Partners autistic son

[Dinero86]

So I don’t want to come across like I’m not understanding here, I just need some opinions or advice as I genuinely have no idea about this kind of thing and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship not understanding it.

so my partner is from London and moved down to Liverpool in July (off his own back I never asked for this). He has 3 children, 1 of them being an autistic 5yr old. He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum. Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son. His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem. His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him. He has currently been down for 5weeks now, hasn’t been to school or anything, in which time I had a difficult pregnancy and miscarriage and had NO support cos again - the son was down and didn’t want to go back to his mums. My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night. He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine. As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”. Haven’t been able to cuddle, sleep next to or even have sex with my partner (sorry to be graphic) I know children should always come first but I am really starting to question if I can do this, there just seems to be no boundaries or discipline or managing of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, is this a better way I could view it, what would anyone else do? I genuinely am just looking for advice as I don’t want know what to do. I can’t even speak to my partner about it as he gets defensive and starts shouting at me. He is wanting us to start a family and move in together but there’s absolutely no way I could handle this how it is.

Well in all honesty it isn’t really your business how he raises his kids. It’s your business to observe and decide if you want yours raised that way. Sounds like a no. I just think you aren’t right for each other.

So she doesn't work and parents her kids inadequately, and so does he. What's the difference?

What on earth do you see in this bloke? And please don’t tell me “you love him” without explaining exactly what you love about him.

@Dinero86 this bloke is a chesting, lying, waste of space. The child is the very least of your probems! Seriously @Dinero86 imagine someone told you all this - you would advise them to get out.

Would you be ok with him smoking weed around your child? Because he will.

Are Social Services involved with his other family? Those poor children. They need care and education more than nice experiences.

No, it has nothing to do with autism - it’s shit parenting. Parenting autistic kids can be extremely challenging and requires extra reserves of patience and perseverance, but it doesn’t sound like he can be arsed to put even the minimum level of effort in. I can’t see how much more obvious he needs to make it for you to see how useless he is! I feel desperately sorry for his children.

This about sums it up OP. Please raise your bar - how can you love or respect someone like this or even think for one minute of having children with him. You would end up having the baby in your lunch hour and then going back to work to fund his weed and gaming habit - and probably pay for all his other children too.

How someone raises their children isn't anyone elses business but if a parent is neglecting their child then that becomes everyone's business.

I think you should split from him and find a way to flag his son to the authorities. Unfortunately I don't know how you would do that. Possibly your local council website has someone you can contact?

Literally nobody thinks he's a good shout as a partner, and none of it has anything to do with the child's autism. Think on that.

Autism is not the issue here.

The issue is the lazy boyfriend you are paying for.

do you have ' sucker ' written across your forehead ? as that is what he thinks of you, whilst smoking weed and gaming.

of course he moved nearer to you, he wants his meal ticket nearby.

I’m sorry about your loss Op, it’s devastating and worse to have no support

regarding the rest of your post, why are you paying for this man? It’s his choice to not parent and to not work, why have you made that your problem to solve for him?
i wouldn’t want a child or a relationship with a man who is incapable of parenting and at least trying to support himself

the mother is an absolute waste of oxygen. 8 children and doesn’t look after any of them. We’ve FaceTimed the kids in the past and his 2yr old was sat drinkin a baby bottle filled with Coca Cola, she doesn’t even brush their teeth they’re filled with cavities! Honestly it’s raw. Any decent mother would have came down and collected the child and got him back to school, especially with him being autistic he needs more than ever to be educated he can’t even write his own name
totally baffled that you’re calling her a waste of space, but it’s him keeping his child with him and off school, him that’s moved away from his children, and it’s him knowing his 2 year old is being neglected, and he’s doing nothing about it, but you think he’s good enough to be in a relationship with and you’re talking about ‘When’ You have children with him. Perhaps he needs to worry about the ones he already has a bit first.

Dearie me. You need to look further than a sewer to find a partner. Serious lack of self respect going on here. Can you seriously not look into your future and see what kind of life you would have?

I agree - of course he should prioritise his child over his partner - my husband and I always put our children first- and you surely can't expect anything else.

That said, the missing school thing and lack of boundaries is a huge issue. For the child's sake.

This man isn’t going to be a good father for your children @Dinero86. There are a lot of red flags here.

@Dinero86

I see it's only 2 weeks and 2 days since your last thread on this prince of a man.

and it seems you ignored the advice then.

OP I’m so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. I hope you’re doing okay.

This sounds untenable and I can’t see how things will improve or even change a little, if your partner isn’t willing to put some boundaries and rules and routines in place. Wishing you all the best x

Just run OP this isn’t about your understanding of autism (or lack of - and good on you for wanting to learn!) but this is a shit bloke. You’ve had a glimpse of what your child will go through with him as a Dad.

Dump him and get on to the kids school re safeguarding and say you know where the child is and that they aren’t in school. The Mum could have unenrolled them by now or they’d be asked questions!

Find someone his boundaries and values align with yours :) x

Let’s recap @Dinero86

He’s a shit dad
He doesn’t work
He shouts at you if he doesn’t like what you say

Why oh why are you with him, let alone contemplating a family with him?!

Come on, surely you have better self worth than that??

Loss of a child can make things complicated yes. When I know he is all I have left of my baby that passed away.

And it seems like he didn't care, which is awful for you. Does that not tell you something?

Totally understand this OP, but you owe yourself and any future child(ren) so much more than this. And I think you know that. Please listen to all this advice.

Wish I’d read this first before I posted. Sums it up perfectly.

OP, he is completely useless. He is using you and he is using his child's autism as an excuse not to work and to sponge off you.

I certainly never co-slept with my autistic child. He also went to school. He will shortly qualify as a doctor. We had boundaries and routine. Having an autistic child certainly never meant my husband stopped work.

My husband is on the spectrum. He paid his way - half of all our costs. He has been endlessly patient with our children and, with me, did his best to make sure our children had nice experiences, a great education and reasonable bedtimes where they went to bed in their own beds in their own bedrooms.

You are paying for everything for him and his child and worrying about his child while he smokes weed while gaming. You are not responsible for this child or his siblings and, even if you were, you wouldn't be able to change anything. You have no time alone and he "couldn't" be there when you were miscarrying because his son "wouldn't let him come".

You see yourself as the type of person who could never see the kid starve or not have nice experiences/trips when the father mostly doesn't work and doesn't work at all when his son is staying with him. The type of person you really are is utterly gullible - he can smoke weed and stop work and you support him and this child.

The awful vile mother - he chose her and slept with her. If he loved his children, he'd get a job and properly support them. You know things like making sure they get to school, giving them proper food and buying soccer boots etc. He might ideally have stayed in the same city in which they lived. The whole set up is totally dysfunctional. No woman with any self-respect would put up with this. This may sound utterly harsh but not having children with this loser was a lucky escape because he's hardly father of the year material, is he? Why would you want this man as the father of your baby?

You deserve better. Why would you put yourself in this situation? A partner is meant to add joy to your life - you should be going out to dinner, having lazy brunches, going on romantic holidays. He pays for almost nothing and can't even come to the hospital when you're miscarrying.

You need to break this off.

The OP is a lost cause, will move him in, have another child he won't pay for, subsidise him until he moves onto the next one. And then complain. And maybe find some common ground with the other women. A tale as old as time.