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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

187 replies

Lifelessonsnotlearnt · 17/12/2024 09:27

Apologies for the long story but there is background context to add...

My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs married for 7. We each have kids from previous marriages, husband has (M26) and (F20). I get on really well with my SD, however SS tolerates me and is civil, but there is no real relationship there.

Rewind to a few months ago. SD and SS both live with husbands elderly parents (in their 80's). MIL is the loveliest person you could ever hope to meet and will do anything for anyone. SS has lived with her since husband and ex divorced (another story but not relevant to this one). SS has for the most part since turning adult has been in and out of work. There have been various 'interventions' with my husband on his lack of job, grumpy and rude attitide around the house, and not contributing to the house financially or physically, not to mention the smoking of weed in his bedroom! (FIL has COPD amongst other health issues). So during yet another 'chat' with SS, husband reiterated again that he needed to get a job, start contributing to the household and be more pleasant with his grandparents...and stop smoking weed in the house. MIL came in after and the conversation turned to her offing to pay for his driving lessons, which had been on the table since be was 17 and he hadn't taken her up on it, He took some sort of offence to this and he told her she was acting like C which obviously incited my husband and all h broke lose. Husband and SS were shouting and swearing at each other then SS stomped off to his bedroom crying.

SS didn't speak to husband for a few weeks and was cordial with inlaws. Afew weeks later he got a job, but continues to smoke weed in the house! (small changes?!).

Since then I haven't really visited MIL at her home as I'm still enraged at how he spoke to her and how he has treated her over the years, and the fact that he STILL smokes weed. Had that been one of my adult chidren they would have been shown the door! I just don't want to be in the same space as him, and have informed my husband so.

Fast forward to 10 days ago, my husband picked me up from work and informed me that inlaws and SS were coming for Chrismas dinner. Bearing in mind we had always had an 'open house' invitation, but they had never come. SS has only visited his father at out home once or twice and refuses to come when invited. He's had Christams invitattions previously, has said he's coming and just doesn't.

We have argued none stop since, I don't want him to come, husband says 'what am I supposed to do, he's my son'. I feel sick to my stomach thinking I have to spend the day in his company knowing what he's treating my inlaws. I feel there will be an awkwardness that veveryone will pick up on and it will ruin everyones day.

Am I being unreasonable, as husband says I am?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 17/12/2024 09:31

Yanbu.
What an utter horror he is. Your poor poor in laws are saints - although I'm worried they're vulnerable amd being abused but don't know how to kick him out.

Absolutely not to having such a vile person in your home.

Absolutely yes to having his parents and being nice to them.

Although will there be repercussions to them if they come and he doesn't?

Edingril · 17/12/2024 09:32

It is his son you know that so yes no matter the other replies will say you are being very unreasonable

arethereanyleftatall · 17/12/2024 09:33

And - just a mumsnet info thing - if you put ** it bolds words, so just write a whole swear word if you want.

healthybychristmas · 17/12/2024 09:34

The grandparents need a break from him for the day. That's how I would sell it to my husband. There's obviously going to be trouble if he comes along and they don't deserve that and nor do you.

Mixey · 17/12/2024 09:37

Agree SS' behaviour has been appalling. But is it possible that joining you for Christmas day, is his attempt at making an effort?
I sympathise as either option - hosting him or telling him he can't come - puts your or your H in a difficult situation.

Mixey · 17/12/2024 09:39

Also, given that you say he's accepted previous Christmas invitations then not turned up, is there a high chance that he won't actually come even if he says he will?

CatWolf · 17/12/2024 09:42

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I have a relative like this and he royally pisses me off with his behaviour. But I do still think he should be allowed round at Christmas, as long as he behaves himself while there. Have an agreement with your DH that if he kicks off and is rude, then that’s it. No more Christmas with him unless he seriously grows up.

Octavia64 · 17/12/2024 09:42

It sounds like there is significant backstory if he is living with his grandparents.

Obviously his behaviour is not great, but what's the story on the wider relationship between him and his dad?

lauraloulou1 · 17/12/2024 09:46

Sounds like he is trying to turn his life around. The crying is upsetting to hear about and young people have a really hard gig these days. You are being unreasonable and enabling his father to do very little. One day isn't going to kill you and it might be very nice. You clearly don't have an open door policy at Christmas as surely your husbands son would be a key part of that. I don't think it's fair to judge someone by the worst thing they have said- and i bet he has reason to resent your husband, for no other reason than him marrying a woman who has no time for his children.

Dontwearmysocks · 17/12/2024 09:48

Yes he’s awful but for one day I would suck it up. Wouldn’t be shy about telling him any of his nonsense whilst there will result in him being shown the door.

AVeryCovidChristmas · 17/12/2024 09:55

As a PP said, there is a fair amount of back story missing here. I know you say it isn't relevant, but DC with poor childhoods and Dad's that loose their cool during arguments will struggle more growing up. It does seem abit rich being annoyed with SS for the way he treats inlaws but happy marrying a man that dumped his kids on them. I think, if you want to continue in your marriage, then you have to accept that he has a son (albeit with sometimes difficult behaviour) that he will want to see at Christmas time.

bigkidatheart · 17/12/2024 09:57

Probably won't turn up or he might turn up and try to make amends.

It's a tricky one, just hold your breath, count to 3 and make it through the day.

rainbowstardrops · 17/12/2024 10:04

Well you're stuck between a rock and a hard place but I don't think it would be good not to give him the benefit of the doubt and he is your DH's son.
Having said that, I wouldn't stand for any shitty behaviour from him. Good luck

Shellybeans · 17/12/2024 10:21

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I’m actually quite concerned about your PIL especially their safety - SS obviously doesn’t care about their comfort, wellbeing or health. Why should everyone else have a shitty Christmas Day - and it will be shit because the relationships are already strained, something will happen and he’ll kick off, argue with your DH, swear at his grandmother (or you) and make it miserable for everyone.

zingally · 17/12/2024 10:30

There clearly is a LOT of backstory here.

I'd say the most pertinent one is WHY are the now-adult children living with very elderly grandparents? And not with their, presumably competent enough, biological father, if their mum isn't on the scene?

If son is 26, still living with very elderly grandparents, and not making any significant moves towards having an adult life... I'd be more concerned about that, than focusing on one pretty unpleasant argument.

DaniMontyRae · 17/12/2024 10:36

You glossed over your stepson not living with either parent following the divorce. I doubt it's as irrelevant to the current situation as you want to think. It's not usual for an, at most, young teen, to not live with either parent.

Cynic17 · 17/12/2024 10:39

Bottom line, he is your husband's son, and therefore if your husband wants his son to be there, you have to back him up.

MissDoubleU · 17/12/2024 10:44

Octavia64 · 17/12/2024 09:42

It sounds like there is significant backstory if he is living with his grandparents.

Obviously his behaviour is not great, but what's the story on the wider relationship between him and his dad?

This is the crux of it.

I’d argue that your PIL are old enough to decide for themselves what they want to do on Christmas and don’t need you to decide to be so offended on their behalf. So is this about them or what YOU want for the day? Why shouldn’t spend the day with DGC if they seem happy to? It reads like they have been the defacto parents, not just GP, in this situation for a time.

When did SS move in with them? And why did he not move in with you and his DF?

Stormyweatheroutthere · 17/12/2024 10:47

Dh wants a druggie in your home? No thanks. He wants to see him fine but not in your joint home. Keeping a junkie out overrules having one in.

DowntonCrabbie · 17/12/2024 10:50

DaniMontyRae · 17/12/2024 10:36

You glossed over your stepson not living with either parent following the divorce. I doubt it's as irrelevant to the current situation as you want to think. It's not usual for an, at most, young teen, to not live with either parent.

This. SS would have been a young teen when his parents split and neither took care of him.

I would imagine your DH has a lot of guilt for neglecting his son, he's not going to ban him from Xmas now.

Mmhmmn · 17/12/2024 10:51

This SS is 26 years old??? WTH.

Sounds like a total pain in the ass but have him for Christmas and pretend nothing has happened. Aim for the most harmonious day possible. What’s the point in trying to leave him out - it’s your DH’s son. Then have a nice Boxing Day together without him.

HarrietHedgehog · 17/12/2024 10:54

I have a lot of sympathy with your point of view but I think you need to be the bigger person here for the sake of everyone else.

Ohshutupalan · 17/12/2024 10:54

I can't imagine either of my adult DC living with their GP and me having a separate life. You say it is not relevant to this scenario but I am sure it is.

Comedycook · 17/12/2024 10:57

Ohshutupalan · 17/12/2024 10:54

I can't imagine either of my adult DC living with their GP and me having a separate life. You say it is not relevant to this scenario but I am sure it is.

Agree. Why doesn't he live with his parents? That must be relevant

Mmhmmn · 17/12/2024 10:58

Stormyweatheroutthere · 17/12/2024 10:47

Dh wants a druggie in your home? No thanks. He wants to see him fine but not in your joint home. Keeping a junkie out overrules having one in.

I don’t think someone who smokes weed can really be classed as a junkie.
But make him smoke outside, I wouldn’t be having that in my house. If he’s always smoked weed (since teens I mean) it’ll have affected his brain development hence his current situation. He sounds really very unhappy and could probably do with some counselling and CBT. Also to stop the weed but he’d need to want that himself obvs.