Partners autistic son

[Dinero86]

So I don’t want to come across like I’m not understanding here, I just need some opinions or advice as I genuinely have no idea about this kind of thing and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship not understanding it.

so my partner is from London and moved down to Liverpool in July (off his own back I never asked for this). He has 3 children, 1 of them being an autistic 5yr old. He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum. Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son. His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem. His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him. He has currently been down for 5weeks now, hasn’t been to school or anything, in which time I had a difficult pregnancy and miscarriage and had NO support cos again - the son was down and didn’t want to go back to his mums. My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night. He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine. As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”. Haven’t been able to cuddle, sleep next to or even have sex with my partner (sorry to be graphic) I know children should always come first but I am really starting to question if I can do this, there just seems to be no boundaries or discipline or managing of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, is this a better way I could view it, what would anyone else do? I genuinely am just looking for advice as I don’t want know what to do. I can’t even speak to my partner about it as he gets defensive and starts shouting at me. He is wanting us to start a family and move in together but there’s absolutely no way I could handle this how it is.

I bet the mother is worried sick. She could wind up in jail because he refuses to send the kid to school. Probably does this shit in order to worry her. Plus, when you voice your concerns- he shouts at you!

Get away from this horrible person. Send him packing. He's a major dick and he'll ruin your life if you don't get rid. I'm so sorry for your loss but, if you'd had a kid with this loser you'd be tied to him.

Get him out.

You need to work on your self esteem, genuinely. He is a bottom feeder. What would you risk what you have for him? But you are going to be one of those women who starts a new thread in 2 years time, seemingly surprised that he's taken your money down the pub and found a new home....please don't be that person.

You know what you need to do. Bin him.

I bet the mother thanks her lucky stars that the OP has come along.

You need to leave this drug user.

And I’m wondering why a bloke with three kids is so keen to move in and start a new family. Please have a good look at this situation. He didn’t pit you first when you miscarried - and he isn’t really putting his son first either. Gaming with his 5 year old and not taking him to school is not putting him first.

OP I am so sorry about your miscarriage.

What you describe of his parenting is not acceptable parenting for any child aged 5, but really especially for an autistic child. Boundaries, rules, consistency, anxiety reduction, and whatever support needed for him specifically (OT etc).it sounds like he needs advice from a professional on why his son doesn’t want to adhere to an age and needs appropriate schedule or return to his mothers.

Massive red flag - this man needs to get his parenting in order with his existing kids, as his priority. Sorry OP, I think you will have to accept that this isn’t going to be the relationship for you just now.

autism is genetic (mother of an autistic child, strong family history). If you were to stay with him and try again for a baby, you might want to prepare yourself for this genetic heritability. He has not (from the evidence provided) shown himself as a good father to an autistic child.

Just read your update @Dinero86 .
It seems this man brings nothing to the relationship. Why do you want to be with him?

Oh come on OP - please read this and see you’re being taken for an absolute mug. Why on earth would you want to get involved with this dysfunctional bunch and pay for the privilege?

This has got red flags than a communist party rally - he’s showing you who he is and you’re refusing to see it.

He is a cocklodger in waiting - please wake up. Why the fuck are you buying his son basic items while his dad acts like a dosser? Can’t buy his kid food but he can afford his drug habit. He’s already abusing you - and you’re rolling over and letting him.

Seriously raise your bar out of the gutter and dump this scrounger. He’s very very very bad news

Fuuuuuuck that, OP. He sounds like a total freeloader and a crap parent to boot. Autistic kids need strong, predictable boundaries, not hours in front of the bloody Xbox - that is bordering on neglect. Poor child. Get rid of this man, it isn’t going to work from everything you’ve said.
Also, I’m very sorry for your loss 💐

Love he DOES understand. He GETS IT. He us gaslighting you! Pretending you are the one with issues. He wants you to think your needs, expectations and feelings are unworthy and invalid. This allowing him to stay rent free with his 3 kids in your home!

Do you think anyone is so stupid that they think its OK to move themselves in with their partner at 6 months, with their kids and pay no bills? Of course not! Do you actually think anyone, who isn't fucking lying to you, would say you were bring unfair to say NO to that shit?

He's fucking with you. It's abuse btw. Acting like your feelings don't matter. Who the fuck does this dickhead think he is?

Love? There's nothing to love about him!
Love yourself ffs! Don't let an evil bastard like him take the piss for one day longer.

So to sum up your boyfriend:

Numerous children
Crap father
Doesn’t work
Spends most of his time on Xbox
Smokes dope
Doesn’t send his 5 year old to school
Relies on you to financially support him
Got you pregnant and wasn’t bothered when you had a miscarriage

The issue isn’t him spending time with his autistic 5 year old - it’s that he is an utter fucking waste of space.

You can do better.

Look onto the freedom project online, OP. You clearly have boundary issues, but this could help

How do you know she's a 'vile woman'?

How many times have you met her and had deep and meaningful conversations, considering you live in Liverpool and she lives in London?

Or is it just what Cock lodger/Father of the year has told you?

LOL the mother is an absolute waste of oxygen. 8 children and doesn’t look after any of them. We’ve FaceTimed the kids in the past and his 2yr old was sat drinkin a baby bottle filled with Coca Cola, she doesn’t even brush their teeth they’re filled with cavities! Honestly it’s raw. Any decent mother would have came down and collected the child and got him back to school, especially with him being autistic he needs more than ever to be educated he can’t even write his own name. It’s a sad situation but without him being a proper parent I just don’t see how we are going to work. Am I meant to just accept these crazy conditions?! Imagine we did live together when we have a child, there is absolutely no chance I am staying in the spare room whilst he co sleeps with his son who he doesn’t wana say no to. Or having him sat up on Xbox until all hours refusing to go to bed. It’s not happening. I just don’t know if this is normal for autistic kids to be like this or is it lack of parental control or what?

No money but smokes weed whilst playing Xbox ,on top of everything else, what a catch.
Do you really need advice about what to do ?

Sorry for your loss. He doesn’t sound nice. I think it’s a red flag he’d move so far away from his family in the first place. How was he going to regularly see the kids? That’s massively painful to cope with for the kids. This is a very complicated situation as they grow up that I’d be wary of being involved in.

When we have a child is worrying. Do not have a child with him. Just bin him. I don't know how much clearer we can all be. He is not good for you or any woman. Or his children, it seems.

I just don’t know if this is normal for autistic kids to be like this or is it lack of parental control or what?

Why does it matter?

It's how it is either way and you can't handle it which is fair enough.

So bin him.

had many a conversation with her yes, mainly resulting around when we breifly seperated at one point and she slept with him then blackmailed him months lying she was pregnant. Or when she had rang me saying she will “fuck” him whenever she feels like it and only wants “one thing”. Or the fact she has never worked a day in her life and had 8 children which she can’t look after and the kids beg to live with me, teeth rotting out their heads, unwashed and stinking when they come down and I have to go out and buy all new clothes etc. I could continue but I would rather leave it at she is a vile woman 😂

To answer your question it’s not unusual to need to cosleep with an autistic child.

What are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds awful.

What the others have said.

Sorry for your loss.

Dump this cocklodging lazy arse. Don't have sex or double up on contraception. He's not the one. You can do better. He's using you.
He doesn't love you. He'll always put his autistic son first.
Sorry.

This is one of those threads that I hope is a wind up because I genuinely struggle to believe that anyone would set their bar so low that they think this dysfunctional cocklodging druggy straight out of Shameless is a good choice as a partner and potential father

See it’s things like this I genuinely don’t know about and feel like I need to learn cos from a outside view the child just has no bondries or discipline and it really puts a strain on everything

Was expecting to say you were unreasonable as some parenting approaches for autism might come across as not having boundaries (like low demand parenting) but I think your DP is taking that way too far and doesn't sound like it is working well. And you shouldn't be paying for everything