Divorce SUCKS

[WineNeededPlease]

My Husband has multiple affairs, just about destroys my mental sanity and I'm the one that will potentially lose my home and have to downsize with two children and start again.

However, he earns mega money and can be pleased to go on and live life and rebuild to the level we've been at.

It seems so unfair that men can do this...

Quick call from a divorce lawyer and turns out I really cannot afford to leave him and will probably have to keep trying until I break in half. 😔

Sorry, I must sound so focussed on just the house.

I just feel beside myself. I know people navigate this all the time but when it's you (and I've had plenty of adversity) I just want to scream. It's so fucking horrendous. Not to mention the gaslighting and lying has me wondering if I could even have another relationship ever again.

I feel on my knees. 😔

The 5yr old will settle into a new school fine. Much harder when they're older.
Where is your husband now, is he unpleasant at home or does he keep his distance to avoid any discussion?

Better to do it now while they're young.
They'll forget things. They don't care about the house or where they live. Not in the middle of exams nor do they have long friendships.

Take the good job you’ve been offered.

Kids are adaptable at that age. Yes it’s upsetting leaving the family home. It will be hard for the next few years but you will be much better off in the long term.

@Gloriia he's at home, we're separated and living separate lives. We get on fairly well most of the time. It's not always awful.

You're so right. I'm terrified to make the jump.

Your children have you to love and care for them. You are very unhappy and deserve peace and happiness.
You are in a very dark place right now and have to deal with this in bite sized pieces. I really hope that you find the strength to make the required changes

He's also in complete denial I think.

Well, look at it this way. At the moment you have a nice house and a dick husband. When you move you will have a smaller nice house and no dick husband. Excellent state of affairs if you ask me.

Oh well that is something that there aren't arguments at home, upsetting though the situation is obviously.
Do your family and friends know?

Understandably so. Is their a close friend or family members who you can lean on during the process?.

Do you work?

Or will you need to go back to work?

You'll find your peace and freedom with your children even if it is a lifestyle change financially/materialisitically

It's worth more than anything. I left my ex who earned millions and I now live in a flat with my DS. But I'm rebuilding and will soon be in a very good financial position due to career.

It will feel liberating not having to stress/worry about an unfaithful man

The kids will be fine, they’re so young they won’t really remember the change in circumstances. Later on it would be much harder for them. I also think that being away from such a toxic relationship will allow you to recover and heal- I imagine a big part of your current state of disregulation and misery is due to the lies and dishonesty in your marriage, which is a horrible way to live.

What about your mental health OP and the message you are sending the kids?

I was the child in this. My father had repeated affairs….and children from those affairs and did not give two flying f*cks about my mother begging him to be better.

In the end she gave up. We were in a far worse position than you (as in literally no food in the house at times and spent a year technically homeless) but she said she had to leave for her self-respect and because of the message she was sending to her sons about the kind of men they should be and her daughters about what kind of treatment they should tolerate….

Fast forward years later and she is very comfortable in life, happily remarried for decades to my wonderful step-dad who was also an amazing influence on my brothers.

It sounds like financially you won’t struggle you just won’t have what you do now. What’s more important?

Also begging a man to stop cheating never works. If he wanted to stop he would have done so.

the weird thing @WineNeededPlease is that the idea of it is far, far worse than the reality. If you think too much about it you will never do it, just jump...and then you will gather momentum, with the help of your solicitor. Much better to do this now whilst the kids are young and whilst you all have time to enjoy a bright and happy future when you get to it.

You can do this I promise, it feels like shit some days, but once it's done you will feel so much better...and you will be free.

Hi

This is so emotionally charged. Try and separate the material stuff ( I know very hard) to having your own life, Scary, horrible , worrying but what you need to learn is do not invest your whole life in another person fulfilling you. Women are so bad at this even in 2024. Why is there still the "man will look after me" . You give up careers, money earning potential to always be rescued by someone else usually for women a man? I read so many posts on here I can't leave I have no income , I rely on him. He controls it / manages it and I have no independence. This is 2024. The suffragettes rallied for us. I had nothing from my parents but I cleaned toilets, cleaned hotels, worked where I could to pay my own way. No one owned me. I am now very comfortably off, in a relationship for someone for 26 years who is absolutely great. I have a fantastic income that I created without him and still work at 62. I relied on no one to make my life apart from me. Please read the story of the suffragettes. In a past life I would have been one of them. Women stop relying on men/partners to make you complete. Get yourself stronger and take control! Best to all who have read this but you need to put in the emotional and physical graft too. Come on!!!!

Also one point to add when thinking of the children, of me and my siblings - half have no recollection of my parents marriage. As far as they can remember we have lived in a single parent family.
The other half remember it clearly.

The ones who don’t remember have happy, solid healthy marriages.

The ones who do remember has struggled with relationships our entire lives and constantly repeat our parents terrible marriage.

Make of that what you will.

You can do this @WineNeededPlease , it may take adjustment but staying in a humiliating marriage where your husband is having sex with other women will eventually cause you to have a mental health breakdown . You also need to think of the role model you are portraying to your children .

As you are aware, it’s never good to give up your financial independence. I was always told that no man can ever be trusted and all women need a runaway fund . I hope you have a runaway fund?

Seriously, kids adapt and you can do better. I felt like i was being ripped apart during my divorce, ruining the family etc etc but we now have an amazing lifestyle, wayyy better than if i'd stayed as his slave. I like to think iv provided a much better example to DD this wau

I'd rather have the sanity and start again than worry about him. He'll always cheat and have a crap life regardless of how much money he has. Money doesn't buy you happiness.

In what way is he exceptional? You are not? Reframe it honey.

You make it sound so easy. You can't just earn more. Sounds like op has been the main carer and as such would've had her earnings limited

Op, it will be hard. I got legal advice not so long ago and was shocked about how I would be left. It isn't like famous people walking away with loads of cash and assets.
What you will have is your children a smaller house which is yours and yours alone and not have the worry and humiliation of a twat husband. Stay strong.

Thank you all, it's really lovely to have some support.

Friends and family have been drip fed. I honestly just feel like a failure. I'm not ready for this and feel like I can't do it. I know I can, I know I'll be fine but it just all feels so massive.

I never ever wanted this. I grew up in a pretty volatile childhood. I just didn't want my children to have the same and history literally repeating itself... why is change so hard? I just want it all to go away.

I'm so fed up of being 'strong'.

It doesn't help that when things are on the verge of breaking he becomes the best version of himself and I feel so guilty! He becomes so lovely, hands on, wonderful... but it never lasts. It's such a head fuck.

Read below - it does make you constantly question, 'is it me?' & 'am I the fuck up'!