Partners autistic son

[Dinero86]

So I don’t want to come across like I’m not understanding here, I just need some opinions or advice as I genuinely have no idea about this kind of thing and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship not understanding it.

so my partner is from London and moved down to Liverpool in July (off his own back I never asked for this). He has 3 children, 1 of them being an autistic 5yr old. He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum. Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son. His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem. His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him. He has currently been down for 5weeks now, hasn’t been to school or anything, in which time I had a difficult pregnancy and miscarriage and had NO support cos again - the son was down and didn’t want to go back to his mums. My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night. He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine. As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”. Haven’t been able to cuddle, sleep next to or even have sex with my partner (sorry to be graphic) I know children should always come first but I am really starting to question if I can do this, there just seems to be no boundaries or discipline or managing of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, is this a better way I could view it, what would anyone else do? I genuinely am just looking for advice as I don’t want know what to do. I can’t even speak to my partner about it as he gets defensive and starts shouting at me. He is wanting us to start a family and move in together but there’s absolutely no way I could handle this how it is.

Yeah he turned pretty awful threatening he would do this and that, run me out the city, stab anyone I ever got with, watch the pics he posts this weekend cos he will bring the ex down to punish me etc etc. all sorts of bullshit. It just strengthened the fact I did the right thing. Seeing everything In writing make me question everything and when he started his usual nasty bullshit this morning I was ready to switch off! Thinking long term it isn’t anything I want to be in or think I could handle so I know it’s best

I’ve said you are unreasonable but only because your problem is not the child. Autistic or not. The problem is the waste of space you think is a partner. He’s vile. He is a terrible father and not someone you should be thinking of having children with. Why are you focused on his child. His child is being a child with no boundaries. Your bf is the one who isn’t behaving well. Stop trying to have a child with him for goodness sake and stop blaming a child for your bf’s inability to behave like a functioning adult.

Well done OP. Sorry he turned so nasty but it’s shown you that you’ve absolutely done the right thing.

I know you haven’t had the easiest time on here but you will get support 100% if you need to come back and get strength to stay away from him.

I am really happy about your update and I wish you the strength to get through this and come out stronger.

The fact he turned abusive when you tried to end the relationship is all you need to know about him, he love bombs you to reel you in just enough then treats you like trash then love bomb again to reel you back in and repeat. You don't need all that abuse, heartache, stress and drama.

It will hurt at first, it will be hard and it will feel like it's easier to just go back to him but with time it will subside and at some point you will look back and wonder WTF you were doing with him in the first place.

I also implore you to look into therapy to help you get the root cause of any trauma to help you better understand yourself, deal with any issues and trauma and build the resilience to stand up for yourself and push back against any abusive situations in the future.

Goodluck. Feel free to come here if you're feeling low and need a handhold or support. Also I recall you said you don't have any family around but do you have any friends you can reach out to for support?

He sounds disgusting. If you feel threatened please report to the police and other women support organizations. Block him from everything and I mean everything. He does not exist to you anymore.

Please stay safe and I really wish you all the best.

What a psycho.
I think I'd inform the police just so they have recorded of things. Incase you ever need to call them (eg: as he's showed up). Screenshot any threatening texts they might want to see then block him.

Maybe deactivate social media for a while so you aren't tempted to look at his page.

You know, you're the lead character of your own life op. Would you ever ship a leading lady in a show you watch with a bully like him? Absolutely fucking not. He's not even the hot villain. He's just a women abusing scumball. A sad, pathetic little sociopath who gets off on hurting people.
A playground thug.

Trying even still, to play you off against his ex. Like a puppetmaster pulling her strings. But you've cut yours now so fuck him and his pathetic little games.

Keep safe op. Do seriously consider speaking to the police too. Him threatening to stab people you meet is a crime btw. Unlikely they'll charge him but hopefully they'd warn him off. Showing him you aren't slow to go to the police might help act as a deterent. He want you thibking you are alone and unsupported.

Stay strong OP. Remember his “love” isn’t real, it’s just lovebombing. It’s addictive, like junk food.

That’s what I’m trying to tell myself. I feel quite ok this morning but I can feel my anxiety rising like thinking is he going to bring the ex down again to spite me etc. I know I shouldn’t bother but it still hurts! I just can’t wait for Xmas and new year to be over so I can move on a lot easier instead of thinking what should or could have been

What could have been would never and will never have been as it’s quite clear is incapable of giving you what you want. An abuser does not just become not an abuser.

www.bestproductsreviews.co.uk/abusive-relationship-books

What could have been =
12 Christmas fights,
11 Christmas gaslights,
10 nights of him gaming,
9 more of him you-shaming,
8 threats to bring his ex,
7 coercions of sex,
6 lies a plenty,
5 making you feel numb and empty,
4 calling you names like 'crazy whore',
3 children not yours to care for,
2 blaaaaack eyes,

• and a dead you under the tree.

You were never going to have happiness woth this person. Only suffering. So yes, think what could have been. Misery, forever. Now you're free. You get to live in peace.

I have an autistic son and can say with some certainty he has had 3 days off since reception (he’s now year 6) due to his autism.
The thing that stuck out to me in the OP was “he gets defensive” which means he KNOWS he is in the wrong but cannot be bothered to correct it!
he’s clearly not the partner you need.

Is it just me or is this a bit weird? Meant be be funny but missed the mark??

Not meant to be funny. Meant to drive home what could have happened if op stayed so she doesn't look back and romanticise it.
I did just type it up in 5 minutes upon waking however so apologies if its not Shakespeare.

@Dinero86 honestly you probably won’t like this either but it’s meant kindly. He is horrific, a user, useless, dangerous. You name it. But, you don’t seem to be reacting appropriately to all his clearly obvious faults. And keep saying “but I love him” why? If you were thinking clearly you wouldn’t love him no matter what absolute shit he tells you. That he’s also telling other women, you can bet that’s true too. Please don’t go back to him. Go and get some counselling for yourself to understand what your worth is and how relationships should look. The fact you have no family may well be a reason you are so susceptible to this utter bullshit. Please take care of yourself.

I'm so pleased to read your update that it's over.

I was so angry on your behalf reading your posts and wishing you the strength and clarity to see him for what he is.

Parents should always prioritise their kids. But this doesn't mean they can be horrible to everyone else.

Be strong. Don't let him back in. This is the first step for a different 2025 where you put your needs first.

Honestly, this guy just doesn't sound like a very good parent. I don't have an autistic child, but I did work for a while in a special needs classroom and, at least from the autistic children I worked with, one thing I learned was that like all children they need structure. Obviously, there might need to be a bit more flexibility when working with a child with special needs. But like any other child, children with autism need structure (eg bed time is 8.00 every night). Frankly it sounds like your partner is a neglectful father who is blaming his poor parenting on his child's autism.

I can see how hard it’s been for you to detach from him when your first experiences with him were so positive. But that wasn’t the real him, it was an illusion to draw you in. You sound like a magnificent person, generous, kind and loving. These are not his traits. The way he is now: lazy, selfish, pothead, lacking empathy, shit dad, this is the real him.
Grieve for the man you thought he was, get some good counselling if you think that will help, and if were you I would probably move.
Start afresh in the new year. Book some nice things to look forward to, make some changes. Spend some time nurturing yourself, it will do you good. You’re a lovely person, you just inadvertently got sucked into a whirlpool of darkness, walk away.

@Pinkbonbon

I think the Op@Dinero86 should print out your version of the 12 days of Christmas and stick it on the walls in her home.

Update… police have been called after yet another outburst and I finally did a statement on him. He will be arrested tonight.

thanks for everyone who actually gave nice advice in a correct way u really helped me find the strength to leave.

Well done, and I'm glad you found something helpful in this thread among all the shite. Have a nice and peaceful Christmas <3

That's good that they're taking it seriously and going to bring him in! Glad you told them.

Wouldn't he surprised if you find out he has a history of abusing women already on record tbh.

Welldone and stay safe, we are rooting for you. I am glad the police are taking your report seriously.

Well done @Dinero86 I hope police involvement means he will now leave you alone. If you start a thread looking for moral support now you’ve ended it you’ll get a much more sympathetic response from MN. Block him everywhere and look forward to a happier 2025.

His son’s autism isn’t the problem, him being a useless parent is. Stop bankrolling him, he takes time of because you are paying !

This is a relationship you should be running from.