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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorce SUCKS

212 replies

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 18:48

My Husband has multiple affairs, just about destroys my mental sanity and I'm the one that will potentially lose my home and have to downsize with two children and start again.

However, he earns mega money and can be pleased to go on and live life and rebuild to the level we've been at.

It seems so unfair that men can do this...

Quick call from a divorce lawyer and turns out I really cannot afford to leave him and will probably have to keep trying until I break in half. 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:26

@TiramisuThief that comment hits hard. I really needed that. Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
azafata2 · 17/12/2024 21:27

Ok. Deep breathe. Control the things you can. What can you control and do right now?

Louve · 17/12/2024 21:27

So sorry to hear you are going through this. You and your children deserve better - there is no justification to ever cheat.

You WILL rebuild a new, happier life with your kids - they are very adaptable at this age. It will take some time and some adjusting, but you will. Lean on any bit of support you can get.

The financial part is the scariest part and a real thing, but you will adapt and so will your children. Your husband should also pay you a good amount of childcare.

Some of my happiest and most well-rounded friends grew up sharing bedrooms with all of their siblings. Sending you big hugs.

Original poster
WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:27

Thank you for all these lovely comments. I genuinely feel like the most broken person that kind comments on Mumsnet have hit hard and make me feel quite tearful. I've really done my best 😔

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 17/12/2024 21:28

They want him because he's a novelty because he's never there. Staying for them is the worst thing you can do. They will see him treat you like shit repeatedly and think this is normal behaviour, they will then repeat that behaviour in their own relationships. You are not remotely helping them by staying you are showing them you deserve better. They will be much better children because you left and lived a happy life without their arsehole father grinding you down daily.

azafata2 · 17/12/2024 21:28

Are you not in the UK or have I missed that?

azafata2 · 17/12/2024 21:29

Sorry if I have...

MyPithyPoster · 17/12/2024 21:29

The first thing I wish I done differently is saved up have some cash, it doesn’t even need to be a lot. I had an overdraft of two grand and that saw us through the worst of it.
But it would’ve been nice to have had another two grand for the first month rent and deposit as well.

I wish I’d started selling all the things that I ended up having to leave behind so I could only really grab a suitcase for me one each for the kids and the baby stuff was in a rack sack. I could’ve sold off the prams, the engagement ring a lot of of the furniture to raise money to use for me instead of having to leave it. It probably ended up in a skip.
I wish I’d put on a better game face in front of the children. They did see me cry and they didn’t need to and I really regret that.
I regret every fucking tear I ever shed, even though I was crying for the life I was about to lose not him as a person.

GivingitToGod · 17/12/2024 21:29

Things will get better OP. It's scary when you feel like you are on the edge and about to lose it. Moment by moment, please make sure you are taking care of yourself, eating and sleeping etc
What shines through all your posts is the overwhelming love you have for your children and how their wellbeing is your priority. That will never change and will see them through

Original poster
WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:30

strawberry2017 · 17/12/2024 21:28

They want him because he's a novelty because he's never there. Staying for them is the worst thing you can do. They will see him treat you like shit repeatedly and think this is normal behaviour, they will then repeat that behaviour in their own relationships. You are not remotely helping them by staying you are showing them you deserve better. They will be much better children because you left and lived a happy life without their arsehole father grinding you down daily.

I just so desperately don't want to fuck them up. I want them to be happy and free and have no burdens... I watched my parents go through this and it was awful. I just feel like I've totally ruined their lives.

OP posts:
MyPithyPoster · 17/12/2024 21:30

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:30

I just so desperately don't want to fuck them up. I want them to be happy and free and have no burdens... I watched my parents go through this and it was awful. I just feel like I've totally ruined their lives.

Show quote history

YOU haven’t. Part of being a good father is not sticking your penis in other women that aren’t your children’s mother.

azafata2 · 17/12/2024 21:31

No. If you ruin you own mental health what do they have?

Crikeyalmighty · 17/12/2024 21:31

@WineNeededPlease ok - look at this sideways- how much equity in the house - take it- put 6 or 12 months down and rent somewhere as nice as you can within reason without going over the top - make things nice for you all - then take the child maintenance which will be decent if he's a mega earner, top up with any money left from equity , get a job and then reassess in 12 months- at that point look at shared ownerships if earning decently and have a decent deposit at that point still -- but within an area that doesn't mean total uprooting -

Original poster
WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:32

GivingitToGod · 17/12/2024 21:29

Things will get better OP. It's scary when you feel like you are on the edge and about to lose it. Moment by moment, please make sure you are taking care of yourself, eating and sleeping etc
What shines through all your posts is the overwhelming love you have for your children and how their wellbeing is your priority. That will never change and will see them through

I really appreciate this. Honestly, they are my only priority. I just want them to not be ruined by this. I don't know what's the right thing to do.

Thank you for your kind words.

OP posts:
azafata2 · 17/12/2024 21:33

Hey, You have a way out. Take it. Scary but no more negative in the situation you are in.

Original poster
WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:33

@GivingitToGod my parents were pretty selfish and went on to remarry multiple times and it was just awful. Me and my brothers are so close but so mentally affected by it. I just couldn't imagine inflicting that same pain.

My eldest is so sensitive and lovely. I worry about him and how he's going to take this.

OP posts:
azafata2 · 17/12/2024 21:34

All the more reason to act on this.

Original poster
WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:35

Yes. I basically married my cheating father. My mum says this is history repeating itself...

OP posts:
TiramisuThief · 17/12/2024 21:35

I see so many women on these boards agonising desperately about the right thing to do for their children when they have a let down of a husband and are really unhappy.

I don't think their DHs have ever spent even a minute going through the same emotional wringer when they shag about, spend weeks away from home and generally please themselves.

@WineNeededPlease you have got this! You love your babies and a happy mum means happy children. Don't let your DH grind you down.

turbonerd · 17/12/2024 21:36

Don’t wait.
I waited and that was the stupidest thing I have ever done.
(Besides not running a mile in the opposite direction when I first met my ex).

Much better to do it while they and you are young.
Yes, the boys will miss their Dad. But he is not dead, he is simply in a different house. They’ll see him when they see him.

researchers3 · 17/12/2024 21:38

Leave now while they're young.

I'm going to say don't go 50 50 with the children. He will need to pay you maintenance and you can also claim universal credit to top of uour income. Get any job, you can work your way up to some better and increase your hours as your children get older.

You'll be fine.

DeepRoseFish · 17/12/2024 21:40

Take the job file for divorce and sell the house. If you haven’t got your mental health you haven’t got anything. It is a big mistake to stay for the money.

azafata2 · 17/12/2024 21:42

You are so aware. You are fantastic. Please do not doubt yourself. I know it is so difficult because you have been manipulated with life's messages that is makes you weak, bad. I cannot think of anything more strong and courageous than physically giving birth. The strength and physical endurance it takes. You now need to transfer that memory and strength into you actual life. If you can do that you are strong, resilient and amazing! Imagine putting that felling into what you have to do now! Don't forget it.😎

DeepRoseFish · 17/12/2024 21:46

HUGE mistake to stay for the kids

AngelinaFibres · 17/12/2024 21:57

TiramisuThief · 17/12/2024 21:35

I see so many women on these boards agonising desperately about the right thing to do for their children when they have a let down of a husband and are really unhappy.

I don't think their DHs have ever spent even a minute going through the same emotional wringer when they shag about, spend weeks away from home and generally please themselves.

@WineNeededPlease you have got this! You love your babies and a happy mum means happy children. Don't let your DH grind you down.

You are so right. My exhusband left for a 17 year old girl when our children were 3 and 2. His statement justifying this was "Well I want to do what I want,when I want. I can't do that with children, so I'm afraid I just have to leave". The thing is those children are now 30 and 32. Both are married, one has 2 little boys. They live a few minutes drive away from the very lovely house I live in with my fabulous second husband. We've been married now for 21 years. We took early retirement and are having a ball. Exhusband's shiny new life went to shit and he killed himself in a cheap hotel. Op your children will look at how their father behaves and make up their own minds as they grow. What you currently have is a gilded cage. Living in one of those is vastly over rated.