MIL and the Christmas stocking

[Lumpofcoal]

Major first world problems here.

DD is 4 and is very excited about Christmas. She has a Christmas stocking, and can just about read her name written on it. She’s going to hang it up on the fireplace on Christmas Eve and firmly believes the big man in red is going to fill it with presents. (They’re just little things - she does get a bigger present but it’s from us). She also has a new little brother - he also now has a stocking with his name on it and is going to be getting a few presents just to keep up appearances (they are coincidentally things that I might find useful). DD is very excited for him too.

Out of the blue, MIL has also bought DD a personalised stocking and filled it with presents. She will be at ours for Christmas and wants to see DD open it on Christmas morning. DS hasn’t got one. DH says there is no way she can be dissuaded from her plan without causing significant hurt and offence.

MIL is fundamentally nice - she’s being generous and just wants to do the whole Father Christmas thing again. I don’t actually want to ruin Christmas for her. But what is the best way to manage this with DD? It’s more than I would actually like her to get but I can’t see a way out of MIL giving it to her. Should it be from MIL? Or Father Christmas? And why hasn’t her brother got one? What’s the best explanation for her? And am I stuck with this every year now?!

I think your mother-in-law needs to back off. I have a new granddaughter and yes of course I would love to push the children out of the way 🤣and do it all myself! I would fully expect to be told that certain things are for them to do,not me. Being a grandmother is such a special relationship and it's completely different from the parental role.

Buying and organising the Christmas stocking is the parents' job. She should not be pushing in on this. I think you should be quite firm and say "I know how much you love her but the mum and dad do the stocking and the grandparents bring lovely gifts. Please can you give her your presents without them being in a stocking? After all, you wouldn't have liked it if your mother-in-law had taken on that role when your DC were little, would you?"

She's coming for a good place but she's not letting you have the experience that she enjoyed so much. That is selfish ultimately.

By the children, I mean my son and his wife!

Problem with this, is that it implies that MIL’s stocking is more important, and then she will do it EVERY year 😕

I never get this argument. Does it make any difference to this poor child whether their classmates Nintendo came from Santa or parents? Is it meant to make them feel better that their own parents couldn't be arsed to make any effort, rather than Santa? (Or if you prefer, are so terribly poor - although I don't believe anyone is so poor they haven't got £20 once a year for Christmas presents)

Most kids young enough to believe in Santa won't be getting anything as expensive as a Nintendo anyway ... More likely a few toys and books...can be obtained from a charity shop or off Facebook marketplace for peanuts

Ive had to take a hard line with MIL a few times over Christmas. The first time was her hanging a Baby’s First Christmas ornament on her tree, with DD’s birth year. She also did the stocking thing a separate year, wanting Santa to bring a stocking there as well and couldn’t understand why this would be confusing. She was adamant the stocking would be from Santa and not from her. DH stepped in and no, she is not your baby, she doesn’t live at your house, this is not your do-over.

@healthybychristmas thank you for your honesty

Someone else mentioned this but it’s a good argument to use: if some children get a ton of gifts from FC including expensive items, then back at school in January, those children who don’t will feel even worse- it adds a layer of guilt and shame that they aren’t nice, they’re naughty. Whereas if FC brings small gifts to people and the extra things are from our relatives, that’s different. Kids understand that not everyone can afford things, but FC is magic and affording it shouldn’t be part of that! Would Nana be open to hearing this, @Lumpofcoal ?

Your Santa sounds more like my view of Santa (and fortunately DH's).

My parents would tell my DC that Father Christmas had dropped presents at their house for DC too! Kids don’t give it a second thought, and it was never an issue.

I can assure you that your DD will not give too hoots how the stocking ended up with her, or why your son doesn’t have one.

We buy a stocking for our 2 grandchildren, DGD 2 and DGS 11 months, for when they arrive at ours on Xmas morning. Father Christmas is magical and visits all the houses in one night... you MIL must have said how good your DD has been so he left a stocking for her there too. 😊

As far as not buying for the baby though, I'm sorry but I would be firm, you buy for both or neither. Non negotiable.

Sorry, HRTFT so this may have been asked/answered already - has MIL bought DD other presents, or is the stocking full of the presents from MIL? If it's the latter, you can just say they are "wrapped" in a nice stocking, but from Granny?

In my house, the DC have stockings which are from Santa and also one gift that they have asked for in their letters which goes under the tree with their presents from me. This one special gift is wrapped in different paper to show its special. My DS, 14, now knows the truth but is still eager to keep the magic alive for his younger sister, 9. Last year he offered to help put out her stocking gifts which was super sweet.

…kids aren’t bothered whether presents come from Father Christmas, parents, uncles, aunties or anyone else.

Who remembers Christmas aged 4, and what they got from who? They just like getting things.

The “magic of Father Christmas” is for parents, not children …

Both children should have a stocking and only your one is from Santa.

my mum gives her grandchildren a stocking, all her grandchildren get a stocking not just one of them!

my mil used to say to the children , let’s see what Santa left for you here, I reminded her and the children that Santa only leaves gifts at our home for the children and any other gift is from that person,

MIL has bought very nice presents for both DD and DS. The stocking is extra, just for DD. MIL is v generous and definitely of the “more is more” school of Christmas presents - I know this is lovely and DD will be delighted, but it’s a higher bar than I wanted to set in terms of expectations. Obviously DS will have no clue, but DD will definitely notice she’s got an extra stocking!

Or he could kindly follow one of the good alternatives suggested, without reminding her that she has ‘had her turn’

Yeah. I often see this quite nasty comment paraded out on MN, to put mils in their place. I wonder how it would go down regarding babysitting and childcare favours. "No ta, don't really want to do Thursday afternoons or school pick ups. I've had my turn, remember"?

Well your MIL sounds like a lovely, fun, generous grandmother. I'm sure your DD is perfectly capable of understanding the stocking thing... a lot of young children hide the fact that they know Santa, Father Christmas - whoever - isn't real for years, especially from their parents. If she does still think he exists she may find it odd that FC has given her baby brother presents that are useful to mum. Just don't overthink it and your DH certainly doesn't need to berate his lovely mum, as many pp have suggested, fgs!

If she is old enough to notice, she is old enough to understand a simple, child friendly explanation eg babies don’t need as many toys as children, he will get a stocking like you when he is older.

What’s wrong with your MIL buying a baby’s first Christmas ornament for her own Christmas tree, @JammieHands? Why shouldn’t she have a decoration with her DGD’s birth date? I think it’s a quite common thing to do. We go even further and buy Christmas ornaments to celebrate our family members, all their achievements and special occasions 😂 My DIL loved it when she got her first decoration on the tree.

@Askingforafriendtoday don’t plan on doing any berating, it’s not very Christmassy! We’re just going to make it from her not FC as think it’s the easier explanation for us (I have loads of relatives - FC visiting everybody’s house is way to much backstory for me! For me he visits kids houses on Christmas Eve, leaves little pressies to open first thing - and then is not discussed for the rest of the day so we can enjoy lunch, optional religion, family presents etc..)

@Mipil will absolutely be using this explanation!

DD knows she has a stocking with her name on it and op wants her to hang it up ready for the big man on Christmas eve
So with your idea .op whoops away the named stocking and leaves mils stocking in its place..

And don't you think she'd notice that the one she hung up the night before has gone ???

The stocking is from your mother in law and not Father Christmas. You need to be firm and consistent in the story you tell.

my mother in law would always come round with their presents and say ‘look what Santa left at our house!’ I would always gently say ‘oh kids, granny has brought you some presents for Christmas’. She never said anything but I wanted to reiterate that Santa only comes to the child’s house and I didn’t want any nonsense of him going to a grandparents house to leave more presents for a child whose house he is already visiting.

Yes! I have always thought this way! MIL does a Santa gift at her Christmas celebration, I always clarify to my kids it's from grandma and grandpa. Grandma was very annoyed at first, she's either gotten over it or knows it won't make a difference to be offended, I'm not budging on that.

It's good that you've been given advance warning. I once had this with a family member with my children, except it was a surprise on the day. Fine if they had said the extra stockings were from them, but they presented it with the narrative of "Look Santa brought you a stocking to our house too!", and kept repeating that it was all from santa.

I had to later do a bit of backtracking after questions from my eldest (5 or 6 at the time) No, you don't get stockings at every relatives house we are going to visit etc etc. Surprise surprise the next year they didn't bother with the stocking, but my child had remembered the previous year and wondered why. Think I mumbled something about santa only brings ONE stocking to you and those were just a fun extra that family member wanted to give you from them. I worried that it would have them questioning the entire stocking idea, but to be honest, they always just accepted what I told them...not suspicious enough! 😂

Bottom line is, if family members are going to do extra stockings, it has to be with the parents blessing, and if they want to say it's from santa, they are going to have to commit to this every year for every child.

Your stocking is from Father Christmas. Hers is from her.

Ha ha!

Indeed. 'they've had their turn' when it's something nice. But the drudge work? That's a whole other story.