Divorce SUCKS

[WineNeededPlease]

My Husband has multiple affairs, just about destroys my mental sanity and I'm the one that will potentially lose my home and have to downsize with two children and start again.

However, he earns mega money and can be pleased to go on and live life and rebuild to the level we've been at.

It seems so unfair that men can do this...

Quick call from a divorce lawyer and turns out I really cannot afford to leave him and will probably have to keep trying until I break in half. 😔

@WineNeededPlease I am 30 years on from where you are.

I got a job (that was a good first step because it meant that nursery / childcare arrangements were already in place and that the costs were established which helped all the financial assesments). I may have got more maintenance if I'd not been working but I'd also have been more beholden to ex and I know he would have used that against me.

I left our beautiful home in a lovely place and moved into a rented flat. It was hard, especially moving away from friends, but it was close to beautiful (free) botanic gardens and a huge park, and my dc both have really fond memories of all the time we spent at those places, we still go to visit. They are good memories not bad ones.

Two years later I had the money for a deposit and bought my own place. I was in heaven. It was very different from my former family house, but it was just right for me. I felt like I had refound myself, my purpose, my confidence. I could also give my dc the genuine warmth of a home that was filled with love. I could give them the role model of a parent who was content and stable and pricipled.

Much later I met my 2nd dh, and my dc love him and have a great relationship with him. He is a fantastic grandad to my dc's dc.

Meanwhile ex goes from relationship to relationship, ever younger women. None of them last. Dc love him and see him but there is a lot of eye-rolling at his behaviour.

One of my adult dc's (who is a parent) recently went through a breakup with their partner. It was sad but my dc said their childhood experience had shown them that 'a broken home' didn't have to be a lesser home or something that would ruin a child's life. And they thanked me for giving them that. It moved me to tears. You had a different experience, but you can break that cycle and provide the best for the children whom you love.

You are in a whirlwind of emotions, which is understandable. But you need to get practical. Get a job sorted out (if that's what you want). Get your finances in a row. Get a full understanding and copies of documents relating to your joint finances. Look at what homes might be possible under differing financial scenarios. Get planning. And get dreaming - of a life where you are loved and respected by your children, your friends and everyone that you choose to be in a relationship with (family friends etc).

This isn't love, you don't treat someone like this.

You said up thread that the last ten years have been really bad because of this relationship and you are in therapy.

FFS op, what more self evidence do you need?

Take the job, get yourself back to financial independence.

Willing to bet you'll feel so much better.

I'm a lone parent, have been for 15 years, believe me, children are a lot better and happier when the mum is and there is no shitty relationship modelling.

I moved out of London, into Oxfordshire when my DD15 was 3, best move I ever made.

@Starlight1979

You're right. It's just terrifying. I feel like such a failure and I'm so worn down and exhausted. The thought of making this a formal separation and even a divorce is terrifying. I really do love him.

I feel sorry for him because his Mum is very cold and I think he's always chasing women's validation and approval via emotional cheating.

We have been trial separated for a few months. But it's not very 'formal' as we often share a bed, go out for dinners, eat together a lot of the time when he's home, he cuddles me and kisses me. It's hard. He's in therapy and begging for another chance.

His family know we are trial separating... I think the idea was to separate for a while so I could breathe and stop searching/panicking he was up to no good. To rebuild the trust. To almost put the relationship in a coma so the heart could heal. However, it's nearly been a year and I just feel like I'm in limbo.

I don't want to be and live without him. I do feel sorry for him. I'm so torn. My heart just feels like it's breaking.

That's a cruel thing to say if you mean that I'm pathetic. I'm already on my knees.

I do wonder about this. I worry he enjoys being caught, the chastising of it... the thrill, the danger.

He has only had one affair (only saw her a few times and slept together once). The others are one off things, still cheating in my eyes.

The affair was last year so it's definitely been building and getting worse. I think he needs help. I want to help him but I think me staying means he won't ever get the help he needs.

This hits hard because it feels so true. Like a cat with its prey. 😢

You are feeling sorry for him? For having an affair? Your trial separation isn’t a separation if you share a bed, go out for dinner and he is kissing and cuddling you! He is doing everything he can to sabotage you leaving plus your saying you don’t want to live without him.
He has been having emotional affairs so he has been actively looking for a woman to connect on a deep level, a life partner as he feels he hasn’t that got at home. He will be forever looking to fill the void inside him forever, no woman will be enough. It’s one thing feeling sorry for him but as he has had a few emotional affairs and one sexual affair I think it’s time you looked back at the last 10 years and ask yourself if that’s what you want for the future.

You are not pathetic. It is very diffcult to upend your whole life (and your children's lives).

It is very easy for people to say LTB but it is you who will have to do it not them.

It is only recently that women leave men for having mistresses (they still don't in France) so you will not be the first to stay and definitely not the last.

The problem is, it looks like you cannot turn a blind eye to it. It is killing you. Only you can decide what you want to do, but from what you are saying, you cannot go on like this.

No I didn't mean that at all, sorry I can see how it came across.

More that you really want it to work with DH but it means that you're denying yourself the reality of what sort of person he is.

I know we only have your words to go by, but even though you are trying to be fair to him as a good man, a good dad, it's not convincing to us looking from the outside.

I work in a law firm but not as a solicitor. I'm struggling to understand why you are fighting against a clean break when you have your own money and are capable of having a good job but like I said, I don't have all the details of your personal circumstances and I'm working on averages. Your solicitor presumably knows something that I don't.

That said, you keep on changing your story which doesn't help; your original post says that a lawyer told you that you couldn't afford a divorce and now you are saying you can. It's hard to predict an outcome when the facts keep changing.

London used to have a reputation for being a bit poor when it came to applying the clean break principle though. Although in my experience well paid people were quite good at engineering their own clean breaks when they want one either by temporarily "losing" their job or moving abroad to a jurisdiction where it is hard to enforce an English court order! I don't work in London so I don't know what it's like there right now.

Some solicitors do tend to exaggerate what they can do too although if he is reputable that might not be the case. However, I've lost count of the weaker financial parties I've seen who lose significant amounts on legal fees chasing the impossible because their solicitor thought they could get the stronger party to cave. My advice to the stronger party is always to keep fighting and fighting and fighting because solicitors' tactics when representing the weaker party is to push their luck.

@ShinyShona

I can't afford to leave him wasn't meant in an overall financial sense. It was used colloquially.

You can technically afford to leave with £100 and clothes in a bag if you really want to. I wasn't comfortable with the financial outcome and my return back to work etc.

Why would I want a clean break? I would prefer to stay in my home and have him keep me and the kids here until they leave school. But that's my preference. Clean breaks are usually Scottish Law. Not English. Unless you're based in Scotland?

It's not realistic and I understand that. But what I want and what the reality is doesn't have to align, hence my frustration.

@TiramisuThief

No problem. Thank you for clarifying. I know I probably am pathetic so it stung a little.

I know people think I am, I'm aware of the fact people must think I'm absolutely pathetic. In real life too, which is brutal. I'm only trying to be a good Mother.

It is a fallacy to think that problems are what mess a person up.

After all, a successful life depends on the ability to solve problems when they arise (which they do, all the time).

You watched the hell of your parents, not because of the problem that they wanted to break up, but because they could not/did not deal with the problem properly.

That is what messes things up.

You have constructed an ideal of a life that you would like to give your boys; there is nothing wrong with that and a lot right with it.

But in this case it will involve them witnessing the ritual humiliation of their mother by their father. Witnessing the profound sadness of their mother because she is not treated with dignity or respect.

But hey, the family will be together. In a nice house.

That is the pay off.

What do you think they will post in 15 years time?

Of course. I think you're right and I think this runs much deeper than me.

He's has always cheated on previous partners too. This came out when I confessed to a mutual friend of ours that he's had an affair.

I feel sorry for him because his Mum is very cold and I think he's always chasing women's validation and approval via emotional cheating.

Maybe.

Or maybe he will be on a life long journey of payback to females...

@andIsaid I agree. And actually I would have failed if my two ever cheat. It would kill me to the core, especially knowing I put up with it.

Why would I want a clean break? I would prefer to stay in my home and have him keep me and the kids here until they leave school. But that's my preference. Clean breaks are usually Scottish Law. Not English. Unless you're based in Scotland?

Clean breaks are extremely common in the England, in fact I don't know anyone who has got divorced and not had a clean break. There's not a chance I would have got divorced without one.

Not sure where you are getting your info from but most judges will arrange a 'clean break'. It's not in anyone's best interest to stay financially tied to someone post-divorce. Could also go in your favour if you are the weaker party financially as you may walk away with more of the assets.

Would you mind clarifying your point please? Sorry, I don't understand it but would like to.

Okay, this is interesting. Thank you. My calls have been purely short and exploratory. So maybe I need to put together the financial sheet he's sent over and get a proper meeting in.

If this helps you OP from Mediate UK - Reasons a clean break is sensible:

If you do not get a clean break, it can leave you vulnerable to future financial claims by your former spouse, even after the divorce has been finalised.
They may be able to make claims on any assets you acquire after the divorce.

For example, if you were to receive an inheritance or win the lottery after your divorce, they could argue that they are entitled to a share of these assets because, without a clean break order, you are still financially tied to them – even many years after your divorce has been completed.

Similarly, if you were to re-marry and acquire new assets with your new spouse, your ex could make a claim on these assets if you did not have a clean break in place. This could potentially lead to ongoing legal battles and financial uncertainty, which could be emotionally and financially draining, making it difficult for you to move on with your life.

A clean break order will ensure that your financial ties between you are clearly defined and finalised and that you can move forward with your life knowing that there are no more lingering obligations or entanglements.

I would. I get some proper advice, make sure you get everything you're entitled to and get a clean break so you can move on. But I'm not a legal expert - just someone who has been divorced!

@CandiedPrincess

Thank you.

So, the person I spoke to is a Partner and one of my friends who is also a Partner in a different law firm referred him. He gave me advice as a friend of a friend but it needs to be in my depth.

They've just sent me an email requesting all financial information and a face to face meeting to discuss at length. He has referred me onto someone else who specialises directly in this.

Therefore I really need to get all the information. Looks like a very expensive fact finding mission.

I feel sick 😔.

Just take your time and get it right. There's no immediate rush or panic is there? Get all the right information.

I just feel like half of me is level headed: get all the advice, start planning, I should divorce, I don't want my children to end up with the same behaviour or damaging them. This thread has been very helpful in making me understand that you should stay on behalf of the children.

The other half: desperately wants it to all go away, do couples therapy and bury my head in the sand.

Please tell me this is normal.

I feel so guilty doing this behind his back. (And I know, I know... he never felt guilty lying to me and deceiving me).

Yes, exactly. Thank you. And I think I'll feel strong knowing I have a plan and I'm working towards something. I just feel terrible, he's going to be distraught when this final ends. I don't think he really believes I'd ever do it because I grew up in such a broken home.