Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

Sorry this is so jumbled. I am very upset.

A year is a big difference at this age - a three year old is probably bigger, more talkative and doing more stuff
nursery have no concerns
having a routine is important - maybe now he’s a bit older you can ease up a bit but you’ve done well on your own raising a child and that credit is to you

You sound like you've provided a very stable and routine led home, which is what I believe children need.

Don't beat yourself up x

It sounds like you have done a wonderful job and have a delightful child.

I have always expected good behaviour from my child and my family call me a strict parent.
I'm really not, I just have clear expectations.

This

Thank you for being nice with your posts @overthinkersanonnymus @rubyslippers @SerenityNowSerenityNow

if I am honest I know I am rigid with things and watching my nephew (3.5) race round and shout and he often has tantrums… ds has had tantrums of course but not like my nephew. I feel like ds ‘knows his place’ and that makes me feel so upset, he should be a boy and not feel I am going to tell him what to do all the time. I am confused as to whether my approach was ok or whether I have damaged him emotionally

There's always time to tweak things if you would like to..but don't beat yourself up, you've done your best and done it well.

Awww, OP, I feel for you. You've had to raise your son to be extra respectful of what you need him to do in order to keep your own sanity and to keep him safe. Only you can know how you have achieved that. Gentle but firm boundaries? Totally fine. Shouting and instilling fear? Not good. The fact that you are worrying about it makes me think it's the former. I truly believe that nature has a lot to do with how our children turn out. My DB has identical twin boys, so they have the same nature and nurture, yet they are very different characters. Your little one sounds cute. Try not to beat yourself up.

You've done exactly the right thing. Children thrive on routine and feel most secure when a parent is strict while also being loving. You're a good mum who is properly raising her child. You deserve congratulations.

Believe me if your ds wanted to run around he would.
My first was chilled and compliant.
My second was totally resistant to doing what I asked and tantrumed at everything.

It's just personality imo.

Op stop this please, you are giving yourself a hard time for no reason at all. A stable home and routine allows children to feel safe and cared for. You are doing great. He doesn't feel he can't be a child, he doesn't have the ability to make judgements like that. He is just being himself and he sounds wonderful (as do you).

As for him being quieter than his cousin; kids have different personalities same as adults do. My LO was super chilled and obedient. People always congratulated me on it as if I'd magicked this up but in fact it's just her personality.

The only thing I will say to you is maybe just give yourself a chance to enjoy these years. They will be over before you know it.

@Hecatoncheires i think there’s been occasions I have shouted, I can recall at least twice, probably a little more. Mostly it is just the fact that everything is done a certain way, everything is to the routine (obviously routine been tweaked as he has got older). But for example we have breakfast before play, that’s just what happens, I need it like this so that on a nursery day he has time to eat and doesn’t get lost in playing, so I keep it the same everyday. My sister in law said there was no way she could get my nephew to do that as he would just run off. It makes me feel I’ve brought ds up far too strictly.

Op my stbxh left me when ds was 1.5 (now 2) and I'm doing everything alone. That means surviving. I have so much guilt that I'm not the parent I wanted to be but then I also thought I'd be parenting in the context of a loving supportive marriage.

But here is the thing - I'm ds's constant, his stability and I need to do what I need to in order to cope so that I can be consistent for him.

Ds is quieter than some of my friends kids but that was the case before my marriage broke down and his dad disappeared from his life - that's been his personality. So while you're probably more acutely aware that you've been parenting with less resource and less support- you don't know who your ds would have been had things been different so you're comparing apples and bananas and you'll never really know what would have been? So there's absolutely no point in going down this rabbit hole. Instead I think you need to step back and reread all that you do for your ds- the fact you've coped so well doing it all alone. I hate that there will be aspects that ds misses out on because I'm doing things alone - I was sick this weekend and he had way more TV time than I'd ever normally give him for example- but that was what I needed to survive the weekend. I have to work not to beat myself up for that and to remind myself that perfect is an illusion. You're doing great and your ds is only little - nothing is permanent and if you feel like you're being too harsh then that doesn't mean you can't change that. I'd say I'm strict because I need ds to listen to me and I will always be the person to tell him off because there's only me to do it. So I make a point of reinforcing how much I love him and giving him as much praise as I can to try and balance it out.

And here's the thing - there's plenty of people out there in happy relationships who screw up their kids in one way or another! You do the best you can with what you have available!

@LifeExperience this is very kind and I’m not sure I deserve it. Thank you.

Oh, OP I can hear your concern in your post. I didn't want to read and run and I hope someone with more insight will be along soon. My two-penneth is that kids need boundaries and routine and you're doing the best you can. I very much doubt you have crushed anything in him.And (meant kindly), he's only 2.5. There's plenty of time to loosen up (if you even need/want to) before he even registers the importance of routine in your house. So I'm not much use to you in terms of giving guidance but I hear you. I question myself all the time about how I parent my 13 year old. I think it comes with the territory.

You've needed your DS to be obedient and reliable to keep him safe, to keep your own health good, and it appears to have been in his best interests. Nursery don't have any concerns about his demeanour and personally I reckon being on the strict side is better for the child than being too lax. You feel now you could be more relaxed so maybe showing him your fun happy side more often, as circumstances allow, would be okay too.

Parenting's a relentless and sometimes gruelling job, so cut yourself some slack. Being firm with solid boundaries is better for children, they feel more secure.

@Eyresandgraces do you think? I hope that’s the case as I can’t bear thinking I’ve stopped him being a child. He does have his moments obviously but he generally does what I say and it’s wildly different to my sister in law’s interaction with her ds

You are doing just great.

My kids were on a schedule - and it worked out just perfect for us. We all knew what we were doing when. I am not going to claim it works for all, but it does or can work for some. You will find that you slowly get more flexible as time goes on - when they drop their naps, or just get that bit older. Ours can be all over the place now!

You have certainly not squished the spirit out of him! The two boys are just different. And I can almost guarantee that the cousins mum went home wishing her son was a bit calmer like yours!

No, you have done a wonderful job. Before you judge yourself, phrase the same question as if you were your ex: Have I been a wonderful parent? I left three months before birth, I never changed a single nappy, gave a single feed, settled him to sleep, cuddled him, played with him, cared for him when sick, saw his first steps, heard his first words, came when he called, smiled at him in greeting, taught him his name and the names of things in the world around him. I have never spent a night with him. I did none of these. Am I a good parent?

You did ALL of these, day in, day out, alone and heartbroken. Massive kudos for acting 'as if' during that horrendous time when you failed to bond.

Your ex hasn't begun to step up and take proper responsibility for his child. You have done it all.

As to being strict - there is a difference between creatine a fair (to you both - you count too) and disciplined routine and the kind of strictness that doesn't allow proper emotional, physical and intellectual growth (eg. No toys in the house because they are untidy, don't cuddle mummy, you'll mess her hair and lipstick)

You sound like a lovely and loving mum and your ex sounds like a self-centred immature tool of a loser. Thank God for you. Suppose your poor son had ended up with two parents with such pathetic self-interested moral standards. he'd be in care.

I didn't have any of the adverse experiences you did , but my son was also a quiet and obedient child. When he started school, he used to walk alongside me and we would chat nicely. Once he started to invite friends home to tea, I was amazed that the other boys would be running far ahead, climbing on things, etc. I would say they were boisterous and my boy just wasn't. I didn't make him that way and it doesn't sound like you have done yours any harm at all.

Being strict around bedtimes and not running off are not going to mess your kid up. Kids do well with secure boundaries.
The other good thing is it's much easier to relax rules than make them tighter.
But equally - if you kid was meant to be a whirlwind he would be! Be grateful for your calm and compliant toddler. He sounds secure and confident.

I'm not sure which way I should be voting- YABU to worry or YANBU to be the sort of parent you are. But it sounds as if you are doing a great job in tricky circumstances. Having a timetable and being strict on behaviour are not things that harm children- there have always been a range of approaches (stricter/less strict) and that's fine. There isn't only one way to be a good mum. You also have to remember that your son is younger that his cousin, he was in a new place and he has his own personality- differences between the boys don;t mean that you are doing things wrong.

Of course, it’s impossible for anyone here to say whether you’re a good parent or not. We can’t possibly know. But with that caveat, could you give more details? When you say you are strict with your child, what do you mean by that? If he resists or ignores your instructions, how do you respond? And most importantly, do you feel deeply bonded to him now, despite how you felt during your pregnancy?

They say that the best way to bring up children is by being authoritative, but not authoritarian (or the other extreme: overly permissive). In general, I think that is the standard to aspire to.

You are berating yourself for things you should be really, really proud of. A strict bedtime obviously suits him down to the ground. I think most babies thrive on this. He sounds like a very contented boy. Never compare. Just look at what you have done. Be positive. The not running around manically is likely just luck. As much as we might try, this can't be parented out.

Oh OP xx we can't win as mothers, I feel the other way I've let DC have too much freedom and now they are insolent ! Even with all the will in the world I don't think you can control a child / change their temperament so it is more likely that you have a lovely mild mannered child who has always had clear boundaries which is no bad thing

FWIW my first DC was an angel until 5 when she went absolutely rouge and I did not recognise her behaviour at all - maybe this will happen for you at an age x