DH has brought a kitten home, I’m so upset 🙁

[Queenofheart]

All my life, I’ve never been a fan of cats.

Ever since we’ve been together, my DH has mithered for Cats, finally wore me down and a few months later we had two tiny kittens. They are indoor cats.

We’ve had them two years and I love them. The female follows me around everywhere, the minute I sit down or go to bed, she snuggles up to me, she’s never far from me. The male is very much like that with my SS. All good.

My DH has been mithering about getting another one, he’s on all these bloody Facebook websites and constantly showing me pictures and I am constantly saying no no no, so is my SS … I don’t want my two to be or feel pushed out.

Well, last night I got home and he’s brought a new kitten home. I’m absolutely devastated. Don’t get me wrong she’s absolutely beautiful, but my poor two cats have not been near me. They seem scared, run away, even though she is tiny, they are hissing. I picked up the female to cuddle her and she growled at my DH when he tried to stroke her , never in two years have I heard her do that? I’m absolutely gutted.

I’ve been really upset this morning and told my DH that it’s unacceptable what he’s done. He’s ruined the run-up to Christmas for me because I’m now upset for my two cats, who are hiding away, dramatic I know , but I’m really really pissed off with him. I now have to go to work and leave the three of them together in the house 😒

Has anybody been through this? Does it get better? 🙁

We live just off a main road so felt it was safer.

What we do in the nice weather is put our two on leads in the garden and they roam around all over, so they get out that way, but not allowed to just roam.

Leaving a kitten alone in a big house with two other cats that it doesn't know is a bad idea yes.

I'd set the kitten up in one room with a bed, litter tray and food and gradually let her explore the rest of the house when you're around to supervise.

Otherwise I think keep the cats but lose the husband.

Are the two older one's neutered? If not you could have a whole lot more kittens soon....

YANBU, it is so disrespectful and selfish to add a pet to the family without agreement from one’s partner. And it’s so unfair on the cats. Cats generally don’t like company unless they’re a bonded pair, so the new cat will be causing stress and upset to your older cats, and they may well bully the kitten in turn. It’s also a total pain for resources because you need multiple litter trays and feeding stations etc.

I would honestly be insisting the kitten be returned to the shelter it came from, for the sake of all three cats, and your husband should be told in clear terms exactly how much of a selfish and irresponsible prick he is.

Few issues here, so I'll start with the most proactive.

New kitten needs to be its own room, with food, litter tray and toys. Everyone in the household should be spending time with new kitten, then approaching existing cats, stroking them and swapping scents. After a few days, swap bedding too. At this stage, the cats should not see each other. If scent swapping doesn't stress existing cats, then do visuals through glass (if possible) Finally, let the cats spend small amounts of time with each other, increasing if things go well. Get a Feliway Friends diffuser to reduce stress for all cats. 3 cats means 4 litter trays - one per cat plus one extra.
All the above will assist in a long term harmonious feline household, and your cats will continue to be loving and affectionate. At present their sensory world is in disarray, hence avoiding everyone.
(I have had cats my whole life and have worked with cat charities)

In terms of the human relationship my opinion is no one, and I mean no one, should be introducing pets without consent from all adult members of the family. They are a lifetime of responsibility, including financial. It is irresponsible and disrespectful to do so. It appears from other posts that your DH isn't someone who would consider these responsibilities/feelings. I am not at all surprised that you're angry and upset.

Kittens grow up and become 'uncute' very quickly. It takes time and effort to get a harmonious feline household. Is there enough space and resources for all three cats?

It's really sad to rehome a cat around 6 months+ They have lost their kitten appeal and most spend ages in rescue waiting for a home. If your kitten is black or black/white you can triple that rehoming time.

I am so upset and angry on your behalf OP. It's an impossible position to put you in, totally unfair, and whatever you do, I am guessing you'll feel bad about it through no fault of your own

Hugs x

I’m not going to comment on his behaviour. Regarding the kitten you need to do introductions very slowly and use scent swapping like previous posters advise. We are 6 weeks into this with our kitten and established cat and our patience is finally paying off. It took a lot of work keeping them separate and making sure everyone was happy. Now they can both be in the house together with the occasional growl when the kitten steps out of line. It really does take work though and I’d never leave them alone and go to work. Kitten needs to be shut away if this is the case

Not ideal at all and if it’s going to work you rally need to introduce them properly otherwise your girls could get stress induced urinary problems, over grooming etc.
International Cat Care is a great source of up to date resources including introductions

WTF ... what is that comment about ... why should I not have indoor cats?!!!

Oh this has reminded me of when we had two cats - brothers and together in a cage from birth. They always slept touching, it was so sweet. When we left them in the cattery whilst on holiday I advised them sharing a cage. Two weeks later when I picked them up they were in different cages. Apparently they had been fighting. The scent and noises had been the trigger.

They got over it once home. It was interesting to see how sensory and sensitive cats are.

I agree that DH was out of order by bringing home a kitten. You may have grown to love your two - but three cats is a lot to manage.

I'm not prepared to put in all this work when it wasn't my choice and he won't either i know that

Then I must be v unreasonable since mine are all indoor cats. Your attitude is so out dated now.

and big house means you can go off from your husband too

It doesn't always get better as some posters have said. I've known cats hate each other for ever even with the slowest introductions.
My friend introduced a kitten and had to carry it to the food bowl/ water bowl/ litter trays/ outside until the older one died 3 years later. He wouldn't let the little one near anything ever.

Indoor cats are particularly stressy and prone to being anxious as they have such confined small lives.

I'd be trying to rehove the kitten whilst it's small enough to get a decent place. Might have to wait until after Xmas though to stop anyone buying it as a present.

Tell that to the Americans on here. In the US it's considered unreasonable in a lot of places not to have indoor cats.

It will only be like she stayed in a cattery for a week. Lots of people do that.

Ah your poor cats. We have turned down offers of kittens in the past because we didn't want to upset an existing cat. You could have months of behavioural issues with all three of them, it may never get better.
Forget giving it a week, I'd send her back now. It's crap for her but you have an obligation to your existing cats.

Ours chooses to be an indoor cat. She's only ever gone out when I've made her. If they have a big enough house some cats are happy not to ever explore outside.

Wow, that is arsehole behaviour to unilaterally make a major household decision when you told him clearly that you didn’t want him to. Does he have form for this or is it one-off stupidity?

This.

if he’s found the poor thing in the middle of the road or alone in a forest that’s one thing.

if he’s deliberately gone out and acquired a kitten, even worse if he’s paid a breeder for it at this time of year, then he’d be rehomed with the poor kitten.

Thanks so much everyone for your, mostly, helpful comments.

I have copied quite a few of your lines and put them into a note I am going to send him now, telling him he needs to return her.

I can't get past the fact he thought it was ok to do this either ... he left the house yesterday morning with the cat box and picked her up on the way home, all planned, so not sure where I go from here ... I hate him right now.

In my opinion the kindest thing for all three cats would be to take kitten back/rehome asap. They will all be stressed and unhappy, and even after this will take time to settle.

The bigger issue imo is the fact your DP took this unilateral decision against your express wishes, and also not in the best interests of the cats/kitten. You are being forced to accept it by default. Controlling and coercive. You might want to think about that, and whether it’s a one off or part of a pattern.

It’s increasingly considered unreasonable anywhere.
I work in rescue… I pick far too many squished cats up off the roads.
There are plenty of ways cats can happily live indoors. Catios, cat proofed gardens, enrichments, cat walls, high beds.. it’s not difficult ( or that expensive if you put the work in yourself- my garden is fully cat proofed- cost me £50)

I understand your upset.
I'm not a fan of animals in the house.
Would hate a "surprise" like this and since I don't have any kids and have my own assets (extreme reaction), I would be considering the marriage.
My husband, however, would not do anything of this sort.
Can you re-home the animal?

OP might live near a busy road? No need to judge.

buying a kitten without you agreeing is selfish and irresponsible. when you have two settled cats and you introduce another its like throwing a hand grenade in the mix. yes they may settle but sometimes they don't ever get on. personally and you are probably not asking for my opinion but your bf sounds a right selfish twat

We got a kitten last year after all already having an older cat. If I could go back in time I wouldn't have gotten the kitten, they just about tolerate each other at times but it's ruined the dynamic. That's after a family discussion, and researching how to introduce them, getting separate litter trays etc ...Has he sorted out insurance, vaccinations and taken time off to settle it in or just dumped it in the house and gone about his day?