Divorce SUCKS

[WineNeededPlease]

My Husband has multiple affairs, just about destroys my mental sanity and I'm the one that will potentially lose my home and have to downsize with two children and start again.

However, he earns mega money and can be pleased to go on and live life and rebuild to the level we've been at.

It seems so unfair that men can do this...

Quick call from a divorce lawyer and turns out I really cannot afford to leave him and will probably have to keep trying until I break in half. 😔

*shouldn't stay!

Well - he may be running around trying to soothe his soul after being raised by a cold uncaring mother.

Or, he may be running around giving payback after being raised by a cold uncaring mother ("you can't have" me kind of thing).

Or, he may be running around enjoying because he enjoys the thrill and danger...

Or, the cold uncaring mother may have been a woman who just could not manage...

Or, he may be wanker who won't/can't sort himself out and be an adult.

But you are. And why suffer like this? Why suffer for this?

@andIsaid this is so insightful. I do wonder how much he hates and disrespects women because of his mother... I suspect there is a real mother wound there. Not that he will ever acknowledge it. But I know his therapist has suggested.

Hates a strong word! Not hate! Just maybe doesn't respect?

Turns out he's cheated on everyone. Every relationship.

@WineNeededPlease It really is your choice at the end of the day. I couldn't stay with someone who had multiple affairs. I couldn't stay with someone who had one but multiple I wouldn't even entertain the thought for one minute.

Hand on your heart, do you think he would be capable of change?

Can't you get a 2 bed flat inthe same area with your new job and your divorce settlement?

There was a thread on x asking why women aren’t having children anymore.

This post, this is it.

@WineNeededPlease just remember the reason you divorce someone is not because they are a bad Dad (umpire saying your DH is a good dad and I believe you), it's because they are bad HUSBAND.
He will still be a (good) Dad, or he can choose to still be one, after divorce....

I’m glad you are forming a plan. But look, if he is going to be distraught at you leaving, why hasn’t he taken seriously your pain and deep distress over the period of time since you found out about the infidelity? These events have all been brought about by choices he has made, and not just once but repeatedly, over and over again.

You will be so much stronger than you think. And so much better off once you don’t have this emotional torment to deal with.

I think you're right with this. He really is a good Dad, and he's everything I would have wanted growing up.

He is away because he's working constantly to provide financial stability. Not because he doesn't want to be home.

He will regularly let me go away for a girls weekend and has no qualms in having them. He always offers to do bedtime, bathtime, morning drop offs. He does brekkie every single morning and lets me have a lie in - especially when I've got the youngest all day and no childcare currently. Even though he's working long hours too.

He has been a bad husband. He is truly ashamed of behaviours but it's soul destroying when it happens.

Just on the below - obviously he has worked away a lot too so he used to be away for multiple days of the week. I think that's where the emotional affairs started.

I was home alone for days on end, he was lonely... I was lonely. I'm not making excuses but part of me understands.

OP the longer you stay in this limbo the worse it is for your DCs. They should be your first priority.
Staying with a man who has emotionally and physically cheated on you for so long is not good for them to witness and believe me they will sense your unhappiness and confusion. Also, do you really want to wait until they are 18, learning that the way their father treats you is the normal way to treat women? Seriously?
You have some money and a job offer. Separate fully by moving into another home if your partner refuses to do so himself and start your divorce proceedings.
FWIW my DDs told me they wished I had divorced their father long before I actually did so I do speak with experience. I wish you lots of luck but you and your DCs will be much happier in the long run.

Why do you think they were emotional affairs? I would guess they were all sexual and he's using the 'emotional' description as some kind of excuse because he was sad, lonely etc.

It is your decision obviously how you proceed but if you accept this very selfish man he will destroy every bit of confidence you have left. Unless you played him at his own game of course see how he likes it, I would guess he wouldn't tolerate it at all.

@Gloriia that's me using the term emotional as he wasn't meeting up and shagging them.

More like an ego-boost... and yes, they were sexual nature of course. Low confidence? Ego? Who knows.

None were comforting and confiding. They were sexual but mainly texts. Basically boundary pushing! Then last year he actually did attempt to shag someone but he couldn't get it going 🤦🏼‍♀️

Don’t worry about schools at their age. They will adapt. One isn’t even there yet.

Better do it now whilst young.

I would take everything he says with a pinch of salt. If he has form for cheating in previous relationships I bet he has indeed been meeting up and having sex but 'just' sexting makes it sound like a bit of harmless fun. I also bet he could indeed get it going.

Sorry I don't want to upset you further but the first thing you must do is not believe a word he says and the second thing is to plan your escape. You surely deserve to feel happy amd secure .

I don't want to kick you when you are down but I find the desire to be a kept woman at the expense of your happiness is something that is incompatible with the idea of being a good mother. A big part of being a good mother is bringing up your children to be resilient, to be self-reliant and to understand what a good supportive relationship looks like. This is not possible when you cling to a lifestyle which is just a facade and when you are not in control of your life or your finances.
You wouldn't be on this position if you maintained your independence. I can relate to your heartbreak and fear of change but I cannot relate to you wanting to be a person who is not in charge of their destiny.
What will happen if your husband stays and kids grow up and then he will kick you out. Older, without a job experience and not entitled to anything at all. What will you do then?

I really feel for you and understand from my own experience how mind-bending it is to live with someone when you're 'separated', especially when they're also gaslighting you and you're dealing with the guilt/unknown of how it will affect the kids. Also how hard it is to consider divorcing when your own childhood was difficult.

In my experience, it took making the break for me to fully, clearly see how abusive my ex's behaviour had been and how vital it was that I did leave with our child. There was one particular event that made me do this, and though it was truly awful at the time I am actually grateful that it happened when it did. DC was 5, and I honestly think if I'd let it drag on it would have been so much worse and so much harder to address the damage done by what they'd witnessed.

I'm in a much more precarious financial situation - left with nothing, refuge and then housing association flat. Still plodding through divorce 3 years later, with him delaying/dodging all attempts to split assets. I won't lie, it's been horrible and very scary at times but sometimes the chocolate box of life offers up exclusively shit options and you just have to grit your teeth and settle for the least shit one. For a bit. I know it's unfair on you and the kids to think of uprooting and losing your home, but on balance from wat you've said here, it's the least shit option.

Okay, have you actually spoken to a solicitor or just had a free half hour, because quite a lot of what you are saying now is wrong.

You don't have the freedom to choose to be kept. Any maintenance you receive will be the difference between what you need and what you can earn. Your preference to not work isn't going to be entertained.

Clean breaks are the norm, in England (I don't know about Scotland). Him having to keep you in your current home is extremely unlikely, especially for another 15 years.

If you are being advised this nonsense by a solicitor then I can tell you they are ignoring at least a decades' worth of case law.

@Catza

That should hurt more and I just resonate with this. I think you're so right. What the fuck am I doing 😔

Thank you for this. I'm so, so sorry you've been through this. ❤️

@ShinyShona

I honestly value your time to comment on my thread but I have found some of your comments a bit harsh. I'm more than willing to put my hands up but I just cannot handle the brashness of some of your comments.

I may be in the wrong and I apologise but I'm very weak right now and barely holding on, so please go easy with some of the things you are saying.

Downsize and get out, no point in having a big house you're miserable in

You are grieving and you still live with someone who you supposedly have separated from. Your recovery starts with day one of no contact. When you are at that point, you will see things more clearly.
I'd encourage you to create some distance from your husband. And maybe also reflect on the fact that you don't grieve the loss of him or your relationship. You grieve the loss of imaginary life you could have had together. But it is just that...imaginary. I know it sounds like "that old chestnut" but would therapy be helpful at this point?

@Catza

Apologies to comment on this again but my Mother had this entire thing about being a strong woman and setting example. She was awful. She married over and over. Everyone did her wrong. She was almost too strong in my opinion... she was obsessed with being a strong woman and it gave me a different view. So I guess I'm just very lost.

I'm in therapy though and she's incredible. I have a wonderful and huge amount of friends. I will be fine, I just don't have the answers.

I do always really appreciate these long and thought out replies. It's lovely.

Thank you to everyone who has commented. Sometimes I wonder how I'll get through but I know it'll all be okay in the end.