MIL and the Christmas stocking

[Lumpofcoal]

Major first world problems here.

DD is 4 and is very excited about Christmas. She has a Christmas stocking, and can just about read her name written on it. She’s going to hang it up on the fireplace on Christmas Eve and firmly believes the big man in red is going to fill it with presents. (They’re just little things - she does get a bigger present but it’s from us). She also has a new little brother - he also now has a stocking with his name on it and is going to be getting a few presents just to keep up appearances (they are coincidentally things that I might find useful). DD is very excited for him too.

Out of the blue, MIL has also bought DD a personalised stocking and filled it with presents. She will be at ours for Christmas and wants to see DD open it on Christmas morning. DS hasn’t got one. DH says there is no way she can be dissuaded from her plan without causing significant hurt and offence.

MIL is fundamentally nice - she’s being generous and just wants to do the whole Father Christmas thing again. I don’t actually want to ruin Christmas for her. But what is the best way to manage this with DD? It’s more than I would actually like her to get but I can’t see a way out of MIL giving it to her. Should it be from MIL? Or Father Christmas? And why hasn’t her brother got one? What’s the best explanation for her? And am I stuck with this every year now?!

GRANDPARENTS, KNOW YOUR PLACE!

(is the rallying cry of Mumsnet)

I've lost count of the number of times I've read "they've had their turn" on this thread.

And no, I wouldn't expect my stockings to be the Father Christmas ones (my adult kids get stockings from me too) and since this MIL is generally a lovely person, I dare say that if you explain pleasantly that your tradition is that only the one stocking comes from FC, but your DD will love unpacking the one from grandma too, she'll be fine.

But clearly there are loads of people on this thread who want to think that this loving grandma is a total, overstepping power-hungry bitch.

I think you're a bit over-sensitive to grandparent-based critiques, saraclara.

Most people have simply said that it's inappropriate, or have suggested simple ways to accept the gift but not as an official FC stocking.

Grandparents aren't some fuzzy-one fits all-lovely group. The impulse can be lovely but the action less so. Anyone with the age to have produced two generations has had the opportunity to learn that sometimes it's not always about mindlessly following your lovely impulses and expecting everyone to blandly smile joyfully at everything you do.

That's more appropriate for the five year old than the grandparent.

Most people have simply said that it's inappropriate, or have suggested simple ways to accept the gift but not as an official FC stocking.

And that's exactly the advice I gave, too.

I'm simply pointing out that those few posters who are taking a more aggressive approach, have no reason to do so, based on the information that OP has given. This is not an in-law with history.

I used to fill my kids' stockings with stuff they needed, like underwear. I have a lovely photo of them, taken at the moment that all 3 of them pulled a new toothbrush out of their stocking, and they're all looking delighted. It was fantastic how pleased they were with new socks, colouring pens etc because they came in a stocking. Ds2 came home from uni the other day and said "Mum I hope I've got new socks for Christmas because mine are all falling apart"!

My mum attempted to be Father Christmas too - I said no, those are presents from Grandma, they need to know Grandma went out and chose them specially. That worked.

People make such a fuss about things here. Just be flexible and make up answers to convince your child. These things are as huge a deal as you make them. As long as gifts have good intent, try and adapt and make them work. It’s just not that hard or complex.

My kids have always loved underwear as Xmas gifts! I asked them this year if they still want pants and socks. They both said a loud yes! They are 20 and 22 ;-)

Not a big deal. Yours is filled by Santa, grandmas is filled by her. Job done. I’m sure DS will get one next year when he’s a conscious child.

I think you’re looking at this as an adult, a 4 year old doesn’t put 2 and 2 together in the same way.

Totally! People are so hyper aware and conscious now, being laid back and exercising tolerance, especially with family, seems to be a dying quality.

I honestly struggle with how rigid some families are about Father Christmas, which presents are from who, where they are put or when they open them. Young kids don't care, any questions can easily be answered or swerved. Just enjoy, in reality there's probably only about 8 or less Christmas when kids understand and believe. Relax the rules.

Can’t she have MIL’s stocking as from MIL?

Good idea. And yes, she has overstepped. She should have asked first.

We have always spread Christmas over two mornings -my side come on Boxing Day and we did the ‘Santa left this at Granny and Grandad’s for you’. That worked fine for us. But MIL got wind of it and suggested to BIL that they could do the same, so that when they left ours and went to BIL’s they could bring DNs gifts and see them open them. SIL knocked that suggestion on the head immediately- she insisted that everything was left at theirs in advance and their DC opened everything on Christmas morning. DH and BIL pointed out that they had done that as DC so why were PIL trying to change it now?

It is up to the DCs’ parents how things should be done - GPs need to be sensitive and not try to get their own way.

I honestly don’t want to be too prescriptive about it - I just would like DD to believe for a couple of years as she is only 4! We will have 2 sets of grandparents with us on Christmas morning who have v different ideas - having some vaguely agreed approach feels important, otherwise competitive grandparenting will take over and/or someone will give the game away. (We already have a tacit baking competition underway, I don’t need competitive gifting as well!)

I would just tell her that you appreciate the gifts but your children already have personalised stockings from their parents so more than one will just cause confusion. Ask her to keep her stocking at home for when LO is older and realises that presents come from family and not from Santa.

See if tell her outright after living through this! My firstborn was o my GS for a while and then when second child came along was treated differently. In the end I put my foot down and told her it wasn’t happening anymore. As they got older they started to notice

This!

Interested to know what traditions of your DH's you've kept seeing as you had very different Christmases growing up?

The only problem i see id that she hasn’t got the baby one, he may not notice but your daughter and you certainly will. Personally im just grateful when other people buy my children things. It’s up to you to decide whether you want your child to know if its from FC or her, not up to your Mil.

Dear mil had her chance to do things her way with her own children. You and your husband should set the parameters for your children and the grandparents should follow your lead. They shouldn’t get a do over at your expense.

when my first DS was 4 and second DS was 6 months first DS had a stocking whereas the 6month old had some pressies but not as many. We said that second DS knew he was very lucky to have lots of toys already (cos he had all the ones we already had) so had asked Father Christmas to give more toys to some other children who weren’t as lucky. I just couldn’t face yet more stuff we really didn’t need or want and we’re just buying for the sake of it 🙈

To all grandparents out there. You've had your time with your kids now let your children have the same memories with theirs! Check that what you're arranging is wanted.

@MellowCritic such a simple respectful concept and yet the inaction of it causes others so, much, stress.

Just bloody ask!!

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis excellent post.

No they are not one fuzzy warm hemongenous group

It's from MIL - just stick to it being presents from granny, in a stocking. Not the same as the stocking she will wake up to from Santa.

I would also try not to overthink too much the number of presents, it sounds like it's very modest and she will enjoy the extra bits from Granny

Agree everything with my ex mil felt like a competition. Really glad l don't have that crap now. She's overstepping and it needs to be dealt with.

The Santa thing probably doesn't matter but your MIL not treating your kids equally does.

I'd tell her, both or none. Right from his birth you want it clear to both DC they're equal and loved the same. Dd is old enough to notice