Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

[Lifelessonsnotlearnt]

Apologies for the long story but there is background context to add...

My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs married for 7. We each have kids from previous marriages, husband has (M26) and (F20). I get on really well with my SD, however SS tolerates me and is civil, but there is no real relationship there.

Rewind to a few months ago. SD and SS both live with husbands elderly parents (in their 80's). MIL is the loveliest person you could ever hope to meet and will do anything for anyone. SS has lived with her since husband and ex divorced (another story but not relevant to this one). SS has for the most part since turning adult has been in and out of work. There have been various 'interventions' with my husband on his lack of job, grumpy and rude attitide around the house, and not contributing to the house financially or physically, not to mention the smoking of weed in his bedroom! (FIL has COPD amongst other health issues). So during yet another 'chat' with SS, husband reiterated again that he needed to get a job, start contributing to the household and be more pleasant with his grandparents...and stop smoking weed in the house. MIL came in after and the conversation turned to her offing to pay for his driving lessons, which had been on the table since be was 17 and he hadn't taken her up on it, He took some sort of offence to this and he told her she was acting like C which obviously incited my husband and all h broke lose. Husband and SS were shouting and swearing at each other then SS stomped off to his bedroom crying.

SS didn't speak to husband for a few weeks and was cordial with inlaws. Afew weeks later he got a job, but continues to smoke weed in the house! (small changes?!).

Since then I haven't really visited MIL at her home as I'm still enraged at how he spoke to her and how he has treated her over the years, and the fact that he STILL smokes weed. Had that been one of my adult chidren they would have been shown the door! I just don't want to be in the same space as him, and have informed my husband so.

Fast forward to 10 days ago, my husband picked me up from work and informed me that inlaws and SS were coming for Chrismas dinner. Bearing in mind we had always had an 'open house' invitation, but they had never come. SS has only visited his father at out home once or twice and refuses to come when invited. He's had Christams invitattions previously, has said he's coming and just doesn't.

We have argued none stop since, I don't want him to come, husband says 'what am I supposed to do, he's my son'. I feel sick to my stomach thinking I have to spend the day in his company knowing what he's treating my inlaws. I feel there will be an awkwardness that veveryone will pick up on and it will ruin everyones day.

Am I being unreasonable, as husband says I am?

First of all it sounds like he might not actually come in the end

second of all, put your feelings aside and think about your poor in laws.

your husband must feel awful that they’ve had his off spring living with them for so many years treating them so awfully

It’s really not hard to view it from the kid’s perspective if you try.

It’s remarkably easy. My ex was 13 when his mum died, a year later his dad had remarried and a year after that his half sibling was born. The moment he was 16 he was told he was no longer welcome in his home and strongly encouraged to join the army. I met him when he was 22 and the bereaved and betrayed 13 year old was very much still there. It’s shaped his entire life.

He is clearly suffering from some sort of childhood trauma whether you think he should be or not. I would get him some counselling to deal with this sooner rather than later, otherwise he’s is just going to go downhill with potentially other drugs and ways of coping.

But not so awful that he was prepared to do anything about it. Still decided to put himself first and leave his troubled child with his elderly parents so he could go and play happy families with his girlfriend's kids. Just another common or garden variety deadbeat dad.

Dating for a year before moving in together is not long at all, in any relationship, nevermind one with children. A lot more time should have been spent building relationships first.
At the most important time in his life, his parents split, his dad suffered a significant illness and he lost his home.
He doesnt appear to have had any support or therapy to help him with this.
Then at 17/18 when he was obviously struggling, not always attending college etc, his dad chooses to move in with a woman his son obviously didnt have the best relationship with.
What was wrong with waiting a few more years to take this step? Waiting until he had at least got through college?
His dad was living with a woman and her children whilst he was struggling. Bearing in mind hed not had this himself.
To those saying his father didnt abandon him as he is an adult. Adults can suffer with abandonment issues too.
The fallout of childhood trauma often comes out in adulthood and it looks to me like he is getting no support at all for it.

Abused children live in the bodies of their adult selves forever. I often grieve for the little versions of me and my brother. It’s especially hard when you have your own children and realise how little you were regarded.

Your SS's behaviour is not acceptable.

However, his mother left when he was 11 and then shortly after his father had a stroke. There is an awful lot of trauma there for a child who I can imagine felt abandoned by his mother then scared to death his father would die. As his father recovered, he slowly began to relax and then father meets someone else and leaves.

I'm not saying you are to blame OP but your SS is clearly in need of some sort of help and should have had it as a teenager when all the damage was done.

Personally, I would throw him an olive branch and invite him for Christmas day. He'll either not turn up (as others have suggested) or he might get a chance of a proper family Christmas which he may or may not embrace but at least you are both still trying to include him and show that he's always welcome.

It’s tough love time for your SS. If he can’t abide by his grandparents house rules then he had to leave and make his own way. He’s 26 and not a child.

Must be more to this story - the poster keeps stressing her concern for the ILs, but it somehow does not ring true. Real concern does not look like 'I don't want to go to their house because he mistreats them'. This is not how you show concern. Obviously, this behaviour is the result of her dh and his ex brining him up, so there is a lot of stuff here which needs working through, but it is too late, dss is a grown man now.

That's not what people do with people they love. They don't just go "oh well, broken, chuck it out", and nor should they (barring actively dangerous people). The DH broke him, he should give support to try to help the boy now; whether that's just help to get a job, counselling, or even an honest apology might help.

On one hand he is 26 and as a fully grown adult he has to take responsibility for his life. Where does he see it going? He is old enough to own his mistakes and young enough to start again.

On the other hand he has had a pretty challenging childhood and he obviously doesn’t have the innate skills to rise above it and needs some support. This can either be provided for him or pointed out to him and for him to find his own support which would be much better for him in the long run.

Having over everyone for Xmas dinner is the least you and your husband can do and I think you need to decide how you will help these elderly relatives who have sacrificed so much to help you all out. Neither of you seem to be aware of how much they have done for you.

Finally I appreciate it’s hard out there for young people but the answer isn’t sponging off family and working in some job with no prospects for weed money. It seems to be so common now and it’s such a waste of human potential.

Tell them he can come but NOT smoke weed. Not in the house, not in the garden, not on your property.
That should ensure he comes for a bit but is t inclined to hang around.

Whatever happened in the past, who SS lived with and why can’t be changed. The fact is SS is 26 and behaving like an arsehole. He’s being abusive to two elderly people who will increasingly be unable to stand up for themselves.
For now, I’d just get through Christmas. SS might turn up, he might not. Fake it til you make it will be the rule while he’s there. Tell yourself you’re giving ILs a nice day that they deserve.
Then you have to disengage from him, not your problem. Maybe take ILs out for coffee/lunch/ tea occasionally or invite them to yours for same.
Christmas Day is grin and bear it day though.

I’d be embarrassed to be sponging off my grandparents at that age, and he probably is!
He need to move out.
Go and get a room somewhere- his life is too cushy. I lived in some dumps in my younger years, had little money, but worked, sometimes in really loot
paid jobs. But was independent.
Thats what he needs.

But he felt abandoned and was crying out for help. Going to school appointments, and official things is the bare minimum of parenting. His attachments are not secure, we was abandoned by both parents in the divorce, with your husband's medical stuff, then again when he was left to move in with you - all understandable logically but emotionally it's done significant harm. And you yourself have admitted to your husbands stroke has impacted his personality, which is another abandonment - the dad he knew gone replaced with someone similar and different.
I get it, he's older now and should get his act together, except he's still that young boy who's inner child needs helping, to feel safe.
Is there a world where because his granddad has COPD he's scared of losing him too and hense can't help but self medicate.

Also, you're getting offended on everyone's behalf, everyone who wants to be together on Christmas. Welcome him, be the adult.
"It's so lovely having you for Christmas, welcome! Quick thing our house rules, no smoking so you'll have to go outside. Let's have a lovely Christmas all together!"

Your SS is a lazy bum, I doubt he will change if that's how he behaves at 26.
Weed smoking affects brain and behaviour too, and if he's a frequent user, his brain is fumigated to an extreme.
Saying that, I feel you should allow your husband to invite his son for a dinner. He is his son, and it's rare enough occurrence.

I too have sympathy for the young man. I think you have to stay out of it and lat them forge their own paths.
Calm talking, boundaries but with understanding are needed, preferably with the help of family counselling for dh and ss.

Don’t punish PIL. They need a break and she needs your visits. They should probably throw him out or get him counselling so he’s forced to grow up.

Some are going to hate me for what I am about to write, but I hope OP sees it and it helps a little. I am an ex step parent to a troublesome SD. (Adult of 28 when I met their parent. 40 when I left and they had got worse, not better even with all our support.) ok no 1. I would contact Hourglass the elder abuse help line. Also report to adult social services if they recommend this. 2. Stop enabling SS. (Difficult for the in-laws I know as they love unconditionally.) If SS genuinely has trauma issue he needs to seek help and take responsibility for his own behaviour. This is making everyone unhappy. NB I walked away from my 13yr relationship in the end as I had had enough. I know OP may not do this so husband needs to get tough too. Good luck going forward, but without intervention things are not going to change.

I have read all your messages and can see how complicated the situation is. However, I agree with others who think it would be wrong to exclude him at Christmas - goodwill to all men, etc. Perhaps if you and DH model a healthy family dynamic and establish a more supportive relationship with him, he will become more responsive. If it were me, I would arrange a family conference in the new year - with GPs, mum, dad, you, and DS to discuss the best way forward as it is clear that he needs a bit of a kick up the bum. Now he is working, he should be moving out and making his own life. Such extended childhoods are not healthy. Good luck!

Yes you are. He is your husbands close family. You married into this family. The ss has been this way for years You are quite frankly lucky that he hasn't been round more frequently. You are causing issues for the mil you claim to like so much as clearly they won't come without him. You need to suck it up.

I understand your frustration with this situation but I would think for everyone involved you might have to let it slide. Your SS behaviours, storming off crying after an angry outburst and the excessive dope smoking is a red flag for poor mental health. You don’t say why he went to live with his grandparents after the divorce but he sounds like he may have a lot of unresolved issues that he might need help dealing with.
If you feel you can be the better person and allow him to come for Christmas and be polite and friendly towards him, you won’t have regrets down the line. It’s one day and if he reacts badly to everyone being pleasant you will see it’s more to do with what’s going on with him and maybe persuade your husband to talk to him about getting some support.

@Lifelessonsnotlearnt
i perceive in some of your responses that you are taking on board some of the advice to try to understand this troubled young man. I hope I have understood this correctly and that you are reviewing your attitude.
Could you find it in your heart to feel empathy and understanding for his behaviour ? Would you even be able to greet him with a genuinely warm smile that could even portray a hint of 'you are welcome here. I get where you're coming from and I understand that you're struggling but we're happy to see you and hope you have a lovely day.'
This might start to change things, even if it takes a few visits to get there.

YANBU I wouldn’t want him around at any time he sounds awful and he definitely would have been kicked out of the Grandparents by now I think due to the divorce and whatever happened there’s a lot of guilt from the Dad and that’s why his son is the way he is because he knows he can get away with it but he’s an adult and needs a sharp shock by the sounds of it. Unfortunately I think you will have to tolerate him on Christmas Day but if he starts or there’s any issues you ask him to leave immediately and be firm that you are not having your Christmas Day ruined by him and he needs to leave I know this will cause an issue with your husband but your husband needs to realise that you are not going to tolerate his sons behaviour and to be honest your in laws will probably be grateful. Good luck OP

Rubbish. The SS is 26. An adult not a boy. He does not get a get out of jail free card if he cannot adhere to the house rules and call his grandmother vile names. He is displaying unacceptable behaviour for which there should be consequences