Divorce SUCKS

[WineNeededPlease]

My Husband has multiple affairs, just about destroys my mental sanity and I'm the one that will potentially lose my home and have to downsize with two children and start again.

However, he earns mega money and can be pleased to go on and live life and rebuild to the level we've been at.

It seems so unfair that men can do this...

Quick call from a divorce lawyer and turns out I really cannot afford to leave him and will probably have to keep trying until I break in half. 😔

If you stay, you will just be delaying the inevitable.

My father cheated on my mother from when I was about 5. Constant affairs. My mother valued her marriage - and later her house - above her 3 children and our childhoods. Due to the actions of both my parents, my childhood was shit.

Six months after my younger brother turned 18, my father left for his latest affair partner. The family house had to be sold, my mother was told as a 48 year old woman she was expected to financially support herself, and once all the bank fees had been taken - my father stopped paying the mortgage the moment he left and my mother fought the divorce for 2 years - there was hardly any equity left.

35 years later my mother lives in a housing association flat on a government disability pension. I've been no contact with my father for the whole of those 35 years, I don't even know if he's still alive. I deliberately live on the other side of the world from my mother had have been very low contact with her for 25 years...it's 15 years since I last actually saw her.

Do your children a massive favour and end it now.

Leaving while they are this young is the best thing to do, especially if he is away loads anyway, they are used to him not being there.

They cling to him not because they adore him but because he is the unreliable parent. He provides no security for them so they have to scream and make him feel so very wanted to stop him ignoring them.

Also, If he's like my ex he loved to be adored when they were tiny but became a really shit parent when they developed their own personalities and didn't just blindly adore him.

A gilded cage is just that, a cage.

Odds are that these outcomes are all very, very unlikely to be honest.

Your children deserve to be raised in a loving home. I know you may think staying is what is best, but your children do sense the hostility and will have a front row seat watching their mother being treated so poorly. They will pick up on those behaviors. Is that what you want for them? You will be filled with so much regret when they do the same to their spouses one day. They are watching and learning everyday of their lives. He is their role model and they will learn his poor behaviors despite your best efforts.

Your children worship and yell for him because he is a novelty and does not offer them any security. They know they can push you away and you will still be there to love them. He is not a safe place for them so they vie for his attention and affection. Your love is a given in their lives. They don't have to earn it so they are comfortable pushing you away because mum is always there. Please do not confuse this behavior as him being a good dad. He is not a good dad, but a shit one. A good father respects the mother of their children and doesn't cheat on them. A good father would make sure you are happy and have a good life so you can use your energy to be the best mother possible. He is doing none of that.

This is not a case of working to fix a marriage and having counseling and working through issues. He simply does not care you are unhappy and is expecting you to just suck it up to maintain the status quo. He can cheat and treat you like crap and know you will just be there waiting like a dutiful wife. In a way you have been brainwashed as you find this even remotely acceptable. He knows you feel trapped and that you feel you can't leave and so he has all the power. He has no reason to change and never will. As the more years go by you will become more resentful and angry. This is not a good environment for children to live in

Take your power back OP. Leave this horrendous specimen of a man and find a new, happy life free of abuse. In a few years you will not even remember why you wanted to stay. The life waiting for you is far better than any life you would have by staying with him. Be strong and believe in yourself. You can do this.

They cling to him not because they adore him but because he is the unreliable parent. He provides no security for them so they have to scream and make him feel so very wanted to stop him ignoring them.

This is spot on.

When my child copied their dad's awful behaviour towards me (gaslighting) my heart sank. It was horrific to realise that they thought this behaviour was normal...my child was five when this happened @WineNeededPlease, so I can promise you kids do see everything even if they don't understand it.

You, and they, deserve so much better than you're getting. Take it as a complement that they ignore you - it means they don't question you being there for them, you are steady and reliable and they know that. Do the very best for them, and for you, by getting the three of you out of this situation - your love for them is what will get you through this. I also agonised about putting my DC through a divorce, like you I was so sad to have to put them through what I had been through...but there is a brighter, happier future out there I promise.

They can still adore him not living in the house with him.

Sorry to hear. This is incredibly sad 😔

I need you to be my life coach for tips on bouncing back - how inspirational!

Also with the houses - I just want to have one!

@ShinyShona why are the odds unlikely? My divorce lawyer said the same and actually stated that if I couldn't stay in the house until they were 18, which would be unlikely but not impossible because of the size of mortgage and the commitment to him, that I could keep all the equity.

Thank you for this.

It's so difficult because he is mostly lovely to me in front of the children. The cheating is all behind closed doors.

He's all 'please forgive me'.

It makes it so hard to leave.

I'm sorry to hear this, that sounds awful for you.

Are you pleased you left? Do you ever regret your decision?

I don’t have kids but I will say that with every year that passes I lose a bit more respect for my mother for not leaving my shitty father and I don’t want a lot to do with either parent. Your kids won’t thank you for staying when they’re old enough to pick up on the undertones.

I have not regretted my decision for one moment, I only regret not having done it sooner tbh! I am really pleased that I called time on the marriage, once he was out of the door for the last time I felt only huge, sweet relief, and knew that I would not take him back. There are times when I miss what I thought we had, and I have a list of the dreadful things he did to steady my resolve when I get wistful, but no, I have never regretted it, even during the toughest moments of the divorce. What you gain is so, so much more than the bricks and mortar and other material stuff you leave behind…you gain peace of mind and happiness and the knowledge that you have done absolutely the right thing for your children, for their future as young men knowing how to behave well in a healthy relationship. You can do this love, we will help xx

You could divorce him but you essentially are talking yourself out of it and turning a blind eye if you want to avoid uprooting. Can’t have it all ways. He’s been a shit and you don’t deserve it but this is the result. You’ll be happier in the long run - smaller place in same area, or move further out. You can do this x

The odds aren't great for a lot of reasons but these are the four standout ones in your case:

1. Mesher Orders are incredibly rare except by consent. Courts are well aware that these arrangements don't work well and that is especially the case when one party is unwilling. He could do all kinds of things to make life extremely difficult for you for as long as he is stuck on your mortgage, for example refusing to agree a new fixed rate and forcing you to pay a lot more interest. Also, on the flip side, he might be seen as too high an earner to need capital from the FMH but the court will still want him detached from a joint mortgage ASAP if they reach that conclusion (not least because someone attached to a mortgage with a guarantee they will have no equity will have very little incentive to ensure it gets paid).

There is enough equity in your home to leave London and buy something with a small mortgage outside of the capital. You'll be expected to do that;

2. You have said you have been offered a good job. Unless you are planning on committing perjury and claiming you cannot work, you will be expected to take this job. Regardless, it sets the benchmark for your earning capacity now on which any settlement would be based. If you have a good job, spousal maintenance or a Mesher Order are extremely unlikely.

3. Spousal maintenance is extremely rare for someone your age and you would need to prove you need it and that he can afford to pay it. That would almost certainly involve a lengthy court battle and it doesn't sound like you can afford it (and the amount you get might not even cover the legal fees, so it might not be worth it).

4. The courts will be razor focused on trying to have a clean break between you. None of the reasons you have given indicate you have a need to use his capital or mortgage capacity or to receive a share of his future income to avoid undue hardship.

I don't know what he earns or what the assets are so this is all based on averages rather than your specific case but I've not heard anything here that suggests anything other than an immediate clean break is appropriate.

It does really suck, been there. Things work themselves out though and any financial disadvantages outweigh the freedom and the possibilities that the divorce opens for you. Keep going and you will get there

The thought of change is terrifying for you, you fee guilt for upheaval your Dc will feel and are questioning yourself whether it’s the right thing to do.
You’re mourning your home and angry at your STBXH for treating you with contempt whilst he tries to sweet talk you to back down. He will never change!
You and your Dc deserve a stable life with you in a downsized property without deceit in their childhood. You have to concentrate on the bigger picture, not on the here and now.

The judges prefer a clean break now Simply because most people did not stick to the original agreement so I think they were called meshers orders. What would happen as people would get to the end of them when the children were 18 and then you’d literally be chucking granny out on the street. The RP couldn’t get a mortgage at that age. So they’d go back to court to try and fight to stay in the house which was just never gonna happen.
But actually, it’s better for you to have a clean break. One of the major reasons why most of our equity got pissed away was because the lawyers are extremely good at spending your money.
You want to take at least 60% of the equity and go and buy something anything, you don’t even have to live in it.

@ShinyShona sorry can I ask if you're a solicitor?

Because my solicitor has said mainly the opposite of what you're saying and he is highly regarded in London.

Also, you have no idea about my finances and what I can afford so why are you saying I cannot afford it? I have a fine amount of savings in my own bank account from an inheritance last year. He also just transferred me £15,000 as a top up payment so I have my own money. So as far as legal fees go, I'm completely capable of paying for my own fees.

I think a post like that can be very damaging.

Thank you for all your comments. I guess the hard line also comes down to the fact that I still really love my husband too and feel bonded to him. I feel sorry for him and would quite like all of this to just go away. Especially for my poor children.

I can well imagine that’s exactly what your solicitors said especially as he’s a high earner. They will be just seeing their Christmas bonus and you’re funding their trip to St Tropez next summer.

Don’t do it sit down with him and come up with a solution that’s fair to both of you.

The judge will want a clean break and any squabbling is just going to rack up that Legal bill for both of you. The only winners are the solicitors.

He is a cheater and spends no time with his kids so NOT a good dad. Don't let your boys grow up thinking this is how a good man treats his family. You need your own financial independence so I suggest taking the job as a first stage and finding good childcare and putting some money away for the break. Otherwise you will look round in 15 years time and discover you are still miserable and your boys will think this is a normal marriage. A smaller house is a low price to pay for you and your boys to be happy.

The Jekyll and Hyde routine is designed to keep you unsettled, you stay for the good times but pay for them with the bad stuff. It’s the cycle of abuse as was pointed out on here, and suddenly I saw my ex for what he was/is, and that was the end of it for me.

It’s horrible to realise the situation that you’re in, and that only you can change it…but it sounds like you’ve got a good solicitor so listen to him and when it’s time (he’ll tell you when, once he’s understood the financial position between the two of you) use your inheritance to put a deposit on a lovely new home for the three of you.

Because he works hard, to earn money. When he does spend time with them he is excellent. He's a brilliant Dad, and to be fair he does the school run and mornings with them most mornings. And nursery drop off so I have a morning to myself.

Sorry to drip feed but he's not a deadbeat Dad in the slightest. He's a very, very good Dad. He's just a cheater (emotional mainly and then did sleep with someone last year). He has caused a lot of hurt and a lot of distrust. But he is not a bad father at all.