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Original poster

Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

187 replies

Lifelessonsnotlearnt · 17/12/2024 09:27

Apologies for the long story but there is background context to add...

My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs married for 7. We each have kids from previous marriages, husband has (M26) and (F20). I get on really well with my SD, however SS tolerates me and is civil, but there is no real relationship there.

Rewind to a few months ago. SD and SS both live with husbands elderly parents (in their 80's). MIL is the loveliest person you could ever hope to meet and will do anything for anyone. SS has lived with her since husband and ex divorced (another story but not relevant to this one). SS has for the most part since turning adult has been in and out of work. There have been various 'interventions' with my husband on his lack of job, grumpy and rude attitide around the house, and not contributing to the house financially or physically, not to mention the smoking of weed in his bedroom! (FIL has COPD amongst other health issues). So during yet another 'chat' with SS, husband reiterated again that he needed to get a job, start contributing to the household and be more pleasant with his grandparents...and stop smoking weed in the house. MIL came in after and the conversation turned to her offing to pay for his driving lessons, which had been on the table since be was 17 and he hadn't taken her up on it, He took some sort of offence to this and he told her she was acting like C which obviously incited my husband and all h broke lose. Husband and SS were shouting and swearing at each other then SS stomped off to his bedroom crying.

SS didn't speak to husband for a few weeks and was cordial with inlaws. Afew weeks later he got a job, but continues to smoke weed in the house! (small changes?!).

Since then I haven't really visited MIL at her home as I'm still enraged at how he spoke to her and how he has treated her over the years, and the fact that he STILL smokes weed. Had that been one of my adult chidren they would have been shown the door! I just don't want to be in the same space as him, and have informed my husband so.

Fast forward to 10 days ago, my husband picked me up from work and informed me that inlaws and SS were coming for Chrismas dinner. Bearing in mind we had always had an 'open house' invitation, but they had never come. SS has only visited his father at out home once or twice and refuses to come when invited. He's had Christams invitattions previously, has said he's coming and just doesn't.

We have argued none stop since, I don't want him to come, husband says 'what am I supposed to do, he's my son'. I feel sick to my stomach thinking I have to spend the day in his company knowing what he's treating my inlaws. I feel there will be an awkwardness that veveryone will pick up on and it will ruin everyones day.

Am I being unreasonable, as husband says I am?

OP posts:
Pherian · 21/12/2024 07:02

You are being unreasonable. That is your husband's son and it’s your step son. You need to build a relationship with him and then perhaps you will have more influence in his life.

Zanatdy · 21/12/2024 07:02

He doesn’t sound very pleasant at all, but agree with your husband, he is his son and it’s christmas. Would you like him to say your child isn’t to come over for christmas?

hazelnutvanillalatte · 21/12/2024 07:10

MissDoubleU · 17/12/2024 11:01

Oh, come on. Smoking a bit of weed does not make him a junkie.

Maybe if his father was present more as a teen he wouldn’t be struggling so much as a young man. Unless there’s a huge drip feed happening it’s high time DF made his son a priority.

Show quote history

Agree with this. Many people can't 'grow up' if they are still struggling with unresolved abuse/neglect/trauma. There is a lot more to this story guaranteed.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 21/12/2024 07:13

He is a 26 year old man…not a child! He needs thrown in the bin 🙄

IL’s need to get him out the house! He needs to learn basic manners and respect. I understand how you feel with him coming to the house at Christmas but at the end of the day it’s his son. I do not like all my H family but tolerate them for his sake 😂

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2024 07:19

Finding it very hard to fathom he is 26yo. The behaviour you describe is that of a teenager. Is there something greater amiss with him?

TammyJones · 21/12/2024 07:21

Edingril · 17/12/2024 09:32

It is his son you know that so yes no matter the other replies will say you are being very unreasonable

This I'm afraid
And this is where (for one day ) you have be the bigger person.
He may not come and then if you does , stay a short time.
I do feel a bit sorry for him.
Parents divorce and he lives with grandparents
In and out jobs.
Dad made him cry ...
Sounds tough.
My eldest ss livid with other for almost 4 years after he became homeless (was on the streets a few nights till we found out)
But he pulled it around.
Try to stay positive.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2024 07:27

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 17/12/2024 16:11

Have I got the timeline and ages right with this?

So when the children were 11 and 7 their parents split up. They then spent 50/50 with each parent for 7 years until they were 18 and 12. During this time when they stayed with their father for 50% of the time, their grandparents were also there as their father was recovering from a stroke.

Then when they were 18 and 12 their dad moved in with OP. Daughter continued to be 50/50 mum and dad (plus OP) and son lived with grandparents as he was 18.

So I don’t see how dad abandoned him at all???

Why has son not done normal 18 year old things like get a job or go to uni? He’s had 8 further years, he’s still living with the grandparents, why?

They need to tell him to move out as he’s clearly not progressing as he should be in life. It’s one thing to be still living with parents/family due to housing prices, but that doesn’t seem to be what he’s doing, he appears to be abusing everyone and rotting.

You’ve got to be cruel to be kind, and telling him to move out would be a kindness to everyone really, especially him.

Edited

I read it as 18 and 14 but that aside l completely agree. So many posters not reading the detail or the updates and assuming DH ‘abandoned’ his kids. He did 50/50 with ex for his DD and DS lived with him and grandparents. At 18 he was an adult and old enough to make up his own mind about where he wanted to stay and also old enough to take responsibility for himself and get a proper job or go to uni. Wondering why so many people are blaming OP for that.

Maray1967 · 21/12/2024 07:30

CatWolf · 17/12/2024 09:42

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I have a relative like this and he royally pisses me off with his behaviour. But I do still think he should be allowed round at Christmas, as long as he behaves himself while there. Have an agreement with your DH that if he kicks off and is rude, then that’s it. No more Christmas with him unless he seriously grows up.

This. Out he goes if he swears at anyone or smokes weed. I would kick anyone out of my house who sloped off upstairs or went into the garden to smoke weed. DH needs to communicate that clearly.

TENSsion · 21/12/2024 07:30

It sounds like he had a very traumatic adolescence and will undoubtedly have abandonment issues and this been compounded by a dad who seems to get very angry. He is a product of his upbringing but this is being ignored. He needs help. Not further isolation. If you ban him from Christmas, you are only solidifying his feelings and compounding the issue.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2024 07:31

hazelnutvanillalatte · 21/12/2024 07:10

Agree with this. Many people can't 'grow up' if they are still struggling with unresolved abuse/neglect/trauma. There is a lot more to this story guaranteed.

Show quote history

But his father was present when DS was a teen - right up to adulthood at 18. Where is the neglect ?

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2024 07:31

TENSsion · 21/12/2024 07:30

It sounds like he had a very traumatic adolescence and will undoubtedly have abandonment issues and this been compounded by a dad who seems to get very angry. He is a product of his upbringing but this is being ignored. He needs help. Not further isolation. If you ban him from Christmas, you are only solidifying his feelings and compounding the issue.

Once more, where has he been abandoned ?

awaynboilyurheid · 21/12/2024 07:35

trapforsanta · 17/12/2024 12:41

The fact that his behaviour is worse than his sisters is not surprising if you look at the timeline. His mum left when he was 11. This is such a critical crucial age and he was likely more impacted than his younger her sister who was still in the throes of the magical thinking of childhood. At 11 your identity as an adult in this world is being rapidly shaped, and you have all the sudden insecurities of puberty, and at that moment his parents left him - his dad sort of left him too (by moving in with GP's and with his health issue - not your DH's fault but would have felt like abandonment to the son).

I would say he is in need of counselling. Has he had any? He sounds deeply deeply unhappy and depressed. The weed won't be helping long term but of course it will be numbing his pain.

It's so hard for anyone, girls and boys in different ways but for young men they often feel the pain can't be expressed and they fear appearing weak. So it gets internalised and comes out in angry bursts and avoidant behaviour. He is simply protecting himself and he doesn't know any other way.

I think the only way things will truly recover is if your husband tries to have some proper decent open and honest conversations with his DS, about the past, about what the DS went through and acknowledges his pain. I don't know how good your DH is with honest heartfelt communication but that is what required. And a lot of love (including boundaries but mainly involving investing time and interest) from him as well. Is there a hobby or regular activity they can do together to start the ball rolling?

Think this is all the op needs to read.

TENSsion · 21/12/2024 07:35

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2024 07:31

Once more, where has he been abandoned ?

Show quote history

When his dad moved out of the family home to live with a woman and her children in their house and he and his sister were left without either parent seemingly.

rwalker · 21/12/2024 07:36

Looks like you were looking for an excuse to to kick him to the kerb

as much as I despise weed it isn’t quite as simple as just telling someone to stop

sesquipedalian · 21/12/2024 07:36

OP, I completely understand your frustration with your DSS - but you can’t exclude him from Christmas, because it wouldn’t be fair to your DH - our children are always our children, no matter how wayward and difficult - and I suspect it would also upset the blameless ILs. I’m afraid you will just have to suck it up - so don’t argue with DH who is a father and doesn’t want to see his son excluded, and simply treat your SS as you would any other guest. Just be thankful you don’t have to live with your DSS - and do it with a good grace, for the sake of your lovely ILs who have done nothing wrong and have been landed with their DGS.

PastaAndProse · 21/12/2024 07:43

I'm not sure how 'I' messed 'the poor kid' up? Husband and Ex were split up long before I came on the scene.

Your contribution was moving in with his dad a year into knowing him, in the full knowledge that this meant leaving his teenage DS behind with his elderly parents. Quite despicable really.

Alondra · 21/12/2024 07:44

There are many issues between all of you but surely you can be civil for Christmas' Day?

If your DH and his family are happy with to spend Christmas Day together, why are you creating a drama not concerning you? Quit trying to control how your in laws will feel, and open your home to all.

GRex · 21/12/2024 07:44

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2024 07:31

But his father was present when DS was a teen - right up to adulthood at 18. Where is the neglect ?

Show quote history

He was 16/17 when they met and "nearly 18," i.e. 17 when dad moved out. We don't know what strain he faced as an 11-12yo when parebrs split, dad had a stroke and he lost his home. We do know he struggled with "mum's rules" at her house and she did not require that he stayed, we don't know if he saw much of her. We do know that college years (16/17) he was striving to get dad's attention by being dropped off by dad and walking out. We also know MIL was doing the parenting role of offering driving lessons at 17. It's clear that the patchwork of support from adults in his teenage years at best could be described as having unstable parenting. It's also clear that he's not moved on in life; no young man of 26 wants to be living with grandparents and having no job; this one burst into tears talking about it. He's struggling and he needs help. Whether someone else might have found the patchwork nature of how he was parented enough isn't relevant, this particular person's needs were not met. Is it too much to allow compassion to try to help him now?

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2024 07:46

TENSsion · 21/12/2024 07:35

When his dad moved out of the family home to live with a woman and her children in their house and he and his sister were left without either parent seemingly.

Edited
Show quote history

Not what OP said. OP and DH had 50/50 and DD, still has regular contact with her mum. DS had the choice to move in with them and didn’t want to. He was 18 - an adult. Where’s the abandonment ?

Wheresthebeach · 21/12/2024 07:49

Your feelings are understandable but you’ll need to smile and make the best of it. Lots of issues going on but it’s Christmas and your DH is right. Maybe he won’t come!

SnoopysHoose · 21/12/2024 07:54

The crying is upsetting to hear about and young people have a really hard gig these days.
He is 26!! not a child.

ChaosHol1 · 21/12/2024 07:55

It's not about you though is it. You're not his mum, you don't live with him and haven't been the one at the end of his verbal abuse. If his dad and grandparents want him there you can't shun him out at Xmas and need to suck it up.

Maybe in the new year now he's working, it's time for him to become a bit more independent and look for a house share. I'd absolutely not condone anyone smoking cannabis in my house, it will be making the grandparents stink as that smell clings to you.

TENSsion · 21/12/2024 07:58

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2024 07:46

Not what OP said. OP and DH had 50/50 and DD, still has regular contact with her mum. DS had the choice to move in with them and didn’t want to. He was 18 - an adult. Where’s the abandonment ?

Edited
Show quote history

And yet both now live with their grandparents which suggests neither have strong relationships with either parent. They view their grandparents’ home as their base where they feel most safe.
He went through a horrendous divorce, old enough to understand the reasons. Do you not think it possible that the reason he found it difficult to comply with his mother’s rules was because he was angry at her? Angry at the hypocrisy of her laying down rules while breaking her marriage rules and ruining their family unit?
He then lived with his grandparents who the husband clearly relied on heavily for providing stability for his children. The boy then had to watch his dad have a stroke and suffer the impact of what that causes. I would hazard a guess that this was the main reason he didn’t date for years after rather than as a thoughtful gesture to his children. And then, from the boys perspective, when his dad finally recovered, and he got to glimpse his old dad back, the dad moved out and played happy families with some other kids instead of moving out and creating a stable home for his own children.

It’s really not hard to view it from the kid’s perspective if you try.

Fargo79 · 21/12/2024 08:04

Most of my sympathy is for the elderly grandparents who have been put upon massively by your husband and his children. If his teenage son was not happy to move in with a new family (which is absolutely understandable, having already coped with his parents' acrimonious split and his father's ill health) then his dad should have stayed put and prioritised him. Not ditched him with the grandparents and swanned off with his girlfriend and her kids. Absolutely appalling, selfish behaviour. Your husband needs to accept a lot of responsibility for the way that events have played out.

It's also very hard to understand your position of "I love my ILs and am horrified at how they are being treated, so I'm going to refuse to visit them and just leave them to deal with SS alone". How does that work? More selfishness.

I feel very sorry for your husband's son, having been sidelined and more or less abandoned to his grandparents so his dad could prioritise his love life. People underestimate the impact on boys of having a crap father. I also feel deeply sorry for the grandparents whose twilight years have been completely sacrificed to mopping up your husband's mess and housing and parenting a troubled boy/man because your husband has better things to do.

BuildbyNumbere · 21/12/2024 08:10

Your husband has a 26 year old son that doesn’t work and that he has somehow managed to dump onto his elderly parents. Your SS should be living with you, not them!!! They’ve had their children. I think having him Xmas day is the least you can do. Poor people, in their 80’s and having to deal with all this that they can’t even enjoy their retirement and their home!!! I think you and your husband are very selfish, he needs to move out of their house asap.
Further to this, your SS is probably suffering from some kind of abandonment issues, parents divorce and he and his sister are sent to grandparents never to live with their parents again, no wonder he acts like this, he probably needs counselling. You need to looking to your husband and his ExW if you want to blame someone for this situation … it’s not about you and whether you feel “comfortable” spending the day with him, you married into this and both need to take some responsibility.