MIL and the Christmas stocking

[Lumpofcoal]

Major first world problems here.

DD is 4 and is very excited about Christmas. She has a Christmas stocking, and can just about read her name written on it. She’s going to hang it up on the fireplace on Christmas Eve and firmly believes the big man in red is going to fill it with presents. (They’re just little things - she does get a bigger present but it’s from us). She also has a new little brother - he also now has a stocking with his name on it and is going to be getting a few presents just to keep up appearances (they are coincidentally things that I might find useful). DD is very excited for him too.

Out of the blue, MIL has also bought DD a personalised stocking and filled it with presents. She will be at ours for Christmas and wants to see DD open it on Christmas morning. DS hasn’t got one. DH says there is no way she can be dissuaded from her plan without causing significant hurt and offence.

MIL is fundamentally nice - she’s being generous and just wants to do the whole Father Christmas thing again. I don’t actually want to ruin Christmas for her. But what is the best way to manage this with DD? It’s more than I would actually like her to get but I can’t see a way out of MIL giving it to her. Should it be from MIL? Or Father Christmas? And why hasn’t her brother got one? What’s the best explanation for her? And am I stuck with this every year now?!

I would simply make it clear to your DD that those presents are from her nana. And that it's up to your DH to communicate that to your MIL. I doubt very much that she'd have tolerated that level of stepping on toes from her own MIL...

I think the posters who are saying 'oh bless, MIL is probably excited, no issue, just roll with it' and similar are probably the lucky ones who've never had to deal with an overbearing relative.

These things rarely come as a one off ime. It might seem a small matter to some (in isolation) but when you start 'letting things go' with a relative who has a tendency to overstep it can be the start of a very slippery slope. It's better to politely outline your position on things from the beginning.

DH and I visited 5 year-old DGC at their house on Christmas day. He went in carrying the bag of gifts, and without any prior discussion with anyone started saying to DGC about how Father Christmas had left this bag of presents at our house.

I shut that down straight away. Said over him in a loud voice "Don't be silly, what are you talking about? These presents are from us, we bought them".

DGC looked confused for a moment, then was distracted by something else.

To this day I just think what the fuck was he thinking???

Yes this is important to remember too. Children will take the lead from the adults around them and are very good at glossing over inconsistencies/filling in gaps.

It really doesn't matter too much!

My MIL is a bit like this and you do question yourselves as to whether you're overreacting. My MIL is lovely but oversteps. She's had her time with her 4 children with birthdays, Christmas and concerts etc that I try and keep her at arms length with things like this as I want it to be special for my and my husband.

I would say in front of her when she brings it in that the presents are from the grandmother before she even has a chance to say anything.

Yes context matters, of course, and if this were against the background of a controlling/domineering/otherwise dysfunctional dynamic, my answer would've been quite different.

However there's no indication here that there are any issues - OP has stated that MIL is fundamentally nice and is just excited.

Hopefully it'll all work out perfectly well! 🎄

I agree, stocking from FC, and mil’s stocking from Grandma.

If mil insists it’s also from FC, then you need to explain to dd that grandma missed you opening the presents from the big man, so wanted you to have another stocking so she join in the fun of sticking presents. Set your boundaries now.

Is the stocking an additional present for dd, compared to ds? If so, unless ds is a 6’ 5”, 21 year old, then you need to step in and get this situation sorted.

What a storm in a teacup. Having a second stocking takes nothing away from the first one.

If MIL is lovely, she wouldn't mind a quick call to say you don't mind the stocking but would she mind terribly buying one for baby too and putting any old stuff in it - nice big pack of nappies and some wipes? Becuse you're worried DD may be upset.
Growing up, we had grandparents bring stockings from Santa when they visited and I LOVED it. Becuse in my mind they had cared enough to write tosanta in my behalf and ask him to bring stuff!

Nope.

You do Christmas your way and dh needs to make that clear. The stocking is from granny. She can NOT relive any of this by hijacking your special moments op. You will never have these days back again, the resentment will be huge when you realise how precious they are.

Put your foot down. The answer is no. She has had her time and can’t take yours.

My Mil did this for a couple of years at our house, where she claimed all the presents her and FiL had brought with them were from Santa. I didn't like this because i thought they deserved the credit for purchasing them and my MIL tied herself in knots when she stupidly told my DD that Santa had dropped them off before Christmas at her house. I just asked her not to claim their gifts were from Santa after that, and bless her she agreed.

If it makes you feel any better my MIL who used to shower my kids with suitcases full of presents now just bungs cash in a card. I think the kids ( now late teens) miss the random plastic tat and the mangled stories of how Santa dropped them off, even if i don't.

Typical getting over excited about the presence of small and easily confused children who were visiting for Christmas, and not a great sense of what is an appropriate way to gift.

I was a boring (to her) twenty year old at that point but even I knew that you can't randomly give children stockings.

My son is one, and I'm interested as to whether MIL will show up with a stocking on Christmas Day when they visit. If she does, I'll say something about 'the more the merrier now when he doesn't understand it'. But note for the future to be clear about what our Christmas traditions are.

Tell her it's for this year only as she sprung on you but you'd appreciate she leaves the stockings to you and dh. Which is only fair, it is for the parents to do when it comes from santa. I don't know why anyone would even do one without asking the parents, that's usually common sense that their children would have a stocking from santa already. Why are people do odd?
I mean if you want she can still do a stocking but it doesn't have to be from santa, it can be from her. To my children santa only visits houses with children, so not grandparents.

This is quite unusual, as in my experience Grandparents can't wait to show how generous they have been and demand all forms of thanks and appreciation for their efforts.

Very unusual for a GP to want to remain anonymous and give credit to someone else, even if that is Father Christmas!.

The lack of a stocking for new baby brother really isn't a big deal.

Again, whether you decide that you're happy for Father Christmas to have dropped a second stocking off at Grandma's place, or you would rather say it's from Grandma herself, it's not a big deal.

'Why doesn't baby brother have another stocking?'

'Oh, Father Christmas knows that babies don't need too many toys because they're only little, so he'll get another stocking next year when he's bigger.'

'Grandma gave baby brother this lovely teddy bear/blanket/hat/whatever but he's so little he won't know what a stocking is or be able to open all the little presents like you can, so Grandma will give him a stocking next year.'

It's really a good idea to teach children to be as flexible and as resilient about Christmas as possible, with matter-of-fact answers and a general attitude of lots of different options and ways of doing things - it avoids them growing into adults who freak out if anything has to be slightly different from their usual experience and who apparently cannot ever compromise on anything regarding the Big Day.

Start as you mean to go on and keep things as light as possible. It'll make life so much easier.

Have a lovely Christmas! 🎄🎄🎄

That’s ridiculous! DD is not her child. She can see DD after Christmas and any ‘hurt and/or offence’ will be her own creation. Do not be controlled or coerced by your DH

Did you manage to get it back? I still use the stocking I’ve had since I was born, now in my 50’s. It was knitted by DM’s colleague. I don’t care if I don’t get anything else, so long as there’s something in my stocking!

I still don't really understand the problem @Lumpofcoal . She seems to have simply put her presents in a stocking. It's not THE stocking on the mantle piece, it's just a stocking.

Every family creates its own Santa traditions. For us, he brought the stockings and one present (in special wrapping paper). Everyone else gave presents from themselves. Given that we encouraged our children to choose parents for other family members, that made logical sense to us.
For you it might be something different.

Ignore the posters who want to think the worst of your MIL. Just explain to her what your family tradition is, and will continue to be. That the mantelpiece stocking is from Santa, and everything else is from you/her/others.

Yes I'd missed that bit in the OP...your DH does need to be willing to communicate nicely but firmly to his mum when there are small issues like this; it's ridiculous for him to try to claim that he can't do that! If he cannot, he needs to learn how. And if she can't accept it gracefully then he doesn't get to just always do what she wants - he needs to get better at drawing appropriate boundaries.

🙄

That’s just a stocking from grandma. That’s what she is to be told as it’s the truth.

but the magic stocking is the one hung up that father Christmas fills.

Do the posters who think Grandma should be allowed to do whatever she wants with the DC and presents at Christmas not realise that weird stuff (random second stockings for only one child) popping up out of nowhere that hasn't been mentioned before will lead the DC to wonder what's going on and therefore to potentially start questioning the whole Santa story??!!

Can't see a problem. One stocking from Santa (you) one stocking from Grandma.

I just kindly said we're doing it x way and it was thankfully taken well (outwardly anyway). I think because of how I worded it, it was said very nicely but also with no room for leeway.
I do think one stocking is more than enough.

"DH says there is no way she can be dissuaded from her plan without causing significant hurt and offence."

Time for DH to choose then, is he primarily a son or a father? Whose feelings are more important, his mum's or his daughter's?