MIL and the Christmas stocking

[Lumpofcoal]

Major first world problems here.

DD is 4 and is very excited about Christmas. She has a Christmas stocking, and can just about read her name written on it. She’s going to hang it up on the fireplace on Christmas Eve and firmly believes the big man in red is going to fill it with presents. (They’re just little things - she does get a bigger present but it’s from us). She also has a new little brother - he also now has a stocking with his name on it and is going to be getting a few presents just to keep up appearances (they are coincidentally things that I might find useful). DD is very excited for him too.

Out of the blue, MIL has also bought DD a personalised stocking and filled it with presents. She will be at ours for Christmas and wants to see DD open it on Christmas morning. DS hasn’t got one. DH says there is no way she can be dissuaded from her plan without causing significant hurt and offence.

MIL is fundamentally nice - she’s being generous and just wants to do the whole Father Christmas thing again. I don’t actually want to ruin Christmas for her. But what is the best way to manage this with DD? It’s more than I would actually like her to get but I can’t see a way out of MIL giving it to her. Should it be from MIL? Or Father Christmas? And why hasn’t her brother got one? What’s the best explanation for her? And am I stuck with this every year now?!

People seem to be getting very controlling these days about almost everything. They are forgetting the important things like love, relationships, family, friends. It's all what do I want for me or my nuclear family and then calling it (incorrectly) boundaries. Yet people are also stressed, overworked, more unhappy than ever. Perhaps partly because they have no real support system or network. But to have that you need to relinquish control and let other people in.

It's a stocking. It will make grandma happy and your daughter will like it. It's really not worth any angst or upset over at all. Having a "normally nice" mother, MIL and grandma is invaluable and way more important.

(And before anyone starts projecting, this is not about your narcissistic mother or dysfunctional family relationships, which are a different kettle of fish and not what I am talking about above).

It should not be from father Christmas. It should be a 'present from nanna' or whatever you call her. She can open it later in the morning. If two stockings are going to be confusing then put the contents in a gift bag. Mil need never know.

It's Mumsnet and she's your mil so obviously she's wrong!

But I can remember loving seeing my grandparents at Christmas and seeing what FC had left there for me too. It wasn't confusing. My Grandparents had also sent FC money for presents from them and he'd left them there so they could see me open them.

Stop over analysing stuff and try to remember how you felt Christmas morning when you were a child!

Also FC left my eldest a few more gifts than his baby brother for his brother's first Christmas. It's fine! Don't stress!

So she gets no say in Christmas at all, gets dragged around your relatives and you've basically said her way of doing Christmas is shit, even though your DH loved the magic of it growing up!
What a lovely DIL you are!

Maybe just maybe this is your MIL's way of trying to put a bit of joy and having a bit of a say in how her Christmas day goes!

Because you sound really overly controlling of it all!

For me, I loved my childhood traditions – the particular foods, when they were prepped, specific chores on specific days (my mum always sent us to the grocer on Christmas Eve to buy parsley, then the florist for daffodils); stuffing was made to Carols from Kings. Stockings were from Father Christmas and done on the end of the bed – waking up and reaching out and feeling the fabric of the stocking slide over the crinkle of wrapping paper was MAGIC. The same generations-old decorations for the tree, our nursery toilet paper roll angels brought down from the attic even when we were adults – traditions spark nostalgia and happiness, especially after our own parents die and all we have left is memories and feelings.

For a lot of parents of small children, I think we’re attempting to create those same traditions and rituals to evoke that same magic. Humans like rituals; small children like knowing what to expect. Some things would flex and change if we went away as an extended family for Christmas, but most traditions were portable – food, flowers, stockings. It brings comfort.

I feel like life would be easier if you didn’t make an event out non-issues. I’m an overthinker myself but honestly it wouldn’t even cross my mind that there was some kind of potential problem with this situation.

Nice of your MIL to give DD these presents. It could be an extra stocking from Santa. It could be a special gift from grandma. Doesn’t matter. DD will be happy to get the gifts. Everyone will have a nice time.

Significant hurt and offence is the excuse used for parents and grandparents all the time. It's childish, really! Why can't you have a chat with her and discuss the situation? Tell her your position on this and work out the best way for both parties

‘father Christmas must have left you 2 stockings because he can see what a wonderful big sister you are’

Dm used to wrap up a few presents and give them to me to put in my 4dc's sacks. As they got older it was always pretty obvious which were from gm!

My son in law is Muslim and this year they are going to spend Christmas at his parents' house with their young baby. Mil has really got into the swing of things despite being Muslim!