to suggest that you stop being childcare and be more GM, so have them as and when, and as a back up to childminder/nursery.

Explain how your health isn't as good as it was and that in a years time, it wont be any better, so you are telling them now so that they have time to plan/save and arrange the childcare

I wouldn't offer to cover childcare costs, it's not your responsibility and you've already saved them a fortune. It also creates huge issues in my opinion when children aren't treated fairly so I'd avoid that 'you paid for X's childcare' can of worms. Take care of yourself, your health and your finances. This is not your problem. They will find a solution.

You need to tell them now so they can plan accordingly. I’m younger than you. A day with our 4 year old grandchild is lovely but exhausting. No chance of me looking after a 6 month old.

You aren’t responsible for their personal choices. If they’re reasonable people, they’ll understand “no, I’m not capable of that now”.

@ReluctantGrandma My own lovely MIL used to get exhausted at age 55 looking after DS just for a couple of hours when he was small- I couldn't understand {Because I was in my Twenties then!} but now I'm older than she was now, I completely get it.

Having young children and supervising them properly and keeping them entertained IS tiring.

Your son and DIL are being incredibly unfair to foist this upon you - I have seen grandmothers in the park really struggling with their grandchildren- picking them up, physically, strapping them in their buggy, it's surprising how heavy kids are when one is past 55!

Say no - for the sake of your health, both physical and mental.

They have completely taken it for granted that you will provide them with childcare. Free childcare?

And you're the one who feels bad saying you need to step back? By the time number 2 is ready for school you will be nearly 70 (same age as me btw).

I would say you will carry on with GD now she is it school, but they will have to make other arrangements for new baby, apart from the odd day you might feel you can take on.

Yes. Circumstances have changed due to your health, OP. You have to take care of yourself too.

Thanks to everyone who replied. I think one of the reasons we have been so happy to help was because we had three kids in a different country to both our families and we know how tough it was so we wanted to make things easier for our son and DIL (who is an amazing mum) if we could. We have GD overnight on Saturday as DS and DIL are going to DS’ work Christmas party so Sunday lunch might be a good time for a conversation.

I think ANYONE who expects their parents to do free full time childcare is an absolute arsehole. Don't even get me started on grandparents who have to pay nursery fees....complete entitled and CF behaviour.

Those 12 hour days were far too long my mum did similar for one of my siblings each week when imho she should have been enjoying her retirement. It was going to be one GD also then another arrived and now she covers a pet one day a week! So it never ends.

Decide what is best for you. If it was me I’d say if GD goes to a breakfast club I can cover GD two afternoons a week after school. IF you think you can cover the baby at the same time you could but means you don’t get proper quality time with the eldest. So I’d cover two afternoons with GD after school for tea and once baby is 6months old have them for a morning once a fortnight so you can take them to the park etc. That way it’s never too much and only one child at a time for 3-4 hours and you could occasionally have both for a day out in the holidays.

Wow @ReluctantGrandma does your DIL or Ds ever have DGC on their own for a long day like you have? That’s a lot. Or does DIL’s Mum do similar?

Honestly, please decide what you feel you WANT to do (not what you could or feel you should do), if anything. It might even be ‘occasional only’. Please don’t be emotionally blackmailed into it.

Best wishes.

Im sorry but you say if you dont help them out with childcare they will be stuffed. Well I think the should just stick to the one if they cant afford to put new baby in nursery. They have a bloody cheek even though your not well and they still thought you could do child care. You have to put your foot down and they will have to do what most other parents do I cant believe the cheek of them.

I'm in my thirties and the thought of regularly looking after someone else's young child for 12 hours starting at 6:30am is exhausting. I can't imagine expecting somebody else to do that for mine.

Good luck with the conversation OP, you sound like a dream parent/grandparent

Can’t believe they let you pay for childcare while you were on holiday . That has to stop . I’m a grandmother and still working full-time, but I have my four-year-old granddaughter for sleepovers every now and again and it’s bloody exhausting as much as I love her. I would not like to be tied to a routine doing childcare. The fact they just assumed you would be doing it is way out of line . If you don’t tell them and take on the role you will resent them . You have had health issues . Tell them the truth that it’s too much for you . Hopefully they will understand your decision. But certainly they should respect it .

What you're doing is a job, OP. Maybe it doesn't feel like it, or seems strange to view it that way, but if you were being paid to care for a stranger's child 2 days a week, it would be a part time job. You've had to retire from your actual job due to poor health, so it's not unreasonable to explain to your children that, much as you love your grandchild and will love the new addition, you're just not well enough to continue providing regular childcare. You'd like to see them and build a relationship, maybe through occassional teas/playdates after school etc., but you just can't provide regular childcare. The sooner you have this conversation, the better, as your children need to plan for finding and funding paid childcare. Don't feel guilty that you can't continue to provide the same level of support.

I would elso echo other posters that when you're in your 20s/30s, it's hard to understand that things become more tiring/more of a struggle as one gets older, particularly if you thrown in ill health.

@ReluctantGrandma Please listen to this sage advice above.

If you pay for childcare for these two children, it will definitely be noticed by your other adult children- and things like this can so easily build resentments within families.

It was indeed probably an ''accident'' {Possibly intentional on the DIL's part} - if she genuinely didn't want a second child, she'd have gone for a morning after pill , or used effective contraception.

It's their child and their responsibility to pay for the children they choose to have.