Partners autistic son

[Dinero86]

So I don’t want to come across like I’m not understanding here, I just need some opinions or advice as I genuinely have no idea about this kind of thing and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship not understanding it.

so my partner is from London and moved down to Liverpool in July (off his own back I never asked for this). He has 3 children, 1 of them being an autistic 5yr old. He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum. Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son. His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem. His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him. He has currently been down for 5weeks now, hasn’t been to school or anything, in which time I had a difficult pregnancy and miscarriage and had NO support cos again - the son was down and didn’t want to go back to his mums. My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night. He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine. As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”. Haven’t been able to cuddle, sleep next to or even have sex with my partner (sorry to be graphic) I know children should always come first but I am really starting to question if I can do this, there just seems to be no boundaries or discipline or managing of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, is this a better way I could view it, what would anyone else do? I genuinely am just looking for advice as I don’t want know what to do. I can’t even speak to my partner about it as he gets defensive and starts shouting at me. He is wanting us to start a family and move in together but there’s absolutely no way I could handle this how it is.

So you two briefly separated and he couldn’t wait to stick his cock back in her?

Wow what a catch you’ve got yourself there 👍

He thinks he’s putting his child first but not in the right way.
His child has no routine.
Not receiving an education.
Missing out on school friendships.
Allowed to stay up far too late.
His dad missing work so unable to provide. And he wants to bring more children into this chaos?

I can tell you the most difficult children I used to teach behaviour wise were kids from chaotic homes. Not their fault but their lives were out of control and they couldn’t control themselves , their emotions, their behaviours. It was sad to see.

The more you provide the more this man will take. He’s already shown he couldn’t give you any support during your miscarriage. He’ll not improve.

my DH and I share a “high functioning” autistic dd. We are fairly strict parents with many routines to help her feel comfortable. When she was 5 and dealing with the difficulties that come from being ASD in a school setting, we got virtually no alone time. It sounds like he isn’t doing everything he should with his child, but the reality is still that Parenting a ND child well often takes all of your time and energy.

Sadly having read her previous thread about this unpleasant man, I think OP is in denial and diverting away from the real issue. It isn’t the child that’s the problem here. Her own boundaries with men seem questionable.

You should be his priority...not his son (autistic or not)

Also, that autistic son NEEDS stability not pampering. (If dad doesn't change his ways, I feel sorry for that boy!)

I am sorry for your loss. Please please please do not have a child with this man. He is showing you how ridiculous his parenting skills are. Don't straddle your future children with him.

Nonsense! His children should be his priority. Not his crotch. Having already produced three (that we know of) he shouldn't even be dating!

This is soooo true!

It sounds really difficult. I don't think it's going to work out. There's not really much you can do to make him change how he parents his son.

Frankly it sounds very challenging and you don't want the burden of being a stepmum against your own consent or wishes.

It's best if you part ways amicably as it's clear he can't give you the love and attention you deserve.

I'm sure it's not easy for him, but you haven't chosen this life for yourself so don't have to deal with it.

@Dinero86

So lets line this up.....

Grotty man who does zero parenting to the point where his multiple childrens health is suffering
Is happy to let hid child not go to school
Smokes weed
Games instead of working
Treats a 6 year old ND kid as his bestie
Neglected you during a miscarriage
Has an ex that is vile to you
Has an ex that neglects her kids as much as he does
Is revolting

Two questions.....

Why the ever loving FUCK are you with him, much less getting pregnant by him?
Why havent you spoken to social services about these poor kids being neglected so badly?

Actually, three questions.....

Arent you worth more than this Jeremy Kyle-esque car crash?

It’s a sad situation but without him being a proper parent I just don’t see how we are going to work. Am I meant to just accept these crazy conditions?! Imagine we did live together when we have a child,

First of all I am sorry for your loss and going through it alone that in and of itself is a massive thing to go through. I have had a loss myself but I was supported.

Please re read these words back to yourself. You sound like a very generous and giving person but you are also intelligent enough to know things are not right. Please don't have a baby with this man, he's not able to be the father to a future baby and his other 3 children appropriately.

There are so many other things such as not regularly working, gaming all night with a 5 year old (autistic is no reason for this) weed, etc.

Why do I get the feeling op you are going to stay with him whatever is said on here?

He is taking you for a complete mug. Please don’t bring another child into this. Why the heck is he not working properly- because he does not have to because you pay for everything.

just think if this was a friend telling you the following about her partner you would tell her to run a mile.

let me guess when you broke up he gave you every promise under the sun.

if he is age 5 the school welfiare will be getting involved soon as well, also if the mother is that bad then you need to report to social services. Though I would not be surprised if they are already on the radar.

Also he smokes weed while he playing on the x box with his five year old son all night!!!

what type of games are they playing just out of interest

Firstly I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you are recovering ok.

I never usually respond but this keeps getting worse the more you write. Your boyfriend needs to become an ex sharpish. Just read back what you’ve written. There are zero redeeming features.

As a health professional has his son been formally diagnosed as autistic or his “parents” labelled/self diagnosed him as autistic to excuse their piss poor parenting. From what you’ve written I sway towards the latter.

Children yes should have boundaries and mine do but I have no problem with snuggling with them at bedtime in their room and dozing off. Children need to feel safe, secure and to form positive attachments.

Co-sleeping personally for me is not an issue but I breastfed and it worked for us. Although I don’t know why western cultures are so obsessed with wanting to get their children away from them at night. If they wake in middle of the night and want to get into our bed that’s fine. Sometimes I take them back mostly we all just snuggle and sleep. They want comfort and to be close - not to be unceremoniously dunked and left to feel like a hindrance. It’s such a short time that they will do this and every moment is precious.

I have zero interest in Xbox or the like and it would be a massive turn off watching a useless lump zoned out playing some crap... The weed smoking each to their own many professionals more than people would like to think are functioning with illicit substances. However, your bum of a boyfriend is incapable of looking after himself, let alone his children or you.

With regard to the five year old and the other children if you have genuine concerns around neglect which is a form of abuse you have a duty of care to raise these with appropriate services.

Lastly, please get a grip!!! You seperated and he slept with his ex. Come on!!! This is all to Jeremy Kyle or an Eastenders storyline for me.

I know you’re going through a difficult time but I believe Mother Nature gave you a ‘get out of jail card’. Focus on healing, seek a good therapist, learn to love yourself and know your worth and move on with your life.

Best wishes.

I think we can all guess the answer to that, and it's not Minecraft.

Really really bluntly op, if you’d had the baby you’d have realised that the only way to really be a good mum to the baby is to tell this man to fuck off out of your life and they can see their child for short periods where their total lack of parenting doesn’t negatively impact them. Now you need to do this anyway. Im very sorry for the little boy but you can’t be his dad, and you can’t financially support this group that aren’t your family and this man that will contribute nothing to your life. Im not surprised he moved, he realised he’d found a right mug who he could treat like utter crap and you’d still fund his life.

Your dp has abandoned his kids to the woman, you describe both as vile and falling short in many ways to parent her kids. You’ve also described many ways, where your dp is failing his kids.

Your dp would rather abandon his kids, play x box, smoke weed and earn no money than actually parent them and provide for them.

Then you describe how he has threatened you and took no interest in you when you had a miscarriage.

In what way is he father or partner material?

You know the times when you just want to
slap someone so they can wake up from a nightmare? well this is one of those
FFS, OP, what is wrong with you?? I read both threads and I cannot believe that you still with that horror of a man
He doesn’t work/stays up all night playing on his x-box
He is happy to see you working hard to pay for his rent/bills/pocket money, his kids outings/clothes and dope
He cannot be trusted to go back to London to pick up his kids as he may have sex with his ex
He shouts at you
Happy to have another child that he won’t provided for, what for? He has his cash cow to do that
Didn’t care that you had a miscarriage, told you to call an ambulance if things were that bad

Honestly, why can’t you see this man for what he really is, a selfish loser, who will use you so you can provided the cash while he sits all day/night on his X-box, smoking dope

Are all the 8 children his?

I don’t mean this nastily but I think you’re trying to be the kids ‘saviour’ Feeding them, buying them clothes and treats, because it makes you feel better about yourself and you hope it’ll make this man love you.
The children are seriously neglected and he’s smoking weed around his children? Why haven’t you contacted social services? Buying his children the odd pair of shoes and a trip to a zoo isn’t going to help long term, kind though it seems at the time.
Contact SS, contract the 5 year old’s school and then walk away. Block him on everything.

I’ve just read previous OP link and WOW. Please do what is necessary to keep yourself safe and far away from that poor excuse of a man. This is NOT what a loving stable
relationship looks like. I can only imagine the hold he has over his vulnerable ex partner. I’m sure she has a history of poor choices of partners and zero self esteem. Save yourself and I hope one day his ex will be free of him too. What a sad state of affairs.

Agree 100%

Whoa there.

As if this situation wasn’t bad enough, on top of this he smokes weed when he’s broke and underemployed, and a father of three small children?

No no no.

This man is a terrible father and is setting his already disadvantaged disabled son up for lifelong bad sleep, video game addictions, poor education, and an inability to cope with everyday situations by giving in to truanting and cosleeping.

Routine is even more essential for autistic children than others, because people with autism/ADHD have impaired executive functioning and need routine and repetition to be able to complete basic everyday tasks (such as cleaning teeth) in adulthood. He needs routine to increase his likelihood of living independently as an adult.

Good sleep hygiene is also important because people with autism and ADHD are much more likely to develop circadian rhythm disorders. Again, these are debilitating as adults (I have one) and need to be avoided at all costs by enforcing good habits throughout childhood.

He’s literally ruining his child. (ETA I have autism and ADHD).

He has no empathy for you and allowed you to miscarry with no support. He has poor parenting skills. He has no money - yet still spends what money he has on weed instead of contributing to his children, to the point you have to compensate for it.

This man is a hopeless case, and your life will be a disaster if you’re bound to him forever with children - who he will also be a poor father to.

Agreed - although nor should you be if he has children. Always amazes me how many people get into relationships with dads and then hate if they’re actually treating their kids how you’d hope your own would be treated in the same circs.

It sounds like this woman needs to be reported to social services.

And yet you choose to get yourself entangled in this mess and add your own children into this messy situation with an irresponsible man with no steady job or income and has poor parenting skills?

I really question your ability to make sensible adult decisions. You need to work on building your self worth and self respect.