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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH has brought a kitten home, I’m so upset 🙁

270 replies

Queenofheart · 18/12/2024 07:36

All my life, I’ve never been a fan of cats.

Ever since we’ve been together, my DH has mithered for Cats, finally wore me down and a few months later we had two tiny kittens. They are indoor cats.

We’ve had them two years and I love them. The female follows me around everywhere, the minute I sit down or go to bed, she snuggles up to me, she’s never far from me. The male is very much like that with my SS. All good.

My DH has been mithering about getting another one, he’s on all these bloody Facebook websites and constantly showing me pictures and I am constantly saying no no no, so is my SS … I don’t want my two to be or feel pushed out.

Well, last night I got home and he’s brought a new kitten home. I’m absolutely devastated. Don’t get me wrong she’s absolutely beautiful, but my poor two cats have not been near me. They seem scared, run away, even though she is tiny, they are hissing. I picked up the female to cuddle her and she growled at my DH when he tried to stroke her , never in two years have I heard her do that? I’m absolutely gutted.

I’ve been really upset this morning and told my DH that it’s unacceptable what he’s done. He’s ruined the run-up to Christmas for me because I’m now upset for my two cats, who are hiding away, dramatic I know , but I’m really really pissed off with him. I now have to go to work and leave the three of them together in the house 😒

Has anybody been through this? Does it get better? 🙁

OP posts:
MyGladBiscuit · 18/12/2024 08:47

Queenofheart · 18/12/2024 08:45

all adult and only one at home full time

Show quote history

But no doubt acutely aware that parents not happy

OP christmas was never going to be “lovely” for as long as married to someone like this

Original poster
Queenofheart · 18/12/2024 08:47

Gettingbysomehow · 18/12/2024 07:44

For God's sake, I love cats but I'd be livid if a partner kept bringing new ones home. Three cats is a lot harder than two and IMO too many for an indoor cat area.
They will get used to each other, they always work it out in the end especially kittens but that's not the point. The point is he didn't bother to ask you.
How would he feel if you kept filling the house with random dogs or children?

Agree. and I am livid and very upset.

Luckily we have a big house, so they can roam around and not even see each other if they don't want, though that's not the point is it.

OP posts:
Lyraloo · 18/12/2024 08:48

Adult cats typically don’t like kittens. It’s something about the smell etc of them. But in my experience they do get better and often become firm friends with time.
make sure your adult cats have a space they can get away from the kitten too and wash your hands after stroking the kitten before approaching the adult cats. Making sure kitten has its own litter tray and food bowls, slightly away from the other cats will help as well.

Potentialmadcatlady · 18/12/2024 08:48

UndeniablyGenX · 18/12/2024 07:57

He needs to do proper introductions. You can't just throw a new cat into the mix and expect them all to be pals. There's plenty of advice online but essentially new kitten should be confined to her own room to start with, and use scent swapping to get them all used to one another's smells. Then very gradual, supervised face-to-face time, building this up slowly day by day.

This!
scent swopping, time, time and more time…
He was wrong but also you can’t just chuck them all in together and hope for the best… idiot man

butterpuffed · 18/12/2024 08:48

Although he was in the wrong , they will all get used to each other .

QuantumPanic · 18/12/2024 08:48

In terms of the cats adapting, I think it's just the luck of the draw.

My cousin has three cats, all acquired with around a 2 year gap - they get on fine, zero problems.

My mum had a normal, confident cat, then bought another kitten. It's been about five years and the first cat still hasn't recovered. It's very nervous, hardly eats. ☹️

rubberduck68 · 18/12/2024 08:48

This has nothing to do with "cats", and everything to do with a disrespectful spouse. It is not okay. The bedrock of any relationship is open communication and trust: he has trashed your boundaries on both. What else will he do that you don't agree to if you let this one ride?

Original poster
Queenofheart · 18/12/2024 08:49

Clearinguptheclutter · 18/12/2024 07:48

I’d be fuming

any chance of rehoming the kitten?

After my chat with him this morning, in which I told him in no uncertain terms it was unacceptable what he'd done, he said give it a week and if it doesn't work our I'll take her back. I feel that's awful though, she will have settled then we dump her back ... not sure I could do that to her.

OP posts:
InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 18/12/2024 08:49

You have to introduce a new cat to the household properly, you can’t rush it. It’s a lot of work for a few weeks. Jackson Galaxy has some good videos on YouTube about this. He’s been really irresponsible. He should return the kitten if he isn’t going to put the work in. It’s a financial commitment too, it’s shocking that he did this without your agreement. Crossing boundaries.

whyhere · 18/12/2024 08:50

Queenofheart · 18/12/2024 08:49

After my chat with him this morning, in which I told him in no uncertain terms it was unacceptable what he'd done, he said give it a week and if it doesn't work our I'll take her back. I feel that's awful though, she will have settled then we dump her back ... not sure I could do that to her.

Show quote history

And that's what he's relying upon. Utter disrespect.

Clearinguptheclutter · 18/12/2024 08:50

Queenofheart · 18/12/2024 08:49

After my chat with him this morning, in which I told him in no uncertain terms it was unacceptable what he'd done, he said give it a week and if it doesn't work our I'll take her back. I feel that's awful though, she will have settled then we dump her back ... not sure I could do that to her.

Show quote history

That’s awful. Within a week you will fall in love with the cat and won’t be able to part with it. He knows this!!!!

Original poster
Queenofheart · 18/12/2024 08:50

Shezlong · 18/12/2024 07:54

I'm a massive cat lover but it's totally unacceptable for one person to unilaterally decide on a new pet and foist it on the rest of the house without agreement. Added to that, if you are introducing a new cat to established ones, it needs to be done slowly and carefully - the new cat should be confined to one room away from the others and you do a process of scent-swapping which can take days or weeks to give the best chance of a successful introduction. So he's unreasonable for that as well!

yes

oh god, I've left all the doors in the house open for them to roam :(
I should have locked her in one room shouldn't i, eek

OP posts:
toenails · 18/12/2024 08:50

That's not ok.

SanFranBear · 18/12/2024 08:51

Agree with most on this thread... bad idea!

We rehomed my boys litter mate, one month after he left the nest to join us - both kittens, both incredibly bonded when he left their house and both sweet natured. It was horrific and I would never do it again - my poor boy was so upset and his sister was terrified!

To do this to a properly established cat household (especially as they're indoor cats) is madness. Kitten needs to go elsewhere which should be easy enough to do although timing is dreadful!

Clearinguptheclutter · 18/12/2024 08:51

How can you be sure there won’t be a fourth cat when he feels like it? So disrespectful. I really want a dog but my dh doesn’t. So we don’t have one. It’s how it goes.

rubberduck68 · 18/12/2024 08:51

Queenofheart · 18/12/2024 08:49

After my chat with him this morning, in which I told him in no uncertain terms it was unacceptable what he'd done, he said give it a week and if it doesn't work our I'll take her back. I feel that's awful though, she will have settled then we dump her back ... not sure I could do that to her.

Show quote history

He is being manipulative. Tell him that you see that for what it is; that he is counting on you having bonded with the cat by then, but that you won't have. Also a week away is Christmas: who on earth will be returning a pet on Christmas Day?

Original poster
Queenofheart · 18/12/2024 08:52

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 18/12/2024 08:05

It is particularly difficult to introduce a new cat into a household with established indoor cats. Indoor cats cannot take themselves outside when the new kitten makes them anxious (and indoor cats are more prone to anxiety because their world is small). It is perfectly possible that bringing a new kitten home could cause an established pair to fall out with each other (even if they are siblings who have always got along). I'm sorry to cause you more worry but he really ought to take the kitten back. If he absolutely won't, the introduction process needs to be very gradual (like literally days/weeks).
Also, if he won't then you have a serious DH problem. He is so entitled he thinks his feelings are more important then everyone else's. He has no respect for you and he is also a bit thick. This was clearly a complicated process which needed thought and planning and agreement/commitment from everyone and he has just done it on a whim.
I would tell you to insist that he manage the high maintenance process of introducing indoor cats to a newcomer but let's face it, he is clearly too thoughtless and irresponsible and would probably bung them in a room together to fight it out.

Totally agree with a lot of what you're saying here.

Apart from the issue with the cats I have DH issue and at this moment in time am struggling to get past that.

OP posts:
toenails · 18/12/2024 08:52

toenails · 18/12/2024 08:50

That's not ok.

Sorry - I was replying to your earlier post about 'give it a week'

Potentialmadcatlady · 18/12/2024 08:53

Queenofheart · 18/12/2024 08:50

yes

oh god, I've left all the doors in the house open for them to roam :(
I should have locked her in one room shouldn't i, eek

Show quote history

Yep you should. Better still he should- ring him and tell him to get his ass home from work. His mess he can sort it. Really not a good idea at all leaving them all out together at home hours after bringing a new one home.

Clearinguptheclutter · 18/12/2024 08:53

You’re right you have a dh issue not a cat issue

Original poster
Queenofheart · 18/12/2024 08:55

FactoryFriday · 18/12/2024 08:26

I think you need to think strategically and take action quickly.
After Christmas the rescue centres quickly fill up with abandoned DHs, any chance you can get him out this week. Give him a head start to find his forever family.

Rehome the bastard?

Love this ... last night and this morning I could quite happily have told him to F OFF ... I am sitting at work fuming when I should be winding down and feeling happy

OP posts:
followmyflow · 18/12/2024 08:56

i absolutely love cats but it's really not a good idea to suddenly bring one home when not everyone is in agreement about it, your husband has been a bit of an idiot. adult cats do get stressed and almost invariably will not like it when a new kitten is introduced. it should be done slowly and with care, there should be barriers between them first and their scents should be allowed to mix, they should have mealtimes together (but separated by a barrier) so that they can understand that the new kitten is not a threat.

Motherlandatemyhomework · 18/12/2024 08:57

Yabu for having indoor cats only !

SanFranBear · 18/12/2024 08:59

Is there anyone at home with them? He can't just bring a kitten home and then fuck off the very next day - that poor baby, its so young and can get itself into trouble very easily at that age from curiosity alone.. let alone with two, fully grown, pissed off cats in the mix.

He needs to get home and look after them!

EveryKneeShallBow · 18/12/2024 08:59

MammmaG · 18/12/2024 08:27

Just get him to take it back! Don’t be bullied into accepting his actions. Or else where does this stop?

This. Pick up the kitten and take it either back where it came from or to a shelter. He thinks he’s got one over because it’s a fait accompli. But we can all act unilaterally. Stupid arrogant man.