To rip MIL a new one?

[Someadvice]

For some context I’m late 20’s, engaged to be married next year to DP. MIL is a difficult woman. She is interfering and struggled to cut the cord with DP.

We now have strong boundaries with her as if we didn’t she would attempt to interfere in every inch of our lives. I don’t dislike her but do struggle (as does my DP) with her in more than short doses.

My relationship with my own Mother is strained at best. She is a narcissist and I grew up in a volatile household. I was placed on the child protection register as a teenager due to neglect and I almost ended up in care. I am low contact with her and would prefer it if it was no contact but familial relationships make this impossible as she controls them all. She can be fine for a while and then she will do something that causes me extreme upset so it is better if I just do not communicate with her unless necessary.

MIL has taken it upon herself to try and forge a relationship with my Mother despite having never met her and despite being told not to. She found her on Facebook and will constantly message her with details of our lives. Telling her what we’re up to and that we’re going to see her and do things with her. This has been led to abusive messages from my own Mum asking why we never go and see her.

My DP has told his Mum time and time again to leave my Mother alone. I’ve heard him on the phone, I’ve seen messages, he’s even gone to her house and sat her down for a chat. Told her I don’t really get along with my own Mum and it’s difficult and she shouldn’t get involved. She listens for a bit and then it starts again. The straw has broke the camels back today and I’ve found out MIL has invited my Mum over for a Christmas trip out and my Mum has accepted. I am fuming. I have done so well and been through years of therapy to help work through my childhood and keep my Mother at arms length and MIL is ruining all of my progress.

She clearly is not listening to DP. We are due to visit her for our annual Xmas visit in a few days and I want to rip her head off. I genuinely do not want to fall out with her but I’m not sure how else to get through to her here?

OP

Check if you still want to be married into this family.

If yes… Elope and move to Australia for a couple of years of peace.

Also “rip someone a new one” is fine. Don’t feed the trolls

The promotion was last year and we haven’t shared anything since but it is still hard. When we went out for a meal for BIL birthday she messaged my Mum “excited to see them both for a meal on this date”. It also means we have to be incredibly careful what we say to any of his siblings or his partners as stuff creeps through.

We have good relationships with his siblings and for the most part they are good with it but they do sometimes accidentally share stuff with her in convo. I don’t post anything about my life on social media so it’s not that. My last Facebook post was 2022 when I changed my pp

No, it's not! Wise up!

I'm guessing no father/FiL to back you up? You need to grey rock them both. Partner should stop going round to his mother, maybe he could meet her at a coffee shop on neutral territory?

You can enact consequences of their actions if they persist and I think that's what needs to be done here.

MIL is not interacting with the mum for any good reason - she's shitstirring, and she knows it!!

That's bullshit.

If my friend had abused you, then I wouldn't want to see them again either!!

The only disgusting poster is YOU.

I love that women are becoming more aware of what coercion and emotional abuse is but this is not it. Casually throwing around the terms is offensive and you are contributing towards the reason why women are not believed.

You are the only person with this belief on this thread so I have to believe you are doing it for a reaction. Are you really that bored?

Oh give it a rest - you've had your say repeatedly and you're wrong.

Yes but she was once an abused child. A child who was placed on a child protection plan. Do you know what a child must endure to be placed on a child protection plan? Why are you defending the mil and the abuser in this situation?

says a lot about your character.

OP has said the following about why she still has some contact with her abusive mum:

'The main one is she lives with both of my extremely unwell elderly Grandparents and one of them has cancer. In a few years it will most likely be possible. But not now.'

OP objectively had a terrible childhood due to her mother's neglect and is as low contact with her as she can possibly be while maintaining a relationship with her elderly grandparents. This doesn't mean that it is OK for MIL to form a relationship with OP's mum in which she provides the mum with ammunition to carry on with the abuse of her daughter.

It’s just SO weird!!! Even if you had a good relationship with your mum, it would come across as overbearing and competitive. Like she’s trying to show she’s so much closer to you than your mum is.

No it isn't.

Now that is really scraping the bottom of the barrel!!

What a horrible thing to say!!

Shan't!!!

The OP’s mum is not the MIL’s friend though is she?! If I had an ex-boyfriend that was constantly contacting my mum to tell her things about our relationship, and I told him to stop, would that be coercive control as well? Give over.

@Watchmesing

Stop making excuses for OP's mother's abusive behaviour.

Lots of people don't have much support and they don't abuse their children. What a horrible thing to say.

You are coming across really angry and hateful towards OP.

There is a difference between having a “shit”
childhood and having social services, the police and any other professionals involved in your life sitting at a table and deciding that your mother is a risk to your safety and wellbeing and that their intervention is needed.

Well maybe that's what's shaped your attitude, because most people don't have "an abusive childhood".

You can absolutely tell another adult that you don't want them to see someone - you can't make them do it, but if they care about your interests, they will comply.

I wouldn't want to hang out with an abuser.