Divorce SUCKS

[WineNeededPlease]

My Husband has multiple affairs, just about destroys my mental sanity and I'm the one that will potentially lose my home and have to downsize with two children and start again.

However, he earns mega money and can be pleased to go on and live life and rebuild to the level we've been at.

It seems so unfair that men can do this...

Quick call from a divorce lawyer and turns out I really cannot afford to leave him and will probably have to keep trying until I break in half. 😔

Thank you. ❤️

I do wonder if I am trauma bonded. I just can't seem to see it clearly.

@WineNeededPlease what do you answer when he says 'Please forgive me'? Have you tried asking him why he thinks you should forgive him? You don't have to be confrontational or nasty and it sounds like hes the sort of man who will never change, but by asking a question of him, you are taking a power step however small, and building some armour.

He is trying to change your mind because he doesn’t want to lose the home, the boys and you taking care of his needs it’s not because he has seen the light. He wants to carry on cheating and grinding your self esteem into the ground whilst appearing to others he is a faithful husband and a great family man. He enjoys the deceit and cheating and feels nothing but contempt for you because he is a cunt. That’s not love, he wants the convenience of you, he doesn’t want to lose money when if he can change your mind with sweet nothings he can carry on as before.

There's a lot of tears and upset. He's in therapy.

It's mainly emotional cheating and last year he did sleep with someone (or attempted to). For me it's actually all the lying and making me feel like I'm insane.

I'm just torn between yes he's done these bad things, but I'm not perfect.

Have you ever cheated ?

@WineNeededPlease no one is perfect but you aren't blaming someone else for your imperfections or asking for them to be forgiven! Its this treatment of you which compounds his deceit. I wish someone could take your hand (in real life) and guide you through this horrible time. x

It was the lying that finished it for me tbh, I realised that I couldn’t trust a single word he said, and that it’d be like that forever…you can’t base a strong relationship on that…plus I worked out his tears were all for himself, about what he was about to lose as he’d gone too far and he knew it…

could you insist on a trial separation and see how you feel then? I knew as soon as he left, as I said up thread, but when I first suggested it I really didn’t know. You need space to think…

Your kids aren't at critical ages (I.e. doing GCSEs etc), now is the perfect time to move.

If you have a chunk of equity in a London home, you could probably afford to buy a house outright somewhere else in the country and be mortgage free.

The likelihood is that your ex will only want the kids EOW or similar, he won't be pitching in with school runs, so you don't need to live near him.

Divorce, get your own place and own life and financial independence. In a couple of years your DC won't even remember this part of their lives.

I agree, and could have posted, every word of the above.

The amount of lying BOTH my parents did during my childhood is off the fucking scale, and what makes it even worse is that my mother is a Catholic, and forced myself and my two brothers to go to Mass every single Sunday ...right up until I left home at 21!

My mother had a supportive, extremely wealthy family who disliked my father and would have supported her to leave my father, so she had zero excuse not to do so. At the end of the day, holding on to her house was more important than the happiness and mental health of her three children.

You will fuck them up if you stay.

As others have said, the reason they are so attached to him is because he is less available than you.

It's like when you were younger and dating, you always used to want the "bad boy" who played hard to get, rather than the nice lad who treated you well. It's because you want the validation of love from someone who isn't as forthcoming with it and so you think it means more....

Why do you feel sorry for him?!
He is cheating, working and making a lot of money. He has the freedom to carry on all of this at leisure. How did he become a "poor guy" in your mind?

'Sorry to drip feed but he's not a deadbeat Dad in the slightest. He's a very, very good Dad. He's just a cheater (emotional mainly and then did sleep with someone last year). He has caused a lot of hurt and a lot of distrust. But he is not a bad father at all.'

But he isn't a good Dad. It isn't about school drop offs and playing with kids it is about creating a solid, secure happy home for dc. He isn't doing that so she is a very inadequate Dad which you must keep telling yourself.

You absolutely are. And (sorry to say it) but are using your children and how much they love their dad as your excuse to stay.

OP - if your kids were 10 years older and knew that their dad was cheating on their mum, do you think they would still feel the same about him?

The reality is, you don't want to leave him because you don't want to be on your own. It is understandable when you are married and have children with someone but don't confuse your reasons for staying. Your sons will be far better off with a happier and more content mum. Not one who is begging their dad not to cheat on her.

It is quite common that people feel sorry for and love their emotional abusers. What op needs to do is recognise yes she loves him but she deserves to feel secure and happy.

It isn't easy op. Be brokenhearted with him or brokenhearted without him. For your dc's sake you should choose the latter and teach them what a happy home really is and that it is not lies and deceit.

You just sound desperate @WineNeededPlease and it's really sad to hear you say what a good dad he is.

He isn't really, he doesn't spend much time with them and when he does it's the fun stuff not the daily grind.

He works hard and that takes him away from spending time with his family. He contributes financially but not emotionally.

Your children cling to him because he's barely present.

A good dad doesn't cheat on his children's mum and lie to her.

His tears are crocodile tears, manipulation to get you to stay so his comfortable life isn't disrupted.

@WineNeededPlease

"It's the classic, never lose your financial independence. I've been so fucking stupid."

Please don't beat yourself up over this- you weren't to know that your DH would be a serial cheating scumbag.

But it's a good lesson to other women contemplating marrying someone significantly wealthier than them and dreaming about being a "kept woman " - there is a major downside about loss of independence.

The fact that your husband has had multiple affairs suggests to me that he knows financially you can't afford a divorce and so he is effectively free to carry on with these affairs.

Your choice is to either divorce and accept a significant drop in your lifestyle or turn a blind eye / block out his behaviour whilst building a financial escape tunnel.

However you do it, and be prepared for a harder life... get out of that marriage! It will do the kids no good to have money but a terrible home environment and a broken mother.

This is what irks me a little bit. It doesn’t have to be A harder life it really doesn’t.
Women are capable of amazing things and so many of the obstacles have been removed since I had little little children so it’s now easier for you to go get it.
I have thousands of women in my network that could walk out of their house tomorrow with nothing but the clothes on their back and within two years they’d be fine. Different but absolutely fine.

Surely the default position of any parents separating should be 50/50?

Yes, this , my comment was lacking the statement, harder life for a bit. Thanks for pointing it out 😊

This is what you need to do.
Find a way to do it, if you.can't go yet.

Rather than give it to a solicitor 🙌🏻

Sorry OP but his IS a bad father because HE is the one making the choice to cheat so if the family is 'broken up' it is HIS fault, even if you are the one to initiate that.
YOU love your kids enough to stay with a cheater. HE doesn't love his kids enough to have not cheated. He is not a good father just because he can drive them to school and be fun when he's not working. The choices he made are damaging for his family including the children, he put himself and what he wanted ahead of what was best for them! He has brought instability into their home life, not you.
Stop making excuses for him.
The longer you take to leave the harder it will be start afresh. 2 & 5 are very adaptable ages, barely into school, they will manage with any changes.
My parents separated when I was 2 and I have zero memory of any of it, afterwards was my normal and all I've ever really known.

You are divorcing him when your sons are at an age they are mostly unaware, and in years to come won’t remember living with dad. You are making sure they don’t have to live in a toxic environment because as they get older they will notice and it’s best for you and your boys future to leave behind STBX now.
Your STBX has never put you all before his cheating, he feels it’s his god given right to treat you like shit on his shoes, he doesn’t care how it impacts you all. He only cares about himself and gets off on the lies and secrecy, he enjoys you finding out about the affairs, your devastation, you trying so hard to get him to love and respect you. He then makes empty promises, knowing you are desperate for your marriage to work so that your boys grow up in a happy family. He uses your insecurities against you, he enjoys every minute of it like a cat toying with its prey.
You're the only one who has the power to end this shit show of a marriage and ensure your Dc and yourself of a happy, stable future. X

Honestly ... move, start again, you have young children who will adapt just fine (I moved mine continents at that age) and I doubt he'll even object. How much equity/lump sum are you likely to be able to get? You may be able to buy outright elsewhere. I have a neighbour who has traded in her London home for a 3 bed townhouse with no mortgage following divorce, lovely area, great schools but not London