To rip MIL a new one?

[Someadvice]

For some context I’m late 20’s, engaged to be married next year to DP. MIL is a difficult woman. She is interfering and struggled to cut the cord with DP.

We now have strong boundaries with her as if we didn’t she would attempt to interfere in every inch of our lives. I don’t dislike her but do struggle (as does my DP) with her in more than short doses.

My relationship with my own Mother is strained at best. She is a narcissist and I grew up in a volatile household. I was placed on the child protection register as a teenager due to neglect and I almost ended up in care. I am low contact with her and would prefer it if it was no contact but familial relationships make this impossible as she controls them all. She can be fine for a while and then she will do something that causes me extreme upset so it is better if I just do not communicate with her unless necessary.

MIL has taken it upon herself to try and forge a relationship with my Mother despite having never met her and despite being told not to. She found her on Facebook and will constantly message her with details of our lives. Telling her what we’re up to and that we’re going to see her and do things with her. This has been led to abusive messages from my own Mum asking why we never go and see her.

My DP has told his Mum time and time again to leave my Mother alone. I’ve heard him on the phone, I’ve seen messages, he’s even gone to her house and sat her down for a chat. Told her I don’t really get along with my own Mum and it’s difficult and she shouldn’t get involved. She listens for a bit and then it starts again. The straw has broke the camels back today and I’ve found out MIL has invited my Mum over for a Christmas trip out and my Mum has accepted. I am fuming. I have done so well and been through years of therapy to help work through my childhood and keep my Mother at arms length and MIL is ruining all of my progress.

She clearly is not listening to DP. We are due to visit her for our annual Xmas visit in a few days and I want to rip her head off. I genuinely do not want to fall out with her but I’m not sure how else to get through to her here?

Because the MIL is emotionally abusive, obviously. We can all see that. The only person who can’t see that is you.

You're talking nonsense.

Unfortunately I can't say what I really want to say because I like posting here...

I’m convinced that poster is on the wind up now and we are giving the reaction they are looking for.

You are not the only one with an attention-seeking mother - clearly MIL just loves making herself the centre of things. This behaviour is deliberate and hurtful and you should feel no qualms about ditching the visit.

i even wonder if she might invite your mother over on the planned pre-Christmas date.

Stop splitting hairs. She was an "abused child" who is now an adult.

Are you always this disagreeable?

If you liked learning about coercive control you might enjoy learning about flying monkeys

Flying Monkeys

Yes, you're right. I think we should just ignore.

So in your world, once victims of child abuse have grown up, you can no longer call the perpetrator a child abuser?

JFC, what's the matter with you?

There's a lot clearly. Best ignored really.

It's sad but I think you need to step right back from your MIL, she is either spectacularly thick or is enjoying undermining you.

Just leave them to it imo. No law saying you must see either of them. Mil wants a rise out of you so stop giving her one.

This

@Watchmesing Really? You don’t know anybody who wasn’t taken into care for severe neglect as a child?? Where the fuck do you live? Surely you at least went to school and met other children who hadn’t been taken into care?

Only read your OP. Usually I think irritating MIL threads are often skewed or hyperbolic and overly dramatic.

Not in this case. Your MIL is extremely out of order. I like to be peacemaker too. But I wouldn't overstep boundaries that are that deeply entrenched. YANBU to rip her a new one. Not at all.

dont go and see mil
ignore mother
let them get together mil will soon find out what she is like or else she will find someone as bad as herself so you will get rid of both of them

That's good advice.

You are going to need to set watertight boundaries now. You are both coming into this marriage with a lot of baggage, and this isn't going to get better. In fact, it's likely to get much worse when/if you have children. Both of you have to be totally committed to dealing with it as a united couple.

Even if you distance yourself completely from her - and I think that you should, unless she disengages with your mother - she's always going to have an influence/input via your DP. It's going to be extremely difficult for him to continue a relationship with her and never mention you or any personal details relating to you.

Think carefully here.

Good god OP, I really feel for you. My husband has just made contact with his absent father and his father was told straight away that should he ever pass information to DH other family members then the relationship would be over.

Your fiancé needs to visit his mum alone and not tell her about you. That's if he wants to see her!

We now have strong boundaries with her as if we didn’t she would attempt to interfere in every inch of our lives.

No you dont.

A boundary includes the consequence for overstepping or the deadline missed to be communicated and then enacted without further explanation or negotiation.

Neither of you have provided that clarity.

Agree. Let the two mums have a miserable day together. DH shouldn't go either.

MIL will soon get the message.

A short text to MIL explaining that she has chosen once again to contact your mother and as she has made her choice then so too have you and you will not be meeting with her for the foreseeable future

I would say that @NZDreaming is spot on.

It can be really difficult for anyone who has not grown up in an abusive home to grasp just how bad it was. Its hard to believe the reality for anyone who has not experienced the manipulation and control involved. If they have notions of "fixing things" you will have to be really, brutally blunt about the reality if you have not gone into detail before they take it seriously. Even then with a manipulative narcissist in the mix it may not work.

If MiL won't take it seriously even when bluntly told the facts then your only option is to keep your distance, even though that has ramifications for your DH's siblings as well. This will be your MiL's responsibility - you must do what you need to preserve your own sanity and sense of safety.

Its not weird that one mother considers contacting the family of her new DCiL - some do, some don't. I always took the view that iL relationships were like work relationships - aim for a decent working relationship where you can rub along as needed and sometimes more will follow but its fine to just rub along.

Of my DCiLs' parents I am quite friendly with one set - we had geographical proximity and some shared interests. Two sets are Xmas cards, family event cards, and happy to see them if we meet up at family events but that is it. One I have no contact with because she was an abusive fucker of a mother to my DCiL, I do know what that meant and I don't have delusions that I could perform miracles with narcissists.