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Original poster

Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

353 replies

Uswr10 · 16/12/2024 15:18

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

OP posts:
mumda · 16/12/2024 16:53

Uswr10 · 16/12/2024 15:44

One of the things that happened on a walk recently was I shouted ‘jack’ (not real name) and he turned and looked worried and stopped in his tracks… my nephew was called at the same time and he carried on running off close to the road and laughing… it was hard to watch as I could see ds was immediately concerned but nephew was just confidently doing what he wanted. I know it’s good to have them under control near cars etc but it’s more the way they responded, nephew is such a free spirited boy

I think your child sound wonderful.

My son was very well behaved and the teachers absolutely loved him at school as he would do as he was told. It is not a bad thing.

MakeupTable · 16/12/2024 16:53

I think you are doing a fantastic job. I also think routines pay off. I’m a firm believer that if everyone gets their sleep the world is a happier place.

spiderlight · 16/12/2024 16:54

Children feel safe and secure when they have boundaries and routine. It's far better than chaos. Also, as others have said, personality and age play a huge role. My friends have two boys - same parenting style, same home life, same routines, but they are so different. The first was very much like yours when he was small - quiet, biddable, gentle, and almost angelic, and has grown up very academic, loving chess and books and playing instruments. The second came along a couple of years later and he could not be more different. He's been an utter wild child from the outset and far harder work (his mum once confided in me that if they'd had him first, he'd have stayed an only child). To meet them, you'd think they weren't even related. Never underestimate the impact of genetics! (Similarly - my DH and I are both very quiet, reserved and academic, and our DS is like a volcano!)

Honestly, don't stress yourself out - it sounds to me as if you're doing an amazing job and you have a lovely calm contented little boy. As long as you're being responsive to his needs and not obsessively rigid, he'll be absolutely fine.

OopsyDaisie · 16/12/2024 16:55

You sound like a wonderful mother.
My eldest was always very well behaved when little,similarly to what you described.
He is now 7 and runs havoc! Always playing football with soft toys in the living room and "trying" not to listen to a word I say!
If this makes you feel any better, that time will come, very likely, in a couple of years for you.

OopsyDaisie · 16/12/2024 16:56

spiderlight · 16/12/2024 16:54

Children feel safe and secure when they have boundaries and routine. It's far better than chaos. Also, as others have said, personality and age play a huge role. My friends have two boys - same parenting style, same home life, same routines, but they are so different. The first was very much like yours when he was small - quiet, biddable, gentle, and almost angelic, and has grown up very academic, loving chess and books and playing instruments. The second came along a couple of years later and he could not be more different. He's been an utter wild child from the outset and far harder work (his mum once confided in me that if they'd had him first, he'd have stayed an only child). To meet them, you'd think they weren't even related. Never underestimate the impact of genetics! (Similarly - my DH and I are both very quiet, reserved and academic, and our DS is like a volcano!)

Honestly, don't stress yourself out - it sounds to me as if you're doing an amazing job and you have a lovely calm contented little boy. As long as you're being responsive to his needs and not obsessively rigid, he'll be absolutely fine.

Are you my friend? You're describing my 2 boys!

Florencelatsy · 16/12/2024 16:58

I am a single parent and have been since my child was 5 months old. Like you, I found comfort in routines and schedules. I went back to full time work when they were 7 months old, and again like you needed my sleep!! People were always amazed when my child actively asked to go to bed 😂 My daughter is 9 now, and with age and confidence we are much more relaxed in our routines. I am lucky that if she has a late night she will sleep in, and knows when she is tired and just needs to rest. I found the routine kept us sane and was of great help. In hindsight I wouldn't of worried so much about naps/food times etc but adhering to the schedule helped keep me going. She is a sensitive soul and hates loud noises/arguments and finds it hard to listen to siblings/friends argue as she has none of that behaviour at home so I do worry how secondary school will be for her. But she is happy and content so thats all I can ask for!

romdowa · 16/12/2024 16:58

I'm strict enough with my ds , he has a set bedtime and I don't take any messing but he still runs round the house like a lunatic because that's who he is . Once he's safe then it's fine by me. Trust me if your son was that kind of child then he'd be running around mad. You just have a more chill child.

Becas4 · 16/12/2024 16:59

It sounds like you are doing a fine job. Kids need boundaries & routines & you are giving this to him. He sounds like he has a calm & easy going nature, I wouldn’t worry about comparing him to your nephew, all kids are different.

DGPP · 16/12/2024 17:01

Sorry but I’m going to go against the grain here. If you shouted your son’s name on a walk and he stopped and looked worried about what was going to come next, then that would bother me too. He’s a child. Boundaries are necessary but you can be too strict. They have their lifetimes to follow every rule in the book, I do think you have to let children have fun and be children too. I’ve always followed a bedtime but more loosely and my kids have slept in our beds overnight or when they need to. No big deal. They are teens and pre-teens now and delightful

sunnyday81 · 16/12/2024 17:02

A routine makes children feel secure. He sounds like a well behaved little boy - well done! As long as you build in some fun activities with him at home too which I’m sure you do do - then I would consider you winning at this parenting malarkey! I would take reassurance that nursery have no issues. Also people and children have different characters - some are naturally more extrovert and boundary pushing - it’s not better it’s just different. Remember also that comparison is the thief of joy!

Phoebefail · 16/12/2024 17:03

It seems to me that you have done a great job so far and so as not to confuse the little chap don't change the routine.
After he goes to school he will have things sorted in his own mind and will cope fine.

NewGreenDuck · 16/12/2024 17:03

All children are different. My two are like chalk and cheese. I'm nothing like my brother, thank goodness!
As long as he is happy and healthy, he's fine. And in 10 time you might not recognize him, his personality has changed so much.

Tiswa · 16/12/2024 17:04

I think what is worrying you is that is he scared of you and how you will react - is that right? And that you don’t have a bond or love that you want?

children are different my two are total chalk and cheese so the fact your son and your nephew are different isn’t a worry - his personality isn’t a concern either neither are having the routine or the expectations. And if it is this that then it is fine

maybe try and fit in some fun time with hom

ValentinesDayCryingInTheHotel · 16/12/2024 17:05

My daughter was exactly the same as your son at 2-4.

a few months before starting school and she sort of…. Changed. Nevermind terrible twos, we’ve had the fucking fours 😵‍💫😩🤪

(She’s still not that bad. But does push the boundaries a lot now.)

Gem359 · 16/12/2024 17:05

Between your child and your nephew I know which one I'd rather have!

Sounds like you've have a lovely little boy and have done a great job.

Elizo · 16/12/2024 17:08

Uswr10 · 16/12/2024 15:18

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

Wouldn’t it be much more concerning if you said my DS regularly stays up until midnight and is running riot! Nursery say he is a delight! If you want to to become more relaxed you can now, but he sounds secure and happy

Fireworkwatcher · 16/12/2024 17:08

Op I was highly organised like you because I had two close in age and it was the only way to cope and keep them both safe . They are now teens and definitely do not have trampled personalities - they are both very capable of sticking up for themselves and being typical teens . One is a mellow character and one really isn’t .

it is good that your child stopped near a road when you shouted his name . Worrying that your nephew didn’t

if you are strict but loving and spend time with him cuddling and reading and playing, drawing and cooking - I’m sure it is all fine . Remember too to tell him you love him. If you are worried that you haven’t done enough of the fun stuff it is never too late to start

Toddlerteaplease · 16/12/2024 17:09

You've done a great job. Although I don't think your ex is a good dad if he didn't see him for a year. That's a shit dad.

NeedABabelFish · 16/12/2024 17:09

I could've almost written this myself! Except my DP of two years (at the time) did a runner as soon I told him I was pregnant! I also had quite strict routines with my DD and was quite strict with discipline too, though she never went short of love and obviously we had fun too! She was a happy, contented child overall and it definitely benefitted her to have boundaries.

DD's dad eventually came round to the idea just before she was born and formed a fantastic relationship with her. He and I built bridges too though remained separated.

Fast forward and my DD is now 30 and very close to both me and her dad. I may be a bit biased but she's the loveliest young woman; she's sensible, kind and hard working. She knows her own mind and is confident.

@Uswr10 it sounds to me as though you're doing a great job and you should be really proud of that! It's not always easy being a single parent and you have to do what works for you and your child. It didn't do my DD any harm and it won't do your DS any harm either, in fact it'll stand him in good stead for the future. All kids are different with different personalities, your DS is just who he is 😊

CitizenZ · 16/12/2024 17:09

Sounds like perfect parenting to me.

1AngelicFruitCake · 16/12/2024 17:10

You sound lovely OP. I teach 3 and 4 year olds and the amount of parents who have zero expectations of their child is depressing. You are bringing him up to be responsible and independent. You sound like you've done a great job.

Don't forget as well that all children are different. My eldest sounds like you're DS at that age, my second not nearly as mature.

RafaistheKingofClay · 16/12/2024 17:11

It sounds like you’ve done the opposite of messing him up OP. And I’d bet any money that your SIL has exactly the same worries about her parenting when her child doesn’t stop when called or she can’t start a routine involving breakfast before playing. (This is just sensible by the way and I know lots of 2 parent families as well as single parent families who have similar routines in the morning).

NeedToChangeName · 16/12/2024 17:12

Children thrive on stability, routine and predictable boundaries. You're doing great

HappyPerson258 · 16/12/2024 17:12

Op, you sound like you’ve done an incredible job in really difficult circumstances. Just be kind to yourself.

CleftChin · 16/12/2024 17:15

OP - your child sounds absolutely fine!!

I've also been quite strict with bedtimes - sort of.. not the time exactly - if we were out, then I didn't worry, but around there being no fuss, no mucking about - and honestly, I thank my lucky stars that I did and that my kids were amenable to it, as I hear so many horror stories from my friends, but as a (now) single parent, I really don't need to be having extended bedtimes, so I'm grateful mine just go on time and sleep. They also do their homework, and if I use the mum 'STOP' voice (eg, in a carpark) then they stop.

Honestly, a combination of you clearly setting nice clear, firm boundaries, and a reasonable child is what you have here, you've not broken anything in him, I promise!