Partners autistic son

[Dinero86]

So I don’t want to come across like I’m not understanding here, I just need some opinions or advice as I genuinely have no idea about this kind of thing and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship not understanding it.

so my partner is from London and moved down to Liverpool in July (off his own back I never asked for this). He has 3 children, 1 of them being an autistic 5yr old. He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum. Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son. His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem. His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him. He has currently been down for 5weeks now, hasn’t been to school or anything, in which time I had a difficult pregnancy and miscarriage and had NO support cos again - the son was down and didn’t want to go back to his mums. My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night. He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine. As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”. Haven’t been able to cuddle, sleep next to or even have sex with my partner (sorry to be graphic) I know children should always come first but I am really starting to question if I can do this, there just seems to be no boundaries or discipline or managing of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, is this a better way I could view it, what would anyone else do? I genuinely am just looking for advice as I don’t want know what to do. I can’t even speak to my partner about it as he gets defensive and starts shouting at me. He is wanting us to start a family and move in together but there’s absolutely no way I could handle this how it is.

Every time you post there is something additional that screams 'run!'. You have a 'partner' who shows no concern for you, lives off you, takes drugs around his child and cannot parent that child. Surely an eternity being single would be better than this, and that is hardly the only option for you. Clearly you have a lot of empathy, but you need to apply some of it to yourself.

@Dinero86 If you care at all for this 5 year old boy you should call Social Services right now. This poor little boy is being neglected and his needs are not met by his lazy potsmoking father.

And you want to put another child of his into the world? Are you for real? I can't even feel sorry for you because that's just so selfish and stupid. Why would you give him the opportunity to fuck up another kid? Take a random bloke off the street to have a kid with and it's 99% sure he will be better father materiel than this lazy asshole.

So he's about to be evicted? there's no point saying don't let him move in with you as he'll probably move in by stealth anyway. May as well sit down and give him all your spare cash now,

I have an autistic 8 year old. I don't think the autism is particularly relevant here, except to the extent that a routine, good sleep and a calm living environment are vitally important to this LO, and his needs are not being met.

The problem is this man is a selfish prick and a crap dad. In your shoes, I would take all necessary precautions not to get pregnant again, call SS and then run for the hills.

You are really vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Love isn’t enough- he doesn’t love you back to leave you alone like he has and to treat you the way he has. Please get some help and counselling. See your GP, go to woman’s aid. Please don’t have a child with this man.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

That’s just the type of person I am I could never see the kid starve or not have nice experiences/trips and I know he hasn’t got a penny to his name cos he hasn’t been to work.
But it always seems to be me paying everything, feeding him, replacing clothes or football boots etc. my partner just sits smoking weed on Xbox!

Fucks sake, stop it! If they are being neglected because of their awful parents report them to social services. NOT put a sticking plaster over this shit show with “nice experiences”

Any decent mother would have came down and collected the child

And if he was a decent father he would’ve stayed living local to his children, not move to the other end of the country to be with a new girlfriend and suggest they have babies. He’d also get a job rather than smoke weed and game all day, whilst keeping his child off school and not safeguarding his other 2 kids from their supposedly awful mother.

she has never worked a day in her life and had 8 children which she can’t look after and the kids beg to live with me, teeth rotting out their heads, unwashed and stinking when they come down and I have to go out and buy all new clothes etc

Yet this prince of a boyfriend is just as bad with his employment history, and also decided to have 3 kids with this woman! And you do NOT have to buy them clothes. If you had any sense you’d dump him and report the 2 of them to social services. If she’s so bad why haven’t you reported her eh?!

I appreciate you’re upset about your miscarriage but I’m not going to say sorry. All I’m sorry about is that you actually thought it was OK to bring a child into this carnage, and it’s a bloody good thing that’s not happening now (until you have another totally irresponsible contraception failure). Someone mentioned you’re 38. If that’s true this is even more shocking as you’re old enough to know better. Sort your shit out OP. Talking Therapies is available free on the NHS and you fucking need therapy.

Yano what, I’m actually fucking sick of some of the responses here thinking they are so high and mighty. There are ways of saying things and this ain’t it! How do u know I haven’t reported her? Do you even know me from Adam?! I have reported her TWICE actually and each time it caused holy hell when it was suspected to be me hence why police ended up being called out and him arrested and my life was made hell until charges got dropped. I reported her to try and shock her into changing but things don’t change!! My partner suffers with mental health himself and thinks he’s doing the right thing keeping his son up here away from her but it really isn’t as the kid just rules the roost, doesn’t wana go to school or go home, doesn’t wana go to bed and wants to sit up on Xbox, doesn’t wana let his dad go to work to make money! What kind of woman would I be to be sat at home at night eating knowing the kid is sat there staving eating packet noodles?? The first time I even saw him again after the miscarriage I walked in and saw what a shit show it was so took them both out bought a Christmas tree, decorations, food etc. yes maybe I am a mug but at the same time I’m a human and have a connection to these people. If domestic abuse was so easy to leave like some people seem to think it is why are many women going through it?! It’s a vicious cycle and I get from the outside it looks bad. But nobody sees the nice side to him when things aren’t bad and he is promising me things will be how they used to be and that’s what I literally crave is just that love back. Talking about irrisponsible getting pregnant like it’s never happened to people before, I took the morning after pill for god sake it wasn’t like it was planned or just thought fuck it! I own my home, I drive a nice car, I have a business making enough money to support a child I’m hardly irresponsible or unable to take care of a child! I left him during my pregnancy to raise the child on my own because things wernt good and I realised that I had to protect my child. But yes since then we have spoken and I’m sorry but when you go from a relationship and carrying a baby to literally being alone and greiving over the Christmas period it’s very easy to fall back Into just clinging onto the hope you can make this work and have your family you have always wanted when we sat and spoke about everything and how this miscarriage opened his eyes etc. People act like it’s so easy to leave a difficult relationship or women go through things for attention when believe me that is not the case!!

This man literally used to idolise me. Would do anything for me. Loved me like nobody else ever has and offered me that stability and love that iv never seen before. The person he’s become now is like a stranger. It hasn’t always been this horrendous.

It sounds like perhaps he LoveBombed you (Google it if it’s a term you’re not familiar with).

Stop making excuses and get out of this shit show of a relationship.

He has mental health issues yet that hasn't stopped him having 8 children who will bear the brunt of his failures and that's who you decide to then have another child for?

It's obvious you're going to continue to make excuses for him so top wasting people's time here. Make the right choice and walks way or deal with it, simple.

No sensible person with self worth and self respect will get themselves engaged in such a messy situation not to talk of want to bring in an child into such a messy drama filled life.

Maybe that is the case I don’t know. But I literally have strangers on here telling me the death of my child was the best and she’s not sorry?! Like what the fuck. Some people on here seriously need to consider what their saying as there’s ways of delivering things and that is disgusting No the death of a child is NEVER for the best and it is more than fucked up to say that to a grieving mother at Christmas!!! as I say I am more than capable of looking after a baby I am In a very good position in life I just happen to be in a very messed up relationship right now

He has THREE children. Not 8.

Oh OP it sounds like you’ve had a terrible history of bad family and romantic relationships, so you think that any man, especially if he can give you a baby, is better than no man. This just isn’t true. He will completely ruin your life. He’ll drain your finances, and he’ll treat you even more terribly than he is now. That’s why people are suggesting therapy.

Was he arrested because of his actions towards you? Or his ex? Either way if he is capable of violence or threats this will only get worse once he’s moved in and got you pregnant again.

There are sadly lots of little children going hungry and having packet noodles for dinner. You can’t rescue them all. Stick some extra food in the Foodbank collection and be rid of these horrors.

And maybe look into having treatment to have a baby on your own. Sounds like you’d manage just fine, and being a single parent will be WAY better than having this man in your life.

I have as much right as anyone to ask people for genuine advice. If you don’t like my post and feel it to be time wasting I didn’t direct message you, I didn’t personally @ you for your opinion, you are more than welcome to skip it. I appreciate the people who are genuinely giving their view in a respectful polite way I am taking it all on board and it is ringing bells that I do need to make changes but it’s like some people just want to attack you on here!

It's called love bombing which is used to suck you in so you turn a blind eyes to all the bloody red flags that are being saved in your face.

And your post confirms that your priority should be working on yourself to build your self worth and self confidence not throwing yourself at a useless man simply because you're lonely short term it will feel great but long term it will not be worth it due to all the pain, drama, stress and shenanigans you have to deal with.

Get yourself into therapy to work through the trauma you are carrying and help you rediscover yourself and put up boundaries. Please do not bring a child into this mess.

And she has 8, still a messy shitty situation that you should be running away from.

What from this story makes you feel he will be a good father if you have another child with him?

Has he been able to take care of the 3 he currently has with the so called crazy woman who has 8 kids?

You realize that some mental health issues are hereditary right so the chance your child with him may have autism is high given both him and his older child have mental health illness? How will you both cope with another child who has the same mental health illness that his older child has?

You have every right to ask for advice yes but It's a waste of time because this is not the first thread you have created about this mess of a man and yet you continue to ignore the advice that this is not a relationship worth fighting for and try to make excuse after excuse for him. So yes if you're not planning to take advice then stop wasting people's time.

Because of the way he acted towards me. Police got called (not by myself at this point) and they came out, obviously had to take names etc. they saw his history and called me in the next day explaining they would have to make arrests due to the nature of the threats he was making etc. bail was broken within minutes of him coming out. Honestly people see things so black and white and haven’t a clue about reality and these situations, if things were so easy to leave it would be ideal but unfortunately that’s not how life is. They really think social services will come and save the day and police will protect everyone. This is not the case trust me. It is easier to have him unblocked than blocked as it’s less risk of him turning up, then sometimes yes he can get back in my head because I do actually love him and know that when things aren’t bad they are actually really good.

Sorry but you continue to make excuses not to leave. I agree it isn't easy but you need to have more resolve and determination if not this is your life and that's it.

As the other posters said he will ruin you mentally, emotionally, financially etc and you will look back and wonder why you wasted your life with such a man. And if you have a child with him you will be tied up with him and his messy life.

Again speak to organizations can help you, get therapy to get to the root cause of why you would rather settle for such a useless man that stand you for yourself and get practical advice on how to cut him off. Do something but please don't just sit back and accept it because you don't think you can leave and it's not back and white etc etc etc.

It is so much easier for you to leave than it is for most women. You don’t live together, and you are financially independent. The only thing stopping you is how (sorry, there’s no gentle way to say this) messed up you are mentally and emotionally. Urgent therapy and help from Women’s Aid, OP.

Oh, and you might find yourself wishing to God that social services were useless if you have a baby with a man who uses drugs around his kids, has an violent past, and has been arrested for threatening you. As soon as they wake up to the situation, you’ll be told if you don’t leave him they’ll remove your child.

You seem intent on destroying your life for this man. Have a good think about why that is and do something about it before it’s too late. Your life could be so much better than this.

@Dinero86 I’m sorry you are having such a rough time. Leaving a bad relationship is difficult and it’s natural to cling on to some scraps of the good stuff from the beginning.

BUT you need to look out for yourself. This guy sadly does not care about you and will always be a weed smoking dosser who can’t parent adequately. Surely you don’t want that for your own life?

Added to that he has made threats and very likely has a long police history.

Get advice on getting away from this safely and please try to understand that the child is not your responsibility.

You sound so competent, you’ll look back one day and either be glad you got away or very very sorry that you didn’t. A child with him will mean him sponging off you forever. If you want a baby just go it alone. It would be 1000x easier.

@Dinero86 so you were planning on keeping the baby, siting you could afford to go alone, yet ignoring the fact you'd be tied to this loser for the next 18 years? What if he wanted access? He's shown himself to be a poor parent, so continuing the pregnancy would've been irresponsible. And I don't care that he has poor mental health or that other women do irresponsible things, you are responsible for your actions and for any child you bring into this.

You don't like the replies you've got. That's understandable, the harsh truth hurts. So what's your plan? Are you staying with him? Getting therapy?

Is this sort of relationship you want your child to grow up in?

I feel sorry for all children involved in this mess. You are choosing to stay in this situation, but those poor kids didn't choose this.

If you want to have a baby on your own and be a single mum like you say upthread, fair play. In that case, I would urge you to reconsider the genes of the person you currently have in mind. Personally, I would go for someone with:

• high intelligence
• strong work ethic
• no substance abuse addictions (these are hereditary)

I would also be concerned about the fact that autism is hereditary, and would question whether I might struggle to cope as a single mum with an autistic child, bearing in mind that single mums don’t get time off, particularly as you say that you have no family.