MIL and the Christmas stocking

[Lumpofcoal]

Major first world problems here.

DD is 4 and is very excited about Christmas. She has a Christmas stocking, and can just about read her name written on it. She’s going to hang it up on the fireplace on Christmas Eve and firmly believes the big man in red is going to fill it with presents. (They’re just little things - she does get a bigger present but it’s from us). She also has a new little brother - he also now has a stocking with his name on it and is going to be getting a few presents just to keep up appearances (they are coincidentally things that I might find useful). DD is very excited for him too.

Out of the blue, MIL has also bought DD a personalised stocking and filled it with presents. She will be at ours for Christmas and wants to see DD open it on Christmas morning. DS hasn’t got one. DH says there is no way she can be dissuaded from her plan without causing significant hurt and offence.

MIL is fundamentally nice - she’s being generous and just wants to do the whole Father Christmas thing again. I don’t actually want to ruin Christmas for her. But what is the best way to manage this with DD? It’s more than I would actually like her to get but I can’t see a way out of MIL giving it to her. Should it be from MIL? Or Father Christmas? And why hasn’t her brother got one? What’s the best explanation for her? And am I stuck with this every year now?!

I'd say "Oh goodness DD! Because grandma's here this year santa has decided to leave you two stockings. Aren't you lucky?" Because I wouldn't want DD to miss out on double the fun and excitement.

Just say grownups like to do stockings sometimes, granny has done one for you.

The stocking on your fireplace is filled by FC during the night. The one from your MIL goes under the tree with the other presents and you say ‘oh look Granny put her presents to you in a stocking, isn’t that nice’

Santa left an extra one. Wow. Maybe a mistake. Or maybe it’s from rudolf - how lucky are you?

I have to speak to my mum every year about buying stocking fillers for my kids and trying to put them into the stockings we do from fc. I just politely say thank you that's so generous, feel free to give them to the kids yourself as I've got their stocking fillers sorted. I think they just get excited and it's fine to push back nicely.

This I had a lovely, truly sweet MIL who said about doing a stocking from FC at her house. I explained that this could cause issues because Ds has another set of grandparents, ie my parents and FC won't be leaving one there and he has older cousins who have never had 2 stockings from FC either. She completely understood and instead she did small gifts in the stocking and larger gifts went under her tree. When Ds2 was born he too got a personalised stocking at her house.

Plus imagine the school playground with the kids coming home saying why does Katie get 2 stocking from FC every year and I never get more than one?

Your Dh needs to start realising he is a husband and that he needs to present a united front with you over this. We always did the stocking with token gifts from FC, all other presents from us so the children knew who to thank. All other presents from relatives were given directly to the children and they knew who to thank for those gifts. Good for children to separate out parental and FC gifts otherwise it can result, and did in our house, where my son asked why his Aunt bought him a present but not her own child because everything came from FC in their house.

Fireplace stocking is from Santa, MIL stocking js from Granny.
It is just sock-shaped gift wrapping from Granny. I saw some Christmas Stocking shaped gift bags in TK Maxx earlier, I don't think they are intended to replace, or duplicate, a stocking that is left empty on Christmas Eve and magically filled overnight.

Why though? The MIL has had her children and done things her way - now it is the OP's turn. You can't be rolling over all the time to suit other people.

What happens when mil dies? Do the parents get lumbered producing two stockings? Or do they say Father Christmas can only give them one now?! And all the associations of that!

It's a shame when grandparents think they should be able to redo the lovely parts of parenting like Christmas stockings. Parenting is wonderful and a gift, but also can be tiring and stressful. We should be able to enjoy the little special bits without needing to share. I wouldn't stand for that personally and if DH is too wet to do anything would say in front of DC "look Granny has brought you presents in a special bag, how lovely".

As I said in my PP, we have Santa stockings from Santa first thing for children (on the end of their beds) and everyone gets a stocking with small presents from grandparents after breakfast (hung from the mantelpiece) because one family had a tradition of adult stockings. Santa stockings are hung up on Christmas Eve, the other stockings are there as decorations for the whole of advent. DC were never confused or questioned it. They were told adults don’t get gifts from Santa so our family like to make stockings for everyone. The stockings are just a receptacle for presents in our house 🤷‍♀️

Despite being generally lovely and reasonable my MIL likes to say the gifts from her and FIL are from Santa (although thankfully she doesn't do a stocking).

I just don't make a big deal over it and ask them to thank ILs for the gifts when they have been opened, DC have never really questioned it but if they did I would just discreetly say they were from ILs.

ILs usually host so this hasn't been too problematic in the past as DC open Santa gifts in the morning at our house and IL gifts later at their house. We are hosting this year and I am hopeful this will mean the pretence is quietly dropped as the DC will see them arrive with gifts.

I’d just say Father Christmas presents first, then ours a little later and after that family gifts, including Granny’s. Make it clear Granny’s stocking is a gift from Granny and nothing to do with Father Christmas.

I'm sorry but I think you will have to have a word with mil so what if it causes offence.

Your 4 year old is excited to hang up her stocking and now there's another one m

"mil thank you so much for thinking about dd and a stocking. But I'm surprised you didn't think we would have already got her one?
Can you give her the contents and keep your stockings for your house?

Op these things need to be nipped in the bud I can't understand what people think??

My Mil uses to give my two the cheapest Cadbury Caldender when I'd already go to them lovely ones. Hers did get donated to charity at Christmas.

I'd never ever think to do this to my dc??

I can't imagine ever thinking this??

I am firm in my view that Father Christmas only delivers presents to one place - to the child. Any other presents are from the people who bring them.
It's always kind and well-meant, but grandparents and everyone just need to take a step back and remember they have had their turn at "being" Father Christmas. Now it's the child's parent's turn.
Grandma should realise she can still get pleasure from watching your daughter open presents from her. They can still be given in a stocking if that's what she wants, but they are from her.

She’s had her turn doing Father Christmas - and now she wants to muscle in on yours. Having said which, it’s going to be great for your daughter getting so many presents! I think I would ask if she could give your baby some gifts too - say there are certain things he needs, it would be wonderful to get them in a stocking, if she would be so kind … It doesn’t seem right to give to one child and not the other. I would also ask if her stocking presents are from her or from Father Christmas because if they’re from her then there’s no problem really - although it is a bit odd of her to put them in a stocking. If they’re from Father Christmas- and your mil won’t budge on that - then you’re going to have to run with the “Oh look, Father Christmas bought you two stockings!” Idea.

I feel really deprived every time someone mentions getting a stocking as I’m sure I never had one and my husband doesn’t think he did either! As a result, neither of us knew to do a stocking for our child initially, we do now well its a little hessian sack but I feel I’ve not made Christmas very special. partly through ignorance. My mum has also never bought dd (her only grandchild) an advent calendar.

Thanks all for great advice - and lovely hearing people’s different traditions!

DH and I are from families with quite different approaches. I’m from quite a large family where FC brought small gifts for Christmas morning (think socks, small toys, chocs, pens etc) - and “big” presents were from family and opened in the evening. DH is an only child from a smaller family - FC apparently visited all his relatives at home and brought gifts for them to give to him (so all his presents were from FC).

MIL is on her own and therefore spends every Christmas with DH and me - she is usually dragged off to visit my relatives so doesn’t get much say in Christmas plans. I think she’s just keen to “be” FC as her relatives were for my DH - but I have too many relatives to maintain that sort of pretence for long.

We’ve agreed that DH will have a chat with MIL about the stocking being from her and opened in the evening with other family gifts - then we don’t have to have too much elaborate backstory about him visiting grandma. Fingers crossed this will go down ok, and I have no doubt DD will be delighted with her extra presents. (And no, of course DS isn’t going to give a single shiny sh*t about any of it - but I do want to pretend for DD!)

@WatchOutForBabyHaggis absolutely and it's very suspicious when coupled with "we can't say anything without causing offence and hurt".

Why?? A dh protecting mils fragile ego rings alarm bells.

If any of us here did this and someone kindly said Oh orange, would it be possible to to do x " would you be offended and deeply hurt?? I may be ever so slightly but who cares I'm a grown adult

It would annoy me that she hasn't had the foresight to realise that you're going to have your own way of doing things (surely she must realise you will have bought presents for a stocking yourself already?!)

If she's otherwise lovely I wouldn't make a huge deal of it though. I'd just say to her that you've bought the stocking presents already and DD is expecting to put her own stocking out. So give her the choice...she could either give DD the stocking 'from her' and take the credit, or Santa can leave an extra stocking (with the main one, or in grandma's room) which can be explained away as an exciting one-off in the way others have already said. I reckon your DD will love this and if she is anything like my DS she'll be saying for a couple of years...remember that time FC got me an extra one! So personally I would go all in for the latter option...but I think it's MIL's choice.

It's a non-issue for your DS as he's not old enough to appreciate it anyway. This part wouldn't bother me at all. You could even say that maybe the extra one is because of how good she's been with him or something.

Sorry...crossed with your update. But what you've said sounds fine. It also makes sense as it sets a precedent for future years. Also it would be strange if your DD found she had lots of presents from other family but nothing from MIL so that's a good way of explaining it.

She’s well meaning (probably) but this is an overstep. You do the stockings for your kids, she had her turn!

If she wants to hang over pressies from her in the stocking, great. But when you are the parents of small kids, you get to be gather Christmas and she shouldn’t dilute/change/interfere with what you have planned.

She will see DD open her stocking (from you). If she makes a fuss about it not being HER stocking then it’s clear that she’s making it ahout herself and not DD.

Also weird not to include baby, for no other reason than to not confuse your other child! We are putting nappies in our baby’s stocking! Our older child would query otherwise.

I had small presents from Santa in the stocking in the morning, big presents from parents. When my grandparents came round I got more presents and little ones from Santa. When my grandmother died (unfortunately young), my grandad kept up with the tradition. I was never confused about it, just excited! He still did it up to when he died and I was in my 30s!!

I loved it, but now concerned from all the posts on here I have some unresolved trauma from having two stockings I’m not aware of 😂

I find some of the reactions here way over the top, who cares if MIL also wants to give DD a stocking, am sure a 4 year old will buy whatever story you tell her and just be glad to get more presents. My MIL sadly died before our DC were born and DH and I would give anything to have seen her experience a Christmas with the DC. My own mum goes way over the top with presents for Christmas, birthdays and just spoiling them in general but I don't say anything as we don't know how many more Christmases we will have with her and it makes her happy and the DC happy so where's the harm? She doesn't say the presents are from Santa but if she wanted to I wouldnt care and would find a way to explain it to the DC. For all the posters saying OP's DH should stand up to the MIL, I would be pretty unhappy if my DH told me to reign in my own mum as I'm sure many others would be but somehow it's ok when it's the MIL?

@bandicoot99 I agree with you.

It annoys me when Grandparents take it upon themselves the nice and special parts of parenting without checking with the parents. You had your chance. Let the parents do it now.