Partners autistic son

[Dinero86]

So I don’t want to come across like I’m not understanding here, I just need some opinions or advice as I genuinely have no idea about this kind of thing and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship not understanding it.

so my partner is from London and moved down to Liverpool in July (off his own back I never asked for this). He has 3 children, 1 of them being an autistic 5yr old. He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum. Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son. His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem. His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him. He has currently been down for 5weeks now, hasn’t been to school or anything, in which time I had a difficult pregnancy and miscarriage and had NO support cos again - the son was down and didn’t want to go back to his mums. My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night. He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine. As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”. Haven’t been able to cuddle, sleep next to or even have sex with my partner (sorry to be graphic) I know children should always come first but I am really starting to question if I can do this, there just seems to be no boundaries or discipline or managing of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, is this a better way I could view it, what would anyone else do? I genuinely am just looking for advice as I don’t want know what to do. I can’t even speak to my partner about it as he gets defensive and starts shouting at me. He is wanting us to start a family and move in together but there’s absolutely no way I could handle this how it is.

I’m sorry about the loss of your baby but that does not justify spending your life with such a loser but it’s your choice.

And since you don’t want to leave him then accept him and his son as they are and stop trying to finds ways to change them.

He has no good qualities. He is not a good dad . He moved away from his kids. He doesn't seem to care that they are treated badly . He smokes weed. He doesn't care about education .
Routine is key to an autistic child.
Why would you want a child with this man?
How is he going to be a good dad.
Do you think he will suddenly become responsible? Stop the drugs? Stop being a useless dad to the 3 kids he already has?
This can't be the idea of a good dad to you??

I am si sorry you went through that alone. Your baby will be part of you without him being in your life, look up microchimerism - it's been a comfort to me following a miscarriage.

The cosleeping is not the issue. Many children, not just neurodivergevnt, cosleep still at that age for at least some of the night. I'd imagine his child feels very insecure with both parents and needs that extra connection

It's the keeping him off school, no food in house, smoking cannabis around him, letting him stay up all hours that are major issues. I think as well as leaving him you need to contact social services. I am surprised the school haven't done this already, though?

Go and have a Quick Look in the mirror OP can you see the word mug written across your forehead
Ok technically you’d read it as gum being the mirror image but seriously OP he’s taking you for being a complete mug.
Prove him wrong PLEASE!

You're still around this fucking moron @Dinero86 after the way he treated you, described in your last thread?

Add your large, reactive dog to the whole neglectful, feral, criminal, abusive, dysfunctional family dynamic you describe and the only thing missing is jeremy Kyle.

You describe yourself as an intelligent woman. A business owner. Prove that intelligence, by waking up and walking.

Report, as you go. That's the best thing you can do for the poor little lad himself.

He’s a shit Dad and a shit partner. You would be grossly irresponsible to get pregnant again.

Your “partner” doesn’t sound like a partner at all, but more interested in his X box and loafing about. He couldn’t even be bothered to support you during your pregnancy and miscarriage. He can’t be bothered to help his son with routine or make sure he gets to school.
Yet you are working to keep him whilst he is idle and sounds like he has little interest in anything except an easy life for himself.
You can do better than him. He is taking you for a mug.

I agree with PP

He's not the man for you and having an autistic DS is irrelevant to the way he treats you

You do not need this situation. I am appalled to think you became pregnant with this man when he hardly works and cannot parent this particular child. Please make sure you do not become pregnant again! You do not even live with him, he's a part-time partner and taking advantage of your generous spirit.

You will love again, next time hopefully someone who is childless, who works and will put you first a lot of the time.

Dear God, this man is a loser.

Please, please raise your bar.

He's a sponger, he sounds insufferable.

Get a high quality man without ties and choose wisely,

This is definitely NOT father material, he sounds very un~boundaried and is a weak father to this child, and will be to any you have.

It sounds appalling.

Why get pregnant with a loser like this AND have a large reactive dog?

Sounds a dangerous situation for any child to be around.

And she will be unavoidably part of your life if you continue with this relationship. Seriously, get unentangled with the whole dysfunctional lot of them.

It really does sound unreal.
As PP have said, like an episode of Jeremy Kyle.
Probably his weed smoking won't have helped the quality of the sperm, either.

Weed smoking in men increases miscarriage risk in women @Dinero86

www.bu.edu/articles/2019/marijuana-use-and-miscarriage-risk/

Not read all messages to be honest. However, what do you actually get that is positive from this weed smoking excuse for a dad?
If you were my daughter I would be horrified for you. You can do so much better. You sound lovely and caring but save it for someone who deserves you.
Also sorry you are having an awful time without support, take a big step back now and focus on your own well being and ditch the user.

Firstly, don’t get into a relationship with a man who has children if you’re not okay with being second place.

Secondly, I think you’re unreasonable in your judgement of the kids mum. I imagine with 8 children she’s really struggling, especially when the father of 3 of them decides to piss off halfway across the country! You’ve got a lot to say about her, but if your partner was happy to jump back into bed with her she can’t be all bad?

Finally, why are you even considering having children with this man? Abandoning his children for a woman aside, you don’t like his parenting style, he isn’t able to help you provide for a child financially as he’d rather spend money on weed than food for his son (unless you’re paying for that too?) and honestly just sounds like a waste of space. The ONLY thing it sounds like he is doing right is spending time with his son and you have an issue with that. Whilst I don’t agree with letting the child stay up all night etc. you clearly don’t have much experience with autism so it’s easy for you to judge.

To be blunt, you sound quite immature. If you were really concerned about the welfare of his children why wouldn’t the 2 of you be looking into gaining custody? I really don’t think you having a child is going to make this man suddenly become a responsible person. I think you will be left taking care of a baby alone while his life stays exactly the same. Maybe you’ll be slightly less judgemental of the mum when you realise how tough it is at least.

Think twice before having a child with him because if you break up he will be entitled to time with that child and you’ll have no say in what happens in that time. You’ll be sending more children into chaos. Find someone else

he isn’t even going to work whilst his son is down, so I am left paying for everything for them both as he doesn’t have a penny to his name. Whilst they sit up on Xbox until early hours of the morning and chill all day

So he misses work and his son misses school for weeks on end for them to play Xbox until past midnight?!! He doesn’t even sound like an adult - this is how I imagine a young teenager might look after a 5 year old.

• bad father
• doesnt work
• smokes weed all the time
• shiuts at you

why on earth would you go out with this man let alone procreate with him??

get rid. You can clearly do so much better!

No you don't need to learn, it's not your responsibility, this is someone else's life and their accountability towards their child. Not for you to be involved.

That’s just the type of person I am I could never see the kid starve or not have nice experiences/trips and I know he hasn’t got a penny to his name cos he hasn’t been to work, he only does bits and bobs for his friend cash in hand but hasn’t even done that cos his son is down.

he really saw you coming! He is the one who brought this child into the world, it's for him to provide for the child. You've already acknowledged that this arrangement is affecting your life, and yet here you are saying you're "the kind of person" to finance someone else's child.

step away and do the right thing for everyone, you don't need to rescue other people' situations that they brought on themselves

Working on your boundaries would be a much better investment of your time.

The strain on your relationship is that it is dysfunctional. Why are you trying to bring more babies into this awful situation? You barely know the man when it's only been a year of long distance, you aren't even ready to live together, he's not able to fund himself, there are a raft of children dotted around not getting enough effective care... just stop! Find someone who is light and fun, spend time getting to know each other until you feel sure you're ready to live out your lives together, then spend time actually living together to ensure it works... only then should you be thinking about having more children.

Firstly OP, why, why, why are you involved in this?

I'm confused though,

*how and why does a man with no job/money afford to relocate to his own place, hours away from his children?

*how does his mother (with 8 children!) or his father (with no job/money) get their autistic 5 year old child to Liverpool? He isn't travelling alone.

*how could the child attend school while in Liverpool anyway? Your posts read as though he lives elsewhere. You said he's been 'down' for 5 weeks now. Where does he live with his mother?

*why has there been no investigation from authorities about why he isn't in school?

So, many questions.......

No. Just no. Please do NOT have a baby with this man.

He’s taking the piss, and the longer you put up with it the more of a mug you become.
Lots of people here telling you to dump him and you’ve complained about him before.

Just get rid of him.

How much of what you are seeing is autism and how much is that the kid has no rules, boundaries or routine whatsoever?

OP, like so many others on here, we can all see you sleep walking into and absolute shitshow with this man.

He's moved away from his children. You don't need to know anything else but he is just one massive walking red flag.

I’m so sorry for your loss, but please don’t try to have a child with this man he sounds like an awful father. Children particularly autistic children need routine and good parenting. Keeping him off school is neglectful and illegal. Letting him stay up playing x box - what benefit is that? He is not a good dad he sounds awful. I presume he doesn’t work if he’s had son for 5 weeks. Please @Dinero86 ser your bar higher.