Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

[Lifelessonsnotlearnt]

Apologies for the long story but there is background context to add...

My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs married for 7. We each have kids from previous marriages, husband has (M26) and (F20). I get on really well with my SD, however SS tolerates me and is civil, but there is no real relationship there.

Rewind to a few months ago. SD and SS both live with husbands elderly parents (in their 80's). MIL is the loveliest person you could ever hope to meet and will do anything for anyone. SS has lived with her since husband and ex divorced (another story but not relevant to this one). SS has for the most part since turning adult has been in and out of work. There have been various 'interventions' with my husband on his lack of job, grumpy and rude attitide around the house, and not contributing to the house financially or physically, not to mention the smoking of weed in his bedroom! (FIL has COPD amongst other health issues). So during yet another 'chat' with SS, husband reiterated again that he needed to get a job, start contributing to the household and be more pleasant with his grandparents...and stop smoking weed in the house. MIL came in after and the conversation turned to her offing to pay for his driving lessons, which had been on the table since be was 17 and he hadn't taken her up on it, He took some sort of offence to this and he told her she was acting like C which obviously incited my husband and all h broke lose. Husband and SS were shouting and swearing at each other then SS stomped off to his bedroom crying.

SS didn't speak to husband for a few weeks and was cordial with inlaws. Afew weeks later he got a job, but continues to smoke weed in the house! (small changes?!).

Since then I haven't really visited MIL at her home as I'm still enraged at how he spoke to her and how he has treated her over the years, and the fact that he STILL smokes weed. Had that been one of my adult chidren they would have been shown the door! I just don't want to be in the same space as him, and have informed my husband so.

Fast forward to 10 days ago, my husband picked me up from work and informed me that inlaws and SS were coming for Chrismas dinner. Bearing in mind we had always had an 'open house' invitation, but they had never come. SS has only visited his father at out home once or twice and refuses to come when invited. He's had Christams invitattions previously, has said he's coming and just doesn't.

We have argued none stop since, I don't want him to come, husband says 'what am I supposed to do, he's my son'. I feel sick to my stomach thinking I have to spend the day in his company knowing what he's treating my inlaws. I feel there will be an awkwardness that veveryone will pick up on and it will ruin everyones day.

Am I being unreasonable, as husband says I am?

Grandparents need to tell him that if he smokes on house or speaks to grandma in that way again he has to leave

But it's not up to OP to tell the Grandparents that. If OP and her DH come in, telling the Grandparents what to do they will likely think 'who are you to give advice on parenting, the ones who messed the poor kid up'. The lad needs his Dad to work with him to help resolve the issues. That is our job as parents, to help raise functioning adults and when we don't put in the work with teens, we have to work harder when they're older to get them to the right place

If it was your ds op would you regard him as a druggie if he was a regular weed user? Would you want him around you /dc?
He must stink for one...

I'm not sure how 'I' messed 'the poor kid' up? Husband and Ex were split up long before I came on the scene.

My DS smoked weed with his mates as a teenager, but grew out of it. It was never on my property and he was told if I found it on him or in the house it would be down the loo. I wouldn't refer to someone smoking weed as a 'druggie' each to their own...but not in your grandparents house and not when you've been told not to numerous times. I cannot see how anyone would use his upbringing as an excuse to do that. He could go for a walk or smoke it in his unused car (as he didn't take MIL up on her offer to pay for his lessons).

Having read your updates OP, I can see why you find SS disrespectful and all the ongoing issues etc etc. However I think to ban him from Christmas is very unkind and just going to cause a bigger family rift. You say you feel awful about how SS treats your IL's but think of the position you're putting them in if you don't invite SS for Christmas, you'll be causing them as much upset as he does.

An “open house policy”? Wow, that’s very good of their literal father to allow his children to visit his home!

I think your husband has a bit of a cheek attempting to discipline his son, who lives with his grandparents rather than his parents, in his own home. Especially since he didn’t bother to raise them himself.

The grandparents are the de facto parents and should be disciplining him. Your husband sounds like a totally shit dad. As does their mum.

I feel sorry for the two of them having to live with their grandparents because their own parents can’t sort their shit out. Especially since the dad has moved on with you and they probably feel that there’s no place for them.

If you read my updates (I understand my lack of background info). DH did not abandon SS he had to move in with IL after a stroke shortly after his divorce from ex when he lost his house, DC had a room each at ILs (they have a large house) and 50/50 shared custody up to them being adults. SS wanted to stay with ILs he didn't want to move with his DD as we live rural and he didn't want to move in with his mum either as he didn't like her rules.

I take it you didn't bother to read my further posts. DH did raise his children. There has always been a place for both children with us, its only DS who doesn't want it. Grandparents are too old to deal with his shit and do tell him, but he's an adult he shouldn't need 'diciplining' he should be making his way in the world at 26.

Yes but you’ve failed to see the flip side as myself and PP have pointed out. When he told his father he wasn’t keen on moving to a new house with people he barely knew his DF did not prioritise him or his needs/emotions. His DF left him behind to focus on the new family. You can call this the DS choice all you like, but he also has every right to feel abandoned by DF.

I think it is very relevant that he has had to be brought up by his grandparents in because neither parent could or would.
The links between this sort of trauma a d poor mental health/addiction etc are well established.

Why on earth could he not have loved with his dad if his mum couldn't.

Poor bloke

So would you say that DH should have stayed single and just focus on his DS until he is ready to leave the nest (beaing in mind he's 26 now and showing no signs of being independent), leaving DH old and lonely? or are we forgetting that SS has 2 parents, both in his life, mum didn't up and leave she lives a mile away from him.....Im interested in your take on this (this is not an argumentative question BTW).

I have read them, and I don’t think it changes anything. Neither of his parents parent him, and they haven’t done for a long time. They can’t now start interfering in his life with his grandparents. i think the weed smoking is a symptom of the wider problem. He has been really really let down by his parents.

I know you say your husband had a stroke etc, but why didn’t his kids move in with the two of you the second it was possible? He hasn’t been a parent in the interim, that’s why. You say they share hobbies before your step son disengages - I mean, any wonder??? He’s waiting for his dad to abandon him again.

You not wanting him for Christmas is the least of the issues here. Be honest, neither of you want him 365! And you all know it!

Those questions aren’t for me to answer I have simply suggested you open yourself to his feelings on the matter, rightly or wrongly. Fair or unfair to your relationship with DH.

Answer this, how old was SS when DH moved to live with you? Because the implication would be around 16/17? Divorce at 11, 5 years single, 1 year relationship pre-living together. It’s still a very pivotal time in a young man’s life. Understanding everything he went through do you think it could also have been fair to say your DH might have deferred moving in with you for say, 1 one more year to focus on his DC and try and set them up right before moving on to his own happiness?

What would you think of a mother who left her child to be raised by grandparents so she could move in with a new partner?

Of course you don't have to stay single but you have to ensure that your children's needs are met first.

What would you have done if your children had 'refused' to live with you when you moved in with DH? would you have shipped them off to your parents?

Point taken...which is why I put it out there, to see if I'm being unreasonable. Unfortunately is seems my husband is getting a bashing for his son's behaviour which I feel is unfair given the background information, but peoples views are peoples views.

Exactly this.

I can tell you right now OP that if my DC were uncomfortable with a move, new family and new step father I would be telling my DP that we can continue living separately until such times as they are comfortable. One year together before moving in isn’t actually that long either, not with a blended family and SC on both sides. You could very easily have continued your relationship without pressuring the situation or having your DH leave his son behind.

Like it or not, this has very obviously had an impact on your SS and opening yourself to understand that is going to be your first step in helping him. If you really listen to those giving you this insight, rather than get defensive, you’ll find the empathy for him we have.

It’s interesting you’re saying your DH is being “bashed for his sons behaviour” instead of that he is being fairly criticised for leaving his teenage son behind to be happy with his new family.

The “acrimonious split” will have taken its toll, as will dad moving out to be with you.

That said .. this is between DH, his son, and his parents. Some young people act up, it’s just part of becoming an adult. His relationship with his grandparents might be fine 99% of the time, they have not asked him to leave, so I don’t thing you need to be angry on their behalf.

Your DH has every right to ask his parents and son over, on Christmas Day. Nobody needs you getting insulted or offended on other peoples behalf. Don’t have your DH choose between you, and his children.

SS was 16 going on 17 when we met as he was in college (when he turned up), DH didn't move in with me until he was almost 18. SD was still 50/50 at this point so she moved with DH.

Sadly OP I think by being married to DH this has become your problem too . Your DH needs to support his parents who are acting in loco parentis . Having your ILs for Christmas ( and SS ) is part of that . By insisting he doesn’t join you will only cause more pain to ILs and DH and probably won’t impact SS at all . Not saying it’s easy .

Point taken.

I completely agree. It's the utter lack of accountability.
I say that as a step parent in a blended family btw, not someone who will always look to find fault with step families.

I was with my OP for 3 years and he was a regular part of family life long before we moved in. Even then the kids found it very hard and there are things we got wrong along the way which we have gone to great efforts to fix (e.g. our respective youngest DC got along famously so we set them up in a shared room which went horribly wrong, it was just too much for them to share the space all the time. We immediately started saving to split rooms so they all had their own all room 6 months later, they both found this a very hard period).

The OP is using language to distance her and DH from any mistakes with 'mistakes were made' rather than 'we made mistakes'.
She is also expecting understanding for the mistakes that she and DH made when they were presumably older than DSS is right now.

If my children or step children had struggled so much with the prospect of us moving in together we would have put in on hold indefinitely, not packed them off to live with grandparents. We could obviously still have had a relationship, just living separately, as we had for the previous 3 years.

Also from what you have said your DH JM was living with his parents and moved in with you, presumably into your home. When DSS wasn't comfortable to come too, he left him behind. It's utterly shitty behaviour and will definitely be impacting on him now. Heaven forbid he actually set up a home for him and his son to settle in after all that had happened.

I also think OP is being very harsh on him. There was a row which got heated and both DH and DSS used language and aggression that does not sound typical of them. If this is not a regular occurrence it sounds like you are waiting for an excuse to jump on DSS.

Credit where credit is due. There are many people on here who won't take a point!!

I think that the best thing for his mental health and thus prospects and your and DHs relationship with him, is to continue to show the unconditional love that he may not have felt when he was younger. (It might not be that his DH didn't love him, but living with dad was conditional on moving into your home with your family and his mum genuinely did abandon him).

He's obviously not in a good place but is trying and I think the your love and support will be key.

Have I got the timeline and ages right with this?

So when the children were 11 and 7 their parents split up. They then spent 50/50 with each parent for 7 years until they were 18 and 12. During this time when they stayed with their father for 50% of the time, their grandparents were also there as their father was recovering from a stroke.

Then when they were 18 and 12 their dad moved in with OP. Daughter continued to be 50/50 mum and dad (plus OP) and son lived with grandparents as he was 18.

So I don’t see how dad abandoned him at all???

Why has son not done normal 18 year old things like get a job or go to uni? He’s had 8 further years, he’s still living with the grandparents, why?

They need to tell him to move out as he’s clearly not progressing as he should be in life. It’s one thing to be still living with parents/family due to housing prices, but that doesn’t seem to be what he’s doing, he appears to be abusing everyone and rotting.

You’ve got to be cruel to be kind, and telling him to move out would be a kindness to everyone really, especially him.