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My partner was "bullying" his 17 year old coworkers boyfriend "for fun" it's freaked me out beyond belief

215 replies

cdls · 18/12/2024 02:48

He said everyone and their co workers brought their partner to the night out. I never went because I was busy.

His 17 year old co worker brought her boyfriend and he said aw she complains about him all the time and I see why he does such weird things and kept going on. So he said he decided to "bully him for fun". He was saying things like aw you" fat ugly c**ny" to her boyfriend, "your the ugliest guy I've seen" and saying aw your girlfriends definitely getting railed by so many men right now, to "make him insecure". He said he got a lift home from his friend and got his friend to join in. Her boyfriend said aw can I jump in the lift. They said no you can't drove away but came back for him. Then him, his friend and other guys from the night out joined him calling him ugly, fat etc.

I'm freaked out so much. He told me this story so easily like it wasn't incredibly weird and I was weird for not laughing.

He is 28 and so I am. This girl is 17 and her boyfriend is 18. Why on earth would he do that?

He's never given me weird vibes like that but honestly that's unbelievably off and I haven't been able to even look at him.

How did his friends join in?? Is this just "lads humour"??? Is this normal for guy?? To me it's incredibly weird

OP posts:
Donttellempike · 18/12/2024 10:12

cdls · 18/12/2024 02:48

He said everyone and their co workers brought their partner to the night out. I never went because I was busy.

His 17 year old co worker brought her boyfriend and he said aw she complains about him all the time and I see why he does such weird things and kept going on. So he said he decided to "bully him for fun". He was saying things like aw you" fat ugly c**ny" to her boyfriend, "your the ugliest guy I've seen" and saying aw your girlfriends definitely getting railed by so many men right now, to "make him insecure". He said he got a lift home from his friend and got his friend to join in. Her boyfriend said aw can I jump in the lift. They said no you can't drove away but came back for him. Then him, his friend and other guys from the night out joined him calling him ugly, fat etc.

I'm freaked out so much. He told me this story so easily like it wasn't incredibly weird and I was weird for not laughing.

He is 28 and so I am. This girl is 17 and her boyfriend is 18. Why on earth would he do that?

He's never given me weird vibes like that but honestly that's unbelievably off and I haven't been able to even look at him.

How did his friends join in?? Is this just "lads humour"??? Is this normal for guy?? To me it's incredibly weird

How can you even look at him? Absolutely disgusting

TiggyTomCat · 18/12/2024 10:15

That really was nasty. The only time a coworker said that to me about my boyfriend at the time it was because he fancied me. I'd be very wary.

Neolara · 18/12/2024 10:16

That is deeply unpleasant behaviour. I couldn't imagine being with someone who thought it was ok to behave like this under any circumstances. Just awful.

TheCatterall · 18/12/2024 10:17

@cdls he was so comfortable telling you this and retelling the tale because even after - he thinks it’s acceptable and amusing behaviour.

that to me shouts that this is common behaviour for him. It’s not the first time he’s treated others like this.

I feel so sorry for the young girl and her boyfriend. I have a young child with MH issues and low self esteem. I’d be so concerned an evening of that would tip him over the edge or lead to a lasting complex or insecurity. Me personally if i experienced that bullying I’d be feeling so low and questioning my worth etc.

Good luck working through this as it would be making me question so much.

Flatbellyfella · 18/12/2024 10:21

What an Asshole your immature partner is, showing his true colours, he needs to write an apology to this young lad & apologise to his face for this act of disgusting behaviour. It’s obvious he has his sights on the young girl.
Only you can decide if you want to go through life attached to this revolting excuse for a grown man.

5128gap · 18/12/2024 10:23

I'd dump my partner so fast over this his feet wouldn't touch the floor. A man who thinks it's clever and funny to bully a teenaged boy in an environment where the boy has little to no power is despicable. Why did he do it? To impress his teenaged coworker, that's why. He fancies her and is trying to play the alpha to impress her. He's immature, creepy and the epitome of toxic masculinity.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 18/12/2024 10:40

GallyGaff · 18/12/2024 03:42

He's given you a very valuable insight into the real person he is.
This is a warning sign - don't ignore.

Yup.

Jamlighter · 18/12/2024 11:29

My 18 year old would be devastated if someone said those things to him. They are so self conscious at that age. Get rid of this man he is horrible

whathaveiforgotten · 18/12/2024 11:49

ExceededUsefulEconomicLife · 18/12/2024 06:23

It all sounds a bit "lads, lads, lads" on some tradie work do. Either they are all protective of this young girl and have taken this too far or there's something weird going on.

It doesn't sound very nice so I'd be having a chat with him. Was he drinking? And taking drugs? It all sounds like a poster for toxic masculinity.

Protective? By joking about how she's getting 'railed' by loads of guys?

I think you're being incredibly generous suggesting that's even a remote possibility.

SkunderlaiSkendi · 18/12/2024 12:10

I'm getting weird vibes too. If he is not already cheating, he will be soon and hes a spiteful arsehole.

I get weird vibes from her behaviour before this night too

1 - Why is 17 year old complaining about HER boyf to your partner? Why does she feel comfortable doing this? DOes she want your partner to think shes unhappy in her relationship and what are her reasoning for this - what are her motives? I think the motives are clear here - shes put herself in the shop window.

2 - Your partner fancies her. No bs here, theres a reason why he is trying to belittle the boyfriend in front of her to let her know her boyfriend is weak, and that he is the Alpha, and to let the boyf know that he can do what he wants to tthe boyf, and boyf cant do anything = pretty much telling him i can take your woman

Run, dont walk.

pointswinprizes · 18/12/2024 12:15

Well I wouldn’t want a partner who enjoys bullying people myself….

And agree he was probably showing off to impress the 17 year old girl. Then he goes and tells his girlfriend, of all people, all about it 😐

Gemmawemma9 · 18/12/2024 13:09

SkunderlaiSkendi · 18/12/2024 12:10

I'm getting weird vibes too. If he is not already cheating, he will be soon and hes a spiteful arsehole.

I get weird vibes from her behaviour before this night too

1 - Why is 17 year old complaining about HER boyf to your partner? Why does she feel comfortable doing this? DOes she want your partner to think shes unhappy in her relationship and what are her reasoning for this - what are her motives? I think the motives are clear here - shes put herself in the shop window.

2 - Your partner fancies her. No bs here, theres a reason why he is trying to belittle the boyfriend in front of her to let her know her boyfriend is weak, and that he is the Alpha, and to let the boyf know that he can do what he wants to tthe boyf, and boyf cant do anything = pretty much telling him i can take your woman

Run, dont walk.

Edited

She’s a child. There’s a power imbalance between a 17 year old girl and a grown adult man-don’t try and blame her for the ops boyfriend being a disgusting creep!!

FrippEnos · 18/12/2024 13:10

I would be walking away from the relationship and also reported him to HR for his poor behaviour at a works event.

whathaveiforgotten · 18/12/2024 14:37

@SkunderlaiSkendi

I think the motives are clear here - shes put herself in the shop window

What a gross thing to say about a 17 year old girl.

And let's remember that it's OP's boyfriend who said this girl apparently complains about her boyfriend all the time. A man who 'jokes' about said 17 year old getting 'railed by so many men right now'. A man who bullies 18 year old boys about their looks with the express purpose of humiliating them publicly.

Not a massively trustworthy person when it comes to accurately telling what's actually happened before this incident, I wouldn't have thought.

SkunderlaiSkendi · 18/12/2024 15:36

Most 17 year olds would cringe at being called a child, surely. It is quite demeaning and infantalising, to a young woman who works full time and has a boyfriend, to be called a child. It is very mixed messages isnt it.

Having a boyfriend, does offer at least some understanding, at least, of how mens minds works, im not saying an expert in these matters but potentially not the innocent child vibe

By age 17 I had my own home, a child of my own, and a full time job. I did not feel at all childlike

We need to show young people we believe in them, not refer to them as children until their 18th birthday and suddenly wow they are an adult which to me, is case by case basis. There are some people much older who still act like kids

SkunderlaiSkendi · 18/12/2024 15:40

Gemmawemma9 · 18/12/2024 13:09

She’s a child. There’s a power imbalance between a 17 year old girl and a grown adult man-don’t try and blame her for the ops boyfriend being a disgusting creep!!

You read me wrong, I am not blaming her - that is why i put two points

He is to blame for the bullying however I feel theres a chance her telling him personal issues like that shes unhappy in her relationship is a signal that could be read a certain way , by a man that fancies her.
She may not even realise the implications of her behaviour

Petrie99 · 18/12/2024 17:18

It isn't normal behaviour no, in the sense that decent men do not behave that way or find that sort of thing either funny or acceptable. My husband would be appalled and if he'd heard it would have given him a talking to. There are groups of "lads" where this sort of thing is normalized away as banter, clearly this is his social culture if he thinks it's normal. You can do better, I'd be embarrassed and disgusted

whathaveiforgotten · 18/12/2024 17:45

SkunderlaiSkendi · 18/12/2024 15:36

Most 17 year olds would cringe at being called a child, surely. It is quite demeaning and infantalising, to a young woman who works full time and has a boyfriend, to be called a child. It is very mixed messages isnt it.

Having a boyfriend, does offer at least some understanding, at least, of how mens minds works, im not saying an expert in these matters but potentially not the innocent child vibe

By age 17 I had my own home, a child of my own, and a full time job. I did not feel at all childlike

We need to show young people we believe in them, not refer to them as children until their 18th birthday and suddenly wow they are an adult which to me, is case by case basis. There are some people much older who still act like kids

Edited

Most 17 year olds would cringe at being called a child, surely. It is quite demeaning and infantalising, to a young woman who works full time and has a boyfriend, to be called a child. It is very mixed messages isnt it.

Not at all, she literally is legally a child.

I might have cringed at being called a child at 17. It would have been a bit immature of me to do so, but that would make sense. On account of being a child.

What's the mixed message? She has a job and boyfriend so isn't 'really' a child?

Having a boyfriend, does offer at least some understanding, at least, of how mens minds works, im not saying an expert in these matters but potentially not the innocent child vibe.

This is really disturbing language. 'Not the innocent child vibe'? Christ. So if a child has a boyfriend then it's more acceptable to make sexual comments about them?

By age 17 I had my own home, a child of my own, and a full time job. I did not feel at all childlike

That's statistically a pretty rare situation to be in at 17 though here in the UK. You must have had to have grown up fast but you were still a child. A more mature one I'm sure, but a child nonetheless.

We need to show young people we believe in them, not refer to them as children until their 18th birthday and suddenly wow they are an adult which to me, is case by case basis. There are some people much older who still act like kids.

I believe in young people and want them to be safe. They are children until they are adults. Babies, toddlers, tweens, teens. It's not infantilising to refer to a 17 year old as a child. It's accurate.

Predators like OP's partner (that's what he is, commenting on a 17 year old girl being 'railed' by loads of men) thrive on the idea that some girls under 18 are fair game to be pursued if they look a certain way, dress a certain way or don't immediately reject an older man.

She is a child. He made sexual comments about her. The fact she has a boyfriend doesn't make that any less awful.

Gemmawemma9 · 18/12/2024 17:49

@whathaveiforgotten said it better than I could 👏🏻

Tittibits · 18/12/2024 20:52

Imagine how insecure that lad feels now! Disgusting behaviour by grown men towards a young woman too. I hope someone complains at work and he has to face the consequences.

I would worry the kids might do something to himself- it will certainly have a life long effect.There was someone on MAFSNZ who had been teased all his life about his looks and it made a perfectly lovely young man imagine he would never find love.

i could not be with him if he didn’t feel remorse about his vile behaviour when it was pointed out to him…at the very least.

SkunderlaiSkendi · 19/12/2024 12:38

Everything is very black and white I think

Legally - At age 17 and 364 days, one is still a child. 24 hours later, they are classed as an adult

British law is full of outdated rules such as it being an act of treason to put a stamp on upside down

IMO there is a lot more to being 'adult' like maturity levels - we all grow differently

I do think we infantalise young people in the these days It was very different when i was young (I am a Gen X)

Occasionally one can hear ruminations of 'if a war broke out nowadays we would be screwed' as all the people are fighting age are still children with helicopter parents. I mean we seem to treat young people as kids until they are 25 these days

It is distrubing to making sexual comments to anyone of any age - however i havent read that part...I can just see the bullying of the boyfriend - which is bad enough

whathaveiforgotten · 19/12/2024 12:59

You didn't read that he made sexual comments about the 17 year old @SkunderlaiSkendi?

It's in the very first post:

saying aw your girlfriends definitely getting railed by so many men right now, to "make him insecure"

Saying, publicly, to her boyfriend that she is 'getting failed by so many men right now' is unequivocally a sexual remark, no?

About a child.

The13thFairy · 19/12/2024 13:48

May I ask, is it possible you are pregnant? Or have you recently bought a house or signed a lease together? Behaviour like this is often unleashed when the woman is less able to leave easily. I hope this is not the case. I hope your finances are not merged with his. But the mask is well and truly off now. He found pleasure in tormenting a young man - over a period of hours! He persuaded other to join in, and he actually boasted about this to you. Please find a way to live without him, and pray that he never reproduces.

ItGhoul · 19/12/2024 14:30

I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who behaved like that. Really, really off-putting behaviour.

It may well be the case that the girl's boyfriend is completely obnoxious and that she has told her co-workers about awful things he's done. But does your partner seriously think that bullying him all night and trying to make him insecure is actually going to help this poor girl? Because it won't. If her boyfriend is abusive this will simply make things a million times worse for her.

Basically, your boyfriend thought it was hilarious to make a night out awful and humiliating for a pair of teenagers. Really grim.

SkunderlaiSkendi · 19/12/2024 14:32

whathaveiforgotten · 19/12/2024 12:59

You didn't read that he made sexual comments about the 17 year old @SkunderlaiSkendi?

It's in the very first post:

saying aw your girlfriends definitely getting railed by so many men right now, to "make him insecure"

Saying, publicly, to her boyfriend that she is 'getting failed by so many men right now' is unequivocally a sexual remark, no?

About a child.

''Saying, publicly, to her boyfriend that she is 'getting failed by so many men right now' is unequivocally a sexual remark, no?''

Excuse me? That is some imaginative reading between the lines.

To fail means to not suceed, no? Unless this has changed - perhaps you could point me to this as I have never heard this used

I have never said this man is behaving in a decent way as he is not, he sounds somewhat of a predetor

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