Partners autistic son

[Dinero86]

So I don’t want to come across like I’m not understanding here, I just need some opinions or advice as I genuinely have no idea about this kind of thing and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship not understanding it.

so my partner is from London and moved down to Liverpool in July (off his own back I never asked for this). He has 3 children, 1 of them being an autistic 5yr old. He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum. Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son. His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem. His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him. He has currently been down for 5weeks now, hasn’t been to school or anything, in which time I had a difficult pregnancy and miscarriage and had NO support cos again - the son was down and didn’t want to go back to his mums. My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night. He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine. As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”. Haven’t been able to cuddle, sleep next to or even have sex with my partner (sorry to be graphic) I know children should always come first but I am really starting to question if I can do this, there just seems to be no boundaries or discipline or managing of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, is this a better way I could view it, what would anyone else do? I genuinely am just looking for advice as I don’t want know what to do. I can’t even speak to my partner about it as he gets defensive and starts shouting at me. He is wanting us to start a family and move in together but there’s absolutely no way I could handle this how it is.

do love this man but he is unwilling to listen or anything. Ontop of is he isn’t even going to work whilst his son is down, so I am left paying for everything for them both as he doesn’t have a penny to his name.

This might be the wake up sign that you need, to really ask yourself why you feel you love someone who does not make you a priority in their life, someone who treats you so badly, who does make

I am very sorry for your miscarriage. Please, start looking after yourself and being kind to yourself. Don't waste your love on these people who have no concept of loving you back.

It will be a short term wrench then you will find yourself wondering how on earth you put up with this for so long. Only give your love to someone who loves you back.

Well this is all rather unedifying. What the hell would any sane person see in this waste of skin? Truly baffling. 🤔

I agree, that post was disgusting. Celebrating the death of somebody else’s unborn child is a new low for mumsnet.

With regards to your boyfriend, I understand it’s hard to leave because of making you feel so loved. But it was lovebombing and was never real in the first place.

From now on, he will occasionally lovebomb you to give you false hope that things will return to the early glory days of your relationship.

He will do this just enough to prevent you from leaving, then will go cold, which will give you withdrawal symptoms for his love and make you need and crave him even more.

He will blame the times he is cold or mean to you on “mental health” to make you think if you love him even more he will get better.

This is how all abusers work, it’s textbook. Make no mistake, it’s deliberate, though he will never admit it.

Please recognise that his manipulation of your emotions is not what love is.

Her response was absolutely spot on actually. The more you defend him the more ridiculous you sound I wasn't aware of your age but now I'm even more baffled at your stupidity

My stupidity haha. Clearly a lovely woman im very glad your on here potentially speaking to women in extremely difficult situations and in dark places. The world really needs more women like you 🩷 extremely helpful and not here to just be negative xxx

Absolute spot on my stepsister is a kinship guardian for her nieces two children.
The kids literally can’t put 1 foot in front of the other. They’re so broken it’s terrible.
But she saw that in the first kid (and knew she would have the 2nd removed at birth) and then went on to have a second, it’s actual cruelty.

You’re in a very unique position here OP. In that you can see what you’re going to potentially produce before you do so.
Don’t make your life difficult, don’t create a child that’s gonna spend its life in an out of hospital, doctors, psychologists, special education units. Where’s the joy in that? How is that? A nice life for you? Never mind the potential baby.

I know you’re not listening to us
And you probably think we know nothing.
I was a single parent, but I was a single parent with a good looking intelligent man as the children’s father who paid me over a grand in child-support every month. I was able to work part time, be there for every school run. Build up my own business, buy my own houses create a secure environment.
My kids have wanted for nothing.
I just bought my 24 year old a car soshe can take her preferred job rather than one she can easily get to.
I pay their rent/bills at uni
There has literally never been an occasion where I’ve said no to them because I can’t.
I have said no to them because I don’t want a 2nd bloody dog in the house, but you get the point I’m sure.

indirect contrast my friend had three children with somebody who was earning minimum wage. Smoked weed. Braindead.
The kids live in absolute poverty. If I don’t hand it down to her son he doesn’t get it. The girls wear boys pyjamas that have been on my son her son before they even reach them.
The children have so much physically and mentally wrong with them.
They have specialist diets that cost her an absolute fortune which then takes away resources from every other aspect of their lives. Theyve never been on a holiday at the age of 10.
Don’t sign up for that on purpose.

I own my home, I drive a nice car, I have a business making enough money to support a child I’m hardly irresponsible or unable to take care of a child!

if all of that is true, why would you want an unemployed mentally unstable drug abusers baby?

It actually sounds like a soap opera.

Why do you want to spend your life with a lazy, work shy, Xbox addict, drug user who's got 3 kids with a vile women of limited intelligence who has 8 children in total. That's one hell of a list of negatives and I'm struggling to find any possible reason why you could be "in love" with this man, or worse still want his baby.

What a complete and utter fucking shambles and unless you wake up to the miserable shit show of a situation you are inflicting upon yourself nothing will change for you. Best of luck to you OP.

A decent man would t move hours away from his kids, not work, not pay his rent.

Sometimes live isn't enough op

Yeah, ONLY THREE! Get yer facts straight 🙄

The fact his son is autistic is an absolute red herring here.

You have only been together a year.

He doesn't ensure his son goes to school.
He doesn't do parenting basics like getting him to bed at a reasonable time.

He chose to move to the other end of the country away from his young kids.

He keeps his son from the resident parent who would get him to school etc. I know he's saying he doesn't want to go back but 5 year olds, especially autistic ones, don't like the change of moving round and often say that. It's his responsibility to get him back on time not the ex's job to 'make him'. It's actually very concerning and abusive behaviour that he doesn't return his son at the agreed time.

He uses you for cash when he's doesn't work of he has the excuse of his son being there ( I have 3 autistic children and work full time as does DP, any pretty much all other parents).

YOU NEED TO RUN A MILE.
Categorically don't get pregnant with him again. From his actions towards his existing children I would be surprised if social care aren't involved soon. Do you really want to bring a child into a mess like that?

You sound lovely but quite young and vulnerable. This is the same advice I would give my daughter and that I wish someone had given me before 18 years of my life were destroyed by a dickhead like that...

I might sound old and cynical but after a year together you are not deeply in love having built a life of shared experiences, getting to know all aspects of each others personalities. In any relationship there is still a large element of infatuation rather than a strong meaningful love at this early stage. From your post I don't think you have even lived together? You need to split up. You will feel sad for a bit but also free from all this nonsense, you will soon be in a lot better place.

What do your parents/siblings/close friends think of him?

I've just seen this.
Hun he has made absolute beeline for you, because of your mum if dad we're around and being good parents (whatever your age) they would be on your case to get rid.

Please leave him. You sound like you have it together, own home, business. Surround yourself with good people not him. If you have kids with him you will will lose your life to trying to undo the harm he's caused.

If you have a difficult family background (I don't know if that's what you meant, but I did have a difficult family background) you don't quite see how toxic this environment is because your sense of normal is skewed. That's how I ended up with a cunt who treated me and put kids like this for years.

Please don't think any of this is patronising. I have been where you are and want to just scream at you to run 😕

If he isn't at school and he's still on the school roll then he's classed as a child missing in education. You need to email the local council where the mum lives and state that the child (full name and dob and address) has not been in school for 5 weeks and isn't being home educated. My 5 year old doesn't even know what an X box is! This actually sounds like neglect to me.

He may have not long turned 5. Until they turn 5 there is less schools can do. They will quickly find they have attendance and social workers on the case unfortunately. (I work in a related field).

OP, I feel really sad reading your responses. People are trying to make you see the light and maybe they're not going about it in a softly softly kind of way, but that's because you need to face up to the reality.
Of course he has a "nice side" they all do. Do you think women would fall for men that were horrible 100% of the time? The "nice side" will not be the one to put you in hospital or worse. I have been through an abusive relationship as many women here have. We know it's not easy. But it is essential to your safety that you get as much distance between you and this man as possible.
You don't want to face up to the reality that you have fallen for an abusive, horrible man. But you have. If you don't get away now, it will get harder and harder the more enmeshed your lives become. And you WILL regret it. No doubt about it. He is ruining your life already, it will not get better, only much much worse.

I would pack them both back with the ex, move and change your number and block all on social media.
That weed smoking man who plays on X box is taking you for a ride. He is lazing about whilst you work and pay everything, he is your problem not his son. He not only has no boundaries to put down on his son and allows him to stay of school for 5 weeks, he has cheated on you with his ex

So, he’s stopped paying the rent two months ago and is going to be evicted?

Where is he planning to live then?

I think we all know the answer to that question

OP, please listen to what people are saying - this man is bad news. You can't save his poor kid but you can save yourself from having a child with someone who so clearly cannot and will not look after himself let alone a family. It's awful about the miscarriage and I'm sure that child would have been deeply loved - you must be in so much pain. Maybe he was kind, and maybe he still has moments, but think of how he behaves towards his child - not taking responsibility, not doing the basics of parenting like keeping him in school - is pretty revealing.

Said it before and will say it again - no one falls in love faster than a man looking for somewhere to live...
Get shot Op and fast.

You need to think about your child and what kind of father and family they will have. The potential DV and drugs will be awful and the midwives will be worried about your baby and your ability to make good decisions. And this is before baby is even born.
It's interesting that out of all of it, your main concern was that your partner was prioritising his son over you. I think therapy would be helpful for you as your need for love/attention is preventing you from making sensible choices for yourself and being able to meet your babies needs and put them first. It's not fair to bring a baby into this and they deserve more. The most important decision you will ever make is who your baby's father is. It really matters

It won’t be with me I couldn’t have him live here not with the situation with his kids and stuff. In all honesty I’m kind of hoping he moves back to London and itl make things a bit easier for me

Out of interest @Dinero86 how did you meet him? He was living in London and you are in Liverpool? How did the relationship start?

I would take this as your sign that this isn't the relationship for you.
His son should always be his first priority regardless of any additional needs. How he chooses to parent his son is up to him (and the mother).
I cannot imagine how hard life is for a 5 year old who being autistic, will have huge issues around change and routine. I expect he's in a heightened state of overwhelm constantly. No wonder he's struggling so much 😞