Not wanting my SS over for Chistmas Day

[Lifelessonsnotlearnt]

Apologies for the long story but there is background context to add...

My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs married for 7. We each have kids from previous marriages, husband has (M26) and (F20). I get on really well with my SD, however SS tolerates me and is civil, but there is no real relationship there.

Rewind to a few months ago. SD and SS both live with husbands elderly parents (in their 80's). MIL is the loveliest person you could ever hope to meet and will do anything for anyone. SS has lived with her since husband and ex divorced (another story but not relevant to this one). SS has for the most part since turning adult has been in and out of work. There have been various 'interventions' with my husband on his lack of job, grumpy and rude attitide around the house, and not contributing to the house financially or physically, not to mention the smoking of weed in his bedroom! (FIL has COPD amongst other health issues). So during yet another 'chat' with SS, husband reiterated again that he needed to get a job, start contributing to the household and be more pleasant with his grandparents...and stop smoking weed in the house. MIL came in after and the conversation turned to her offing to pay for his driving lessons, which had been on the table since be was 17 and he hadn't taken her up on it, He took some sort of offence to this and he told her she was acting like C which obviously incited my husband and all h broke lose. Husband and SS were shouting and swearing at each other then SS stomped off to his bedroom crying.

SS didn't speak to husband for a few weeks and was cordial with inlaws. Afew weeks later he got a job, but continues to smoke weed in the house! (small changes?!).

Since then I haven't really visited MIL at her home as I'm still enraged at how he spoke to her and how he has treated her over the years, and the fact that he STILL smokes weed. Had that been one of my adult chidren they would have been shown the door! I just don't want to be in the same space as him, and have informed my husband so.

Fast forward to 10 days ago, my husband picked me up from work and informed me that inlaws and SS were coming for Chrismas dinner. Bearing in mind we had always had an 'open house' invitation, but they had never come. SS has only visited his father at out home once or twice and refuses to come when invited. He's had Christams invitattions previously, has said he's coming and just doesn't.

We have argued none stop since, I don't want him to come, husband says 'what am I supposed to do, he's my son'. I feel sick to my stomach thinking I have to spend the day in his company knowing what he's treating my inlaws. I feel there will be an awkwardness that veveryone will pick up on and it will ruin everyones day.

Am I being unreasonable, as husband says I am?

How did he come to be living at his grandparents in the first place ?

Please read my updates, I have elaborated. 😁

“Almost” 18. Still a child, still a teenager. His father chose the new happy life rather than waiting a little while, focusing on his parental duties and making sure his son was actually alright, settled, and ready/able to move through to his next stage of life.

You said he wasn’t turning up to college, so by your admission he very much did need guidance at this stage of his life. It was not the time to make huge life changes and leave him behind. Your DH prioritised his own happiness over his existing, troubled DC and this has left the lad stunted at the same stage of life as when his father left.

Yes, thats correct, he's now 26.

He was absolutely still getting guidance and support. Me husband had numerous visits to school when he was younger due to his behaviour and interventions with college as he would drop him at one entrance and he's walk right out of another. It was my Husband who kept him in college so he could gain his missed o'levels from school. The support continued when he moved in with me so I fail to see your point on this. He has always been there for his son.

Regardless he is his son, he is comìng with the in laws. He should be made to feel welcome. Hopefully, this will be the olive branch everyone needs for a restart. Show him how functioning families operate bu actions

I feel you’re deliberately missing the point that has been explained by several people numerous times now. Regardless of what support was offered to him he was still left behind. His father chose to no longer live with him because he had a better offer. That is 100% going to hurt and traumatise an already troubled, traumatised child.

As a number of us have said, if our DC were upset at the idea of moving into a new family dynamic and suggested they stay behind, we would all choose to stay behind with them and continue our relationships without living together. Because children come first and they need to know they will be chosen. They will not be abandoned or left behind. Your DH did not do this. Regardless of how much he checked in he demonstrated to his son that he was happy to move on and leave him behind.

Yes maybe if the dad had been more hands on and not left the upbringing of his children to the grandparents things wouldn't be so bad.

There is a back story which has been added, upbringing was not left to the grandparents.

He sounds very emotionally immature OP and still requires support (not everyone's emotional growth is the same) This delayed growth development wether you like it or not is partly your husbands fault he perhaps hasn't handled his son's situation well or he would actually be a well rounded young man if he'd done his parenting job correctly. However, your dislike/maybe even resentment of how "you" perceive he should be acting doesn't show you in a very nice light either, maybe stop pointing the finger at others and really dig deep and address your issues that you clearly have with this young man, a bit of empathy would not go amiss- work with him instead of against him - he needs the right kind of guidance not your scorn and judgement. Not inviting him on Christmas is just vindictive btw - i know you probably feel you've both done everything you can (snd i can see you both have worked hard to set him on the right path, you probably feel at the end of your tether with the ungrateful wee sh!te) but that's part of being a parent you don't give up because their hard work, ungrateful, immature, a pain in the ass etc He is all these things but also a young man probably confused, hurting, sad, lonely not knowing how to express his emotions- he needs help maybe counselling- what he doesn't need is further exclusion by a step-mother

Point taken. I never saw it as being vindictive, just protecting the other kids who he has had negative opinions on and giving the ILs a break from him but I take that on board.

Just suck it up for one day, he’s not staying overnight and tell him he is welcome but no smoking weed. So he will probably only stay 2 hours max before he has to slope off for a smoke. Everyone’s a winner! He gets dinner and you look like the bigger person.

Your husband moved away from his son at a time when his child needed him most. If your step-son wasn’t ready to move in and blend families, then it was too soon for your husband to move in with you.

your husband needs to do everything he can to restore the relationship with his son and to get his son’s life on track. If that means a Christmas dinner, then let the awkward Christmas festivities commence.

Yep. Moving in with his partner was more important than getting his son on the straight and narrow seemingly. I'm a single parent and would never dream of doing that.

In your place Op I'd let his son come for Christmas Day but with the proviso that he can't smoke in the house. MN's a bit weird about weed smoking, if someone lit up a cigarette in their house they'd go mad, but weed is OK. If your DSS isn't capable of going without weed then he can go in the garden

That’s awkward, he probably won’t come.

i wouldn’t want him ther but I understand your DH is torn. If he does come, I think time to have a quick adult chat like you would if your son, explain the house rules in a clear yet jolly non confrontational way, call out any rudeness in front of everyone and have a G&T after!
good luck.

If he does come to you, and he might not, he isn't going to smoke weed in your house. You say he smokes it in his room at the grandparents's place so not sitting in their company smoking it.

You say he told his grandmother that she was being like C. Who is 'C', is that your initial?

It sounds as though he is a very troubled chap. Most guys of 26 don't want to be living with parents, never mind grandparents, and those that do are saving up for their own place. Obviously he can't do that if not working, what sort of work does he do when he has it, is he trained for anything?

I think you can suck it up for one day. You don't explain why he appears not to be keen on you but if you take against him, it's hardly going to improve matters. It's strange that he never wants to visit you.

Your husband has the right to invite his son, it's his home too.

Op, the inlaws and SS have been tolerating each other since the blow up.
Christmas day is not a time to reignite the issues.

Keep the invitation open and be as pleasant as you can.
The inlaws deserve to be treated like treasured family; they are so helpful to your DH.
Ask your husband to call a truce and not revisit the issues raised ten days ago during Christmas.
Small steps for SS.

Insist that there will be no smoking of weed at your home though. Just remind SS once and don't make a big deal about it. Trust him to know how to behave.

Make sure the car has fuel and that DH is ready to assist SS straight there if he starts abusive language or behaviour.
Unfortunately that means that there is a small risk that DH will have to miss part of the day while he drives SS home.

My heart goes out to the ss, he sounds very damaged, hurt and lost to me. Your husband should never be losing his temper like that - a stroke does not cause a loss of temper op! The way to engage with his son is not to shout and swear and make him cry, but to take him out for a drink or some lunch and talk through calmly what the issues are. How is feeling. What is holding him back. It might be that he is doing much more care for me his gps than you realise. Or he is struggling in another way.

Yes he might very well need some professional help, thanks to the terrible job his parents have done ruining his childhood.

I feel very very sorry for this young man, both children actually. It doesn’t sound like the parenting has been remotely adequate.

And your answer to all of this op is to pour petrol on the situation and ban him from even spending Christmas with the family?! What a heartless and cruel thing to suggest. As if he hasn’t been through enough. Why don’t you welcome him with open arms, treat him with some love and respect, make him feel cared for and wanted you might be amazed at the difference. Even if there is no difference at all - you have been the adult, and the bigger person which is desperately required here.

Your ss needs lots of support and care. I hope he can work through his childhood trauma and feelings of abandonment. ‘Moving on’ is very challenging for anyone without significant support.

I feel quite sorry for your dss. Your dh has quite a lot of making up to do. Else he will perhaps start a family himself and create the next generation of damaged children.

Dont get anymore involved in it. If your partner and his parents are enabling SS to behave the way he does, why get so angry on their behalf about it?

You'll just end up being the bad guy, I'd just stay out of it

I understand where you are coming from OP.
But I think you have to let the invitation stand.
Something, somewhere along the line, has gone wrong for this young man and he failed to find his way after education. At least he does have a job now and that should be acknowledged as a positive. Something to build on and be proud of.

The fact that he ran crying to his room aged 26, shows he’s also unhappy with his situation, probably with himself and being a disappointment to everybody.

There might just be a chance he’s trying hard to turn his life around a bit. For that reason alone, I would give him a chance, a warm smile to let him know he is welcome. -If he even manages to be brave enough to turn up that is.
Plan for a lovely day for your in laws. They deserve every consideration and I’m sure they are desperately hoping for a break in the pattern of their lives if only their son and you and grandson could bond for a day without rancour. They have more than done their duty. Do it for them.

Family get to come on Christmas day. His crimes of being stroppy and smoking weed don't stop that.

With him getting so upset, I wonder if his family have missed help he needs. It can be easy to say "get a job", but he had emotional issues as a teen, living with an unwell father and retired grandparents, then being left to care for himself at the grandparents at 16. All the excuses around this are pointless, you need to look at the status now and it's clear that he seems to have missed crucial steps in understanding how to get work. At this point, it may help to get right back to the start and go back over every step. What's his CV, is it well written or can he be helped to improve it? Has someone gone over job options with him to work out what he really wants to do, what the CV education or experience gaps are, and how to get there? How can he be helped to get any type of work experience that will bolster the CV? It's all very well to say he ought to contribute, but he's got stuck somewhere in the process and needs practical help at this point.

I have every sympathy with you OP. I have two adult children in my world (I’m not going to call them step, I’ve had no involvement in their upbringing at all). I came on the scene 10 years after their parents split, the mother was abusive to my husband in every which way. I can’t bear either of them, they’re not good people, and I am so unhappy that I have spend time with them at Christmas and every gathering. It ruins them for me. I suck it up and am endlessly polite and engaged for the sake of everyone else, but I hate it. I secretly fear for you, as what’s the plan when your elderly ILs are no longer able to house him? Yes, he’s an adult, but there’s a failure to launch here. I send solidarity, it’s a very difficult situation when you don’t like their children.

If SS has form for not turning up perhaps he won't this time either. Or if he does he won't stay long.