Finances

[Flowerflowering]

Just wanted to vent a little and share my story…so, my husband and I have been struggling a lot financially. We don’t have any savings, our living costs keep increasing (our rent is super high) and our salaries are just not cutting it. After payday we’re often left with just enough for food and that often finishes very quickly so some months it can get very difficult and stressful. I sometimes rely on my mum and she often helps when she’s able to, but my husband usually finds it very difficult to ask for help. I’m not expecting him to be demanding hand-outs or something but I would just like him to use his initiative sometimes and ask close family members when we’re really struggling for basic essentials, instead of burying his head in the sand and behaving as though he’s oblivious to the fact that some days we run out of food and the fridge is almost empty. I’d also like to add that he’s got a large family and has some family members that are very well off - I’m not saying that means he should take advantage but I don’t see why he can’t ask them for help when it’s needed? We’ve got very young children as well, which causes additional stress. He’s very matter of fact and blasé about the situation and I don’t know whether this is just him being all “macho” about it and hiding his emotions as men sometimes do…but it’s started to upset me a little. I know there are options such as getting seconds jobs etc but our kids are still young and I wouldn’t want to always be out of the house and exhausted because I’m trying to make extra cash because my kids would ultimately be affected by this…but then again, even if I did, it would probably be for a short while perhaps. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed 🥲

@Manara are you the OP?!

I've given my opinion just like you have.

His relatives may feel like me- hence her husband's reluctance to ask.

With respect- the OP doesn't work hard for her money- she gets it from her mother and wants her husband to ask his rich relatives.

Why don't you read the room and realise you are a minority in your opinions about the OP and her entitlement?

@Manara

I also feel bitterness coming from you for people who may have made life choices that resulted in better outcomes?

Are you being deliberately obtuse? OP has a job and is raising kids, she is working hard.

You haven’t given an opinion, you’ve made a character assassination of someone clearly struggling.

So what if I’m a minority? Are you going to try and incite a pile on on me just as you’ve done on the OP?

No, I’m very lucky in life which has made me grateful for what I have and understanding of those struggling. Sorry if that disappoints you.

There have also been a lot of inquiries about the exact figures, how they came to be, a lot of judgment about how someone with a £4k income could be struggling.

Like people are saying “you’ve made some shit choices, show me them.”

I think she knows!

FWIW, I’d sell a kidney before I got a second job that took energy I don’t have, and meant I spent longer away from my family. Skint or otherwise.

That’s very judgemental. She might work incredibly hard in her job. You have no idea what she does. They have got themselves in a pickle and the solution isn’t to rely on family forever but sometimes people find themselves in situations where they do not know what to do. And when their kids are going to be left without essentials, she’s doing something about it. When I find out my brother has let my niece and nephew go without, I intervene. Help out with swimming lessons, school trips etc. because I care for my family and can afford it. But I wouldn’t give my brother money directly.

So not everyone will feel like you. Just because you work hard and have done well doesn’t mean you are superior. You don’t know this woman. Have a bit of compassion

@Manara

I'm Not inciting anything. You picked up on my comments not the other way round originally.

Just giving my opinion which I believe is allowed? It may not be the same as yours or the OPs though. Just pointing out the majority of opinions on here suggest that asking wealthy family members for money is not the way forward.

No, I’m very lucky in life which has made me grateful for what I have and understanding of those struggling. Sorry if that disappoints you.

I'm actually very happy you've been lucky in life. Not disappointed at all. But I'm sure you haven't gone to your other half asking them to ask wealthy family members for money on a regular occurrence as they cannot live within their means?

@Heretobenosy

Actually you are correct. I do take back the comment about not working hard. OP May very well work very hard.

My bad. That's on me and I should have worded it better.

To be honest, it sounds like you can no longer afford to rent the property you live in. And whilst I hear your concerns regarding the cost of moving, I see this as being one of your only options.
Recieving money from family members is only a short term fix. You need to be thinking longer term. When you determine future affordability of properties you need to also factor in your debt repayments. Otherwise you are fooling yourselves and will never lift yourselves out of this financial position.
You may even need to consider relocating to a cheaper part of the country if there is no cheaper rental properties around nearby. This is the sad reality of the cost of living crisis.

I thought this. It's not a high income considering you're both working full time.

Telling someone they they’re in the minority is being superior. That’s what YOU tried to do, try to make me feel bad with your ‘us vs you’ attempt.

No, I’ve been likely enough not to need monetary assistance from family, but I commend OP for putting her pride aside to ask her family for money to buy food for her babies.

@Manara

I didn't mean minority to be superior.

I meant that your opinion statistically is much smaller percentage wise?!

But it looks like you're the one picking for an argument with me. Whatever.

So what if my opinion is statistically smaller? Does that mean I shouldn’t bother voicing my opinion?

Anyway, you’ve said your comment about OP not working hard was uncalled for so let’s just leave it.

Wow. Just wow.

Then to follow that up with
I don’t understand why people think I’m entitled based on what I’m posting? I’m probably the least entitled person you’ll meet. I don’t expect anything from anyone, I’m very low maintenance.

I mean. Words almost fail me.

How do you get to a point where you think other people should regularly give you their money, because you choose to live beyond your means ?

You (from your post about the debt you have) have clearly been living beyond your means, yet are not willing to do anything about it, and then start a thread asking if YABU to expect your dh's family to subsidise your lifestyle month after month, then have the audacity to pretend you don't know why people think you are being entitled.

Could one of you give up the day job for a few weeks to work nights? Would save on childcare. It would be awful to have two jobs 😔 Try and find savings elsewhere before doing that.

I agree with OP on the point of those who are better off helping. I’m not sure my family would need to ask tbh.

If someone has less than me, and is visibly struggling - why wouldn’t I support them? Yes I would want them in the long term to resolve things, but if I had it and they needed it.. why wouldn’t I help?

My brother once had a real crisis over a bill that was due, it was £20 more than usual and his budget was so tight he didn’t have it. I obviously sent him the £20, without him asking or lowering himself to begging.

Probably because when people have accrued debt and not explained why, they’ve often been living beyond their means. If that’s the case it makes the problem somewhat self inflicted and there doesn’t seem to be any acknowledgement of that.

She has explained her rent has shot up.

Her family have told her she needs to ask for help more so they clearly love her and don’t want to see her and her kids suffer. They don’t see her as entitled.

The why isn’t anyone’s business.

I’ve been in and out of debt most of my adult life, some self inflicted and some circumstantial that has taken however long to get out of.

But on every occasion, including when I was being an idiot - I knew.

You might like the Moneysavingexpert web site. There is a lot of advice on there about budgeting, they also have a free budget spreadsheet. Martin also has various changes that might be worth looking at ie I used to pay about £220 pa to the AA ... I now pay £64 pa to Autoaid, for the same service. When my husband died I cancelled Sky, and now have Netflix for £4.99 per month. I think there is some gadget you can use to still get sports :)

Planning a week of meals would also help, it enables clever use of everything you buy without any waste. Do you take your lunch and a drink/flask to work? Saves a lot of money.

Good luck, I do hope you can make your money work hard for you, and save a deposit, aim for 10% of what you bring home, it is worth it for the security. My friend's daughter is 42 with two children and a partner, and six months after moving in to their new rental, the landlord has told them he has to sell.

Work out a budget.

1. List the amounts for income per month

Your wages
DP wages
Universal credit
Child benefit
Other benefits
Chold maintenance payments
Any other income

2.. List:the amounts for outgoings per month:

Rent/Mortgage
Service charges
Gas/Heating oil
Electricity
Water
Sewerage
Contents insurance
Buildings insurance
Council tax
Phone (mobile)
Phone (landline if you have one)
Pet insurance
Pet food
Pet inoculations
Gym membership
Car tax
Tyres
MOT
Car servicing
Car insurance
Petrol/diesel
Public transport
Food
Non food groceries (eg cleaning products)
Childcare
After school clubs
School uniform
Clothing
Footwear
Monthly subscriptions
Haircuts and personal care (eg shampoo/razors)
Spectacles/contact lens
Dental costs
Prescriptions
Professional costs (Eg association membership)
TV licence
Broadband
Union membership
Christmas (presents/cards etc)
Birthdays
Holidays
Boiler service
Life insurance

1. Subtract the grand total of List 2 from List 1 and it will show what money you have available to address your debts.

1. Look where you can increase income

a. Benefits
b. Additional earnings.
c. Check you're on the right tax code or can claim anything like Married tax allowance.

1. Look where you can reduce your outgoings

a. Council tax - see if you can pay over 12 months rather than the usual 10. You won't pay any less but will spread the cost
b.. Look at going on a water meter if not already metered. If already metered look at water saving gadgets; check for leaks inside and out and look at tariffs.
c. Get best deals on gas and electricity.
d. Look at pre payment scheme for prescriptions
e. See if Union membership gives you good deals on anything.
f. Cancel subscriptions that are no longer relevant.
g. Get the Petrol prices app for cheapest local vehicle fuel.
h. Cut back on who you buy for at Christmas and birthdays
I. See if you are out of contract on your phones and get a similar only deal.
j. When buying anything ask " Do I WANT this or do I NEED this?
k. Sell anything (clothes toys, furniture, appluances) that has outlived its use by your family.
l. Meal plan.
m. Look at 0% interest deals for credit card debt.
n. Review the budget regularly

I'm sure someone will also suggest other ways to make your money work for you!

I'm just off to bed and thought of the freezer ... I've had to downsize and miss my great big chest freezer, I'm not sure what size you have. I used to buy lots of yellow sticker foods and freeze, as well as batch cooking lots of sauces/soups etc.

Good luck, I hope by this time next year you've got a handle on this.

I agree with OP on the point of those who are better off helping. I’m not sure my family would need to ask tbh.
If someone has less than me, and is visibly struggling - why wouldn’t I support them? Yes I would want them in the long term to resolve things, but if I had it and they needed it.. why wouldn’t I help?

Because the OP and her OH have a healthy income.
Because the OP and her better half refuse to acknowledge they are constantly living beyond their means.
Because this isn't a 'one off', and she isn't talking about £20. She seems to think other people should cover her lack of willingness to budget.
Because she seems to think other people owe her in some way, when she isn't willing to do anything about the debt, or the fact they regularly run out of money, despite having a healthy income and the dc are at the cheapest stage of life.

Thank you so much for this, super helpful.

Doesn’t matter if we think her income is healthy, it’s not currently meeting their needs. Which she has said is because of their increased outgoings, and debt management.

The OP was about how overwhelmed and difficult she’s finding it.

I know that being in that position, whatever the reason, can feel like your world is closing in.

It took me a long time to work out how to be better, which if I’m honest isn’t always the finished article. It took even longer to pick up the courage to do it.

We don’t know if they’ll sit down and work out what can be done, but if a member of my family was struggling to that degree and I had funds available, I wouldn’t just keep hold of them.