Partners autistic son

[Dinero86]

So I don’t want to come across like I’m not understanding here, I just need some opinions or advice as I genuinely have no idea about this kind of thing and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship not understanding it.

so my partner is from London and moved down to Liverpool in July (off his own back I never asked for this). He has 3 children, 1 of them being an autistic 5yr old. He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum. Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son. His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem. His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him. He has currently been down for 5weeks now, hasn’t been to school or anything, in which time I had a difficult pregnancy and miscarriage and had NO support cos again - the son was down and didn’t want to go back to his mums. My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night. He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine. As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”. Haven’t been able to cuddle, sleep next to or even have sex with my partner (sorry to be graphic) I know children should always come first but I am really starting to question if I can do this, there just seems to be no boundaries or discipline or managing of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, is this a better way I could view it, what would anyone else do? I genuinely am just looking for advice as I don’t want know what to do. I can’t even speak to my partner about it as he gets defensive and starts shouting at me. He is wanting us to start a family and move in together but there’s absolutely no way I could handle this how it is.

You're right - you're a mug.

Please don't bring a child into this absolute car crash of a life.

What a shit show. Lots of good advice has been given on this thread that’s being ignored by the OP. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink I suppose…

Why on earth would he move back? You're his meal ticket, Op

Please OP don’t let him move in even as a stop gap because once he’s in, he’ll be impossible to get rid of.

How do you plan on saying no to him when he asks?

you’re obviously not safe around this person. You’ve said you have no family, do you have any in person support? I think it sounds like he’s taken advantage of you whilst you’re quite vulnerable. He’s been nice to you for a couple of weeks/months and every now and again he shows you a glimpse of that to keep you on the hook. He mixes that with fear and abuse it sounds like to keep you on your toes and both scared and hopeful. I suppose it’s nicer and easier to imagine he’s a good person deep down and have hope he’ll change (back), rather than think about how he’s awful and a terrible prospect. You do need to let go of that hope though, the sooner you ditch him the sooner you can be with someone that is actually nice to you. You should absolutely find someone to talk to irl to work through this though and get some support if you can because right now it sounds like he will definitely be moving in with you soon and you will continue to pay for everything.

Everything you described sounds exactly like love bombing. He is an abusive man, and the fact he was abusive when you were pregnant and left you to face a miscarriage alone shows his true colours.
Think - would you want any children you have with him growing up thinking those behaviours are ok? Would you accept that behaviour from anyone else? If you had a child in the future who came to you to tell you their boyfriend or girlfriend treated them that way what would you do?

Do you have any friends you can reach out to?

Women's aid or local DV charities will be able to support you, even just to go over everything and work towards having the courage go end things. It is good he is not living with you.

Yes of course I completely agree he should be his first priority. It’s the lack of boundaries and lack of routine that bothered me because it does end up effecting things and as a woman it’s difficult to watch, if that’s due to him or his son’s condition I don’t know but either way it’s not really compatible I don’t think which is sad.

You dont know what the problems are due to?

Who knows, eh? It's a feckin mystery 😳

It's difficult because although you can voice your opinions on parenting, ultimately it's down to him and it does seem like he's pretty set in what he's doing.
If the relationship continues this will always be a sticking point for you. And it is really crap when a relationship is otherwise good.

He probably thinks he's doing what is best for his son but unfortunately he's doing more harm than good.

Please explain how this relationship is ‘otherwise good’?
He’s an abusive, weed smoking, unemployed, gaming addicted loser who is about to be evicted. He’s threatened @Dinero86 at her most vulnerable and been unwilling to support her during the miscarriage of their child.
Seriously, how low is is possible for standards to drop?

I suspect in a couple of months there will be a new thread about how he has moved in and how it still isn't working out .....

Why doesn’t he move in with his brother who lives next door to him? Or did that not happen, there is no next door brother, and the 3 under 5 year old children going to be left alone overnight when this absolute loser was going to come to the hospital to support you? This relationship has disaster written all over it.

You’re 38, OP. Wake up, shake this loser off and be wiser in 2025.

what? Obviously his brother lives next door to him under the same landlord who owns the building so clearly not an option?

You're 38??? God, I assumed early 20s.

oh sorry I didn’t realise only early 20s had problems. Sorry my bad

It's clear that the point she is making is at 38 we would expect you to make better choices. You can continue to respond selectively all you want the fact still remains that you've tied yourself to a useless lazy man and continue to make excuses instead of making the right but tough decision to leave him.

The fact that you see nothing wrong with bringing a child into this mess makes us question how you can be 38 and still make such obviously flawed childish decisions.

'Not having kids with...'

I wouldn't be spitting on him if he was on fire!

He is a terrible excuse for a human being

@Dinero86 What exactly is loveable?

I'm not sure you know what 'really good' looks like. It's just 'really good' to you in comparison to what you've experience

Really good is a partner who loves and respects you.
Who pulls his weight (and often more)
Who puts you first.
Who works hard to make sure he's doing all he can so that the two of you, in conjunction, have a good life
Who doesn't abandon his previous family and does what he can to provide for them

There's more

He's none of this

Nope, but I'd assume nobody over that age would be immature enough to try to bring a child into such a shit show.

Your husband and you (if you still want to be involved) need some advice about how to parent. Your area should have an education adviser team who can help. It sounds like mum has messed the kid up and letting him totally have his own way is dad's method of helping.

You need some support @Dinero86 for yourself. You're grieving and you're in a relationship with someone who is already cold towards you and is showing clear warning signs of domestic abuse.

Look at the history here

• You have no family
• He behaved beautifully at the beginning of the relationship and charmed you
• He's now moved miles away from his three kids to be with you
• You're being used as an additional carer for his kids especially the one with special needs
• He's sponging off you financially
• He games and smokes weed all the time
• He won't parent his kid (because he's hoping you'll step in)
• He doesn't care that his children are being neglected by their mum - presumably because he's too busy gaming and smoking weed
• When you've tried to intervene his behaviour got him arrested
• After which he broke his bail conditions almost immediately
• And then he didn't even support you when you had a miscarriage

Throw the whole man away. This will only get worse. The next step is that he moves in with you (which you will pay for) then he moves his neglected kids in with you (for you to take care of - and I'm sure they've got behavioural challenges as a result of their care to date), and then he continues to smoke weed and game all day and eventually becomes physically violent.

I have actually found some strength and left him today. It turned really abusive but u stuck to my guns. I’m going to really try now to stay away.

Good

Wow well done op!

Are you somewhere safe?
Prioritise earning and being in a safe place. Be careful that you don't need to go back out of financial necessity.

Don't tell him where you are. Block him. If he still harasses you, report him to the police. That's what they are there for.

One day at a time!
Good luck in your new freedom.
Don't forget to reach out for help to organisations like womens aid.

Please also make a statement to the police if he was I'm any way physically abusive or threatened you. That needs to be on record somewhere.

Never play nice or try to compromise with his sort. They take it as weakness. And they attack weakness.

If he threatens suicide or any of that shit, do not reply, simply call the non emergency police number and let them know the situation. They can decide what to do. He's only looking for a rise out of you.

Be aware he may try get to you through other people. Eg: claim you're having a breakdown to your friends etc...

Might be worthwhile googling 'narcissist smear campaign'. So you can be prepared. Also 'narcissist hoovering tactics' (how they try to get you back). Forewarned is forearmed.

Don't accept calls from unknown numbers. Or, friend requests from unknown people/fake looking profiles in social media.

Oh and - you do not owe him meeting in person to talk. Just incase he tries to push that shit on you in time.

Abusers are not owed contact from you. Or, more chances.