Partners autistic son

[Dinero86]

So I don’t want to come across like I’m not understanding here, I just need some opinions or advice as I genuinely have no idea about this kind of thing and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship not understanding it.

so my partner is from London and moved down to Liverpool in July (off his own back I never asked for this). He has 3 children, 1 of them being an autistic 5yr old. He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum. Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son. His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem. His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him. He has currently been down for 5weeks now, hasn’t been to school or anything, in which time I had a difficult pregnancy and miscarriage and had NO support cos again - the son was down and didn’t want to go back to his mums. My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night. He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine. As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”. Haven’t been able to cuddle, sleep next to or even have sex with my partner (sorry to be graphic) I know children should always come first but I am really starting to question if I can do this, there just seems to be no boundaries or discipline or managing of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, is this a better way I could view it, what would anyone else do? I genuinely am just looking for advice as I don’t want know what to do. I can’t even speak to my partner about it as he gets defensive and starts shouting at me. He is wanting us to start a family and move in together but there’s absolutely no way I could handle this how it is.

It always blows my mind where are these people’s families? If my daughter was in this situation I’d lock her in her fucking bedroom.
It just would not be allowed to happen

Hi OP, I hope that writing this down has helped you see just how crap he is

He hardly works, smokes weed, doesn't parent his own child...my 10 year old sounds more driven, more responsible, and less lazy than him. You can surely do better than him

Oh and you split up and he slept with his ex. It's like loser bingo

You vilify the mother for not looking after the children (rightly if what you've been told is true), but completely gloss over the fact this man is equally neglectful. From what you've said there are a few grains of truth about parenting autistic children, but wrapping up in a lode of just generally crap parenting. For instance:

True - many autistic children struggle with sleep and may co-sleep longer
BUT - That makes it more important to have a solid bedtime routine, and possibly pediatrician/ sleep clinic input to help overcome difficulties.

True - mainstream school doesn't work well for some autistic children
BUT - you can't just leave them without an education, a responsible parent would either work with school to get support/ the right setting, or withdraw them fully and home educate (actually do learning stuff not just Xbox)

True - the transition between houses and possibly the chaos of 7 siblings with mum may be harder for an autistic child
BUT - they need to find a predictable scheduled that works for all 3 children, which may need him to not live 100's of miles away. Or if he doesn't think mum is providing adequate care, he needs to apply for residency of all his children and parent them properly.

Unless you really want to sign to end up single handedly caring for all three children, this man-child and any future babies of your own, run a mile from this shit show.

What?? You are bankrolling this loser and paying for him and his DC? Do you pay his rent?

He saw you coming mate!

Cut him off. Just block him and consider it a lucky escape. Spend the money you save from paying for this freeloader on counselling so you can work out why your self esteem is so staggeringly low.

What do you see in this man?

I am seriously shocked anyone would consider him to be a good father material.

He is using you for cash. He is an awful father. He doesn't do anything for you.

I hope you'll realize this has no future, or at least not a future worth living.

I'd be running for the hills.

Totally agree. The absolute shit some women on here tolerate just to have a man is breathtaking. I’m imaging my parents reaction if if met anyone even a tiny % as shit as this bloke. Think they’d have had me sectioned for my own protection.

Just reading the OP of her previous thread makes grim reading - he cheated on her with his ex, only moved to win her back (and be closer to her debit card) and was out with his ex while she miscarried and yet she’s willing taken him back.

As I said up thread it’s one of those I actually hope is a wind up because I can not fathom for a single second why anyone would set their bar so low - this one is in the gutter

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5222290-miscarriage-and-breakup-advice-was-i-in-the-wrong

This is why I always flinch when people suggest going no contact with families because it leaves them wide open to people like this in fact I’m convinced they target young girls that are fallen out with their families and probably boys as well.

My daughters have met a few men who suddenly started painting me and their father as the devil incarnate and pointing out all of the horrendous things we’ve done in their lives allegedly. But don’t worry, he’s there to look after her, yeah right fuck off.
It’s something to watch out for.

I’m so fascinated by how you talk about this vile woman vs the partner you love
when they’re both the same, if anything she is better because she at least gets the kids to school. Like i can’t even tell if you’re trolling it’s so mad how you phrase things.
he’s clearly so awful and so stupid, you think you’re helping the children but you’re just enabling them to continue to be neglected and abused, and you want to add another to the mix. It’s horrendous.
I hope you see the light, call SS on the parents so someone is looking out for those children and get yourself away from that man

This is the part the gets even better. I do actually question my own sanity at times being with him but in the beginning it wasn’t ever like this.

so he knew someone who lived where he does now and the landlord is just a bit of a dodgy one and let him move in and just pay the first months rent upfront. It’s only a studio flat. But he already stopped paying him 2 months ago cos he said there was issues in the flat that wasn’t fixed so his landlord is going thru the eviction process to get him out. I do see how it looks from the outside and reading it out loud I see exactly what people are saying. But as I say in the beginning I had never met anyone sweeter and kinder and it’s hard because i do stupidly love him.

Sorry I don’t understand this comment?

Okay, I’ll put it another way. Where are your family? What do they make of this situation?

seeing it in black and white does make me think to be honest. When your living in the situation though it’s not as easy as all that cos he DOES have this nice side to him

Seriously, get some self-respect, and get rid of him. And if the eight children - is he father to all 8? - are living in the conditions you say, ring social services and report the neglect.

I don’t have a family.

It makes you THINK? Oh COME ON @Dinero86 !

You are in danger of being an absolute caricature of one of those "naaaah but i loooooove him" women.

I'm another one that hopes this is a windup.

It’s that word ‘sweet’ again. Honestly in my almost 60 years on this planet I’ve never heard a grown adult man referred to as sweet and then I joined this website and it seems to be the absolutely standard way victims on here describe their abusers. It’s like part of a script. It’s repeated like a mantra ‘but he’s soooooooo sweet’ No he really fucking isn’t. And it’s textbook for an abusive cunt to put on an act to reel you in. If he showed his true colours from day one, you’d run a mile.

OP this man doesn’t love respect or like you, he treats you like shit, cheats on you and scrounges - what is there to love? Hes a useless waste of space scumbag - what will it take for you to wake the fuck up? He saw you coming

OP, people on here can agree with you that he's not parenting his kids properly (even if he's a well meaning person). And that he's never going to be able to give you (or any future kids with you) much in the way of time or money.

But people on here cannot change him for you, and he is unlikely to change, and his situation is unlikely to change.

I would absolutely not be having kids with a man in his situation, even if he is a nice person underneath it all.

Yes, I thought as much. You’ve literally been targeted by this man.
It’s textbook stuff, you need to reach out for some support. Speak to women’s aid. There is an online course. I believe called the freedom program that will help you to make better choices in the future.
But yes, I absolutely knew it would be the case that you would not have a mother or a father in your corner fighting for you.

You can have a wonderful life and your next baby can be loved cherished and brought up in a wonderful environment with the best of Everything but the only person who can make that decision for your unborn future baby. Is you.

@Dinero86 he’s got you completely fooled. He’s a c*cklodger!

Harden your heart !

As this poster said @Dinero86 he is a piece of work.

This is not the man for you, OP.

I am sorry for the loss of your baby. This man will not help you heal, as you already know.

@MyPithyPoster is right. Men like this target women without a strong support network, systematically cutting them off from the few people they do have in their lives, so that they can manipulate them. It is not your responsibility to parent this manchild or his children. Cut your losses, don't look back and live the life you deserve.

I'm sorry you don't have a family - it's one of the things he noticed. You have a home. Money. The desperate urge to see the best and nurture and save. And a complete lack of a support network and next to fill that gap.

You don't pick these men. They pick you.

The best thing you can do to help these children is find out where they live, where they go to school (if they do and if he even knows), and inform the school and local social services that here is a case of neglect and that these children need help.

And step back. Buying them stuff will not help. It's amateur thinking and these children need professional help.

Please don't bring a new child into this.

Sorry but this is not the man for you. You need to let him go and look elsewhere. He may or may not be a good man (sounded ok in the OP. Less so in further posts) but your lives are not compatible.