Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

[Lifelessonsnotlearnt]

Apologies for the long story but there is background context to add...

My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs married for 7. We each have kids from previous marriages, husband has (M26) and (F20). I get on really well with my SD, however SS tolerates me and is civil, but there is no real relationship there.

Rewind to a few months ago. SD and SS both live with husbands elderly parents (in their 80's). MIL is the loveliest person you could ever hope to meet and will do anything for anyone. SS has lived with her since husband and ex divorced (another story but not relevant to this one). SS has for the most part since turning adult has been in and out of work. There have been various 'interventions' with my husband on his lack of job, grumpy and rude attitide around the house, and not contributing to the house financially or physically, not to mention the smoking of weed in his bedroom! (FIL has COPD amongst other health issues). So during yet another 'chat' with SS, husband reiterated again that he needed to get a job, start contributing to the household and be more pleasant with his grandparents...and stop smoking weed in the house. MIL came in after and the conversation turned to her offing to pay for his driving lessons, which had been on the table since be was 17 and he hadn't taken her up on it, He took some sort of offence to this and he told her she was acting like C which obviously incited my husband and all h broke lose. Husband and SS were shouting and swearing at each other then SS stomped off to his bedroom crying.

SS didn't speak to husband for a few weeks and was cordial with inlaws. Afew weeks later he got a job, but continues to smoke weed in the house! (small changes?!).

Since then I haven't really visited MIL at her home as I'm still enraged at how he spoke to her and how he has treated her over the years, and the fact that he STILL smokes weed. Had that been one of my adult chidren they would have been shown the door! I just don't want to be in the same space as him, and have informed my husband so.

Fast forward to 10 days ago, my husband picked me up from work and informed me that inlaws and SS were coming for Chrismas dinner. Bearing in mind we had always had an 'open house' invitation, but they had never come. SS has only visited his father at out home once or twice and refuses to come when invited. He's had Christams invitattions previously, has said he's coming and just doesn't.

We have argued none stop since, I don't want him to come, husband says 'what am I supposed to do, he's my son'. I feel sick to my stomach thinking I have to spend the day in his company knowing what he's treating my inlaws. I feel there will be an awkwardness that veveryone will pick up on and it will ruin everyones day.

Am I being unreasonable, as husband says I am?

@Lifelessonsnotlearnt Honestly let him come over and you leave for the day or the night befroe.
Book a meal and room somewhere for your Xmas .
This man child has gotten away with shocking behaviour for too long.

He went away crying … really?

Oh, come on. Smoking a bit of weed does not make him a junkie.

Maybe if his father was present more as a teen he wouldn’t be struggling so much as a young man. Unless there’s a huge drip feed happening it’s high time DF made his son a priority.

YABU - he is still your DH's son. He lives with your PIL's, surely they can't come for christmas without him.
I imagine there's a lot more backstory to this but my advice would be, you try and stay out of it, you still visit PIL's and be pleasant to SS. You don't need to be his friend but from what you've said he hasn't done anything to you directly so you adding your hate for him is only making things more awkward and harder for your dh. You need to support your DH on this one and not make it about your feelings towards him. Imagine it was DH saying one of your children couldn't come for whatever reason

You say: “SS has lived with her since husband and ex divorced (another story but not relevant to this one).”

But I’m guessing it actually is relevant.

Agree!

Don’t kick up a fuss.

If you ban him his enabling grandparents will take pity and stay at home with him.

Invite, look forward to a lovely day with ILs and the chances, string chances, are that he won’t turn up.

For better for worse, he is your DH’s son, I think your DH has the casting vote on this.

I think there will only be awkwardness if you decide to make it awkward. He has treated your in-laws badly but if they, and your DH, can get past this then so should you. It's only one day (and every chance he won't come anyway).

Tis the Season of Goodwill to All Men - a wonderful opportunity to be magnanimous, provide food bonhomie and a family Christmas Day, all lost souls included.
Be gracious OP, mend fences, all will be well.

He's his son and is always going to be his son. I suggest that you pull together on this one. He's had a difficult upbringing and wouldn't be living with grandparents if not. Not in any way condoning his behaviour but he's got problems and family is family.

🙄

^^This

Why weren't they living with either parent?

awful, mean spirited, divisive post, hurtful, harmful, sad

well said, and kindly

Why are his kids leaving with their grandparents and not with one of the parents?

Given that he is invited but rarely comes, I suspect he will just not turn up.

Unless I am wrong he is 27??

Isn’t about time he changed his bloody ways. .How long do we baby our children . Ffs the grandparents could be dead soon
then what ?
He is lazy and disrespecting them

I don’t understand why he didn’t live with either the ex or your husband. At any point your Dh could have relived his parents of responsibility for his own children but he didn’t.

You are wrong, it clearly says 26. And his parents abandoned him long ago, if he's a mess now it's their fault.

You don't get to not raise your kid and then complain how they turned out.

He sounds very unhappy. I doubt being uninvited for Christmas will have any positive effect on his mental health, drug use or ability to hold down a job. This lad needs to be welcomed into his dad’s home and made to feel wanted.

harsh ! judgemental, comments from your self satisfied soapbox

the Spirit of Christmas obviously passed you by completely

and what

@DowntonCrabbie thoughtfully said, should give you cause to ponder
your irrelevant but aggressive remarks

Yes, why did the grandparents become responsible for two teenagers and now, young adults?

SS is your DH son, and your wrong to make him choose. Your husband plays a huge part in why your SS acts the way he is.

Thanks for all of your answers, it's helpful to get an outside perspective.

To answer them in no order:

Yes there is a rather long back story and 'drip feeding' info was never my intent, its hard to know where to start and what to include that is relevant.

Husband end ex split up when kids were approx 11 and 7. It was an acrimonious split (she cheated and left) and SS took it hard. Shortly after the split husband had a stroke and had to sell his house before losing it. Him and ex had 50/50 custody so when he moved in with IL the kids spent half their time there with him. Husband did not date for years after the split and dedicated all of his time to his kids (outside of work), so no they were not 'dumped' on the ILs, SS moved between the 2 parents for a few years not liking the rules either his mum or dad laid down. When we moved in together he did not want to come, SD was at this point living full time with he mum until recently. Husband has always made time for SS, he just didn't want it.

The issue I have with weed is not that he smokes it, he's smoking it in the house when he's been told not to and FIL have COPD so yes I find it disrespectful.

As stated I do have a very good relationship with SD, and they have been treated exactly the same.

I wouldn't use the word junkie. But I'd bet it is more than a little weed